People who are afraid to commit may feel the desire to fully dedicate themselves to a relationship; however, due to past trauma, they fear being hurt. The result is that they distance themselves from others. If you are looking for help in dealing with your fear of commitment, you should speak to a mental health professional who can help you explain your feelings. As you address the issues underlying your fear of commitment, you may learn some ways to get your bearings in the dating world. If you are already in a relationship, you may find ways to overcome your fears with the help of your significant other.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Uncovering the Reasons Behind Your Behavior
Step 1. Find a therapist
Seek out a psychologist or social worker who can work with you to address your issues and get involved. You may be looking for someone who specializes in relationships and attachment theory. Make sure this person is licensed by a recognized body or a member of a professional association.
- Attachment theory focuses on a child's early bonds with the person who cares for him most of the time. This is important to consider in pursuing your therapeutic work, because early relationships with those who have been close to you since birth may have influenced your fear of commitment and / or the way you manage relationships as an adult.
- Ask your doctor if he can help you find a list of psychologists on the net, otherwise contact your local ASL for suggestions on how to find a therapist in your area. You can also type "find a therapist" into a search engine and search the web for sites that can help you find one.
Step 2. Examine your life story
Fear of commitment is likely the result of past experiences. Consider what events in your life may have contributed to this fear. A therapist or a close friend may be able to help you with this, offering you the listening you need. You can also consider talking to family members you consider "trusted" to get more information on what happened during your childhood. Keep in mind that the type of trauma and your age at the time of the experience can affect your memory.
- You may have been in a previous relationship that you thought would go well but it ended suddenly.
- You may have been in a previous relationship of an abusive nature.
- You may have suffered abuse at an early age or other trauma while growing up.
- Experiencing your parents' divorce as a child can also be a cause.
- You may have unmet needs or attachment problems stemming from childhood.
Step 3. Name your fears
Find out what scares you about making a commitment. Different people may fear different aspects of commitment. In general, most people are afraid of intimacy and a deep emotional connection, but there is often another aspect that holds them back from dealing with a serious relationship.
- You may be afraid of making the wrong choice. You might be with someone and think, "What if there is someone better for me around?"
- You may be afraid of losing your freedom. You may no longer have free weekends or the opportunity to do what you want, when you want. You will have to take care of another person's needs and would like to think about it.
- You may be afraid of monotony. When you have a relationship with another person, you are forced to live the relationship, which is not all parties and fun. Genuine relationships take a lot of work to succeed.
- You may be afraid due to negative experiences in your past relationships. Consider when you started feeling anxious or uncomfortable in serious relationships. This may help you shed some light on the cause of your fears.
Step 4. Keep a journal
Spend some time journaling about your fears to commit. Keeping a journal helps you clarify your feelings and understand yourself better. Written records also serve to show you a track of your progress, which can help you feel better about yourself.
- Try to turn off your inner censor and write quickly, without worrying about spelling or punctuation.
- Try to get into the habit of journaling regularly. Many people take around twenty minutes as soon as they wake up, so as to have their minds free and focused.
- Be sure to reread what you wrote to find out if you have unearthed anything. Don't worry if it doesn't always happen. Keeping a journal is a long process.
Step 5. Examine other areas of your life to identify a possible fear of commitment
Take note of any situations that frequently cause you stress or anxiety, then consider if it all stems from a fear of commitment. Does this kind of fear also manifest itself in other areas of your life? If you notice a recurring pattern, you may want to consider talking to a psychologist about how to break this cycle.
- For example, you could rent an apartment in an area you've lived in for years, because the idea of owning a property and being "stuck" somewhere terrifies you. Or you may have dropped out of a training program for a job you wanted because you feared that this would limit your options later in time.
- You may find it difficult to hold a job for an extended period of time. Not having a proven track record of constant employment can cause career difficulties or stagnation in the long run. Talking to an employment counselor to help you understand your professional goals and developing an action plan can be helpful in this situation.
- Find out what could make it easier to manage the fear of non-relationship commitment. For example, you may feel more comfortable buying a large item after doing a lot of research. Or you may find that rewarding yourself for sticking to a plan is key to your continuity. For example, if you keep the same job for two years, you could reward yourself with a cruise.
Part 2 of 3: Committing to a Long-Term Relationship
Step 1. Try to have realistic expectations and stop making comparisons
Understand that there is no "perfect" relationship: every relationship has its obstacles, but also its unique and wonderful aspects. If you are comparing your relationship with someone else's or with one you see in a TV series or movie, it is important to stop doing this.
- All couples fight. Not leaving room for conflict is not healthy in a relationship. Differences of opinion between two people can be expected from time to time.
- All people in a relationship have something they don't like about their partner (whether they're willing to admit it or not!). Mature couples understand that as long as their partner's behavior doesn't go against their values, there will always be something unpleasant or annoying that they have to accept.
