Having racist parents can be painful. As is often the case, your parents may not see themselves as such and may be taking a defensive attitude when you use this term. They may also have a cultural background from past times, where certain stereotypes were the norm and were even considered positive. For example, your parents may find it acceptable to say things like, "Asians are really smart!" You need to learn how to effectively express what you think about their racism and why it annoys you.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Expressing Your Discomfort
Step 1. Refer to the context of a specific behavior
When it comes to a thorny subject, people tend to feel attacked when it comes to things from the past. If your parents make statements that are racist or insensitive, let them know as soon as possible. It's best to deal with these things as they happen, but that's not always possible. If you are in company, for example, it could be more difficult. If you just can't address the issue right away, bring it up later in the day, or the next day.
- Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions. If they say or do something racist in your presence, try to address the issue immediately. Ask them to clarify what they mean. Focus on words and behavior in a specific context rather than their character as a whole. Never make it personal. Saying, "You are racist" can only lead them to take a defensive and resentful attitude. Instead, try saying something like, "This statement reveals a lot of preconceptions," or, "Saying something like this puts all people of the same color in one cauldron." You may have to face resistance from them, but if you want your parents to open up to change, you need to push them and take the opportunity as it comes.
- Let's say your parents make racist claims to a friend of yours. Begin by saying, "Can we please resume some of this conversation while we're all at the table?" Use a diplomatic and polite tone as you report what has been said to minimize the chances of them becoming defensive. For example, you could say, "I know you were in good faith when you said that all Asians are intelligent, but the fact that you considered Kyoko in relation to her skin color rather than her individual characteristics hurt her."
- At this point, listen to your parents' point of view. They are most likely not aware that their remarks are offensive, or perhaps they simply know very little about other cultures. This is your chance to educate them and to understand their cultural background.
- You can suggest that they express any discomfort they feel about being with people from different cultures. Encourage them to ask questions rather than affirmations. For example, they might ask, "Does your family follow traditions belonging to your culture? What are the traditions you follow?"
Step 2. Refer to specific behaviors
When you talk to someone about their racism, it's best if you focus on specific behaviors. Even if you are tempted to criticize them for their character, remember that people tend to be more receptive when you refer to their language and their concrete actions, without demolishing their entire way of being.
- Remember the difference between a conversation that focuses on "What you did" and one that focuses on "What you are". In a conversation focused on "What you did," you bring up specific words and actions and explain why you think they are unacceptable. Conversation focused on "What you are" instead questions their whole way of being and draws conclusions based on their behavior. Even if you sincerely think these conclusions are correct, this type of approach does not solve the problem. Your parents will be angry that you question their character, instead of focusing on concrete episodes.
- Remember: just calling your parents a racist will only give them the opportunity to end the discussion easily. They can sidetrack the argument by simply stating that you don't know the deeper aspects of their character. Even if you are on the side of reason, if you want to effectively deal with their racism you need to stay in the present moment and focus on specific actions that just happened.
Step 3. Prepare to be defensive
Even if we talk about specific behaviors and focus on actions rather than character, in general people live badly in these kinds of conversations. There is a tendency to personalize accusations of racism aimed at one's actions or expressions.
- If your parents immediately get defensive when you hear the word "racist", you can go into the discussion without using this label. Focus on the specific behavior and why it seemed offensive to you, dispensing with the word "racist" to avoid being withdrawn from them.
- Don't let them mislead the conversation. Even if you manage to frame the problem correctly, you risk hearing the answer: "I'm not a racist." In this case, respond by drawing attention to the effect that their certain statement has had on their interlocutor, or the effect it might have on another person. You might say something like this: "Your words made her feel like you're not referring to her for what she is, but a stereotype."
- There is no easy way to talk about racism. Remember that a defensive attitude is inevitable. Approach the situation with this awareness, so as not to be surprised when you are faced with an attitude of resistance.
