The fear of abandonment is a common fear among those who have suffered the loss of a parent, a loved one or someone who cared for them, due to a death, divorce or other traumatic event. This fear can also originate from a lack of emotional or physical support suffered during childhood. It is normal to be upset at the thought of a loved one leaving us, but when the fear becomes so profound that it has a noticeable impact on our life or that of the person in question, it is time to face it. Living in a state of chronic anxiety can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. It is possible to learn to overcome the fear of abandonment by recognizing its underlying cause, trying to improve one's emotional health and changing negative behavior patterns.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Examine Your Emotions
Step 1. Recognize that your emotions are your responsibility
Overcoming the fear of abandonment means finding healthy mechanisms to live with your anxiety: the first step in this direction is to take full responsibility for your feelings. While the emotions you feel may have been triggered by other people's actions, it's important to understand that how you react is your responsibility.
For example, if someone insults you and makes you angry, you need to recognize that no matter how humiliating it may be, it is up to you to choose how you react. You can get angry, scream, leave infuriated or you can look inside yourself and remember that your well-being does not depend on the opinion of others, then walk away smiling
Step 2. Recognize your fear
Reflect on why the idea of being abandoned scares you so much: what are you specifically afraid of? If you were abandoned now, what emotion would it cause you? What thoughts would cross your mind? Getting specific can help you find ways to combat your fear.
For example, you may be afraid that your partner will leave you and therefore fear that you are not worthy of being loved and that you will no longer be able to have another relationship
Step 3. Stop generalizing
In the event that your fear comes from an experience you had during childhood, you could subconsciously assume that it can recur. Consider issues from your childhood that could affect your present life.
For example, if you have been abandoned by your mother or a female figure who cared for you, you may think that any woman in your life will behave the same way. Remember that this is not a reasonable assumption and that people behave differently from each other
Step 4. Go on to fact check
If you are getting anxious, it is a useful strategy to regain self control. Take a moment to distance yourself from your emotions and ask yourself if your thoughts are objective: consider if there is a simpler explanation for what is going on.
For example, if you have been waiting for half an hour for your partner to reply to a message, your first reaction may be to think that he is tired of you and does not want to talk to you anymore. If you happen to think this, ask yourself if it really is the most likely situation or if, more easily, you are not busy with someone or forgot to unmute your phone after a meeting
Step 5. Take a conscious approach
Conscious attention ("mindfulness") teaches us to focus on what happens in the present moment rather than on what could happen in the future. Pay attention to your current feelings and, instead of immediately taking action or judging yourself for what you feel, ask yourself why you feel this way: it could help you better understand your emotions and know which ones to pay attention to and which ones to let go.
- Meditation is a great way to enter the practice of conscious attention. Just 5-10 minutes of meditation a day can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions.
- To get started, try downloading an application to your phone or watching a guided meditation in a video on YouTube.
Part 2 of 3: Changing Your Behavior
Step 1. Identify any behaviors that may alienate others
If you are afraid of being abandoned, your actions may often be the result of your insecurity. Calling and texting someone multiple times a day, asking someone to spend all their free time with you, and accusing others of leaving you are all examples of insecurity. Unfortunately, this type of behavior can have unintended consequences, such as pulling friends and family away from you. If you recognize yourself in these attitudes, try to find an alternative way to manage your anxiety.
- Practicing conscious attention can help you not to alienate others. By practicing a conscious approach you can examine your reasons and decide to avoid impulsive and attachment attitudes.
- When you feel insecure, instead of acting on your emotions try writing in your journal why you feel that way. Another option is to take a walk and reflect on your feelings.
Step 2. Ask yourself what kind of relationships you have
Many of the people who are afraid of being abandoned seek relationships with someone who is emotionally unavailable. If you have a history of abandonment, you may subconsciously choose partners who act in the same way as your previous parents or partners.
- Consider whether seeking an emotionally more available partner can help you break the vicious cycle of anxiety and abandonment.
- If you notice morbid aspects in your relationships, it may be helpful to consult a therapist. A mental health professional can help you understand the origin of these behaviors and teach you to develop qualities that lead you to healthier and more balanced relationships.
Step 3. Build a network of friends
If you are afraid of being abandoned, you may have a tendency to focus completely on one relationship while leaving out the others. Building a good network of friends can make you stop focusing on one person and give you a sense of security.
- In case someone decides to break up with you or is not available, you will always have other friends you can rely on. Cultivating friendships can also be good training for maintaining healthy relationships.
- Build a good support network by opening yourself up to the possibility of making new friends. Join an association, take cooking lessons, visit the neighborhood park more often or volunteer to meet people who have the same interests as you.
Step 4. Focus on activities that boost your self-esteem
It is a process that can help you become more emotionally self-sufficient and overcome the fear of abandonment. When you feel good about yourself and your abilities, you won't need to turn to others for approval or attention.
To boost your self-esteem, try learning new skills, volunteering, or working on a personal project that is important to you
Part 3 of 3: Identify the Causes
Step 1. Reflect on the impact that abandonment has on you
The loss of a loved one or past experiences of neglect and physical, mental or sexual abuse can be traumatic events. Those who have experienced this are more likely to face behavioral and psychological challenges due to the fear that these events may reoccur in their current relationships.
- Among the most common emotional and behavioral reactions related to the fear of abandonment are mood changes, excesses of anger and other behaviors that can distance us from loved ones.
- Other symptoms can be low self-esteem, severe anxiety or panic attacks, feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, and difficulty adjusting to changes.
- Fear of abandonment can also compromise the ability to trust others and to live fully. It can lead to co-addiction and bonding with people who reinforce negative thoughts.
Step 2. Ask yourself if you suffered from abandonment in childhood
Most of the time this fear originates from childhood trauma. If you have lost a parent or caregiver due to death, divorce, or whatever, you may subconsciously fear that this will happen again with other people.
Step 3. Think about whether you have felt abandoned by a partner
Sometimes even traumas suffered in adulthood can cause fear of abandonment. Ask yourself if you have lost a partner or loved one through death, divorce, or financial neglect. In some people, similar situations can cause fear of abandonment.
Step 4. Measure your self-esteem level
Many people who fear being abandoned by others suffer from low self-esteem. If you often seek the approval of others or try to gain self-esteem through your relationships, you may be afraid that others will leave you and take away the source of the positive feelings you have towards yourself.
Step 5. Ask yourself if you have a tendency to be anxious
People who are more predisposed to anxiety may more easily fear being abandoned. Anxious people have a vivid imagination: if you've imagined what it's like to be abandoned, you may be afraid that it really happens, even if it has never happened to you before.
- Anxious people tend to expect the worst from a situation. For example, you could go into a state of anxiety (ie feel the heartbeat accelerate and sweaty palms) if your partner does not immediately answer your call. You may be concerned that he has been in an accident or is deliberately avoiding you.
- To overcome anxiety you must learn to question the validity of your thoughts: do you really have reason to fear that your partner has been involved in an accident? Do you have any evidence that she is ignoring you?
- To combat anxiety effectively, it may be helpful to consult a mental health professional with experience in treating this disorder.
Step 6. Seek professional help
Depending on the severity of your problem and the impact it has on your life, it may be useful to seek the advice and support of a qualified therapist or counselor. Look for someone who is qualified to treat people with fear of abandonment, so that they can help you learn to distinguish past fears from what happens in your current life.
