Coping with your spouse's infidelity can be one of the hardest things to do. There is no right answer when it comes to making a decision regarding the future of the couple. All you can do is communicate with him, listen to yourself, and decide if your relationship is worth saving. If you choose to carry it on, then you will have to go through things a little at a time, remembering to take care of yourself.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Know What to Avoid
Step 1. Don't feel guilty
The reasons why your partner is cheating on you aren't always clear, and in these cases, you may think it's entirely natural to blame yourself. You may think that you have strayed from him or that you have not been so careful in the bedroom. Maybe you let work take over, causing you to neglect your relationship. However, these may be some signs that the relationship should improve, but you need to know that you are not the cause of his infidelity and you should never blame yourself for his mistakes.
- Of course, you have your share of responsibility if the relationship is in crisis, and it's important to acknowledge that. However, you should never, ever think that some mistake on your part could justify his betrayal.
- If you blame yourself, you automatically release the other party's responsibility. Therefore, it is important to take into account the behavior of your partner as well.
Step 2. Don't obsess over the thought of the third person
If you intend to go crazy as fast as possible, then you can ask millions of questions about the other person, spend hours viewing their Facebook profile, or even try to meet them up close. You may think that knowing all about her can help you figure out what was wrong with your relationship, but in reality, by doing so, you will not only get no response, but will add more pain.
- When a spouse is in another relationship, the third person is rarely involved. Unless you think you have a really meaningful bond with someone else, more often than not it's just an expression of dissatisfaction with yourself or within the marriage. If you focus too much on the third person, then you won't be able to think about your partner and your relationship.
- While knowing something about cheating may be comforting to you, it is not helpful to worry so much about the person he cheated on you with, what they are like physically, their job, or other details that may upset or demean you. It's not worth it.
Step 3. Don't try to rationalize the situation
While it is easy to think that you will be able to move on, it is useless to try to make sense of what does not have it by finding an explanation for the betrayal - thinking, for example, that your husband has been feeling useless and unmotivated since he lost his job. or that the other man was able to seduce your wife so much that she couldn't resist him. Accept the pain you feel and find a way to move on, but don't believe you can make it by justifying your partner.
What went through your partner's mind when he cheated on you can go against all logic. Don't waste too much time looking for a valid reason why it happened, but work hard to keep going
Step 4. Don't tell the whole world
Surely you will feel deeply hurt and incredibly angry, you will want to tell all your family and closest friends and you will even be tempted to spread on some social network what he has done to express the pain you feel. However, keep in mind that the consideration of your relationship by others will never be the same if there is even one chance to reconcile and make things work. Instead of telling all your acquaintances, tell what happened only to those close to you and who you think can really help you in this situation.
- If you tell everyone about it, you may feel a sense of relief at first, but later on you risk experiencing more pain and regret. You will probably not realize that you are not yet ready to receive advice and opinions from others.
- Be cautious if you decide to tell your friends about your partner's infidelity and if you are not sure what you intend to do. If they think you absolutely have to leave him, then they could tell you thousands of things they didn't like about him, and that certainly won't make you feel better, but it will bring you further discomfort if you decide to save the relationship.
Step 5. Don't get obsessed with thinking about what friends and family think
Besides not telling everyone what happened, you don't have to worry about what others think about the whole affair. While those around you can give you useful advice, in the end it is up to you to know what is best to do, without asking yourself what others will think if you decide to separate or continue your relationship. Ultimately, other people's judgment doesn't matter and you shouldn't let it hang over your decisions.
Talking to people close to you can certainly help you gain strength and look at the situation from another perspective. But in the end, know that their opinions can never replace yours
Step 6. Don't act without thinking
While you'll probably think it's best to pack up or kick your partner out of the house the instant you find out he has cheated on you, you need to think seriously. Sure, you could spend some time away from him, but don't say you want a divorce or that you will immediately resort to drastic measures. Give yourself time to reflect on what happened and what's best for you and your relationship, instead of doing something you may regret later.
While deciding to separate temporarily can be a good thing, avoid talking about a divorce as soon as you hear the news. If this is what your instincts tell you to do, wait until you have a clearer idea before deciding if it's okay
Step 7. Don't punish your partner
While you may feel better about hurting the other person, taking away the things they love, or even paying them back with the same coin, this type of behavior won't get you very far and won't help you move forward in the relationship. Even if you feel hurt and detached and decide to keep your distance for a while, what matters is not to punish or humiliate your partner, otherwise you will end up mistreating each other.
By punishing your partner, you will have a greater sense of bitterness and make the relationship worse. It's okay to take some time to stay away and be colder and more distant than normal, but intentionally hurting the other person won't improve the situation
Part 2 of 3: Taking the First Steps
Step 1. Make your requests
You should take some time to think about the things you want from your partner before you start talking to him. It is not enough to discuss the betrayal and cry or make a scene. Instead, try exposing what you want on the other side so your partner knows what you expect from him in case he wants to continue the relationship. You don't have to take it as a punishment, but as a way to move forward together.
