How to Find Out What You Want from a Relationship

2024 Author: Samantha Chapman | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 09:13

Knowing exactly what you want from a relationship is very difficult, especially when you are young or inexperienced. Even if you've dated several people, each relationship is unique and your priorities may be different than in the past. Finding out what you are looking for in a relationship can be a laborious process, but one that is worth going through.

Steps

Part 1 of 3: Determine Possible Reasons for Breakup

Step 1. Make a list of non-negotiable points

Sometimes, to better understand what you want in a relationship, it is better to establish what you don't want: the negatives are usually clearer than the positives. Sit down and write down a list of things that can get you out of a potential partner right away. Studies have shown that some of the most common break-up reasons for those interested in a long-term relationship are:

• Having trouble managing anger or having a violent attitude
• Dating more than one person at a time;
• Don't be trustworthy;
• Already having another relationship or being married;
• Having health problems, for example sexually transmitted diseases
• Having an alcohol or drug problem
• Being insensitive;
• Having poor hygiene.

Step 2. Find out which values you don't intend to compromise on

You can think of your personal scale of values as a road map describing the kind of life you want to lead. It is difficult for your partner to share exactly the same values as you, however it is important that you understand what they are so that you know which principles and beliefs you are not going to compromise on.

• For example, if you believe honesty is an important value, you are unlikely to get along with a partner who lies. Likewise, if the other expects you to lie, this will likely create a rift in the relationship.

• Find out what your core values are by answering these questions and paying attention to any recurring themes:

  • If you could change something in the community you live in, what would you change? Because?
  • Who are the two people you most admire and respect? What do you admire about them?
  • If your house was on fire and its inhabitants had already been rescued, which three objects would you choose to save? Because?
  • What episode in your life made you truly satisfied? What happened to make you feel this way?

  

  Step 3. Consider your previous relationship patterns

  Think back to your past relationships (love, platonic or family); Regarding those that ended badly, consider the factors that contributed to their demise. And what about relationships that have left you unsatisfied or unhappy?

  Write down all the negative aspects you remember from your previous relationships (friends, love or family) that have been a source of dissatisfaction with you and consider them as the basis of what you do not want for your future

  

  Step 4. Think about the problems in the relationships of the people around you

  The relationships of others also affect ourselves. You have certainly spent time with friends or family who are engaged in love affairs and, even if outside the relationship, you may have noticed any problems experienced by the people in question.

  • For example, your sister may have been upset after finding out that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and the fact that you helped her get through that difficult time may have made you aware of how important it is to be faithful in a relationship.
  • Pay attention to red flags like this about the relationships of others and that you don't want in your relationships. Learning from the mistakes of others can help you build a more fulfilling relationship in the future.

  Part 2 of 3: Consider Your Needs

  

  Step 1. First, love yourself

  Many people mistakenly look for a partner who completes them, however the latter should only serve to enrich us, as we should already be complete on our own. Feeling complete means having a self-love that does not depend on the fact that others love us. Show love for yourself in these ways:

  • Drawing up a list of your favorite aspects of yourself (for example your kindness or your smile);
  • By talking to you in a kind and loving way, as you would with a friend;
  • By becoming aware of your deepest needs and desires and trying to accommodate them;
  • Taking care of your body;
  • Managing stress;
  • Avoiding brooding on the past and living in the present.

  

  Step 2. Think about the type of relationship you want

  What are your expectations towards your partner and yourself? Try to be as impartial as possible: it will help you decide which people you no longer intend to date and which behavior patterns you want to end, so you can understand what type of relationship you are really interested in.

  For example, even if you think it's time to marry, you may know inside that you are not ready for this step. Conversely, maybe you just think you want to have fun without commitment, but have learned from your past relationships that you happen to get too emotionally involved

  

  Step 3. Transform the list of possible reasons for disruption into the most important aspects to look for

  Review your list of non-negotiable points: by knowing what you don't want, you can find out what you want. Turn this list into a number of positives you want to find in a relationship.

