Problems between parents and children are common to everyone and will never end. If you are looking to improve your relationship with your parents, you are not the only one. To recover from it, analyze the underlying causes of your problems, communicate in a more mature way, and consider how you might change the way you think and behave. If your relationship is fluctuating or not the happiest, but you want to save it, you can take a number of steps to achieve this.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Change from a Personal Perspective
Step 1. Take the initiative
Don't wait for your parents to try to improve relationships. If you want to have a stronger relationship with them, you should start right away and act first.
Step 2. Be grateful
Consider everything they have done for you, all the ways they have helped you and led to your ideas. That way, you may feel a sense of gratitude towards them and feel tempted to improve relationships, compromise, or behave more indulgently when they annoy you.
- Let them know how grateful you are for all they have done for you. Parents can also feel bad if they feel underappreciated.
- Be grateful in your behaviors. Give them a nice gift or, if you live under the same roof, don't spare yourself to help out around the house even if they don't ask for it. They will certainly be happy with it.
Step 3. Move away emotionally
This is not to say that you don't have to worry or not feel affection for your parents. However, if you can manage your attachment to them, you will feel less involved in arguments and arguments. In this way, you will be able to not get overwhelmed by situations and avoid ruining the relationship. There are two main ways you can create an emotional barrier that distances you from your parents.
- Seek their approval less. Learn to build your personality and fuel your self-esteem on your own.
- Accept what happened and move on. The relationship with your parents may have been troubled in the past. Think about and evaluate the role you played, but don't let it determine your relationships in the future.
Step 4. Look at things from their point of view
Often people don't get along because they can't take other people's views into account. If you learn to understand someone else's position and come to understand their reasons, you are even more willing to compromise and improve the relationship.
- Accept that your parents are different from you. They belong to a different generation, raised with different social and behavioral rules, with different technologies and thought patterns, with parents who, in turn, treated them in a certain way, certainly very different from the one in which children are raised today.. Think about how their life might differ from yours and to what extent such a gap could lead to problems in your relationship.
- Use these considerations when talking to them to improve relationships. Point out that times change and invite them to reflect on how they interacted with their parents. See if they can remember all the relationship problems due to these "generational" differences.
- For example, if there is tension between you because they disapprove of your decision to move in with your partner before marriage, try to explain that in their day there was another mentality, that times change and that, in fact, it is quite normal to move in with your partner without being married.
Step 5. Mature your identity
It is normal and even healthy to think for yourself and have your own opinions on such matters. As you become more independent and detach yourself from your parents, you may find that your relationship is gradually improving.
- Discover your nature. Put aside what everyone thinks about you and how you should live your life, including your parents, and question yourself seriously. Try to honestly answer questions about emotions you no longer want to experience, activities you'd like to spend more time on, your skills, or the kind of person you think you are.
- Try to understand if you agree with your parents' ideas because you also consider them valid or because you are inclined to automatically think the same way as they do from various points of view (for example, about your romantic relationships, your political beliefs or more simply to the choice of the favorite team).
Step 6. Think of them as adults, not parents
If you keep seeing them as your parents, you could be acting childish without realizing it, risking fueling the dynamics you are trying to change.
For example, if you continue to expect them to support you financially, you can put them in a position to give you unwanted advice or make you feel guilty if you are not with them
Part 2 of 2: Changing the Dynamics of the Relationship
Step 1. Find the root cause of the problem
Determine precisely what ruins your relationship with your parents. There are several reasons that could push you to improve it.
Maybe you get the impression that they give you too much unwanted advice, treat you like a child, disrespect your opinions, make you feel guilty about not spending time with them, or disrespecting friends or your partner. Try to get a good idea of the aspects of your relationship that you would like to improve
Step 2. Be respectful
Even if you disagree about how they treat you, their values or their principles, try to be courteous to yours. That way, you'll keep them from getting defensive.
