Dealing with rejection is terrible, from whoever it comes from. However, when a parent does not accept you, the bitter morsel to swallow is double, also because this person gave you life and you have depended on her for years. There are times when you can't deny at all that you feel rejected by one of your parents, or both, for several reasons. This article, while not the definitive answer to your problems, can give you a little help or make you feel better.
Steps
Step 1. Identify the root of the problem before trying to fix it
The best move you can make is to approach your parents and respectfully clarify the matter. In most cases, it's not so much what you say that matters, but how you say it. You must have courage, adequate words and self-control to avoid being overwhelmed by emotionality. Explain your state of mind as follows: “I feel that you feel resentment and rejection towards me (insert examples referring to some moments in which this happened). I would like to know if it's just my impression. If so, then I'd like to know why you behave this way around me. How can we work together to improve our relationship?”. In order not to be mistaken, you need openness, respect and self-control, otherwise the conversation will turn into a bad fight. When a parent rejects their child, there are usually several reasons. In general, a parent, even if he is authoritarian, dominant or not very accommodating, loves his children deeply. Sure, maybe your parents are freezing cold and you feel unloved by one or both, but you have to keep in mind that you are a unique person who deserves to be loved. Your brothers, sisters, grandparents and friends love you. Do not forget.
Step 2. Accept that you may not be able to do much about it
If a parent of yours has practically disowned you because you claimed to be gay, because he disapproves of your wife, or because you have religious differences, you will hardly be able to change in order to gain this much-desired approval and / or acceptance again. In these cases, time usually heals all wounds; if you make it clear that you are open to talking to him, but don't force him before he's ready, eventually he will likely go to you. In the meantime, remember that your life belongs to you, and you are free to live as you see fit, with or without your parents' approval or permission.
Step 3. Identify any favoritism
Sometimes the feeling of rejection arises from the presumed idea that a parent prefers one child to another. This is because comparisons (which generally do little to favor the child who feels rejected) are painful. The reality is that we all have preferences in our personal relationships. While parents "should" love their children equally, some fail to bother to understand a child who in their eyes is so difficult to understand, or perhaps because he has a different personality or tastes. Do you reflect yourself in this case? First, try not to hate your sibling for it, instead recognize that if you continue to be yourself, the parent you don't have a good relationship with will hardly be as comfortable with you as your sibling. Now it might hurt you, but when you get older, you won't regret cultivating your individuality and all that makes you a unique person. You will find that your character traits do not make you an undesirable person, it is just that it is harder for your parents to find a way to develop a connection with you.
Step 4. Give free expression to your feelings
Perhaps it has been repeated to you hundreds of times in other contexts, but it is actually a valid suggestion. Speak out. Talk to your parents and try to root out the problem. Or, talk to your brother or a close relative. If someone is willing to talk, there will always be someone willing to listen. Don't you have anyone? You can always call the Telefono Azzurro, where people capable of guaranteeing you good resources work. Sure, it sounds like a drastic move, but at least you can let off steam, remain anonymous, and talk to someone for friendly advice. If you don't feel like talking, go on the internet, at home or at an internet café, and participate in forums populated by young people who have an experience similar to yours. You can also give it a try on some social network.
Step 5. Find a place to stay
If you've been kicked out of the house, or you don't want to or can't stay there anymore, go and stay with a relative or friend if possible. It may not be permanent, but it will serve as a foothold to help you figure out what to do.
Step 6. Find a solution, whatever it is
At least try to reconnect with your parents. Send them a note, perhaps accompanied by a bouquet of flowers, or go home to talk to them. Listen to what they have to say, expect to be heard, but calmly, and don't be afraid to cry, because tears have a great power, that of letting you vent. Try to find common ground and ask them how you could work together to be a close family.
