Usually, the most exciting and happy phase of a relationship is the beginning. It is understandable that you want to let everyone know that you have a partner and many people immediately talk about it openly. However, not everyone does this: it may actually happen that your new partner prefers to keep the relationship a secret. This does not necessarily mean that your story has to end, especially if you understand its reasons, if you are convinced that it is sincere and if over time the situation will resolve itself.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Investigating the Reasons
Step 1. Don't jump to conclusions
There are many reasons why your partner may want to keep your relationship a secret, so don't assume it's necessarily bad. In reality, the reason for the secrecy could be simple and harmless. For example, your partner may have a reserved, quiet personality, and may not feel ready to share that private side of her life.
Step 2. Explain your concerns sincerely to your partner
If keeping your relationship a secret makes you uncomfortable or if you don't know his motives, your best bet is to have an open dialogue. Choose a time when you can talk without distractions and share your concerns. Use first-person affirmations to keep her from closing in and defending herself.
You can tell her, "We've been dating for a few months and I noticed that you haven't introduced me to your family and friends yet. It hurts me a little that you keep our relationship a secret. Can you explain to me why you don't feel comfortable with it. idea that our love story becomes public?"
Step 3. Consider that she may have just ended another relationship
Your partner may want to keep your story a secret out of respect for her ex if she recently left him. He may also want to protect you from the negative attention you might get from his ex or people who know him.
- For example, an ex might take revenge or hold a grudge against you simply because he still loves your partner.
- There is also the possibility that your new partner still has feelings for her ex and wants to keep your relationship a secret so as not to miss the chance to get back with him.
Step 4. Realize that your partner may not want to define the relationship so soon
Some people are afraid of the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". They may have had bad experiences in serious relationships or are just scared of getting involved. Whatever the reason, some people don't want their romance going public.
Step 5. Be aware that your partner may not want to hear criticism
If her parents or other people close to her have strong opinions about who she should be dating, she may want to keep your relationship a secret, especially if you don't fit that identikit. Hiding the truth allows her to avoid stress, but it can also negatively impact your relationship. However, he may also keep you hidden to protect you from criticism from loved ones.
Step 6. Remember that workplace relationships can be prohibited
If you're upset that your partner doesn't want to go public with your relationship, and it's a colleague or your boss, consider how the relationship would affect your reputation at work. In some cases it is absolutely forbidden to fraternize between employees or superiors, so it is necessary to keep the romance a secret to protect your careers.
Step 7. Consider your partner's children
If you are dating someone who has children, they may have personal reasons why they don't want to make your relationship public. Based on the age and maturity of the children, as well as the length of your relationship, your partner may decide to keep the secret until she is ready to share the news with her children.
- This situation can be annoying, but try to show empathy if your partner has to balance her love life and her duties as a parent. She may have separated, divorced, or recently widowed. Sharing the news of a new relationship too soon can create emotional chaos in children who have not yet overcome the loss of the other parent.
- Additionally, some parents prefer not to introduce their children to new partners until they feel the dating can last for the long term. If you're just starting out with your new partner, give her some time.
Step 8. Show compassion if your partner has not declared his homosexuality
If your boyfriend or girlfriend hasn't made his homosexuality or bisexuality public, he may decide to keep your relationship a secret. In some cases, due to religious beliefs or conservative views, your partner may fear the social repercussions of their sexual orientation.
- In this case, try to be understanding and support your partner. However, not being recognized can be frustrating, and having a partner who hasn't made public their homosexuality can create tension in your relationship.
- You may find it helpful to participate in couples therapy or talk to a psychologist who is experienced in helping teenagers who can help you accept your relationship and sexuality.
Step 9. Be aware that infidelity may be the reason
Your partner may prefer secrecy because she is in another relationship. Another possible reason is that he doesn't want to just engage with you, but see other people as well. Making your relationship public could threaten or end other connections your lover has or wants to have.
The possible signs that you are not the only person dating your partner are never going out together or only doing it in isolated places, seeing each other only on weekdays and never mentioning yourself on social media
Part 2 of 3: Evaluating if You Can Accept the Secrecy
Step 1. Remember that you have a choice
Your feelings are as valid as those of your partner. If keeping your relationship a secret makes you feel unhappy or uncomfortable, remember that you don't have to carry it on. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone who doesn't consider your feelings.
For a better perspective, talk to a trusted friend about your feelings. You can say, "Hi, I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Laura. Would you like to listen to me?"
Step 2. Decide if you believe his reasons
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you don't believe what your partner is telling you is the truth, it's probably time to move on. Instinct is usually not wrong, but be sure to evaluate the situation objectively and in all its nuances before making final decisions.
- Pay attention to your own insecurities and fears that may accompany you after previous relationships. Don't let those feelings affect your current romance and the decisions you make.
- Tell your partner your doubts. Tell her what your fears, worries are, and if she can't make you feel better in her own words, maybe you shouldn't carry on with the relationship.
- Start the conversation by saying something like: "I care a lot about you and I like being with you, but I'm worried. Can you explain to me why you want to keep the secret from us?"
Step 3. Know that keeping a secret can increase stress
At first it can be exciting not to go public with a relationship, but over time it can become a problem. You may get tired of lying and start feeling jealous, depressed, lonely, and insecure. Having these feelings in a new relationship usually isn't a good start.
Tell your feelings to the school counselor or another adult you trust. Discussing the situation with an impartial and uninformed person can help you understand more clearly what you want and decide what to do
Step 4. Try to accept the situation
If you have evaluated your partner's motivations and have decided that you trust her, the next step is to move forward with love and acceptance. Respect your partner's wishes and remember that keeping your relationship a secret, for the right reasons, doesn't stop you from creating a healthy and satisfying union.
In some situations, keeping a relationship a secret is the best choice until you have decided to make a more serious commitment. In the meantime, consider your relationship as something valuable that the world may not yet know about
Part 3 of 3: Publish the Report or Turn the Page
Step 1. Lead by example
If your partner seems ready to go public with your relationship, take small steps forward with discretion. This way you can make her understand that disclosing your secret is not a bad thing. You may also want to encourage her to be more open about you to others.
- For example, posting a photo of the two of you on Facebook or Instagram is an easy way to take the first step. Other ideal methods are to invite her out with your friends or go to a party with her.
- Only do this if you are sure your partner is ready to go public with your relationship. Otherwise, you could create problems, hurrying them.
Step 2. End the relationship if you are unhappy
You may have thought you could keep the romance a secret and agreed to do so. However, if you realize you can't take it anymore, you don't have to move on. In some situations it may not be healthy to continue dating someone who hides their love for you, especially for no good reason. Fortunately, you can make the decision to walk away.
Keeping a secret relationship can be an advantage when you decide to end it. Not having it public on social media and not having anyone ask you what happened can help you recover more easily than the scenario where everyone knows about your relationship
Step 3. Find out what you want in the future
While it can be painful to deal with a partner who keeps your relationship a secret, going through this experience can help you understand what you want in a romance. To have a healthy relationship, you need to feel that your emotional needs are being met. Plus, even if all relationships have tough times, yours should make you feel welcomed, supported, and positive. When starting a new date, be sure to consider your needs.
- Become more aware of your emotions. Instead of following what your partner says like it's law, decide for yourself how you feel.
- Think about what you need. Is it important for you to be able to share your relationship with friends and family? In that case, make it clear right away.
- Listen to your instincts. Your inner voice will tell you if you feel safe in the new relationship. If you hear any alarm bells, be careful and take the right countermeasures.
