Criticism is bad for healthy relationships. Even if you do well to express your frustration when someone hurts you, in the long run, severe strains can arise in relationships if you are overly critical. First, you need to focus on correcting the urge to criticize, before it's too late. Then you need to find an effective way to communicate with people when they bother you. Finally, try to broaden your knowledge and question any prejudices that can make you an overly critical person.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Changing Your Behavior
Step 1. Think before you speak
Before you dispense with criticism, pause and consider whether you need to comment on a topic. If someone has made you nervous, do you really need to point it out? Sometimes, it's best to let go of the little indelicacies. Try taking a few deep breaths and, instead of criticizing, walk away.
- It is preferable not to judge others on a character level. People have little control over their temper tantrums. If a friend has a tendency to become obsessed with his interests, perhaps it would be best to smile and nod when talking passionately about his favorite TV show. If hers is a habit, you certainly won't change her behavior by criticizing her.
- Avoid judging the behavior of others by targeting their character. For example, it can be a problem that your partner forgets to pay their phone bill on time every month. However, it is not very useful to tell him, "Why are you so careless?". Maybe you should shut up for the moment and talk later, once you have calmed down. This way you will find a solution to manage the payment of bills, for example by downloading an application on the phone that reminds him when it's time.
Step 2. Be realistic
Often the most critical people demand too high of those around them. It is possible that your tendency to criticize comes from the fact that you expect a lot from those around you. If you feel that others are constantly annoying or disappointing you, you may want to lower your expectations.
- Think about the last time you criticized someone. Where did this criticism arise? Were your expectations about the situation realistic? For example, let's say you scolded your girlfriend for not immediately replying to your text messages when she was out and about with her friends. You point out that you felt neglected and that she should have answered you right away.
- Take a moment to pause and evaluate your claims. Can you really expect your girlfriend to be on the phone with you when she is in the company of her friends? Isn't she entitled to a social life outside of your relationship? You too would probably ignore a lot of messages from her or reply late if you were busy. In this case, perhaps, it would be better to scale back your expectations. It is unreasonable to expect an immediate reply to a message knowing that the recipient is with other people.
Step 3. Do not see the behavior of others in a personal way
Often, those who tend to criticize take everything that happens to them personally and, consequently, also the behavior of others. Maybe you are inclined to criticize those who get on your nerves or create some difficulties for you. In any case, remember that everyone has their own life and problems. If someone's behavior bothers you, it doesn't mean they almost always do it on purpose.
- For example, suppose one of your friends has a habit of screwing up your plans. You may see his attitude as a lack of respect and feel obliged to reprimand him for not giving importance to your relationship. However, if you reflect objectively, you may find that his carelessness has nothing personal to you.
- Look at the situation from an external point of view. Is your friend busy? Is it unreliable with everyone? Are you more introverted than others? Be aware that a number of factors can force a person to cancel their schedules. Therefore, it is very likely that this has nothing to do with you personally. By criticizing, you risk adding more stress to those who are already stressed.
Step 4. Consider people regardless of their actions
Those who criticize often see things partially. It means that it focuses only on the negative sides of a situation or person, excluding the positive ones. This attitude can lead him to criticize others. If you find yourself prejudiced about someone's character, stop. Try to distinguish disappointing behavior from the person engaging in it. No one acts beyond reproach, but a single gesture does not reflect the character complexity of its author.
- If you see someone who does not respect the queue, do you immediately believe that they are a rude person? If your answer is yes, stop for a moment and analyze the situation. Perhaps he is in a hurry, has too many thoughts and has not realized that he has skipped the line. For your part, it is understandable that you feel frustrated. Of course, such behavior is annoying. However, try not to personally judge a stranger based on a single gesture.
- If you get used to distinguishing people from their actions, you will automatically develop a less critical attitude. When you come to understand that you cannot judge a person's character based on a single choice or decision, you will no longer tend to call them rude or disrespectful.
Step 5. Focus on the positives
Often, being critical depends on how you choose to view a situation. Each has its flaws and imperfections. However, more often than not, people have strengths that outweigh their shortcomings. Try focusing more on a person's positives and letting go of the negatives.
- A positive attitude can change the way you react to stress. The most unpleasant emotions act on the amygdala, triggering stress and anxiety. Tension and agitation can lead you to interact badly with others. So if you commit yourself to a positive attitude, you will eventually stop criticizing others.
- Keep in mind that each of us has a certain amount of goodness. While you may be skeptical about it, try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Get out of your mind by trying to see what's good in others. Think of someone in the supermarket who wished the cashier a good day. Pay attention to the colleague who always smiles at you when he passes by your desk.
- Often, people's faults actually depend on some merits. For example, your partner may take a long time to finish the simpler household chores because they are more scrupulous than other people. Maybe he spends an extra 20 minutes washing the dishes because he wants them to be perfectly clean.
Part 2 of 3: Communicate More Effectively
Step 1. Give an opinion rather than launch a criticism
As mentioned, in some cases people have problems they would cope with better if they were addressed appropriately. Maybe a friend who pays their bills late needs some advice, while a colleague who is never on time at work meetings needs to learn how to manage their time. An opinion is very different from a criticism. When it comes to addressing a problem, think about what suggestions you could offer to help someone improve. It is a more effective attitude than a simple criticism. People tend to react better when they are urged constructively, through advice and a little encouragement, than when they receive harsh criticism.
- Let's go back to the previous example. Every month your partner regularly forgets to pay their phone bill. This situation generates unnecessary tension and begins to jeopardize its solvency. You'll probably come to say, "Why don't you pay attention to your bills anymore?" or "Why don't you remember when you have to pay them?", but it's not necessarily effective. Your boyfriend already knows he needs to be more responsible, but for various reasons he has a hard time.
