If your husband is verbally abusive, the situation is extremely damaging to your mental and emotional health, although the affection you feel for him can also make it quite complicated. Remember that you cannot change his behavior: only he can decide to stop being violent. This is irrational behavior that your actions are unlikely to change, so if you don't decide to change, be willing to leave it to prevent more violence.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: React Different
Step 1. Choose to react differently than usual
You can't change his behavior, but you can prevent your emotions from causing you to fall into depression. If the abusive situation occurs often, you are probably used to feeling guilty right after a verbal attack. Dwell on the intermediate step, which is what you believe happened and why: it is very likely that the reasons for his behavior do not concern you, but are related to his frustration and anger. Focus on him rather than on the sense of failure you feel and try to reason in this way:
- Just think that if he's mad at you for being in the bathroom too long, you shouldn't feel guilty about taking a shower and wearing makeup. Your husband can always use the other bathroom.
- If he has refused to eat what you cooked and called it disgusting, think that it is not your cooking, but that he wants you to feel guilty. Don't go along with it.
- If he told you that you look fat in new clothes, remember that he just wants to make you feel insecure.
Step 2. Examine your emotions
To prepare to interact with your husband, try to understand how you feel and how you can explain your emotions to him. Are they healthy emotions, such as sadness and discouragement, or are they harmful, for example do you feel dissatisfaction with not being up to par, anxiety or hatred towards yourself? Work hard to avoid being overwhelmed by destructive feelings by channeling your feelings towards healthier reactions; at the same time, decide how you intend to express these emotions to your husband. Consider the following issues:
- How do you feel when he makes fun of you and your friends because you like undemanding movies? You shouldn't give him any weight - it's sad that he can't be happy that you have good friends.
- Are you disappointed because he does not want to take part in an excursion with you and at the same time makes you feel guilty about going there without him? You don't have to force yourself to spend another Sunday cooking and cleaning for him: he would still behave badly towards you anyway. You need to stay a little away from its negativity.
- You are up to par with your husband, even if he claims not: the problem is his insecurity and his problems at work.
Step 3. Direct his attention to his words
Since it is he who creates the problem, it is he who must change. It will probably take a lot more than making him think about his words, but it's a starting point. Perhaps, by pointing out that his attitude is out of place, rather than staying silent and accepting verbal violence, you could push him to reflect on his behavior. Continue to direct attention to his words; sometimes it might just be derogatory, other times it might be yelling and insults: in any case its goal is to mortify you and you shouldn't be subjected to anything like that. Here are some phrases you can use:
- “When you make fun of my physical appearance you make me feel bad. Could you avoid doing it? ";
- "When you get angry because the laundry is not ready in time you make me unhappy and anxious: instead of getting angry, could you not help me?";
- "Telling me all the time I'm stupid makes me think I'm stupid, but I'm not, so please stop telling me."
Part 2 of 4: Making Your Voice Heard
Step 1. Confront your husband when he is verbally abusive
Sometimes, to change the discussion it is enough to respond to the aggressive attitude rather than ignore the abuse; however, keep in mind that often it may not be enough to solve the problem. Verbal abuse often follows a script that you can change by responding with some of these phrases:
- "Stop talking to me like that";
- "I want you to write what you told me so that you can keep it and read it later";
- ”I refuse to continue the conversation; we will be able to talk when you are less angry”. Avoid using this phrase if it can make the situation worse.
Step 2. Don't try to reason with him
Verbal abuse is not rational: you will not be able to get to the root of the matter and he will probably refuse to talk about it in any case. Know that this is irrational behavior and don't try to understand why he is addressing you this way. Don't try the couple therapy route - it's not a good idea in the case of an abusive relationship.
Step 3. Set limits
When your husband becomes verbally abusive, explain to him that you have no intention of tolerating his attitude beyond: there is a limit to what you are willing to go through and you have chosen not to accept abusive words anymore. If he continues, it may be appropriate to leave the room, unless this only makes the situation worse. Even turning around to devote yourself to something else could be an alternative to show him that you have decided to set limits. You also need to let him know that you are considering leaving him if he has no intention of changing.
Step 4. Prepare an escape route
Let him know that you have no intention of staying in a harmful relationship, and remember that verbal violence can lead to physical violence. You shouldn't endure any kind of abuse, so be prepared to leave if you think this could become a real possibility. Make a contingency plan in case you need to suddenly escape, considering bringing with you:
- Money set aside, divided from that of your husband;
- A bag with documents (e.g. passport), health card, clothes, medicines, your bank details, legal documents (car ownership certificate, marriage and birth certificate) that you can leave with a colleague or person your husband does not know;
- If you bring your children with you, also take their birth certificates, health cards, vaccination records, clothes, medicines and identity cards.
Part 3 of 4: Seeking Support
Step 1. Create a support network that includes family, friends or co-workers
You need someone to talk to about your situation. Even if you may have the impression that you are the trigger for the violence, you need someone to help you control your reactions and understand that it is not your fault, as the abuse is irrational.
Step 2. Consult a therapist
Verbal violence should not be dealt with alone - it can be of great help to find a good therapist who listens to your story and provides you with alternative methods to manage the situation.
Step 3. Make sure you have somewhere to stay in case you ever leave home
Violent relationships can develop addiction, in the sense that both partners end up having little external contact. It's hard to get out of a relationship if you don't have friends or family to rely on - if that's the case, make an alternative plan. Staying in a hotel for a while could be a possibility; in any case, it is important that you are not forced to stay at home with your husband if the verbal violence becomes excessive.
Part 4 of 4: React Appropriately
Step 1. Don't use his own tactics
As rewarding as it may seem to you to insult your husband in turn, don't do it - lowering yourself to this level won't help your relationship.
Step 2. Realize that you will not be able to change it
If he is willing to ask for help and start a psychotherapy path, there is hope; if he is not willing to cooperate to change his behavior, it is best to prepare to end the relationship, at least for a short time, until you agree on a therapy.
Step 3. You need to know when it's time to leave
The idea of giving him a dry and timely deadline can give satisfaction (saying for example: "If you insult me again, I'll go away forever"), however it is better to think about realistic possibilities. Are you willing to stay while trying to change your behavior? At what point will you give up and walk away? Share your plan with the people who support you, so they can help you if it becomes necessary to put it into practice.
Step 4. Leave at the appointed time
It is usually impossible to fix an abusive relationship. Do not continue to threaten to leave without doing so, but act when your husband oversteps the limits you have set; contact your family and friends to let them know that you have decided to leave and to tell them how to get in touch with you.
- Change your phone number and only communicate it to trusted friends and family, asking them not to disclose it.
- Delete the history of searches you made when planning your departure from any shared computers. If you fear retaliation and outbursts, leave a red herring: search online for information about cities that are a few hours away from where you intend to go and write down the telephone numbers of hotels where you will not actually go.
- Go to a safe place that is planned in advance: a shelter home, the home of someone your husband doesn't know, or a hotel.
- Leave a message to your husband, letting him know that you are gone and how you intend to proceed now (with a restraining order, divorce or otherwise). Leave him the number of a friend or family member through whom he can contact you, but warn him that he will not be able to speak to you directly.