You can show your respect in several ways. Try speaking politely (for example, saying "I'm sorry" or "would you mind if"), speaking humbly (saying "may be" instead of "definitely is"), and letting them finish a speech before taking the floor
Step 3. Don't let the situation escalate
If you quarrel with your parents, do everything you can to recover relationships as soon as possible. This will show that you care about them and also prevent an issue from dragging on for too long.
Step 4. Stay calm
Don't overreact when you talk to them, or you will end up saying things you may regret, further damaging relationships, and will give the impression of being immature.
- When you interact with your parents and you feel a sudden rush of emotions assault you, question yourself in order to reexamine the situation that triggered them.
- For example, if a disagreement has arisen about mowing the lawn, ask yourself, "After all, how much does it cost me to mow the lawn?"
- Alternatively, if you don't live with your parents, but they intervene too much in your life by asking you detailed questions about your job and giving you unwanted advice, you might ask yourself, "Why do they feel so involved? Do they care about me and are they worried about my financial security? ". By questioning yourself in this way, you will not be prone to irritation and will have a clearer idea of how you should react to them. Going back to the example described above, you could try to revive relationships by reassuring them about your financial situation.
- If even after reconsidering the whole situation you cannot calm down, ask politely if you can resume the discussion when you have a more peaceful soul. Explain that you are feeling too nervous and would like to avoid mis-expressing yourself or accidentally saying something you may regret.
Step 5. Be positive
Smile at your parents. Try to maintain a positive and friendly attitude. Use your body language to communicate how happy you are to see them and that you care about their well-being. In this way, you will lead by example and you will come to improve relationships with them. Without thinking, they may even begin to introject the positive emotions you convey. This sort of emotional mimicry will help you create a climate that can improve your relationship.
Step 6. Don't ask for advice if you don't want it
Sometimes problems arise in the relationships between children and parents, particularly from adolescence onwards, because parents are so harassing with their advice that they threaten their children's sense of independence.
To avoid this problem, try to contact your parents only when you are really sure you want their advice. If you do this because you are too listless to think on your own and question them, know that you could run into annoyances and frustrations
Step 7. Be open and honest
To improve the relationship dynamics with your parents, try to show your willingness to discuss sensitive topics with them. In this way, you will be able to establish a complicity that will allow you to improve your relationship.
Update them regularly so they can get a better idea of your life, what irritates you or makes you happy. If they don't know you well, it will be harder for them to recover their relationship with you. If you listen to them, they will be more likely to listen to you and discuss what you can do to strengthen your understanding
Step 8. Establish limits and rules
If you intend to maintain a peaceful relationship with your parents, but realize that in the end you never agree, consider setting limits in certain areas. This method works best when you are older or no longer live with them. Also try to propose the creation and respect of some rules.
- Sit down with your parents and communicate your intention to improve your relationship, but that, in order to do so, you think it is useful to establish some rules. Have them list all the ones they would like to introduce, and do the same.
- If you are a teenager or a child, they may forbid you to talk about certain topics, give you the chance to try something on your own, or allow you to come home later in the evening if you show that you are responsible by alerting them with a text or a phone call.
- If you are an adult, you may want to ask your parents not to interfere in the way you choose to raise your children or make negative judgments about your partner.
- Discuss the various proposed rules and summarize them in a list that everyone likes. Review them from time to time to see if you are still willing to follow them.
Step 9. Avoid unnecessary discussions
Arguing is sometimes inevitable, but do your best to avoid unnecessary bickering. Sometimes you may have to bite your tongue when one of them says something you disagree with. If this is the case, try to figure out if it is really necessary to respond, and if so, express your opinion clearly and humbly to prevent the discussion from escalating.
Step 10. Relate in a mature way
Tackle problems objectively and rationally. If you show your parents that you are a mature person, it is very likely that they will behave in the same way. Often when parents see that their children are sensible and responsible, they treat them accordingly.
