The loss of someone or something is one of the most difficult and destabilizing experiences of our existence. Whether it's the death of a loved one, the end of an important relationship, a radical change in your life, the death of an animal, pain is inevitable. The grieving process is emotionally exhausting, but if you learn to accept the experience of pain and know how to help yourself to find inner peace, you will be able to overcome this terribly difficult period of your life.
Steps
Part 1 of 6: Understanding Personal Pain
Step 1. Know that each of us reacts differently to bereavement
No one else suffers exactly like you. If you feel that you react differently than others, remember that this is perfectly normal. Let yourself go to your emotions and accept your experience in its singularity. There is no single loss, so there is also no common reaction to all losses.
Sudden bereavement, due to an accident or to acts of crime, can cause a stronger sense of loss (at least immediately) than a foreseeable bereavement, due for example to a terminal illness
Step 2. There are many types of losses
Death is a loss that all of us must necessarily face at some point in our life, but it is not the only one. You can grieve over the breakup of a relationship or the loss of your beloved puppy. You may also suffer the moment you realize that the dream you cherished so much will never come true. Everyone has the right to suffer, regardless of the reason. Don't be afraid to cry. Your emotions are a completely natural reaction.
- There are many losses you may face in your life. None of these are "bigger" than the other. You have certain emotions and it is natural.
- Other losses that could cause pain are moving house, health problems, the end of a friendship, job change, relocation or economic instability. If you feel pain from such an event, know that your reaction is normal.
Step 3. There are no 'stages' of mourning
Bereavement is a personal experience, so this article simply offers general information to help you overcome traumatic events. Don't think you have to go through particular stages. This would prevent you from suffering as you should.
In 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed the famous model of the "five phases" of the elaboration of mourning. They are denial or rejection, anger, bargaining or plea bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. However, these phases were used to understand the most frequent mental dynamics in an individual who had been diagnosed with an incurable disease and do not represent a theoretical model for any kind of pain or loss. Considering them as universal stages of grief or pain is an understatement
Step 4. There is a clear distinction between grieving and grieving
Grief is the immediate and natural response to any loss. It includes all your emotions and thoughts following a loss. You cannot control the intensity of the pain. Mourning is a longer process that involves the explicit manifestation of pain and an individual's adaptation to the stress caused by a significant loss.
- Many cultures and religions offer guidance on how to deal with grief. The mourning process takes place through a gradual process aimed at acquiring awareness of the loss.
- This path is characterized by fluctuating moments, in which periods of calm and well-being can alternate with difficult and painful moments as awareness of the loss increases.
- The timing of the grieving process cannot be defined and established a priori. Your bereavement could last for weeks or months and the entire grieving process could take many years and even a lifetime.
Step 5. J
William Worden has come up with a model in which he describes four “bereavement tasks,” that is, four actions we must take to complete the grieving process. They are distinguished from the "phases" of grieving because they must be carried out simultaneously and could take many years. These tasks are:
- Accept the reality of the loss. You must learn to overcome the normal tendency to deny the event of death, both on a cognitive and emotional level. This task may take a long time.
- Process the pain of bereavement. Pain in response to loss is a natural emotional reaction. With the passage of time it decreases, but its duration depends on subjective factors.
- Adapt to a context in which your relative is no longer present. The adaptation can take place at various levels: externally, filling the void left by the deceased, internally, through the acceptance of new roles and responsibilities, and spiritually, through a personal psychological journey.
- Finding a lasting connection with the deceased loved one as we move forward in our lives. In other words, we must keep the memory of the loved one alive and at the same time start to live new experiences.
Part 2 of 6: Recognizing the Pain Symptoms
Step 1. The way each of us cope with the pain of grief is very personal
There are some common symptoms, but each bereavement represents a unique and subjective experience. Embrace your pain, but at the same time try to understand that others may manifest it differently.
The expression of pain not only exhibits extreme variability from person to person, but also differs according to culture and traditions
Step 2. Some somatic symptoms typical of bereavement include:
- Sleep disorders;
- Eating disorders (loss of appetite or increased appetite);
- Cry;
- Headache and muscle aches;
- Weakness or tiredness
- Feeling of heaviness;
- Ache;
- Stress-related symptoms, such as nausea, rapid heartbeat, or insomnia
- Weight loss or weight gain.