- Let your partner know what to do to save the relationship. It could be going to a couple counselor together or perhaps separately, taking concrete steps to rediscover the things you enjoy doing together, finding time to communicate in the evening, or sleeping in separate rooms until you feel ready to share spaces again.
- If you are considering getting a divorce, it is best to find a lawyer as soon as possible. The sooner you do this, the better your position will be to trade.
Step 2. Give yourself time
While you may feel really ready to forgive your partner and resume normal life as a couple, you need to know that it will be some time before you can regain the trust and affection you once had towards them. Even if you are both determined to save your relationship, it will take a long time for things to return to normal and love to grow back for the person you married. It's all perfectly natural. If you try to rush things, you risk making the situation worse.
- You won't be able to forgive your partner or think things are going back to normal overnight. Maybe it will take months or even years to rebuild the trust you had.
- You will have to proceed slowly. It may take several days for you to feel comfortable sleeping next to your partner again, going out for dinner with him or having fun doing the things you loved to do together. Get ready for this.
Step 3. Express your feelings
Let your partner know what you are feeling. Talk to him about the anger, the pain, the sense of betrayal, and the pain he has forced you to live in. Don't keep your guard up and don't act like nothing serious has happened. Tell him about your pain and let him feel how you feel. If you are not sincere and open about what you are going through, then you will never be able to really move forward with him. Even if you are wary or afraid to reveal your true feelings, it is important to express what you are feeling.
- If you are nervous about confronting your partner or can't say everything you wanted to, you might want to express what you think by writing it down. This way, you don't risk getting distracted by the situation and you won't forget the important things to say.
- If you feel too anxious to have an argument about what has happened, wait a couple of days or as long as it takes to feel comfortable talking about it honestly. Of course, it won't be a peaceful conversation, but you may want to take some time to wait for the agitation to pass if necessary. That said, don't put off the conversation for too long.
Step 4. Ask questions that you want answers to
It is good to demand clarity on the behavior of those who have betrayed. If you intend to piece together the pieces of what happened, then you can ask questions about how many times it happened, when it happened, how it started, or even how your partner feels about the other person. However, if you want to give the relationship a chance for salvation, think twice before asking for details you may not want to know.
Ask him any questions that you think can help give you a clearer idea of where your relationship is. However, try not to ask questions just to satisfy your curiosity. The answers could also hurt you
Step 5. Do the analyzes
As embarrassing as it may be, as soon as you hear the news of the betrayal, you should do the necessary analysis immediately. You don't know what illnesses he may have passed on to you after having sex with someone else. While she may tell you it's not necessary, it's good to do it to make sure everything is okay.
By doing this, you will make your partner understand the seriousness of their actions. Having had intercourse with someone else, while he had some with you too, has put you at risk and it's important to acknowledge that
Step 6. Listen to your partner
Even if you feel hurt, dejected, betrayed, angry or in any other way you can describe your state of mind, it is also important to sit down and listen to the other party. Maybe paying attention to her is the last thing you intend to do, but if you want to regain some clarity and keep your relationship going, then you need to hear her side of the story. You may become aware of feelings or frustrations that you were unaware of.
It is not fair to think that he does not deserve to tell his version of events or that he is not in the least affected by this whole situation. While you probably won't be ready to hear what your partner is feeling, you need to give them a way to express themselves if you intend to move forward
Step 7. Improve communication every day
Once both of you have started talking about the betrayal, you can commit to enriching your confrontation. Make sure you are open and honest, talk regularly, and avoid passive-aggressive behavior as much as possible. While it may seem impossible after what he did to you, it's important to communicate as well as possible if you want things to get better.
- Once you have decided to give him another chance, it is important to meet you every day, put aside all distractions and talk about how the relationship is going. If you find it tiring because old grudges resurface, then try to focus more on the present and the future than on the past.
- It is important for both of you to confront each other to understand your feelings. This is the time to be alert and focus on the relationship. If the communication between you is not strong, then it will be difficult to move forward.
- Try speaking in the first person, for example saying, "I feel sad when you don't say hello, after you come home from work" instead of saying, "You don't give me any attention after you come home from work", as it can be received as an accusation.
Step 8. Decide if you want to try to fix the problem
Of course, once you start talking about cheating, you will have to make an important decision: Do you think you can forgive your partner and get back to a healthy relationship, or do you feel there is no way to make things work? It's important to be honest with yourself and see if the relationship is worth saving. The key thing is to take the time and space to really think before making rash decisions.
- If you have argued with your partner, stated your feelings and listened to his side of the story, having had enough time to reflect on your feelings, then you will be able to decide whether or not to continue your relationship.