Step 4. Speak in first person
When dealing with thorny topics, it can be helpful to speak in the first person. These are contexts that emphasize the emotional reaction to a given situation. If you speak in the first person, you do not give the impression that you are making an objective judgment. Even if you are on the side of reason, making judgments will be of little use to you.
- Instead of expressing your opinions as if they were made, emphasize how you feel. Your parents will find it harder to demolish your instances if you refer to your personal worldview.
- Your sentences should begin like this: "In my view…". Don't say things like, "You make me feel …", or "This thing makes me feel …": it would sound like an accusation against them for causing you discomfort. It is best to avoid making them feel guilty, because as a result they will feel judged and are even less willing to change their minds. Instead of saying, "I felt uncomfortable with how you treated my friend at lunch," it is better to say, "The verbal exchange that took place between you and my friend at lunch makes me uncomfortable. I think you have deeply hurt her parents. feelings and it upset me."
- Your parents may be more receptive to such an approach. Even if they can't fully grasp the racism that lurks in their own behavior, they may at least be willing to change out of affection for you. It will be a start, but it is already something when it comes to racism! If they ask you what they can do differently, say, "Please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore."
Step 5. Lead by example
Often the best way to deal with racist parents is to set a good example for them. When you talk about different cultures and people belonging to other races, do it with great fairness. Rather than words, try to demonstrate with practice to your parents why embracing diversity is so important.
- Share with them how your friends have helped you overcome your limits, opening up new perspectives.
- Avoid falling into stereotypes.
Part 2 of 2: Avoiding Negativity
Step 1. Try to understand the nature of their racism
While understanding a racist belief is a tall order, make an effort and try to somehow get inside their head. Racism is an endemic problem in many societies. It is often so subtle that many do not even notice that their actions and words have a racist undertone.
- The way people of color are portrayed in the media is often subtle. The words used to describe them, for example, are often littered with outdated and offensive terminology. This is not a phenomenon limited to texts that can be traced back to the "hate speech" category; on the contrary, it is also widespread in well-known and often national newspapers. With the constant repetition of stereotypes through the media, a person's point of view can easily distort without one noticing. This obviously doesn't excuse racism, but it can help you understand your parents better.
- People are often blind to their own racism. As we have already made clear, people tend to get defensive when it comes to issues related to race. It can therefore happen that a form of creeping racism insinuates itself imperceptibly. Your parents may not be able to notice the racism behind their views. You can certainly do your best to point out to them when they have such an attitude, but try to understand how subtle these dynamics can be and why it is so difficult to change those who support racist views.
- The media, for example, often demonizes blacks when they are victims of some crime; on the contrary, they seem to actually take the side of whites even when they are suspected of serious crimes, such as shootings and armed attacks.
Step 2. Don't engage in conversations that make you uncomfortable
At some point you will have to accept that racism is sadly a well-established belief system that is difficult to eradicate. You should try to develop a no tolerance policy towards racist comments, especially if talking about it with your parents costs you a lot of emotional involvement.
- If they try to get you in a fight, stay out. Realize the feelings that move them and move on to another topic immediately.
- It is very difficult for people to change their mind, especially if they are ingrained beliefs. Sometimes the only thing you can hope for is that they eventually evolve and become less racist. Getting angry, criminalizing, making accusations and slamming the door will do no good and will only fuel resentment. If, on the other hand, you tell your parents how much you love them and how grateful you are to them for all the things they have done for you, you will see that at the first opportunity they will spontaneously question their positions. After all, they love you as much as you love them. Also try to bring other like-minded family members to your side and talk to them to see if they can help and support you.
Step 3. Recognize the high chances of failure
Remember that it is very rare to see people change their minds, especially if they are of a certain age. On the other hand, it is very likely that addressing the subject of their racism with your parents will not change their attitude one iota. However, not letting go of certain behaviors is important. Racism feeds on people's silence and their unwillingness to have uncomfortable discussions. Silence is sometimes seen as an encouragement or as an act of acceptance of racist views. Make sure you make it clear to them that you don't share their point of view. Even if an argument ends badly, you have a moral duty to resume it in the future.