Step 3. Try to identify the symptoms of bereavement on an emotional level
Pain is very complex and very personal. Many or only some of these symptoms may occur. Sometimes you may feel overwhelmed with emotions, while other times you may feel a feeling of lightheadedness. These are all natural reactions to pain. Symptoms on an emotional level include:
- State of shock or disbelief;
- Sadness and a feeling of emptiness;
- Loneliness or isolation;
- Sense of guilt or regret
- Anger;
- Fear or worry
- Panic attacks;
- Frustration;
- Anxiety;
- Depression;
- Doubting one's religious or spiritual beliefs.
- Positive emotions are also common, such as the feeling of relief when a loved one dies after a long illness. Such feelings could trigger a sense of guilt, because you might be ashamed of it, but these too are an integral part of the grief experience.
Step 4. Learn to recognize the signs of pain in children
Especially the little ones can send out precise signals, but also manifest pain in ways that are less familiar to adults, as they are not always able to communicate their feelings through words. These signs include:
- Emotional shock. The child may seem less communicative than usual and refuse to talk about his pain.
- Regressive or immature attitudes. The child may regress to an earlier stage of development and feel the need to be lulled, be assaulted by separation anxiety, be afraid to go to school, suck thumb, pee in bed, ask to sleep with parents, or not being able to complete tasks or activities that he normally performed without problems.
- Aggressive or otherwise unconventional behavior. The child may misbehave or have sudden emotional reactions that usually manifest as fits of anger, frustration, confusion, or helplessness. Such behavior could be indicative of his desperate attempt to take control of the situation.
- Repeat the questions. The child may ask the same questions over and over, even if he always gets the same answers. This could indicate that he is unable to understand or accept the reality of the facts.
- Assumption of defensive modalities. This attitude, common in school-age children as well as adolescents, is the means by which the child can express his discomfort and avoid suffering. He may immerse himself in studying, playing games, or other activities. He may even hide his feelings from his parents or other adults, while managing to externalize his pain to his peers.
- Physical symptoms. Pain and anxiety often somatize, particularly in young children. Headaches and abdominal pains are common, but sleep disturbances and loss of appetite may also occur.
Step 5. Try to recognize the signs of "complicated grief"
Sometimes bereavement has negative effects on physical and psychological health, strongly affecting the quality of life. Although grieving as a whole is complex, "complicated grieving" is a prolongation of the normal grieving process and occurs when the normal manifestations of grieving become acute and chronic. If so, see a therapist who can help you process the pain. The signs of complicated bereavement include:
- Almost absolute concentration on the loss suffered;
- Persistent and intrusive thoughts about the deceased;
- Prolonged rejection of the loss;
- Feeling that life has no meaning or purpose;
- Lack of trust in others
- Inability to think about positive experiences
- Excessive irritability or agitation.
Part 3 of 6: Mourning the Healthy Way
Step 1. Embrace your emotions
To begin the healing process, you must first accept your emotions. If you don't put them out, you will be even more miserable, although outwardly it may seem like you are fine. Instead of pretending to be fine, indulge in all the emotions associated with a major loss - sadness, anger, guilt, fear. Eventually you will be able to make sense of what happened.
Give yourself some time to simply be yourself. Although you have to act in a certain way in the presence of others, every day let yourself go to your emotions, simply by starting to cry or to reflect. Do it in an intimate place where you can truly feel free
Step 2. Express your feelings through a tangible medium
The choice of mode is up to you, but it's important to transfer your emotions into something concrete that you can see and touch. This way you will make sense of your negative experience and be able to accomplish something productive.
- You could create a souvenir album with photos of the extinct person, write a diary, paint a picture or make a sculpture that expresses your feelings, or do another activity, such as volunteering at the organization where the extinct person was particularly tied.
- Personal rituals can also help you process your grief. Although we are used to public rituals such as funerals or sitting shiva, it has been widely demonstrated that practicing a personal ritual is just as important in expressing and processing pain. You may rediscover that by recalling a memory of your loved one, such as their favorite song, you are able to connect with the deceased and create a new way of communicating.
- Manual activities, such as writing down your feelings and then tearing or burning the paper, may be helpful. Focus on those things that you think will allow you to express pain constructively.
Step 3. The pain belongs to you
No one can know exactly how you feel or how you feel, because everyone processes his grief in a personal way. If someone tells you that you "should" feel one way rather than another, don't let that influence you. Just know that someone is trying to help you, so don't stifle your emotions.
- Crying is a great example. Many people find that crying is the best way to express pain and that you should eventually stop crying. When you feel the need, cry. You will be able to relieve tension and feel better physically.
- However, it is important to remember that some people do not show their pain through tears. It is also essential to say that there is no right time to cry. You may cry for many years after the loss and this is also perfectly normal.
- Even trying to force yourself to feel a certain way, because you think you should adjust to patterns, is useless. Indulge in your emotions, even if they are not what you expected or fear the judgment of others.
