Although Western society has seen radical changes in recent years and values have undergone a real revolution, marriage continues to be an institution. The fact that people continue to marry despite the doubts and fears that precede the big step is proof of this. It is normal to be afraid of getting married: it is an important decision that will affect the rest of your life. Thinking about it will help you do it at the right time, with the right person and in the right place. Rationally evaluating the possibility of getting married will also help you manage the decision better. If you can't pinpoint the source of your fear, techniques that are generally used to overcome phobias can come to your rescue.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Understanding the Reason behind the Fear
Step 1. Think back to your old failed relationships
How or why did they end? Consider the mistakes you made to make them falter, or if the failure was mainly influenced by the other person. Maybe you weren't willing to compromise or sacrifice yourself. Try to make changes in your current relationship to become a more present and loving partner, but also to understand what you should give up in order for it to work.
- For example, if you lost someone because you weren't emotionally present, try to spend less time in the office and more time at home.
- If your partner doesn't make the same mistakes that caused previous relationships to end, this should be comforting.
Step 2. Assess if your partner is truly "the one"
Knowing if you have found the right person has a lot to do with the esteem and respect you have for them. Consider seriously whether you will continue to respect it despite the inevitable future changes. Knowing his aspirations can help you a lot in determining that.
- Why could you stop respecting your partner? You may not be able to be with a person who tends to push his elbow too high, who has holes in his hands, or who treats his friends badly. Are you already having problems with your partner for these reasons?
- Think about the development and evolution of your relationship. How has your partner dealt with conflicts or other problems so far? Can his behavior give you any indication of the respect he has towards you, his flexibility and his ability to come to terms (in the past, present and future)?
Step 3. Think about your long-term commitments
Will the career path you have chosen develop in the future? Are you paying for the car in installments? Do you own a home, pay monthly rent or have a contract for more than one year? Being agitated by the obligation to make a whole series of lasting commitments is a very common reaction among those who are afraid of getting married. If you want to get married, you should make other long-term commitments (such as those mentioned earlier) to get used to the idea.
Step 4. Consider your current degree of commitment
There are two types of commitment: dedication and compulsion. If your commitment is based on dedication, this means that you imagine growing old with your partner, working together with her (as a team) and you can't see yourself with anyone else. If your commitment is driven by obligations, it means that you feel compelled to be with this person due to internal or external pressures (children, property sharing, family, or a sense of imposition); Sometimes you think about what it would be like to end the relationship, but you find it too difficult, you seem to have come too far to end it or you fear that you will not be able to rebuild your life.
- Remember that all relationships acquire obligations over time. Consider the possibility that these limits become much heavier than your willingness to dedicate yourself to the relationship.
- If it seems to you that obligations have increased, but your personal dedication has decreased, consider whether it is possible to ease this sense of constriction and improve your attachment instead.
Step 5. Learn to cultivate greater commitment
While you may feel completely dedicated to the relationship, you may be wondering how to maintain this attachment for the long term or fear it will fade away. You may even think that your desire to commit has begun to wane. You can take several actions to be more dedicated to your partner.
- Invest in the relationship. Remember that difficult times are fleeting. Make a commitment to struggle with your partner (there will inevitably be some) to strengthen the bond. Soon the clear will return.
- Remember that a relationship is not a race. Maybe you think you are doing more than your partner and putting more effort into her for the sake of the relationship. The problem is that you don't know exactly what she is doing during the day, you are only aware of your efforts. Instead of competing with who you love the most, focus on the positive actions your partner takes and think about how you can make her happy.
- Take risks. Don't repress your emotions because you fear it won't work. Trying to protect yourself in this way would only damage the relationship, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Start with the idea that everything will be fine, be open and honest with your partner, and work hard to strengthen the relationship.
Step 6. Think about other fears
Your fears may be more specific and prevent you from wanting to talk to your partner about them, but you still need to be able to open up and communicate openly with her.
- If you are afraid of losing your individuality or of changing, remember that everyone is constantly evolving. While remaining single, the earth will continue to turn. Plus, you won't completely lose your freedom or autonomy with marriage.
- If you are afraid that sooner or later you will divorce, think rationally about the stigma associated with divorce. Do you think it is justified? If you are still worried, however, remember that your future is not defined by statistics on marriages and divorces. If you work hard, you can continue to have a happy marriage.
Part 2 of 4: Coping with the Fear of Seriously Committing
Step 1. Try to understand the origin of this phobia
Being afraid of making a commitment isn't like being afraid of snakes or clowns. Often this phobia stems from a lack of trust in others, often caused by bad past experiences.
- If someone you loved or trusted in the past stabbed you in the back, you may not be healed yet.
