Relationships are difficult. It is a real challenge to balance two different heads, with different personalities, desires and needs. Even the most close-knit couples find themselves facing difficult times or breakups. However, this type of relationship is usually worth every effort. To fight for a relationship, you need to open a dialogue with your partner, acknowledge the past, and finally accept the other person's identity.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Opening a Dialog
Step 1. If necessary, apologize
A couple goes into crisis when one or both of them feel hurt, whether it's from an argument, a word spoken by mistake or resentments that have been going on for a long time. Some more, some less, everyone faces this type of situation. The important thing is to open a dialogue and apologize for the wrong committed. Apologizing indicates a good disposition towards the other person and the relationship.
- To apologize properly, you need to be sincere, specific, and acknowledge the pain you've caused. If you have compromised trust or respect, accept your responsibilities. This doesn't mean you have to take all the blame, but you have to admit your part.
- Be sincere and specific. Apologize only to be forgiven and repaired, not for other reasons. At the same time, clarify the reason you are apologizing and why you hurt your partner. Example: "I'm sorry I went mad while we were arguing. I understand this hurt and humiliated you. Please forgive me."
- Avoid giving your apology in a subtle way. In reality, you would just show that you are incapable of accepting your responsibilities and you would seem insincere. Example: "I'm sorry if my actions offended you" or "I'm sorry if you took it the wrong way".
- Don't ask for any excuses in return. It's important to forgive each other, but your partner needs time to process her feelings. If you ask her to apologize, it will seem like you are demanding something.
Step 2. Listen to your partner
An apology is only the first step in opening the dialogue. It won't fix things, but it does help break the ice and embark on the healing process. Don't be surprised if she reacts emotionally or interrupts you. Resist the temptation to interrupt and defend yourself, instead try to be patient, be respectful and listen to her.
- Try not to get defensive or insist on telling your side of the story. Your first reaction may be to correct or disprove your partner, but let her talk.
- By being patient, you also allow her to speak out without fear and without reprisals, showing that it is important for you to resolve the disagreement.
- Remember that the purpose of apologizing is to improve the relationship. It is not proving who is right and who is wrong.
Step 3. Leave the door open, but don't insist
Make it clear that you want to save the relationship, but at the same time accept the fact that it takes time. Resist the temptation to chase her, especially if she has distanced herself, otherwise you risk making her drift even further. Give her space and time, but leave the door open for eventual reconciliation.
- Make it clear that you will be willing to speak when and if she is ready. He needs to know that you are open to communicating.
- At the same time, people often want to have physical and emotional space following an argument or after being hurt. Try to recognize and respect this need, not chase it.
Part 2 of 4: Confronting the Past
Step 1. Do therapy alone or as a couple
It does not necessarily solve the situation, but it can help to let off steam and work on problems, as well as having more effective communication as a couple. If the relationship is in crisis, consider couples therapy, but doing it alone can also help.
- If you are having communication difficulties or trust issues, have drifted apart and become simple roommates, or one of you is behaving negatively, ask your partner to accompany you.
- Try to find a specialist who works for both of you. It may take several attempts. When you go to a potential psychotherapist, ask them questions about their qualifications, experience, ability to intervene in your specific case, and success rate.
- A psychotherapist should be considered as a consultant, he does not magically solve problems. He will give you advice, but most of the work is done outside the studio.
- Consider seeing a therapist even if your partner refuses to go.
Step 2. Prepare to examine your past
To fight for a relationship, you have to face problems, not sweep them under the rug, and watch how they get worse. Whether you get help from a therapist or not, be prepared to discuss your relationship issues deeply. It's not easy. It means reopening past wounds, talking about resentments, and expressing your disappointment.
- Be prepared to listen to your partner. The key to moving on is to empathize with and understand the pain of the past.
- Be prepared to express your frustrations, but always tactfully. Resist the temptation to blame or justify past behaviors, instead try to understand the reasons: you may find that they weren't as bad as you thought.
- Think back to why you felt attracted to each other. There was a reason you and your partner got together. Try to reflect on why you loved each other and whether it is possible to rekindle that spark.
Step 3. Learn to express your feelings constructively
Uncovering your emotions helps you understand your motivations and needs, so it is essential to learn to speak and also to express disagreement. You may find it helpful to reevaluate your mutual assumptions and state your needs clearly and openly.
- If you are doing therapy, find out which are the most effective communication strategies together with the psychotherapist.