Step 4. Don't neglect your physical health
Although we often think that grief is only about the emotional sphere, pain can also cause physical changes. Lack of appetite, insomnia and lowering of the immune defenses are all physical reactions to pain. To combat these effects, remember to eat healthily (even if you are not hungry), exercise and get enough sleep. When we take care of our body, we improve our emotional and psychological state.
- Try to eat a healthy, balanced diet of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and low-fat proteins. Taking vitamins B12 and D, selenium and omega 3 fatty acids can help you relieve the feeling of anxiety and sadness.
- Avoid processed and high-sugar foods, as they contribute to an increased risk of depression. Also avoid excessive consumption of caffeine which tends to worsen the symptoms of anxiety and depression.
- Get at least 30 minutes of moderate physical activity every day. Numerous studies have shown that exercise helps relieve the symptoms of anxiety and depression.
- Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Visualization and meditation techniques can help you fight insomnia.
Step 5. Avoid using drugs or alcohol to try to cope with your grief
Abusing substances, including food, to overcome suffering is a fairly common behavior, but it is important to avoid it.
- Excessive alcohol consumption is a slightly more common reaction to suffering in men than in women. Alcohol is a tranquilizer that can cause symptoms of depression and anxiety. It also interferes with REM sleep and can affect your judgment and mood.
- The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recommends limiting the amount of alcohol to one glass of wine (120ml) per day for women and two for men. If you think you have alcoholism problems you can go to a specialized center.
- Your doctor may prescribe medications to address the symptoms of distress, such as depression. Stick to the recommended dosage, avoid drugs and other narcotic substances, because they worsen the state of anxiety and could compromise your judgment.
- Experiences of grief and trauma could trigger eating disorders in some people. If you feel unable to control your eating behaviors, or want to control them excessively, see a psychotherapist.
Step 6. Do your favorite activities
A good way to cheer yourself up is to do what you like and keep busy. When you put your energy into a project that you are passionate about, such as art or hiking, the level of serotonin, the good mood hormone, increases. Also, you can distract yourself and channel your energies into something other than pain.
You could also consider the idea of cultivating a passion that was particularly close to the heart of the extinct person, if you think it can help you, rather than causing you pain. This may make you feel closer to your loved one. However, if dedicating yourself to this activity only arouses sadness, try something else
Step 7. Be prepared for some situations that may bring your grief back, such as holidays, birthdays, and other important events
Some places and objects, such as a particular flower, can also cause pain. All of this is normal, but it's important to develop coping strategies, such as making changes to your routine, or always having an excuse ready to avoid a certain place. For instance:
- If you recently lost a child and seeing other children with their parents at the grocery store causes you pain, go to the grocery store at times of the day when there are less likely to be children.
- If you are planning a vacation with your family and recently lost a loved one, ask them to help you find a way to pay homage to the deceased person.
- Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship with your loved one. It is important to recognize the feelings of pain that may arise as a result of a particular situation. Try to understand that you suffer because you had a special connection with the deceased person and then think of something cheerful.
- For example, you may be overwhelmed by suffering every time you smell apple pie because you and your grandmother always prepared it when you went to visit her. Accept your pain and then consider a way to pay homage to her, such as baking a cake on her own or reading her favorite cookbook.
Step 8. Spoil yourself
This could mean soaking in a scented bath at least once a week or going to the gym to work out. It is important that you take the time to do activities that help you relax.
Yoga and meditation are both excellent ways to pamper mind, body and spirit at the same time. Let yourself go and let all negative energies flow from your heart
Part 4 of 6: Asking for Help
Step 1. Get help from family and friends
It is important to have people you can count on next to you. Although you want to be independent, now is the time to let others take care of you. Many times loved ones will want to help you but won't know how, so let them know what you need - be it a shoulder to cry on, a friend to go to the movies with, or help planning a funeral.
- Let your loved ones, colleagues and friends know what happened if you feel comfortable. Warning them about your situation will help them understand why you cry in the middle of the day (which is understandable!).
- Talking with family and friends could help you understand the complications of bereavement based on your cultural and religious background.
Step 2. Join a support group
Sometimes sharing one's loss with those who have gone through the same experience can have therapeutic effects. You may feel lonely, even when friends and family are around you, so surrounding yourself with people who understand your loss may make you feel less alone.
- You can search for bereavement support groups online or by looking at the advertisements posted on the message boards in your city.
- If you are a believer, you may also want to inquire about whether your church has self-help groups at the service of the faithful.