- This betrayal may have manifested itself in the form of abuse, a clandestine affair, or another devastating action that has betrayed your trust. It was probably a traumatic experience.
- Also, maybe you are afraid of becoming responsible for another person, losing your independence, losing the person you love - all of this relates to the inability to trust.
Step 2. Think about what you would earn if you kept it all inside
Maybe you think that by not opening up to your partner you will protect yourself. But consider why you do it. Consider whether it is more important than being able to have a full, fulfilling relationship with someone who loves you.
Step 3. Learn to build a relationship based on trust
You should know each other, for better or for worse. It is quite common to ignore the less positive characteristics of the other person, such as anger, jealousy, selfishness, the need to feel free or to have power in hand. However, these aspects can be an integral part of his identity (or yours) and every now and then it is possible that they come to the surface. Make a conscious effort to analyze them, discuss them, and be willing to understand your dark side or that of the other person.
- As you try to get to know these characteristics, you and your partner should not base your trust on the idea that you will never get hurt (because sadly it will happen), but on understanding your true identity.
- Instead of promising her that you will always keep your dark side in check, promise her that you will be aware of it and that when you feel hurt you will tell her. You should promise to work together to solve problems and take advantage of them to strengthen the relationship.
Step 4. Talk to a psychologist about your fears
If you are unable to trust because you have suffered a trauma, then you should go to a professional to fix the problem. Going into therapy with the support of a psychotherapist, a self-help group, or a program designed to treat trauma will help you get through this experience.
Part 3 of 4: Relieving Future Anxiety
Step 1. Practice relaxation techniques
If the fear of getting married is causing stress, look for a way to unwind. This can help you come to terms with doubts and fears. When you get worried about marriage, try some ways to cope with anxiety. They will also help you in other areas of your life.
- Try doing yoga or meditating. These disciplines are designed to help you stop ruminating about your anxiety.
- Drink less coffee and alcohol. These substances can affect your mood and brain chemistry. If you feel tense as a violin string from marriage anxiety, cut back on your caffeine and alcohol consumption.
- Get enough sleep and exercise. It is essential to enjoy good mental and physical health, not to mention that it will help you reduce fears and anxieties.
Step 2. Commit your thoughts to a journal
Putting your anxieties on paper forces you to pinpoint your fears about marriage. By the way, it is therapeutic. When writing about your fears, try to think of a solution. Talk about why you want to get married and how your partner can help you achieve your goals.
Step 3. Think about your partner and their way of being
In the diary, talk about the stable and permanent qualities you most admire about her. Think about the struggles and conflicts you have faced in the past and how you have overcome them. Don't let your anxiety or fear make you forget that she is great and that there are many reasons why you want to be with her.
Part 4 of 4: Strengthening the Relationship
Step 1. Share your fears with your partner
It is the perfect opportunity to develop good communication skills, essential for a healthy and lasting relationship. For many people, some of their most important life goals are fulfilled through marriage. While everyone changes their mind about different issues over the course of their life, not everyone imagines themselves in the same place. Talk about children, career, money, and problems that could end the relationship. An opinion expressed aloud is less frightening, so let it out.
Step 2. Accept that imperfections are part of life
Everyone is imperfect: you, your partner and everyone else on the face of the earth. Whether you are married or not, you will face stormy times in life. Moments of unhappiness or hardship are inevitable. Consider whether you will be able to overcome them with a partner by your side.
Strive to nurture a relationship that helps you manage sources of stress and distress. In this way the marriage will also develop a proven defense mechanism
Step 3. Discuss sexual exclusivity with your partner
In the West, happy marriages are usually based on monogamy. Before getting married, you must establish that you will be loyal to each other. It is an awkward but necessary conversation; it might even unite you more.
Step 4. Imagine what you will be like in 10 or 20 years
Plans will change but, in general, do you see yourself married? While a person's dreams evolve over the years, getting an idea of their goals allows them to plan for the future with a better predisposition. There's nothing wrong with not wanting your life to change dramatically, but make sure your partner has similar aspirations.
Step 5. Try to live together
Not all societies accept it, but for many it has been useful in order to understand if coexistence was feasible. It is a way to understand the other person's habits before getting married. Be sure to go through this experiment with the goal of accepting each other. Your partner may have eccentricities that you will notice for the first time and exactly the same thing will happen to her: maybe there are still aspects that you do not know.
Step 6. Talk to your parents
If they are still married, they will almost certainly tell you that they too have had doubts. They will give you tips for overcoming the fear of marriage in light of their experience. You will also get a concrete example of people whose marriage has worked.
Step 7. Consider pre-marital therapy
While it can be difficult to seek professional help before problems arise, it can help you find a compromise. Additionally, a professional will be able to identify red flags to prevent future conflicts.