Step 7. Try to understand the dynamics of the situation from their point of view
This doesn't mean you should excuse disruptive behavior, but it might help you realize that your parents may not fully understand the seriousness of their actions. Some parents hate their children, and why they have chosen to procreate remains a mystery; these people should be ignored as much as possible when given the opportunity. However, other parents reject their children because they do not intend to follow the projects they have tried to impose, those plans they have been planning since they were infants. They believe that by simply following the path they have paved for you, you will avoid suffering and that in life you will be served everything on a silver platter, or nearly so, for a prosperous and perfect existence. Example: if they have been insisting on becoming a doctor for a lifetime but you have decided to become an artist, they could express the disappointment resulting from the failure of the authoritarian plan to import a life not yours by constantly pointing out the stupidity of your choices and the disappointment they cause. They tell you that you are a failure and so on. Parents sometimes mistakenly think that this kind of reprimand will get you "down to earth". They believe they are doing this for your own good, and that this behavior will help you make the right choices, leaving behind the allegedly bad decisions made so far. In fact, you feel like a failure in their eyes and think they don't love you.
Step 8. Accept the most peaceful type of relationship you can have with them
You may not have much choice until you come of age, in which case you will just have to try your best and grit your teeth. But, once you reach adulthood, if you have tried to talk to them and all your efforts to remedy the problem have failed, then accept everything you can. There is no point in reproaching yourself: the fault is theirs, not yours. Your job is to be a good person, live as you see fit, and be a kind, caring, and loving friend or family member. Your job is not to try to change them, just as they shouldn't do that to you. Okay, these aren't the parents you wanted. Nonetheless, it is the parents who have touched you. If you can only understand that they won't change (just as you won't), then you can limit your exposure to family life in order to have a civil relationship. If your parents tend to be nice at the beginning of a meeting and then reveal their true nature after an hour, giving free rein to criticism, do not extend your visits for more than this time frame. Go to them for a snack or a cup of tea and then walk away saying, "Well, thanks for the snack, I really have to go now!" And do it before the situation escalates. If you know that the unpleasantness begins before the hour is up, stay away from them. He calls to find out how they are and, as soon as the criticisms start pouring in, he says: “Ok, mom, well, yes, I understand, but I really have to go. See you". And hang up. Is every single contact with them extremely difficult and horrible? Ignore them completely and create a family of your own, relying on your friends or other relatives. Remember that the important thing is to do what makes you feel good.
- Read How To Deal With Impossible People.
- Read How to Deal with a Parent Who Seeks Control.
Step 9. Don't do anything drastic
Don't hurt yourself. Self-harm is not the answer. Don't take anger out on another person.
Read How To Stop Getting Cuts On Your Body
Step 10. Bring out anger or sadness in a productive way
If you are still a minor, try attending a youth club. Talk to the owners, who may be able to help you; while you're there, spend a few carefree hours with your peers. Does this idea not convince you? Sign up for a gym or a boxing class, otherwise go for a run in the park, especially if you don't feel like splurging. If you like to write, tell your feelings on paper; instead of speaking in the first person, use the third person, so as to observe yourself from the outside. It will serve to take your mind away from anger and pain. Writing also allows you to let off steam, so do it with passion, body and soul. Once finished, let the residual anger surface by tearing the paper. You can also make the sadness flow by burning it, letting the ashes disperse thanks to the wind.
- Read How to Get Rid of Anger.
- Read How To Throw A Ended Relationship Over Your Shoulder.
Step 11. Don't let yourself be defined by what others think of you
If you let people decide who you are, you will never be happy. Your purpose will always be to please others instead of thinking about yourself. While it seems noble and selfless, the truth is that you have to be loyal to yourself. Don't your parents understand you? This does not mean that your life has less value or meaning. You don't even understand certain people, who certainly don't stop living because you have different ideas about certain things. Just like you, others have opinions. And that's not a problem, it's perfectly normal. What you think is as valid as what anyone else thinks.
Read How To Stop Being Too Pleasant With Others
Step 12. Know when it is time to take another path
Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you come to a point where you realize that your parents will never accept you for who you are. Each encounter with them is always more painful than the last, and progress is just a mirage. In these (rare) cases, you have to accept that you have done what you can and move on. Make sure that your contact is minimal, or zero. It will be painful at first, but it is healthy for your mental health.
