It is normal to feel insecure after a betrayal. If your partner has had an affair, you may be wondering why he is not enough and if he will be unfaithful again. What you feel is completely natural, but in the long run, insecurity risks jeopardizing your happiness and further damaging the relationship. Whether you want to leave it or not, you need to learn how to manage your insecurity. The first step is to improve emotional self-reliance. Once you have gained more confidence, you can commit to making your relationship work and try to rebuild mutual trust.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Getting More Confident
Step 1. Work on your self-esteem
Realize that your partner's infidelity does not mean that you deserve to be betrayed or disrespected. You have every right to expect dignity and fairness in relationships and you must not blame yourself if the person you love has decided to betray you.
Try to get yourself back on track by thinking about your successes and the finest qualities you possess. Compile a list of all your strengths. For example, you can write that you are loyal in friendship, can play the guitar, or have a degree. Write down all your skills and reread this list often. If you have a hard time thinking about your best sides, ask a friend or family member to help you
Step 2. Deal with the most disturbing thoughts
Sometimes, the fear that your partner will cheat on you again can be so strong that it destabilizes you. In these cases, it is important to learn to recognize the most obsessive worries and direct your attention elsewhere when they take over.
Try replacing the more nagging doubts about the other person's infidelity with more positive thoughts. For example, if you repeat to yourself: "I know he will betray me again and there is nothing I can do to stop him!", You could replace this thought with, "I am doing everything possible to recover from his betrayal and I am proud of the my commitment and all my progress"
Step 3. Take care of your health
Don't hesitate to follow proper nutrition, sleep and exercise. It is easier to manage a difficult problem such as partner infidelity when you do not neglect your physical needs.
- Self-care activities, such as meditation and the habit of journaling, are good for emotional health.
- Avoid taking comfort in alcohol, drugs, or other unhealthy pain management mechanisms. They may make you feel better momentarily, but in the long run they make the problems worse.
Step 4. Cultivate passions that have nothing to do with your relationship
Set aside a few hours a week for an interesting activity or try your hand at a hobby you've always wanted to try. By spending your time developing a skill or giving vent to your creativity, you can feel more emotionally self-reliant.
Get into the habit of reading, learn a manual activity, like knitting, or take a class that piques your interest
Step 5. Don't let your happiness depend entirely on others
It can happen that a person conditions your mood when you spend your life with them. Don't lose sight of your subjectivity and remember that you are able to be happy outside of romantic relationships.
Try to use your imagination to frame the situation from the right perspective. For example, if your partner is depressed or nervous, picture him on a roller coaster as you stand and watch him from the ground. The roller coaster represents the emotions he is feeling, but don't feel pressured to take this ride with him
Step 6. Go to therapy
When you learn that your partner has cheated on you, you may have problems with self-esteem and trust. In these cases, an individual psychotherapy course is as useful and healthy as couples therapy.
- You can make this decision if you don't intend to save your marriage, but want to regain your confidence and recover from a betrayal. Your therapist can provide you with the support you need and guide you as you think about filing for a divorce.
- Also consider joining a support group for couples who have been through the same situation. You may recover by sharing your experience and listening to that of others.
Step 7. Turn the page if you wish
It is entirely up to you to choose how to proceed after you have suffered from your partner's infidelity. If he's a serial cheater or you can't give him credit again, you may decide to get a divorce. Divorce is never an easy choice. However, you should only do it after talking about the whole affair with the other party and the people who love you.
- The therapist can help you decide what is best for your future (and your children, if you have any), but also allow you to have a fruitful discussion with your partner, children, and other family members.
- Calmly evaluate the various solutions and then make your decision. While others will advise you to act quickly, don't rush.
Part 2 of 3: Save the Report
Step 1. Try to forgive your partner
If you don't want to leave him, you have to grant him your forgiveness. Resentment and bitterness will only poison the relationship in the future. So, decide to forgive him and move on.
- You probably won't be able to forgive him right away, especially if his betrayal happened recently. So, try to do this as you rebuild your relationship.
- Try saying to yourself, your partner, and other people, "I forgive you" or "I'm trying to forgive you." Even if you don't feel ready yet, by expressing your intentions aloud, you can set out along this path.