Step 2. Communicate with your partner
Keep the lines of communication open with your partner to avoid surprises and trust issues on both sides. Be honest about your fears so your significant other can help you overcome them.
- Be specific about the problems you face and how they make you feel. You might say, “You asked me last night when we could get engaged. It made me feel a lot of pressure”, which is better than“You always press me about marriage!”.
- Show empathy for your partner by actively listening to them and confirming what they are saying to you. For example, if your partner says, "I don't know if you'll ever want to get married," you might say, "You're worried I don't want to marry you." This will help you understand your partner's position better.
- Apologize if you made a mistake or hurt his feelings. Take responsibility for your behaviors that cause him pain. For example, you can say, “I'm so sorry I didn't call you last night. I only realize now that I made you worry.” Remember that apologizing never looks weak. Apologizing shows humility, warmth, and trust.
- If you think you need help to communicate better within the relationship, couples therapy can help you learn to communicate better with each other. Look for a therapist who is experienced in this area.
Step 3. Tell your partner about your fears
While it may upset him to know that you are afraid to commit to him, it is still better than keeping him in the dark. Remember that you are not doing anything wrong by staying in the relationship as long as you are honest about your fears. The other person would have the option to break up with you if they wanted to, but you should still have done some of your inner work and understood why you are afraid to commit.
- You might say, "I really care about you, but I've noticed that the closer we get to each other and the more I'm in love with you, the more I feel like I want to keep you at a distance. This doesn't happen because you're doing something wrong. It's because I have fear".
- Try asking for some understanding. You might say, "I know this probably upsets you, but I hope you can understand where I think my fear is coming from. I'm afraid of throwing myself into things after my previous relationship. Do you think you could support me and help me be less afraid?"
Step 4. Think about your personal goals for the future
Imagine what you would like your life to be like in five or ten years. Does this view include a committed, long-term relationship (whether it's a marriage or not)? Would you like to have a family? Discuss your ideas with your partner.
- If you and your partner are thinking of a deeper commitment to each other (like moving in or getting married), but you feel like you're going too fast, tell them about it. You might say, "I know you are ready to take this step, but I feel anxious. Would you be willing to wait to help me get comfortable with this idea?" Ask your partner how long they would be willing to wait.
- Keep in mind that it's also important to work on your commitment issues during this time and think about whether this is really the person you want to be with. Don't just stay in the relationship and hope to get a sign.
Step 5. Remember why you are with your partner
Remember what prompted you to choose it and why you continue to like it. It may be helpful to make a list of things you love about him.
- Keep the list in a safe place that you can easily access when you feel anxious or plan to run away. Your own words about how much you appreciate this person can help keep you grounded and focused.
- Share the list with your partner. She will find it very touching to know how much you appreciate it.
Part 3 of 3: Dealing with Appointments
Step 1. Make concrete plans and don't undo them. People who are notoriously afraid to commit have a hard time sticking to invitations and plans
Challenge yourself to accept scheduled appointments a week in advance - or whatever is outside your comfort zone - and don't cancel them.
Don't say "I'll try to jump" or "I might be able to make it." Say, "Yes, I'd like to come" and keep your word
Step 2. Stop promiscuous behavior
If you have a tendency to jump from one bed to another, try to understand that this behavior could be the result of the search for an intimate connection with someone. The next time you want to reach out to a bed friend, try calling a "real" friend to have a serious conversation instead.
Call a friend you trust and propose to meet for a coffee, a drink, or some other activity you can talk about
Step 3. Stop getting the number from people you won't call
Don't let others down. If you're not planning on starting a relationship with a particular person, don't call them.
For example, imagine you are talking to someone at a party and that person says to you, "Hey, we could go out together sooner or later!" Inside you know that you are not truly attracted to this person and are not interested in starting a relationship. You might reply, "I don't really care about dating anyone right now, but thank you" or "You're very nice, but I'm working on some personal stuff right now."
Step 4. Don't walk away from the person you are truly interested in
Often those who have trouble making a commitment do not pursue the people they truly love because they are afraid of rejection, as well as of everything that a relationship entails. Therefore they often find themselves having adventures with people with whom they share few interests or with whom they do not see a future together.
- Look for a person with whom you have common values. If you want to develop a genuine relationship with someone, you need to make sure you share some foundation on which to build your relationship. This can be things like where you come from or a shared faith, the value you place on your career or family, character traits you both appreciate in each other.
- Take a risk and play for the person you really like. While a "no" can be painful and seem like a setback, you will learn that it is not the end of the world. See the setback as an opportunity to become braver.
- If the person you're interested in reciprocates your feelings, great! Have courage, don't rush and let her know you want to take baby steps. You might say, "I really like you and I want to get to know you better, but I've been through tough times in the past. I hope you can respect the fact that I want to take it easy for now."