- If you decide to save your relationship, then be prepared to invest all your energy. If, on the other hand, you know it's over, then it's time to take the necessary steps to get a divorce. If this is the way you want to go, you will need to find out about the procedures required for separation.
Part 3 of 3: Rebuilding the Relationship
Step 1. Do what's best for you
Unfortunately, no diary, friend, family member or doctor can tell you what is the best decision for you or your family. If children are involved, then deciding will be even more complicated. While you may think there is only one right answer, in the end you have to be honest with yourself and listen to what your heart tells you. It may take you a long time to find the truth, but the most important thing is to understand that no one else can tell you what to do or feel, especially your partner.
This reflection may scare you, as you will probably need some time to figure out what the right answer is. However, listen to your intuition if it suggests a direction to take
Step 2. Choose forgiveness
Remember that forgiveness is a real choice, not something that happens to you. If you are willing to forgive your partner or even try to forgive him, then you will have to decide to make this choice. Forgiveness doesn't fall from heaven, so you'll have to work hard if you want to achieve it. The first step is to agree to make an effort to save the relationship.
Be honest with the other party on this point. Don't make a mystery of whether you are willing to forgive. Let your partner know that you are serious about trying to make your relationship work
Step 3. Spend time together that has nothing to do with your problem
If you want to start rebuilding the relationship, then you both need to spend time together. This opportunity you give yourself has nothing to do with infidelity. Engage in the things you loved to do together and avoid circumstances that remind you of betrayal. Make an effort to start from scratch, making sure you build the relationship on a solid foundation through everyday things, without rushing.
You can also discover some new activities to do together, such as hiking or cooking. This way you will see the relationship from a new point of view. Just make sure that there is the same desire on the other side as well
Step 4. Take care of yourself
When dealing with a partner who has been unfaithful, surely taking care of yourself is a secondary aspect of life. Perhaps you will feel so overwhelmed by a whirlwind of emotions that you will not be able to think about eating three times a day, going out into the fresh air and getting enough rest. However, that's exactly what you need to do if you intend to stay strong through this difficult time and have the energy to commit to your relationship as a couple. Here are some things to consider:
- Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep a night. If you can't sleep, because it bothers you that your partner sleeps next to you, you should calmly discuss another solution with him.
- Try to eat healthily three times a day. While stress may cause you to be more prone to eating less healthy foods, such as sugary snacks, it's good to stay healthy to keep your spirits up. Fatty foods can make you lazy.
- Try to get at least 30 minutes of physical activity a day. It is good for the mind and body and can also give you some time to be alone without thinking about what happened.
- Keep a diary. Try updating it at least a couple of times a week to find yourself alone with your thoughts.
- Don't isolate yourself. Spend more time with friends and family to find some balance.
Step 5. Look for a marriage counselor
While it's not for everyone, you should both try to make things work. It might be a little awkward at first, but this kind of approach can actually be the best way to have a safe and encouraging sharing space in which to share what you feel. Find a reliable marriage counselor and do your best when dating.
If it matters to you, make it clear to your partner that it is unthinkable for him not to participate, as he was the one who ruined the trust you placed in him and, therefore, should be remedied
Step 6. Reassure your children
If children are involved, then dealing with an unfaithful partner is even more complicated. Children are likely to feel tension in the home, so it's best to be open and honest with them that you are having problems. While there is no need to go into detail, let them know how much you love them and that you are both working hard to find a solution.
- If you are thinking about ending the relationship, don't let your partner use children to create guilt. Although he will argue that children will be better off with two parents in the house, it may not be the right thing if the parents are in constant struggle with each other or no longer care for each other.
- Find time to be with your children, even if you are forced to deal with this difficult situation. By being with them, you can also feel stronger.
Step 7. Know when it's over
If you've made every effort to make things work, but can't forgive or move on, maybe it's time to end your relationship. Don't be discouraged if you haven't been able to forgive, even if your partner has done their best to regain your trust. Some things cannot be forgiven. If you find that you are unable to carry on the relationship and feel that you have done everything you can to save it, then it is time to make the right decision and move on.
- Don't get angry or downhearted if you realize you can't forgive. You did your best and remember that it was your partner who abused your trust.
- If you've decided to give it another chance, then you shouldn't be ashamed of "giving in". You have made a choice that you consider the healthiest for your relationship as a couple and your family, so no one has to judge it.
Advice
- One thing you can try to do is enter his cell phone's call log for just a few moments, pick one or two numbers that don't seem familiar, and try calling them with an anonymous number to see who answers.
- It is more than likely that the number will not have a name, so you will not know if it belongs to a man or a woman.
Warnings
- Don't be jealous and don't let him think that he is looking for information or that he suspects something strange. You can try to ask him questions honestly.
- When talking to your partner, don't give the impression that you are poking your nose into his business, as you risk taking him away from what you are trying to find out.