- Follow some rules to communicate effectively and avoid giving yourself low blows. For example, try not to have an accusatory tone of language. Introduce sentences with "I think …" or "I feel …" rather than saying "You always do …" or "You never do …". Also avoid generalizations.
- Be specific, stick to the facts and your feelings. Talk about the things you need to get from your partner, not what you think she isn't giving you. Example: "I need your support to advance my career, but I don't feel it."
- Alternatively, try saying, "I feel ignored because I want to get more public displays of affection from you and I need it." Don't say, "You ignore me because you never show me affection in public."
- Invite the other person to share their point of view. Do not interrupt her, listen to her and always try to reaffirm or rework what she says to you in your own words.
Part 3 of 4: Accepting the Other Person's Identity
Step 1. Learn to accept your partner
If you really want to fight for your relationship, you need to be willing to accept your partner as a whole, even habits and behaviors that you don't like or that bother you. It's not easy, but it's necessary if you want to save the bond.
- Try to see things from his point of view. For example, you always hated your partner being messy. Try to reverse the situation and put yourself in her shoes: is she really very messy or are you obsessed with order?
- Accept that you have no control over your partner, their origins and their upbringing. If you start to think that his "bad" habits stem from his upbringing or from deep priorities and values, you can ease the tension.
- But keep certain limits. You are under no obligation to accept destructive or abusive behavior.
Step 2. Get rid of the sense of superiority
To save a relationship, you don't have to compromise just with things like habits and behaviors, but also with the feeling of being right in general. Usually this attitude is not fruitful. It can prevent you from changing the way you see your partner and yourself.
- Remember one thing: the fact that one of you is right does not necessarily mean that the other is wrong. The other person's conflicting opinions don't invalidate yours - they're just different.
- For example, your ideas about etiquette (such as behaving, speaking and socializing politely) can be very different from those of your partner. However, one of these views is not necessarily more correct than another. They are simply different.
Step 3. Respect and support your partner's needs
To fight and save a relationship, perhaps the most important thing to do is to cultivate empathy. To be able to accept your partner's opinions and values, you should strive to meet her emotional and physical needs, in the best possible way, without compromising yourself.
- Be open to compromise, as long as your partner's needs don't break your values. For example, your partner is very religious and you are not. Are you willing to support this part of his life?
- Another example: You have argued about showing affection and have come to the conclusion that your partner expresses it differently than you, perhaps through gifts or gestures. Are you willing to learn this "language"? If you try hard, your partner will feel more appreciated.
Part 4 of 4: Reconciling with an Ex
Step 1. Find out if your ex is still interested in you
Sometimes you want to fight over a relationship that is over or about to end. It is quite common. In fact, around 50% of young adults apparently make up after a breakup. Try to look for the right signs to see if they still care.
- Try to be discreet. If you overdo it, your ex may feel bothered, so it's best to keep your distance, at least in the beginning. Don't force any contact and don't ask your friends to investigate for you.
- Try to catch clues from social networks, mutual friends, or your ex herself if you are still in touch. It is possible that the odds are in your favor.
Step 2. Get in touch
If you are still interested and you have reason to believe that she is too, you need to open the dialogue. Try to do it discreetly. For example, send her a short message on Facebook or a short email. Be concise and don't be intrusive, or you risk frightening her.
- Contact her with an apology. For example, say, "I was eating ice cream today and I remembered how much you like it. How are you?" or "I just saw your name on Facebook and thought I'd say hello. Hope you're okay."
- For the next move, orient yourself based on his reaction. If the answer is blunt, for example, "Yes, I hope you're okay too," the prospects for a reconciliation may not be rosy. A warmer response may indicate increased interest.
- If the answer is yes, try to arrange a meeting. For example, invite her to have a chat over coffee or a drink. Make it clear that you only want a short, unassuming meeting.
Step 3. Clarify things
Prepare in advance what you will say and how you will say it. Choose your words carefully, as he probably still has strong feelings towards you, both positive and negative. Tell her what you think: express remorse, apologize if necessary, but tactfully.
- Tell her you're sorry it didn't work out and you want to understand the situation better. Example: "I just wanted to know how you are and talk about what went wrong between us."
- Let yourself be guided by the progress of the discussion. If she is happy and around other people, don't push it, but if she seems to have strong feelings for you, gradually bring the conversation to the theme of reconciliation.
- If you want to try again, take your time. It probably ended for good reasons, problems you need to talk about seriously, perhaps with the help of a psychotherapist.
- If she's not interested in recovering the bond, get ready to move on. At least you will have put your heart in peace.
