It can be very difficult to be in a relationship with a spouse who controls you. Often manages everything down to the smallest detail, criticizes and limits your space. Depending on the severity and frequency of his behavior, you can collaborate with him to improve the marriage or resort to couples therapy. If her behavior is quite severe or, despite therapy, she doesn't make any progress, you may want to consider ending your relationship in order to regain your independence.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Dealing with Less Important Situations in Which Controlling Behavior Occurs
Step 1. Stay calm
It is common for many people to argue when a spouse engages in controlling behavior. Unfortunately, a person with such a personality does not tend to submit and give it to the other side, so this tactic only risks escalating the situation. So instead of arguing, keep calm and don't get upset. You can express your disagreement without yelling or disrespecting.
- If you feel you need to express a different opinion, try to answer this way: "I understand your point of view, but have you considered this aspect?" instead of "It's wrong. I'm right!".
- In some cases, you may be convinced that it is better to agree, but you can do it without submitting to your partner's controlling attitude. For example, you can make a decision of your own while also evaluating their opinion.
Step 2. Ask him to develop a plan
In some cases, you can use his tendency to control to find a remedy for less complicated situations that arise in your relationship. Explain what the problem is and tease his desire for control by asking him to come up with a plan to solve it.
- Be very specific when describing the problem to your spouse. For example, instead of saying, "You're too nagging," consider, "I feel like you want to handle everything I do down to the smallest detail and don't trust me when I'm acting on my own."
- This strategy probably won't work if it refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem.
Step 3. Put yourself in his shoes
When they make a request or try to control you, you might want to try to see things from their point of view. Take a moment to consider why he acts the way and try to be understanding. By doing this, you will avoid getting nervous every time he shows his delusions of control.
This way, you will come to understand his behavior and, perhaps, you will be able to gloss over small incidents, but you should never use this attitude to justify disrespect
Step 4. Ask constructive questions
If your spouse begins to criticize or question you, you can take the lead in the discussion by replying with the right questions. Word them in a way that reveals how unreasonable their claims are or how unacceptable their behavior is. For example, you might say, "Can you tell me exactly how I was supposed to act?" or "I think I'll leave if you don't start treating me with respect. Is that what you want?"
Avoid getting defensive, or you will only fuel his controlling behavior
Part 2 of 3: Correcting Recurring Patterns of Behavior
Step 1. Prepare for an attitude of rejection
Often a controlling personality does not know that it is. In fact, she often believes she is dominated, which may explain why she feels the need to be overly assertive. If you have married a person who is used to dominating, you will most likely have to convince them of their domineering ways, which can cost you some time.
- Try to talk to her with respect. If you intend to save your marriage, don't attack her on a character level. Instead, focus on the gestures or situations that are troubling you.
- Give many examples to explain what you mean by "control".
Step 2. Set limits
When you talk to your spouse about their controlling behavior, you need to make it clear what you are willing to tolerate. Tell him in as much detail as possible what kind of attitude he should correct.
- You might want to list the biggest problems and think with him about what you can do to prevent the same problems from re-emerging in the future.
- There is a possibility that the other person will also view you the same way, so be open to listening to the limitations they may put forward.
Step 3. Establish the Consequences
Your spouse probably needs to remember the agreed limits from time to time, so it wouldn't be a bad idea to decide which behaviors have consequences and what those consequences will be. These rules should only be applied when the most serious errors cannot be handled otherwise.
- If he has a little disrespect towards you, you can simply remind him of your limitations.
- Do not overdo it. Punishing or denying affection in the face of a minor mistake is the typical reaction of the controlling personality!
- The consequences can be quite severe. For example, you might decide to leave home if your spouse doesn't make a commitment to treat you with respect the following month.
Step 4. Resort to therapy
If the other person is unwilling to acknowledge their dominant attitude or if you are unable to solve your problems on your own, consider consulting a mental health professional. He could explain what controlling behavior is and how to stop engaging in it.
- Couples therapy is recommended as it will give you the opportunity to talk about your problems under the guidance of a professional who specializes in marriage counseling.
- Your partner could also benefit from individual therapy: it would help him discover the reasons for his dominant behavior, such as lack of self-esteem or having lived a traumatic childhood.
Part 3 of 3: Take Back Control of Your Life
Step 1. Don't isolate yourself
Many times those with a controlling personality tend to isolate their partner by dominating their time or forbidding them to go out with their friends. If you find yourself in such a situation, you need to defend yourself and make it clear that you are not going to ruin your relationships with other people.
- You too have every right to spend time on your own, so tell him you need your space to pursue your hobbies or just to be alone. If you encourage him to follow a passion, this speech will be easier.
- However, if you are looking to improve your marriage, you should spend some time with him. Spend these moments doing something fun.
Step 2. Avoid introjecting criticism
If he repeatedly demoralizes you, you may begin to believe that you were wrong to deserve his criticism. Never forget that you deserve the best and that to act in the best way you don't have to take criticism personally.
If you internalize the criticism you receive, you may begin to question your abilities. If this happens to you, remember the goals you once wanted to achieve and clear out any negative thoughts your spouse may have put into your head about what you can do. By taking small steps to achieve your goals, you will be able to free yourself from its control
Step 3. Don't feel guilty or indebted
Many times, the controlling personality uses guilt to dominate the partner. If you find yourself in this situation, consider this as another tactic to control yourself and not let it influence your decisions.
- In some cases, someone with a controlling personality leads their partner to feel guilty by saying they can't go on without them or even threatening to harm themselves.
- In other cases, it generates a sense of guilt by making the other person feel obliged to return their hospitality and love.
Step 4. Stay true to your beliefs
Often, those who tend to dominate the partner impose a certain way of thinking or certain values to be respected. If what you think and believe is different from your spouse's ideas, you need to defend your freedom of opinion.
- If you practice a religion other than that of your partner, maintain your independence by continuing to follow the precepts and rites of your faith alone or with your family.
- If your political views differ from those of your spouse, keep voting based on your beliefs.
Step 5. Be willing to walk away from an unfulfilling relationship
In some cases, it is possible to correct a controlling behavior by giving birth to mutual respect in its place, but we must recognize that it does not always happen. Often, those with this personality cannot change, so you need to consider ending the relationship if it ruins your life.
