Teamwork is important when you are in a relationship. However, if the other person is having a hard time finding a balance between you and their family, you may begin to think that something is separating you. It's common to feel hurt or betrayed if your partner doesn't support you when their family criticizes or judges you. Lack of a common understanding of family conflict management can damage your relationship, so you need to know how to deal with this situation. In these cases, learn to communicate more effectively with those around you, set boundaries with their family, and get respected.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Talk to Your Partner
Step 1. Choose the right time to speak
His family is a sensitive subject, so you should discuss it when you are sure your partner is in the mood. Avoid starting a conversation when he is nervous, tired or stressed: choose a time when you are both relaxed and in a good mood.
- To relieve tension, it would be a good idea to talk to him while doing something together. Try introducing the subject when you are in the car or folding the laundry. Tell him, "Honey, I'd like to talk to you about your family. Sometimes I feel like I'm being judged and I don't feel supported."
- Also keep in mind that if he takes time to think about what you say to him, you will probably need to stop the discussion and come back to it later. Try to consider their needs and give them the time they need.
Step 2. Explain to him how his family makes you feel
Be honest about the things that bother you. Don't assume that your partner realizes how sorry you are about their parents' behavior.
- Speak in the first person to express your mood. For example, try saying, "I feel disheartened when we are with your parents and I hear certain things."
- Try not to raise your voice during the discussion, even if you are frustrated. He may get defensive if you are visibly angry.
- Tell him, "I know you love your mother and she loves you too, but it bothers me when you always criticize the education I give our daughter. underline".
Step 3. Let him know that you want his support
It is best for your partner to learn to handle problems that arise with his or her family. Explain that you need his support.
- You might say, "The next time your mom starts telling me we should raise Olivia differently, can you come in and defend the decisions we've made together? Your help would mean a lot to me."
- Avoid blaming him for not supporting you in the past. Focus on what you expect from him in the future.
Step 4. Don't criticize other people's character
If you attack his family personally, he may instinctively side with his relatives. Stick to the facts when explaining your reasons. Report particular incidents that have occurred and avoid making judgments about the character of others.
- Similarly, avoid using "always" and "never". The sentences containing these words rarely correspond to the reality of the facts and often cause quarrels.
- Don't forget that your partner loves his family members, so it's only natural that he feels attached to them.
Step 5. Find a solution together
The person next to you knows their family members best and knows how to deal with them. Collaborate in trying to find some ideas that prevent you from creating friction and hurting the susceptibility of others during family reunions.
- For example, try to sit down at a table, evaluate what is happening and decide how to deal with the situation based on the character of each family member. Maybe your partner can handle a particular person and explain how you can interact with them. She might say, "Aunt Sara has judged every girlfriend of mine. Maybe you better ignore her comments."
- You could even prepare a dialogue and practice speaking in certain situations. This will make it easier for your partner to intervene when you need their help.
Step 6. Listen actively
Even the most sensitive topics can be dealt with more easily if both interlocutors learn to listen carefully. In other words, you have to listen to understand, not to respond. When your partner talks to you, try to:
- Look him in the eye every now and then.
- Eliminate distractions, such as cell phones or televisions.
- Show openness through body language (for example, arms and legs relaxed at the sides).
- Ask questions for clarification (for example: "Do you mean…?").
- Summarize his point of view to make sure you understand his speech correctly (for example: "So you are saying that …").
- Wait first to answer until he has finished speaking.
Step 7. Consider going to couples therapy
If you find it difficult to agree on how to manage family conflicts, couples therapy will help you understand each other better. A good therapist will teach you communication techniques and help you find solutions according to your respective needs.
You might say, "Honey, I realize that you can't bring your point of view to your family. I think it would be helpful to consult a therapist to help us understand how to handle this. Do you agree?"
Part 2 of 3: Setting Limits
Step 1. Don't confuse your relationship with your partner's family
You are engaged or married to this person, not his entire family. Don't let problems with family members compromise your relationship.
- If you feel that their differences are putting your relationship in jeopardy, remember all the sides you value in your partner that have nothing to do with his or her family. Write them down and read them every now and then.
- For example, if you only meet her parents on holidays and special occasions, you probably don't tend to worry if some tension arises because you don't have to deal with them very often.
Step 2. Discuss limitations with your partner
Sit down and set reasonable limits. Think of everything in your power to reduce friction and maintain family peace.
- For example, a limit to propose might be not to invite your parents to sleep when they come to visit you.
- Another limitation could be not allowing her family to interfere in your decisions as a couple, such as having children, practicing a certain religion, or determining where you should live.
Step 3. Ask your partner to tell their family about the limits you have set
His relatives will need to know the new rules that you have decided together, so he should communicate them to his family so that you can apply them as needed. Be kind and friendly, but determined. However, enforce yourself if someone makes unacceptable jokes about your decisions.
- Also, make sure your family is aware of the reasons that led you to set these limits.
- You might say, "We are very happy that you care about us, but we prefer not to discuss our financial situation anymore. The decisions about how we spend the money we earn are just the two of us."
Step 4. Enforce your limits
It is likely that from time to time you will need to remind your partner's relatives of the rules you have established. If they are used to acting a certain way, it will take some time to change their behavior.
If they don't respect your limits, you have to reiterate them by saying something like this: "Remember that we have decided not to have children. Can you support our choice even if you disagree?"
Part 3 of 3: Get Respected
Step 1. Be confident and assertive
Remember that you are an adult too. When dealing with older family members, such as your partner's parents, you may feel like you are a child again, but that's not the case. It is your right to defend yourself if you have the impression that they annoy you or misjudge you.
- Being assertive doesn't mean disrespect. You can stand up for yourself and, at the same time, be fair and kind.
- For example, she assertively states, "I know you don't understand my culture, but it is important for my husband and I to celebrate this holiday. I respect your religious beliefs and will appreciate if you do the same with me."
Step 2. Talk to your partner's family
If you are having trouble with a particular person, try addressing them directly. By taking the initiative, you will prove mature and earn his respect.
It is much better to talk about the problems that happen than to leave them hanging for years. Try saying: "Giulia, when you interrupt me it seems to me that I have no say in the matter. I would appreciate it very much if you let me finish talking before expressing your opinion"
Step 3. Reject unsolicited advice or comments
If your partner's family criticizes you or often offers you unwanted advice, come up with some specific answers to change the topic of conversation. Practice answering first. That way, you will be calmer and more composed when the opportunity arises.
- If you're talking to someone older than you, a great way to handle unsolicited advice is to respond politely, "Really interesting!" or "What a cute story!". For example, if your mother-in-law tells you that you should cook differently for your children, ask her what she made for her own.
- Alternatively, you could answer: "It's interesting! I'll try it sometime" and "Thanks for the advice, but we decided to do it this way".
Step 4. Consider limiting contact with your partner's family
If you really can't stop friction with his relatives, try to reduce contact with them. Not attending family reunions can be the best way to keep the peace and avoid tension in your relationship. However, if you prefer to go to family gatherings, you can guarantee your attendance within a time limit.
