Whatever you did to betray your wife's trust, you'll even have to walk on eggs to get her back. In a couple relationship, trust is one of the basic components, indeed, it is precisely what makes you decide whether to stay with a person for the rest of your life. In order not to fail, it is necessary not to betray, not to create economic problems, not to have bad habits such as gambling, not to harm the other spouse, not to speak badly about them and so on. Trust breaks down when you no longer value the other person and let your selfishness get the better of them, hurting them. If this is the case for you and you have disappointed those around you, for whatever reason, the amount of work you will have to undertake to regain trust and trust is really great. Armed with a lot of courage, be aware of where you went wrong and start working hard to get the relationship back on track.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Coping with Lack of Trust
Step 1. Deal with the fact that you have lost the trust your wife (or partner) placed in you because of something you did (or failed to do)
Be aware that you have chosen to act (or not act) that way. Wanting to achieve something that you felt was important to yourself, led you to commit an impulsive action in an active or passive way, you failed to respect her and your relationship and you let this desire hurt her. Whether it is an extramarital affair, or financial damage to your savings, whether you have harmed her or tarnished her reputation in other ways, there is still one thing to say at the basis of these behaviors: you made a bad choice and you failed to respect your better half.
Step 2. Think carefully if you really want to regain lost trust
You must sincerely want to mend the rift that has been created in the relationship. If you feel compelled to do so, for reasons beyond your desires, (such as being pressured by family or social obligations), then you may not have learned your lesson and could easily fall back into the same mistake in the future.. You must, therefore, try to recover the relationship you had for reasons that arise from yourself.
Step 3. Prepare to accept your mistakes
You cannot regain lost trust if you try to shift part of the mistake or all of the responsibility for it onto the other person. Telling your wife that she was always "too busy / worried / bored / busy with other activities (like shopping) / etc" is just an excuse to justify "your" bad behavior. It is not a question of pointing out what she has failed you in; it was you who failed him, so you must concentrate on rebuilding the foundations of the relationship that have been damaged. Don't try to make her seem like the trigger, whatever it is. Otherwise he won't be able to see the efforts you are making to fully regain his trust.
Step 4. Face and repair your mistakes
End the extramarital relationship, work to pay back the economic damage created, ask an analyst for help for your violent behavior, and so on. Whatever it is, try to resolve the consequences that came with it. It is a clear positive sign of your willingness to want to recover and to really want to remedy the situation created.
End any intimate relationships with third parties, if this is the case. Even if you are one of those who try to flirt when interacting with people, try to minimize this attitude, at least until time has healed the wounds and you have regained his confidence
Step 5. Talk to your wife
Explain to her what you have done, that you take responsibility for your actions and explain to her what you intend to do to repair the damage done and to regain credibility. You will need courage and honesty, as well as willpower to hear what she too has to say. You can't erase her feelings, she has a right to feel them, so listen to her and learn.
Let her know every day that you have time to set aside to listen to her. Don't interrupt her or discuss what she will have to say; just listen
Method 2 of 2: regain your wife (or partner) trust
Step 1. Expect your wife to no longer be certain about you
When you break the trust a person has in you, it involves so many questions that question yourself as a person, who you are, what you are doing and what you want for your future, the people you hang out with, where have you been and if you really say the truth about where you go and what you do; these are doubts that will continue to buzz in her mind. Do everything you can to anticipate these kinds of questions, giving information without being asked; this may help you understand that you are telling the truth.
- If she has doubts about where you are going or with whom, ask her to come with you. Either ask her to call you or tell her that you will call her, perhaps with a video call or a video chat, in this way she will be sure of what you have told her.
- Offer to do something together that you particularly care about and denied yourself about in the past. It can be an activity in your free time, playing a sport, going to church, and so on.
- Try to be more transparent. Show her the people you are connected with on social networks on the internet; show her your friends list, etc. Show her your phone and the contacts you have saved. Try to answer his phone calls. Don't get begged or called multiple times for not answering.
- Make time your best friend. Do not arrive later than the given time and try not to have questionable excuses for any delays when you get home.
Step 2. Try to be considerate
Pay attention to how you show your attentions; Today's women love to receive bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates, jewels, etc., especially in situations of guilt and especially when such gestures are no longer part of the marital relationship. While it may be okay to buy her something nice as an initial excuse, don't think that's what solves everything at all; it is only a first step in a series of actions aimed at recalibrating attention to your wife and your relationship. In practice, it is important to be actively engaged with her by listening to her, explaining clearly and carefully what you are doing and what you are thinking, and apologizing if you have betrayed her trust again. Being considerate also means:
- Spend a lot more time together. Stay at home instead of going to the cafe, office, or playing sports on your own. Just to help her regain the trust she had in you, you need to be more attentive, letting her know that you are more willing to be with her and that you are actually interested in her company.
- Help around the house. This can be a great opportunity to reorganize who does what at home. For example, who plans expenses, who makes the shopping list, new rules to keep in order. Maybe you could think of a new home; moving can be a way to start over and, at times, can be the decisive turning point for starting up again.
- If you have children, clarify whether your role as a parent needs to be changed or improved. You may have neglected your children's education; if that's the case, start spending time with them. Or maybe, you may have spent too much time with them, neglecting your wife; even then, you could rebalance relationships.
