Accepting your sexual identity can be difficult, but it is even more difficult when you know your parents will react badly. If your parents have shown homophobic attitudes in the past, you may want to hide and not share this aspect of your life with them - and some people do indeed choose to. But if that's not your case and you want to come out in the open, here are some tips for dealing with your homophobic parents.
Steps
Step 1. Be aware of the consequences of your honesty
If you are a minor and live under the same roof with homophobic parents, it can become much more difficult than you imagine. Homophobic parents tend to react quite dramatically to the news that their child is gay, so be prepared for one or all of these reactions:
- They can restrict your activities so that you are not swayed by "bad company" (ie your friends who are tolerant and accepting).
- They can enroll you against your will in "educational programs" or religious organizations that claim to be able to change sexual orientation. Any or all of these things can happen. The important thing is that you are aware of this, and consider whether to wait to inform them until you get close to the age at which you are able to leave their home.
- Even if you are not a minor, your honest revelation may mean that you will be able to see them cry, because they will be angry and may say cruel things to you, such as, "you are not my child", or "we disown you", or "we don't want to. that you go to hell ". And this can be nerve-wracking and very painful for you.
Step 2. Realize that your life is yours alone
It is your responsibility to raise your head and experience it your way, and no one else's. If you choose to share the news of your sexual orientation with your parents, their reactions, no matter how dramatic or intense they are, shouldn't be suggestive or lead you to act in the same dramatic and exaggerated way. Quietly remember, in the face of all the upheaval that could result, that you are the one who has to live this life, and even if your parents are unhappy or even angry, it is your life that you are living, and they certainly cannot stop you., unless you allow it. However, as long as you live under their roof, they have a say in your activities, so be prepared for this; in any case it might be time for you to leave the house. If you are not ready to live alone, perhaps you are not ready for this revelation.
Step 3. Be kind and compassionate
Your parents may react badly, painfully or feel confused. They may decide to deny the reality. Whatever they do, remember that they love you and want the best for you. For them, your news can be devastating, as they face a future where they are unable to plan your wedding or imagine grandchildren on your own. They may have a very difficult time imagining a future where these things are possible - but they have to deal with them. Try to console them and help them realize that things look much brighter on both fronts, and gay couples can get married and have children in many countries nowadays.
Step 4. Respect their religious views
If their disappointment or pain is due to religious reasons, understand that you cannot convince them or get their approval. They believe they are acting in your best interest by taking a stand against your "lifestyle". You won't be able to change their views, and attacking their faith won't help you. They can challenge your faith.
Step 5. Don't expect to get their approval, but make it clear that you don't ask for their permission
They may ask what you regard as "approval" from them, and upon your response they will surely realize that it is something they will never be able to give you. Sometimes, it can be helpful to say, "Unless you specifically tell me you approve, I'll always think you don't." Still, your parents may try to ban you from being gay. Don't fight or argue with them, it won't work. Instead, say things like, "I'm not asking your permission here. I'm not expecting your approval. I just hope you can accept and be tolerant." Remember, though, that if you still depend on them, they have a say in how much they support you. You may not need their permission, but they can withdraw their support.
Step 6. Accept that they have their reactions and responses
Respectfully listen to how they react to the news that you are homosexual. Respond with care and compassion, but firmly - don't show yourself uncertain or wavering. It's okay to cry, but you have to stay steadfast. If you look faltering, you might give them hope that you can "change". Various studies have shown that homosexual behavior can be reduced, but homosexuality cannot really be changed or eliminated. Giving them false hope would be cruel and would make their acceptance process a much longer path. If you are determined now, they will know what to expect in the future; if they expect you to be gay without a doubt, acceptance will come very soon.
Step 7. Know when you have said enough
When you told them how much you had to say, and let them express their opinion too, you did what you had to do for that day. Leave them alone to argue with each other, and trust that eventually you will have a good relationship with each other again. The important thing is that you have been honest.
Step 8. Realize that it may take some time
Sometimes, it just takes a little while for people to adjust to a new reality. Don't expect things to be perfect the next time you see them - they may feel uncomfortable or tense for some time. If the atmosphere is very tense when you see them in person, try to give them some space by just calling them, or sending them an e-mail. Try not to talk about this topic every time you communicate with them, in an effort to gain their acceptance. Instead, be willing to allow them to talk about this and that with you, to talk about harmless things like the weather forecast, or what Aunt Teresa is doing these days. This gives your parents hope that they can have a simple chat with you, and that things can get back to normal again. That doesn't mean you can ignore or allow them to pretend. It just means you're willing to give them a break while they adjust.
Step 9. Be prepared for the worst
If they really put their foot down and give you an ultimatum ("If you're going to stay gay, we can't deal with you anymore"), you need to be aware of what your answer may be. If you intend to pretend, or to close yourself off with them, it may be the way to get along from now on. If you are going to make them believe you can change, be prepared to plan new avenues to explore your true nature. If, on the other hand, you simply want to stay consistent with your plan to live an authentic life, it may be necessary to say goodbye to your parents, at least for the moment. If that's the case, feel free to keep sending them tickets, emails, and even call them to say how much you love them. They are free to discard your messages before they even read them or hang up the phone. They can try to find other family members who join their cause.
Step 10. Don't give up on them
If you love them and want them to stay in your life, you have to let them make whatever decisions they want. If you keep trying to reach them, chances are they will eventually respond. Just don't give up on seeking or hoping.
