Having children is an important decision, and it's not always an easy topic to introduce into a relationship. Direct, honest and respectful communication is the best option, but even if both of you are planning to start a family, you will need to discuss it to see if you are ready. If you find that your partner does not want to have children either now or in the future, you need to consider other options, such as giving up the project or hiring a marriage counselor.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Talk to your Partner
Step 1. Think about the reasons why you want to have children
Before starting a conversation with your partner, take some time to consider your reasons for this. Write them down in detail to prepare you for the discussion with your spouse.
Determine if your motives have an internal or external cause. Do you want to have children because you think it is what your friends and family expect of you? Or is it your personal wish? What are the reasons why you can say that you want it?
Step 2. Find a good time to talk
Don't address the issue at the end of a stressful day or when he's distracted. Instead, schedule the discussion for a moment when you are both relaxed and can give your full attention to the topic.
For example, you could schedule the discussion for a Saturday morning after you have breakfast. Make sure you are sitting in front of him and keep away any distractions (cell phones, laptops, etc.) during the conversation
Step 3. Talk about how you feel
Be honest and explain why you want to have children. Use the notes you wrote to help illustrate step by step why having children is important to you and why you feel the time is right. Express your opinion in a calm, clear voice and be as detailed as possible about your motives.
Step 4. Ask him to tell you about his concerns
If he is not ready to have children, it is important to listen to his motives. Ask him to share them with you and be as honest as possible.
Step 5. Listen with an open mind
Even if your partner is absolutely against having children, it is important to listen to him with an open mind, showing respect for his wishes. Make sure you maintain eye contact, nod to confirm that you are listening, and ask questions in case he says something you don't understand.
If your partner is in favor of having children, you will need to figure out if you are ready and decide if there is anything you need to do before this happens
Part 2 of 3: Discuss if You Are Ready to Have Children
Step 1. Think about your health
Having children requires both parents to be in good physical condition. Take some time to consider whether you are in good health and to think about what you can do to improve it before trying to get pregnant.
For example, if you or your partner smoke, try to quit. If you are overweight, take steps to lose weight. Try to identify the challenges you face to improve your health and ways to do so
Step 2. Examine the strength of your relationship
Before expanding your family, you should take some time to resolve any problems in your relationship. Having children can add further stress: in case there are unresolved issues between you, you should remedy them in the interest of the future child.
For example, if you have a tendency to argue over minor issues from time to time, work on communicating with each other. If your problems are more serious than having a small fight from time to time, it may be worth going to a marriage counselor to resolve them before you have a child
Step 3. Consider your finances
Raising a child is expensive, so it's important to consider your ability to provide for things like a crib, clothes, food, and toys. If you are in a period of financial difficulty, it may be best to take some time to improve your financial situation and save some money before trying to have a baby.
Step 4. Compare your ideas on how to raise a child
It is a process that requires a lot of teamwork between you, so you should agree on how you intend to do it. Talk about the values you share and how you can overcome any differences of opinion in this regard.
For example, do you have the same ideas about how to educate your child? Do you agree on what moral values you want to instill in him? Do either of you have strong religious beliefs?
Step 5. Consider the length of your relationship
Longer relationships usually have more stability and this is important for your future baby. Determine how long you have been together and whether your relationship is stable enough to have a child. It may be a good idea to wait until at least a year has passed since you are together before deciding to have a baby.
Part 3 of 3: Moving Forward in the Partner Relationship
Step 1. Try to be patient in case your partner wants to wait a bit
Even after sharing your feelings with your partner, there is a chance he or she may not feel ready to have children yet. In this case, it is important to respect his wishes and try not to pressure him.
Pressure your partner about having children is unlikely to change his mind. In fact, it can even cause serious problems for your relationship
Step 2. Remember that having children can be challenging in a relationship
A child cannot mend a relationship, although some people think otherwise. If you're considering having a baby to solve problems with your partner, then it's best to give up on the idea.
Try working on your relationship before making the decision to have children
Step 3. Consider what your life without children would be like
Many people choose to live without having children and lead happy and fulfilling lives. Think about whether you and your partner can be happy without adding children to your relationship.
- One way to determine if a life without children might give you regrets is to imagine yourself in the future and evaluate if not having any is something you may regret.
- Try to think about how you might spend your time and money if you don't have children. What would you do with the free time, money and energy you would have invested in them?
Step 4. See a therapist for help
If you and your partner are unable to reach an agreement and this is causing problems within the marriage, consider consulting a marriage counselor. You can also consider seeing a therapist on your own to help you deal with the feelings you have about you wanting kids but your partner doesn't.