Read How to Close an Authoritarian and Manipulatory Relationship. These steps especially focus on those who want to escape from a romantic relationship, but many of the tips can be applied to a parent-child relationship
Step 13. Adopt another family, treat it as if it were your own
Many children of not very affectionate parents are lucky enough to be able to count on a couple of wonderful friends, a real panacea for the soul. Knowing that coming home for the holidays is painful for you, they may invite you to celebrate with their families. If it becomes a habit, you may feel them closer than your parents. Okay, you don't want to be a burden to your friends, but they are likely to see you as part of the family, and will welcome you like this, celebrating your choices and your goals. Or you may find that they themselves have no family, and perhaps your friendship will lay the foundations for a new kind of family unit. A happy ending solution to this problem.
Read How to Socialize, Be Fun and Make Friends
Step 14. Try to have a good life
Despite your family's rejection, you can lead a fulfilling and productive life.
Advice
- There are two ways to experience a parent-child relationship: you can represent one figure or the other. If you are a father, you can successfully fill this role by acting as a caring, welcoming and supportive parent towards your children.
- Your family is where your heart is. If your original household doesn't work, create one that suits you. Let's assume you go to college. Some of your new colleagues or friends are from the other end of the country, or are foreigners. If your family is making your life hell and you have decided to cut ties, why not ask your "orphaned" friends (whose families are far away) to join you for the holidays? Make sure your home is open to everyone at Christmas or Easter, or any other holiday, and invite those who live far away from family to spend the day with you. While organizing everything in the shared room at the dorm, your holidays will be much warmer and more colorful.
- Essentially, part of adulthood is dealing with different types of relationships. Do the right thing for yourself. Sometimes it might be bite the bullet and act mature. Sometimes, however, no. Sometimes it means running away from a desperate situation. Learning to relate to people and manage them (and yes, parents are people too) is a skill that can only be acquired with a lot of practice. Consult your interiority, meditate, pray to what you believe in, try to understand what is best for you and for your decisions.
Warnings
- Don't hurt yourself or anyone else! This will not help you, in fact, it will make things worse.
- Some passages in this article can be successful if you can speak calmly to your parents, and if they too can listen to you and respect you. Sometimes this doesn't happen. If so, step back for now and pick up on it later, or learn to recognize when a parent is unable to be part of a normal parent-child relationship for reasons unrelated to you. People suffering from severe personality disorders, such as schizophrenia, or other mental illnesses are unlikely to participate, and this could leave a child, of whatever age, in a state of desolation.
- No matter how perfect you are, your parents may still be disrespectful of you or throw you out of the house for no reason, even if you haven't done anything wrong. Some parents are just like that.
- If you are of legal age, your parents have no legal obligation to support you or take care of you. And they can decide to exclude you from their life without being heard anymore. By law, you are now an adult, so you are the one to answer for yourself.
- Keep in mind that an outsider, such as a family doctor, social worker, or parish priest, is generally not allowed to speak to your parents on your behalf, unless your family takes the in contact first. It might seem unfair and it doesn't make a lot of sense, because this person may know you well, but it's not their right to interfere. However, someone close to the family, such as a friend or relative, can step in to defend you.
- Such a parent may never approve of you, express pride in your accomplishments, or show affection for you. This does not mean that you cannot find acceptance, pride and love elsewhere, and you should definitely do it. Being the child of cold, critical, or bossy people shouldn't stop you from finding warmth elsewhere. Feel grateful for the relationships you have with people who value the real you and who don't require you to waste efforts and tears in loving yourself. Unlike your parents, who will not respond to your attempts to make a troubled relationship become peaceful.
- If your parents kick you out, don't keep visiting them, as they may call the police and force you to leave. You can only give it a try once to try to talk to them. But if they still don't intend to comply with your request, refuse to open the door, or don't answer their cell phone, it's best to give up and try again in the future.