  • For example, if a possible reason for the breakup involved people who have drug or alcohol addictions, you could turn it into "physical and mental health concern". You know you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who abuses these substances, so you will be looking for someone who prioritizes health.
  • Add other positive qualities as you think about it. Be completely honest with yourself: if being attractive is an important point for you, write it down, but try to focus on qualities that have nothing to do with physical appearance, such as intelligence, patience and empathy. You should also consider issues such as religion and politics, which may or may not be particularly important to you: do not leave out anything, no matter how embarrassing or trivial you seem.

  

  Step 4. Be the person you would like to date

  One way to optimize the process of finding the ideal partner is to embody the qualities you seek yourself. This will allow you to check if your expectations are realistic and will give you the opportunity to evaluate what you are willing to give within a relationship. It is unreasonable to have a list of requests without being willing to make any changes to yourself; furthermore, embodying the qualities you desire in others yourself will make you attractive to people like you.

  • For example, if physical health and well-being are important things you look for in a partner, strive to spend a month sincerely focusing on your own health, eating healthily, exercising, fighting stress, and getting enough sleep. Try to maintain these good habits even after the month is over.
  • Let's imagine that you have listed “being rich” among the desirable characteristics: if you yourself have difficulty getting rich overnight, you could redefine this quality as “being financially stable”.

  Part 3 of 3: Dating Someone Without Commitment

  

  Step 1. Date someone without obligation

  You can make lists and rethink your past relationships for signs, but the best way to understand what you want in a relationship is to occasionally date someone. Go grab a coffee, ice cream, or drink with someone who seems to meet your standards.

  • Before embarking on this adventure, be aware of your limitations: for example, it may not be the case to enter into physical intimacy with several people at the same time.
  • It also makes sense to let the other know right away that you are looking for a non-committed relationship, so as not to hurt their feelings. Set a time limit within which to stop dating if you don't feel a natural connection. If it seems to you that the relationship becomes serious for the other person or you start to feel more attraction towards one person than others, cut the bonds with them and follow your instincts.

  

  Step 2. Evaluate compatibility with different suitors

  As you hang out with some people without commitment, consider how well they mirror your values, dreams, and goals, making sure none of them embody any negative aspects of your list. As you get to know the person in question, don't forget your needs and wants.

  At this point you may feel a stronger bond or greater alignment with one person rather than the others. If so, it is time to cut ties with other potential partners to strengthen the relationship with the person in question and remain faithful to them

  

  Step 3. Visualize the relationship beyond the falling in love phase

  Any short-term relationship begins with a phase in which the partner is seen through pink lenses. Whatever the other says or does is fascinating, but over time the aura of perfection begins to fade. Be prepared for this and start looking beyond the falling in love phase, trying to imagine what things will be like over the next few months or years.

  • You have to consider whether what bothers you about your partner, but which now seems insignificant to you, can become magnified once the falling in love phase is over. Go back to your list and make sure you haven't left out any notable values or characteristics because you lost your mind for that person.
  • For example, if cleanliness was important to you in the beginning, are you sure you'll be able to ignore the fact that your girlfriend piles up dishes in the sink for days on end?
  • Before you want to break up with the person at the slightest rudeness, remember that there are bound to be some characteristics of your partner that you don't like - just make sure you don't neglect your core values.

  

  Step 4. Communicate with your partner

  If you discover some compatibility, as you share the same values, goals, interests and views on life, it may be time to honestly discuss the type of relationship you want to have. When you are sure that the person in question embodies what you are looking for in a relationship, it is time to make sure that the other person feels the same about you.

  • Be honest about what you feel. If your partner isn't interested in a long-term relationship, it's best to know from the start. Don't make the mistake of believing you can change it sooner or later.
  • Ask him to find a quiet time to talk and tell him what you feel about your relationship. You could tell him that you enjoyed meeting him over the past few months and would like to know what he thinks about the connection you have and where he would like to take your relationship. It is important to know if your partner intends to be in a long-term relationship and is in favor of not dating anyone else.