If you've cheated on your partner, you probably feel a lot of guilt. It's not a good feeling, but it's completely normal. You have betrayed the other person's trust and this leads you to break down. Guilt is a strong emotion that can trigger hasty behavior, so don't do anything for now. Talk to someone you trust and get the support you need before deciding what to do. At that point, find a way to forgive yourself for what happened and, if possible, try to make up for it.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Seeking Support
Step 1. Get advice from someone you trust
Ask an unfamiliar person how you should behave from now on. Explain exactly what happened and ask her for her opinion.
- Choose someone who will keep the secret. Usually, those who are older and wiser than us are the best counselors. For example, if you have a co-worker or friend who has rebuilt their relationship after a cheating, ask them. Don't confide in someone who will make you feel guilty for making them keep a secret or who will judge you too harshly for hurting your partner.
- Approach the person and say, "I made a very serious mistake and cheated on my partner. I know I was wrong, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with her." At that point, explain the events that led to the cheating and ask for specific advice, such as whether to confess the news to your partner and how to do it.
Step 2. Join an online or local support group
Look for groups dedicated to people who have cheated. Here, you will be able to talk to others who have dealt with guilt and find out how they have overcome it.
Guilt often builds if you isolate yourself. By communicating your feelings to people who understand what you are going through, you will be able to get through this bad time
Step 3. Consult a psychologist if you are a serial traitor
If you've cheated on your partner many times, you may need professional help to resolve the underlying causes of your behavior. Find a local therapist who specializes in relationship problems.
- With therapy, you can identify the basic need that is not being met, so that you no longer feel the need to cheat.
- When you stop cheating on your mates in a serial way, you will feel less guilt.
Step 4. Seek spiritual counsel
If you are a believer, try to consult a priest you respect. A spiritual leader will listen to you without judging you and offer you practical solutions to overcome the guilt you feel.
- Ask your spiritual counselor for a private meeting where you can get suggestions and support regarding your problem.
- If necessary, a priest can help you and your partner.
Part 2 of 3: Forgive yourself
Step 1. Accept that you are human
Transform guilt into positive energy by showing compassion towards yourself. You are not the first to betray; many other people before you have done it. Recognize this common human flaw and you won't feel so guilty for making a mistake.
- You could gently stroke your shoulders and back by repeating "I'm just a man. I'm not perfect. I'll always make mistakes."
- This statement does not justify your mistakes, it just has to help you alleviate the suffering. You can add "I was wrong, but I can try to fix it and do better in the future".
Step 2. Write about the situation
Release the pain you feel in a journal. This can help you relieve guilt and look at the situation more objectively. You may even come up with a solution.
- Write down what happened. Express your thoughts and feelings about the situation. You can say, "I slept with my ex. I regret it, but I feel so guilty. I don't want my partner to find out, but I don't know how to go on."
- If you are worried that someone will read what you wrote, put the paper in a shredder or throw it in the fireplace. The act of destruction symbolizes that betrayal (and guilt) must not continue to have a negative effect on you.
Step 3. If you are a believer, perform a ritual
Lean on your belief in a higher entity to overcome guilt. You can do this by reading scriptures, praying, meditating, fasting, or talking to a spiritual counselor.
Your faith can help you move on after a betrayal. Spiritual practices can give you peace and acceptance, thus minimizing the sense of guilt
Step 4. Focus on the future and not the past
It's easy to break down after a betrayal, but digging up the past makes you hostage to your mistakes. Learn to stop guilt when it comes. Instead of dwelling on such thoughts, ask yourself "What now?", Then try to continually take positive actions that keep you going.
For example, if negative thoughts about what you have done in the past come to mind, you may ask yourself "What now?" and find a small positive gesture you can do. You can plan a romantic evening for your partner or commit to spending more quality time with her
Step 5. Wait
Guilt, like all emotions, changes shape over time. Instead of thinking you have to do something to get rid of it, be patient and in time it will go away.
Watch out for negative attitudes that can lead to depression, addictions, and other emotional problems. Don't get through this difficult time by isolating yourself from others, thinking only about work, or using drugs and alcohol
Part 3 of 3: Fix it
Step 1. End the love triangle to overcome the guilt
The only way to move forward without feeling guilty is to stop cheating on your partner. Carrying on two romantic relationships isn't fair to everyone involved. Decide who you want to be with and end the other relationship.
For example, if you fell in love with another woman and no longer have feelings for your girlfriend, end your relationship and commit to your new partner. If you regret cheating on your wife and want to reinvigorate your marriage, stop seeing other people altogether
Step 2. Decide whether to confess
If your partner doesn't know you've cheated on her, don't assume that telling her will make (or make) you feel better. Admissions of infidelity bring immense pain, lack of trust, and insecurity to a couple. Consider the pros and cons of telling your partner the truth before confessing.
- You absolutely must confess if you have had unprotected sex and you can put your partner's health at risk. You should do this even if there is a risk that your partner will learn the facts from other sources.
- Ultimately, telling the truth is your best bet if you want to save a relationship. Remember that not confessing limits your partner's ability to trust you.
Step 3. From today, make a commitment to be faithful and honest
Regardless of who you decide to be with, make a commitment to be faithful and direct with them in the future. If you'd rather not be in a monogamous relationship, everyone involved should think like you do.
- If your partner knows about the betrayal and decides to give you a second chance, you can organize a "vow renewal" ritual where you show her that you intend to be faithful from today.
- Don't expect to receive forgiveness; go to great lengths to make your partner understand that they can trust you. Tell her all your travels when you're not together, or even allow her to read your phone or e-mail messages.
- Even if you have cheated on your partner, you shouldn't accept abuse or mistreatment just to earn her forgiveness.
Step 4. Learn from what happened
How to transform this experience into an opportunity for growth? Reflect on how the betrayal happened and try to learn from the mistake. This can help you avoid repeating behaviors and ways of thinking that led you to cheat.
- For example, you may not have specifically told your partner what you want in the bedroom. You have simply decided to find what you are looking for from another person. In the future, it will be helpful for you to express your sexual needs more directly.
- You may have discussed your relationship problems with a colleague instead of with your wife. In the future, only talk about those problems with those who won't use your vulnerability to push you into cheating, like your wife.
Step 5. Go to a psychologist together
If you are hoping to recover your relationship with your partner, couples therapy can help you identify problems and resolve them. The psychologist can help you rebuild the relationship by facilitating communication, suggesting ways to lead your lives more spontaneously and even improving sexual intimacy.