Step 3. Talk to a therapist
If you think you cannot cope with the experience of bereavement alone, contact a specialist in bereavement processing who will be able to help you overcome the negative emotions you are experiencing.
We must dispel the widespread belief that psychological support is not necessary when one has the support of family and friends. A specialist doctor, through cognitive-behavioral therapy, is able to help you identify the most effective coping strategies to process your bereavement. Consulting a psychotherapist does not mean not enjoying the necessary support in the family environment, but rather seeking all kinds of necessary help, giving proof of your courage
Step 4. Seek refuge in what you believe in
This could mean finding comfort in faith, spending more time in nature, or surrounding yourself with the things you love. If you are a believer, try to take comfort from the funeral rites that your religion prescribes. Meditation and prayer could also help you regain inner peace. If you are not a believer, but you manage to cheer yourself up by walking in the woods or sitting on the beach, do not preclude yourself from these opportunities. Maybe you believe in family value. You draw the strength to move forward from the beautiful things you believe in or from love.
Part 5 of 6: Incorporating the Loss into Your Life
Step 1. Engage in the social
Some people find that by serving their community following a bereavement, they are able to establish a stronger bond with others. It is possible that by dedicating yourself to an important project for the extinct person, you will be able to pay homage to them (even if you have lost your puppy). Or you could commemorate your deceased by donating a sum of money to a particularly important association.
Helping others can make you feel better physically. Some research has shown a close relationship between charities and an increase in oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates the feeling of well-being
Step 2. Indulge in the memory of the extinct person
Some people may think that after a certain period of time the deceased person should be forgotten, but this is not true. You may continue to remember your loved one (and it probably will) for many years after their disappearance. Don't stifle the memories.
- Try to focus on the positives that have characterized your relationship. Sadness will likely resurface, but you will also be able to derive joy and pleasure by remembering what made the extinct person so special in your eyes.
- Don't think that you should avoid the memories and objects of your loved one. Keeping a souvenir or photo of him could be healthy and useful.
Step 3. Recognize that the loss made you different
"Overcoming" bereavement is a common goal, but grieving is more complicated. Loss changes you and it is important to be aware of it. You don't "get over" the mourning, but you can continue to live in a way that pays homage to the deceased and your future.
Part 6 of 6: Understanding the Common Experiences of Mourning
Step 1. Accept that you are upset
When you learn the news of a loved one's passing, you can go into shock - your mind and body freeze in an attempt to avoid being completely overwhelmed. You may be incredulous in the face of death. This is normal.
Step 2. Accept the rejection
Rejection is the way in which the body and mind often react to the shock of a loss and allows us not to be attacked by all the emotions and physical reactions caused by a devastating experience. You may find it hard to believe that your loved one has disappeared, but slowly you will find yourself accepting the reality of the facts.
If you keep repeating to yourself "This can't happen to me," you are experiencing rejection. Slowly you will be able to come to terms with what has happened and pass this ordeal
Step 3. Know that you may be angry with your God, with doctors, and even with yourself, because you believe you have not done enough to avoid loss
Anger is an easily recognizable emotion and is easier to control than other emotions. It can be directed towards a particular person, event or object. It is important to recognize that anger stems from grief and that you are channeling the pain into something more tangible.
You may also feel guilty, particularly when you acknowledge that you are angry with someone who has no responsibility for what happened. You may also be angry because you feel guilty. Just know that these feelings will subside as you process your grief
Step 4. Know that at some point you may find yourself faced with strange mechanisms of thought, starting to think about what would have happened if the facts had turned out differently and what you would be willing to do to change the course of events
You may find yourself thinking, "I would never fight with my husband again if he just came back to me." If so, confront someone, get distracted, or just remember that you did everything in your power.
Step 5. Allow yourself to be very sad
You may find yourself crying all the time or reflecting on what happened often. You may feel empty or depressed. As with any other emotion, sadness will also subside, although it is natural to remember the extinct person and feel sad, even after many years.
Mourning is different from complicated grief or clinical depression. Even during the grieving process, you will be able to smile and cheer up, even if only for a moment. You will continue to live your life, despite your suffering. If you are clinically depressed or are experiencing complicated grief, you will not be able to derive the slightest joy from anything, even after some time. You will not be able to accept the loss and carry out normal daily activities and therefore you will feel desperate. If you reflect these last characteristics, consult a psychotherapist
Step 6. Look for acceptance within yourself
Acceptance does not mean being 'happy' for what happened, but simply accepting the situation. You will go on and enjoy your life, even knowing that you no longer have the person or thing you loved next to you. You will start making plans, looking to the future and rediscovering the sense of inner peace.