- Instead, offer him an opinion by praising his efforts to find a solution. For example, you might say, "I appreciate you trying to be more responsible. Why don't you go to the stationery and get yourself a calendar? When your phone bill arrives, you can mark the due date by which it must be paid." Also try to propose other possible solutions. For example: "I can remind you to write when you have to pay your bill every month."
Step 2. Ask for what you want directly
Often, when there is poor communication, criticism is heavier. If you don't express what you want, you can't expect the other person to know. Try to express what you want directly, but with respect. This way the need to criticize will disappear over time.
- Suppose your partner regularly forgets to wash their cutlery after using them. Instead of piling up anger and frustration, at the risk of unleashing harsh reprimands in the future, tackle the problem right away.
- Face the problem with respect for the other person. Don't say, "Stop putting dirty forks in the sink. It drives me crazy. Just wash them." Instead, try to put it this way: "Could you please wash the forks after you use them? I noticed we have a lot of them piling up in the sink."
Step 3. Express yourself
Difficult situations arise in every relationship. If someone hurts you or makes you nervous, talk about it. Instead of criticizing, explain the problem by speaking in the first person. By doing this, you will be able to focus on your mood instead of making judgments or blaming it.
- A first-person sentence consists of three parts. It begins with "I feel / have the impression" and continues by explaining the state of mind of the speaker, followed by the behaviors that have given rise to certain sensations. Finally, he ends by illustrating the reasons behind the state of mind communicated at the beginning.
- For example, let's say you are angry that your partner has been spending the last few weekends with their friends. Don't say, "It's so frustrating that you spend all your time with friends without inviting me. You've saved me all the time."
- Reformulate this thought by speaking in the first person. You might say, "I feel left out when you go out with friends and you don't invite me, because I feel like we don't spend a lot of time together."
Step 4. Consider the other party's point of view
Judgments and criticisms go hand in hand. If you criticize others too often, you risk inhibiting them. Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes before making a criticism. Try to honestly see things from his point of view.
- Think about what you are going to say. How would you feel if you received such criticism? Even if what you are saying has some truth, can you formulate it in such a way that it is accepted? For example, if your partner is always late, you will presumably feel entitled to say, "You are disrespecting me by always being late." It is likely that he does not have this intention and that, instead, he feels attacked by a criticism formulated in these terms. How would you feel if someone took it upon you like this?
- Also, try to consider the external factors that affect a certain behavior. Let's say your best friend has been less present lately. Maybe she didn't respond to your messages right away or was pretty quiet. Did something happen to you that changed your behavior? For example, you may know that she is stressed out from work or school. Maybe she's having a hard time after breaking up with her boyfriend. All this could compromise his ability or his desire to be among the people. Try to understand it and don't rush to conclusions.
Step 5. Find a win-win solution to various types of problems
Finally, a great way to be less critical is to seek a solution to problems that arise with others. In theory, criticism should serve to find an effective solution in an unpleasant situation. A purely critical attitude in itself leads nowhere.
- Tell others in what ways you hope they will change. Let's go back to the partner example. Maybe you want me to be more punctual. Tell him how he might be quick to arrive on time and what times are most convenient for you. For example, you may prefer to arrive at a party, meeting or event a little earlier. Don't hesitate to tell him, so he'll do whatever it takes to be ready to go out whenever you want.
- You should also be willing to compromise. For example, arriving at a party half an hour before it starts is a bit of an exaggeration. Maybe you could agree to arrive 10-15 minutes early.
Part 3 of 3: Turn the Page
Step 1. Question your prejudices about others
Everyone has preconceptions about others. If they are exaggerated and frequent, there is a risk of being critical of everything. Therefore, try to question what you think during the day when you find yourself pushing your hand too hard.
- Perhaps you assume that anyone who dresses well or wears heavy makeup is a person who pays close attention to appearances. Instead, it may be that she is insecure and, by dressing in a certain way, she feels better. Perhaps you feel that those who have not earned a degree are lazy or unmotivated. However, it is likely that in his family he had to face difficulties that prevented him from continuing his studies.
- Don't forget that everyone can make mistakes. When you see someone make a mistake, remember times when you didn't behave well or were not so blameless. For example, if you judge a person for passing you at an intersection, be aware of any times you weren't so precise when driving.
Step 2. Try to correct yourself
Is there any problem you are downloading on the people around you? If you are dissatisfied with your job, relationship, social life, or other aspects of your life, try to resolve these issues. Stress caused by a negative attitude can affect your health and well-being, making you unable to handle stress. This situation, in turn, can worsen social relations. If you commit to being a more positive person, you will improve your relationships with others. You will be able to deal with differences more effectively.
Step 3. Get informed
Many people have hidden disabilities. Before you judge or criticize someone, stop and consider the possibility that they have a subtle medical condition.
- If a co-worker seems rude because they don't stop to chat, they may be suffering from social anxiety. If a friend talks about cats all the time, they may have an autism spectrum disorder. If a classmate asks the same questions over and over again, they may have some learning difficulties.
- Check out websites that talk about hidden disabilities. Before being prejudiced against someone, remember that many people struggle with ailments that others cannot see.
Step 4. Go to therapy if necessary
If you believe that your tendency to criticize is because you are feeling unhappy, you may need to seek psychotherapy. For example, disorders such as depression can cause outbursts of anger towards others. Psychotherapy allows you to manage emotions better and be less critical.
- If you feel the need to go to therapy, ask your doctor to refer you to a professional. You can also take advantage of the internet to find one.
- If you are studying at a university, ask your university if it offers a psychological counseling service to students.