- Eat lunch / dinner at the table, all together. Don't sit at the table (at home or out) with some electronic gadget in your hands; it is a system that interferes in the relationship.
Step 3. Try to be supportive of your wife's wishes
He may think that your behavior or your actions hinder his desires and what is important to him; help her make them happen or, in any case, don't try to be an obstacle. If she suddenly wants to go volunteering in a disaster area, she may need to take a break from you.
Step 4. Try to be honest
If you really want to regain his trust, you have to be credible. Actions speak more clearly than words, and she will be watching you closely, waiting for some mistake just because she doesn't feel confident and doesn't believe you are honest. It is a difficult transition, because it exposes you to judgment, but it is one of the things to consider in these situations - you are exposed on all fronts, however difficult and unpleasant it may be. You're the one who has to prove something, and she's simply figuring out whether you can still be credible as a husband.
Step 5. Don't give up
It takes time and an obvious manifestation of positive change to be able to heal the wounds. You can't think of doing it all in one night. You have to keep working on it. It could take days, weeks, months or even a year or even longer. You have to get it into your head that it is really worth it and that you will be persistent. Show your wife that you are working hard to have a great relationship again.
- Keep in mind that there will be times when you will wonder if you are having results. This is normal, even if it is difficult to resist. At these times, talk to someone about your feelings, such as a close friend, a therapist, or, if you think that's the case, a relative. You might also consider talking to your wife about how you feel; this state of suffering of yours could help her to understand that you are really putting all your energy into it and that it is crushing you. But don't use it as an excuse to pity her, because it won't help your relationship, so don't even try.
- Rely on your faith or a couple's help (if that's okay for her too). At least as far as you are concerned, you may think that prayer, meditation and spiritual reflection are paths to healing. Read the texts of your religious beliefs, the stories of forgiveness, read the testimonies of people who have had to mend the trust placed in them. You can share these moments with your wife and / or family.
Step 6. Respect the spaces and times your wife needs to heal the wounds
He will be experiencing a whole host of different emotions, just like you. Some days will be easier for her, others more difficult. In some moments he may talk to you more easily, in others he may not. It's all part of the rebuilding process. It is important not to rush things and not to try to pressure her feelings or future decisions; if she feels stuck, she may want to stop everything for fear of being controlled or manipulated. Spaces, time and love are the ingredients that will help her forgive you and start over.
Advice
- Try to be open minded and honest about your feelings.
- It is important that your wife does not see you as a thorn in her side constantly. Give her the space and time she needs.
- Make decisions that show you respect yourself. If she sees that you have begun to have respect for yourself and that you are not relying on others to get through this period, she will see your repentance more clearly and that you want this change.
- Don't be ambiguous, or he won't believe you. Don't go where you shouldn't. Do not browse the internet on sites that suggest you are doing something shady (no pornography, no gambling, no compulsive shopping, etc). Also try not to change the internet page quickly or stealthily, do not delete the history or cookies, do not hide the mobile phone, do not do anything that could lead her to think "what are you up to?".
- Give her some surprises, small but planned. Think about when you were dating and try to recreate one of those dates, to show her that you remember and still care. Dust off the little gestures you did then, and bring them into your present.
- Hide a few notes of positivity and admiration around the house. Give her some reason to smile when she finds them and reads your supportive thoughts. It is a sign of attention and care and makes her understand that she is a person who really matters in your life.
- Stay on the right tracks.
- Do your part in the housework. Being a responsible person is one of the starting points for becoming credible; you are no longer a child, so don't expect a babysitter to tell you what to do.
- Be considerate of things that are of interest to him, even when it comes to activities you don't like. He certainly doesn't expect you to start sewing a coat for the cat, but he does expect you to respect his desire to make one. As far as you are concerned, the more interest you show, the easier it is for you to find a way to please yourself that activity; in the example cited, you might even find an association that needs those coats! There is always a different perspective that can help.
Warnings
- Never be snooty. Laughing at her instead of "with" her is the fastest way to destroy what little is left.
- Never belittle what happened. You can't laugh at it, no matter how nervous, frightened, or cowardly it makes you feel. You have to find the strength to face what has happened and be ready to make amends. You have to be sincere, honest and trustworthy.
- It's easy to want to fight when things are still fresh, and there is still frustration and hardship to overcome. But arguing does not help in anything, leaving problems unsolved and still alive. Take a step back. You can express your doubts in calmer moments later.
- Anger is a clear symptom that something you really care about isn't getting the right attention; but being altered is a sign that you have lost control. Use this emotion as a motivation to find out what is making you so uncomfortable. Then take a step back, think about it, and calmly find the right words to convey the real motivations and feelings that were hidden by anger.
- If your wife doesn't want you to touch her, don't. She may feel exposed and vulnerable, and intimacy is the last thing she wants to deal with in such a sensitive time. Don't try to control it; she will tell you when and if she still wants to have that kind of contact with you. Don't put pressure on her because it will have an unwanted effect and may only make things worse.
- Do not overwhelm it with what you want and with the times you want. She would feel suffocated and manipulated. Time and space are the essential ingredients to start over.
- Don't start screaming. The shouting is just a manifestation of the fact that you want things to be done the way you want. They are not a sign of listening and of the desire to reach compromises.
- Try not to be on her if you are panicking. It could be seen as an attempt to take pity on her. It is an action that will weaken your position in the long term, so avoid this type of approach.
