Whether you've been engaged or already married to that wonderful partner for several years, the idea of your partner's previous marriage can be a punch in the stomach, especially if the ex is on bad terms with both of you. This guide is written to help those who find it difficult to deal with the remnants of their partner's previous marriage.
Steps
Step 1. Assess the situation
If everyone involved wants to try to get along (especially important if there are shared children), make an effort to be cooperative. Understand that your partner's former partner is a human being, if he makes an effort to treat you with respect, you should do the same. Even if you find yourself in a situation where the ex is uncooperative or worse, accept the fact that there is nothing you can do but try to ignore him and be friendly when you are in his presence. The best way to combat immaturity is to ignore it and not adapt. If there is no reaction, then he will likely give up.
Step 2. Consider the source of your ambivalent or worried feelings about your ex
If there is a part of you that is insecure about yourself or your attachment to your partner, your ex's problem could be a problem with your insecurity. If you're worried that your partner still has feelings for the ex, or that the ex still has a chance, it's time to look at the situation more realistically so that you can let those emotions go. For instance:
- Ask yourself if your partner would have married you without any problems or if he still wanted to be with his ex. Marriage is a big commitment and it shows that a person has moved on, so you have to trust. If there are trust issues, it's time to fix them.
- Have you had bad experiences in the past where an ex hurt you and kept you from being comfortable with someone? Put it in perspective: the past is no more.
- Are you influenced by someone else's example, such as the loss of a parent or a TV celebrity? These are not good examples, because they are not the same as your circumstances!
- Do you find it difficult to talk to your ex partner? If so, maybe it's time to address the issue, including your discomfort, so that both of you can find a way to discuss your ex. Don't forget, you probably have an ex too, so now is the best time to reassure your partner!
Step 3. Deal with the children involved
Don't try to act as if you are the biological parent of your partner's children. They will grow closer to you if you give them time and space; get them used to it first. Keep accepting, being kind and thoughtful, even if their behavior towards you is different.
- Never resent your partner for having to pay child support (if this is the case). Realize that when you accept your partner into your life, you also accept all of their baggage. Learn to think of child support as an account that one of you has received, but you both accept and pay for it together, not unlike the credit card statements acquired before marriage. Also, if something happens to one of you and there are children, you want to make sure the children are in good hands, so allow your partner to do so too.
- If you think your ex is greedy or getting more than they should from your partner, be cautious when pointing this out to your partner. It is best to talk indirectly about the costs of raising children and let the partner draw the conclusions themselves. Know that they will always do this because it is a commitment to their children and an ongoing expense.
Step 4. Know how to spot a poisonous ex
It's not all about being sweet and ignoring the ex. If the ex is acting poisonous, this could poison your marriage and you have to put an end, kindly but forcefully before that happens. Identifying a poisonous ex means seeing beyond the occasional upset and painful statements, looking for a pattern in which one uses or leans too much on the partner. Some signs of a poisonous ex can include:
- It shows up unannounced at your home, pretending to be able to see your partner and / or children at any time.
- It intimidates you by asking about your activities, where you are and your future plans.
- Try to sabotage your relationship.
- Children say terrible things about you that can only come from one source: the ex.
- You and your partner are the scapegoat for anything wrong with his life, even his bad behavior.
- She can't help but comment on the instability or incompatibility of your marriage. He comments on how he did things with your partner, criticizing what you are making your partner do now. For example, “He wasn't like that. He just does it to get along with you. One day it will explode just like it did with me."
- Instead of sticking to legal procedures, it will do nothing or the opposite, just to drag you into the processes.
Step 5. Don't dwell in the past
The partner is likely to want to move on beyond the choices they have made, so staying in the past doesn't help. Indeed, if you insist on the ex, you could create an insane block that prevents you from moving forward and achieving something positive belonging to the two of you. Instead, focus on making your time together beautiful, so that your positive memories begin to crowd into those of your ex.
Step 6. Learn to be happy
Be grateful for the fate that you and your partner have found each other. Be happy that you are both happy. Don't think of yourself as the "second wife" or "third husband". The numbers are just for those in the past: you are simply your partner's husband or wife, and he is yours. Is simple. Make it simple and you will also make your marriage happy and lasting.
Advice
- Remind yourself that it has taken a lifetime, full of experiences, for you to be together, so you should be grateful for every single experience from his past, because all of this has made the two of you together now. This doesn't mean that everything is fun, but having him or her should eclipse the past. You won't feel grateful all the time, but try to recall it when you need it.
- Dealing with a partner's previous marriage can be very difficult, especially if you arrived shortly after (or perhaps during) the divorce. Try to be patient. Support your partner, he needs it because a divorce is stressful (especially a messed up one)
Warnings
- If you can't stop obsessing over your partner's ex, it's time to talk to a counselor about these thoughts of yours.
- It is easy to develop self-centered thinking, specially if you have never been married and have no luggage to carry around. Try to stay away from them and keep a positive attitude.
- If the ex is really vindictive, don't just stand by. There are times when you should ask for help, legal or financial, to objectively understand if the ex is truly vindictive.
