Conflicts are inevitable from time to time, for example with your boss, friends, colleagues or your partner. If you don't deal with them right, they can end relationships, personal and work. Consequently, knowing how to resolve conflicts peacefully is a fundamental skill in life that can make you and the people around you happy.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Keep Calm
Step 1. Consider your feelings
Pay attention to your emotions and notice if you start to feel angry, sad or frustrated. By recognizing these feelings, you will be able to avoid being dominated by them and you will be able to better resolve conflicts.
Step 2. Control the anger
Conflicts often cause frustration, so it's important to manage anger if you want to solve the problem. Emotional reactions accompanied by screaming and shouting do not help; they only serve to provoke the other person and cloud your ability to think critically.
Step 3. Think before you speak
Insults and nastiness do not help resolve the matter and you will often regret expressing yourself that way. Here are some questions you should ask yourself before opening your mouth:
- What is my intention? Is mine a constructive statement or am I just trying to hurt the other person?
- Does my statement help solve the problem?
- Can the other person interpret my statement as an attack?
- Would I be angry if someone talked to me like this?
Step 4. Take a break
If you feel frustration or anger build up and are afraid you won't be able to control yourself, walk away for a few minutes. Close your eyes, breathe and find serenity. When you feel better, go back to tackling the problem with clearer ideas.
Step 5. Pay attention to non-verbal communication
You may not be aware of this, which can make a difference in conflict resolution. Attitudes like rolling your eyes, sighing, or annoying expressions can easily make others angry, even if you don't say anything offensive. Avoid them at all costs.
Step 6. Stay calm even if the other person is upset
Not everyone follows the advice in this article. It is important not to lose control even if your interlocutor yells, insults you or gets angry.
If the situation becomes threatening in any way, physical or violent, walk away immediately. In this case you no longer have the possibility to resolve the conflict constructively and your safety becomes the priority
Part 2 of 4: Understanding the Conflict
Step 1. Define the problem from your point of view
To resolve a conflict, you need to understand what it is. This may sound like a trivial piece of advice, but in some cases people fight without even really knowing what the problem is. Think for a moment and think about what is bothering you.
Step 2. Specify what the problem is in your opinion
Use clear, precise, and non-threatening language. Make sure you don't attack the other person. Even if the situation was caused by someone else, do not use expressions of frustration or accusation. This can make the other person angry and complicate the resolution of the conflict.
Step 3. Ask the other person what the problem is from their point of view
Once it is clear why you are angry, you need to understand the other party's perspective as well.
- Encourage the other person to be open and honest with you. Let him know you want to fix the problem and he should have no problem letting you know exactly what is bothering her.
- When you ask the other person to explain their point of view, don't do it angrily or defiantly. Make sure everyone feels comfortable expressing their opinions.
Step 4. Listen carefully
You may find that the other person interprets the problem very differently from you. Don't interrupt him and don't put words in his mouth. Let him speak on his own before answering.
While defining the problem, the other person may be talking about problems or mistakes associated with you. Don't be offended or take a defensive attitude; remember, the only way to solve the situation effectively is to reveal all the cards
Step 5. Repeat what was said before answering
Again this may seem obvious to you, but many people interpret other people's responses differently than the original meaning. Make sure there are no misunderstandings. Start by saying "So you mean…". In this way you are sure that you have understood the problem and make it clear to your interlocutor that you have listened carefully.
Step 6. Answer all questions openly and honestly
The other person may also have questions for you. Respect her, because she is trying to find a solution like you. Do not get frustrated, but rather respond as you would like your interlocutor to do.
Part 3 of 4: Resolve the Conflict
Step 1. Set a goal
When everyone involved has agreed on what the problem is, you can start looking for a solution. The steps to follow are similar to those to define the conflict:
- State clearly what you consider the ideal solution to the problem.
- Ask the other person to do the same. Again, listen carefully and don't assume anything.
- The other person may not know how to resolve the situation. Ask her questions similar to the ones you asked yourself before resolving the conflict, so that she forms an opinion. Encourage her to be as specific as possible.
Step 2. Find things in common
When everyone has expressed the solution they hope to achieve, find the compatibilities between the answers. This makes it easier to arrive at a resolution.
- Disagreements have a tendency to exaggerate differences and hide commonalities. Don't fall into this trap by looking for similarities, however small. Any shared element is a good place to start.
- Use phrases like "Ok, I think we agree on …" to make it clear that there are some commonalities between your views. From this starting point it is easier to cooperate and reach a compromise.
- For example, imagine you had a fight at work. You both have determined that you don't like working closely together, because it's a distraction. A possible solution could be a change of office or desk.
Step 3. Make compromises
It is very likely that you will not find a total agreement with the other person. Starting from the commonality you have established, find a solution that is acceptable to both of you.
- Discuss each other's ideas in search of the ideal solution. Find out what is most important to the other person and clearly express what matters most to you. This way you will know which elements to make concessions on.
- Remember that in a compromise, neither party is completely satisfied. You need to be flexible and work together with the other person to come up with a solution that is acceptable to both of you.
- Return to the previous example of disagreement at work. Both parties do not want to work in the same area, but there are no offices available for a relocation. A possible solution for the two colleagues is not to interact with each other until the time of the breaks. Nobody got exactly what they wanted, but the solution is acceptable, as it allows both of them to get their jobs done efficiently.
Step 4. Consider all the problems of the solution
Leaving issues unresolved, the solution would only be temporary and the same situation would recur in the future. Make sure your proposal is as complete as possible.
Step 5. Verify the goodness of the solution
After a couple of weeks, reconsider the problem and see if things are better. If the problem still exists, analyze the situation and try to formulate a better solution.
Part 4 of 4: Avoiding Conflict
Step 1. Solve the problem and don't try to be right
Arguments and disagreements last a lot shorter if you stop focusing on who is right. The goal is not to "win", but to resolve the conflict.
Step 2. Choose your battles
While there are some things in life that are worth fighting for, there are many other things you don't want to blame. Before taking a path, analyze the situation and try to understand if it really is something important. This way, you will avoid unnecessary stress.
Step 3. Admit your mistakes
It is possible that you are responsible for a particular problem. If this is the case, admit it and take responsibility so you can avoid unnecessary fights. This is not a sign of weakness, but of maturity.
Step 4. Focus on the present
Do not consider the past in the present problem and do not hold a grudge. This would only serve to prolong the quarrels and to stave off a possible solution.
Step 5. Find out if you need help
If you find yourself arguing and often finding yourself disagreeing with others, you may have a problem with anger or stress. In this case, you should consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
Advice
- You can temper the situation by agreeing with the other person, giving value to what they are saying or not imitating their incorrect attitudes.
- When you come up with a solution, do what you can to cooperate. Compromises are often not fully satisfying solutions.
- Read books like John Gottman's Why Marriages Succeed or Fail to learn about your personal conflict management style and how to improve.