Step 2. Rely on couples therapy
It can be a great tool to rebuild the relationship with the person you love. The therapist will help you understand why the betrayal occurred, but will also allow you to find a way to process your emotions and communicate better.
It will also help you understand if continuing the relationship is the right choice for both of you
Step 3. Take responsibility for relationship issues
Many people have extramarital affairs because they feel that their married life is not very fulfilling. If this is the scenario in which the betrayal arose, it is important to resolve the problem and take the necessary steps to resolve it, if possible.
- Lack of emotional intimacy and sexual fulfillment are among the most common reasons two people drift apart.
- Taking responsibility when relationship problems arise does not mean justifying your partner's infidelity.
Step 4. Establish open and regular communication
Determine how often you need to confront each other. Don't just talk about her escapades, but also consider what you are feeling right now, mutual needs and expectations within your relationship as it progresses. Also, bring up topics that have nothing to do with your relationship, such as your passions, your goals, and your dreams. In this way, you could rekindle the excitement in the life of a couple.
- After so many secrets and deceptions, you can recover your relationship by communicating openly with the other person.
- If you feel that you are spending too much time discussing his betrayal, just talk about it for 15 minutes a day, and the rest of the time orient the dialogue on other topics.
Step 5. Restore physical intimacy
When there is a lack of trust due to an affair, it is difficult to have an understanding with a spouse on the physical plane. However, if you choose to save your marriage, you need to recover it so that you can fully recover and move on.
- You can rebuild the intimacy of a couple by making an effort to communicate your deepest desires, thoughts and feelings unacknowledged to the other person. Plus, you might even plan something romantic. Take a trip together. Go back to the first times when you exchanged affectionate massages, cuddled on the sofa most evenings and discussed your days at dinner instead of eating in silence.
- Couples therapy can also help you regain sexual intimacy. It will probably take some time because after an infidelity walls inevitably rise and maybe that's the last thing you will work on. Try to focus on rebuilding your relationship and the rest will come in time. To rekindle the spark of passion, you must be honest with each other and completely overcome the pain caused by betrayal.
- You can also try to exchange expressions of affection until you are ready to have more intimate relationships again. For example, by holding hands, kissing and hugging each other, you will be able to improve the intimacy of the couple both physically and emotionally.
Step 6. Avoid being sticky
Do not continually call your partner to find out where he is and do not expect him to spend all his free time in your company. Even if it's an understandable reaction, it could generate a choking feeling in him and further damage your relationship.
After a betrayal, it is reasonable to ask the spouse to account for what he does. Just be careful not to cross the line that fuels jealousy or the need for control so you don't compromise the relationship
Step 7. Try something exciting
By doing new things, you will be able to overcome this difficult period together. Share experiences that allow you to connect and bond through new memories.
Consider spending a weekend together, pursuing a pastime as a couple, or trying to see each other more often while shopping or doing housework together
Part 3 of 3: Rebuilding Trust
Step 1. Accept that you cannot control the other person
Whether he will be faithful in the future is entirely up to her. Regardless of how much you control her, if she wants to cheat on you again, she'll find a way. Equally, you won't have to give in to the need to control her if she's committed to making up for her mistakes.
Remember that through this experience you have shown that you know how to take care of yourself and survive whatever happens
Step 2. Set goals for your relationship
Sit down and think about how to carry on with your relationship. Come up with a plan that will allow you to make your goals a reality. Find ways to work as a team and rebuild solidarity and mutual trust.
Step 3. Discuss your privacy
While it's understandable after a betrayal to ask your partner to log into his phone and learn about his online activities, remember that he still has a right to his privacy. So, try to understand how to maintain a balance between personal privacy and mutual fairness.
If he is too secretive about his online activities or phone calls, ask yourself if he really wants to regain your trust
Step 4. Don't assume you know what he thinks
Since no one can read other people's minds, it's easy to imagine problems that don't exist. Focus on the facts. Don't be carried away by the fear that it may betray you again, unless there is a concrete reason.
- See how things actually are when your imagination begins to gallop. Stop and ask yourself, "Why am I thinking this? Is there a more plausible explanation?"
- Also, be aware that if he cheats on you again, he'll likely make another mess and you'll find out again. You don't have to be on your guard all the time, but give yourself a chance to get rid of this burden.
