Starting over is one of the hardest things a person can be subjected to. Despite ourselves, however, almost all of us will find ourselves forced to do it at least once in our life. Whether you're upset about the loss of a loved one, or your partner's lack of interest, or maybe you've been fired, taking control of the new situation is an important part of moving on. Here are some tips on how you can do this.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Part 1: After a Divorce or Separation
Step 1. Distract yourself
You are probably going through a long-lasting divorce, a very stressful situation that sucks all of your life energy out of it. Or maybe you just separated from your loved one. Whatever the reason, mulling over your loss only leads to disaster. Your mind is a wonderful tool, but when it mulls over the past it holds you back from appreciating the present. The goal is not to destroy the past - that would be madness - but rather, to put it aside until you are strong enough to face what happened to you.
- Lean on relatives and friends. Especially the latter can be a great distraction. Maybe organize an ice cream and movie night with your friends, so you can watch non-demanding (but still beautiful) movies with the people who understand you best. Or go camping with your best friends; you can fish and cook the fish you catch directly on the open fire (Congratulations to you if you can light it without matches). Whatever you choose to do, get your friends involved. They will remind you that there is more to life than just one person.
- Eliminate from your sight everything that leads you to think about your lost love. It doesn't mean you have to burn all the photos of your ex-wife or partner, but it would probably be best to put them away somewhere safe. Again, the purpose is not to deny the other person's existence, but to keep memories and thoughts away from them until you are emotionally ready to deal with everything in a mature and responsible way.
- Going away for a while can be a good idea. If you realize that all the memories of your past life are tied to a particular place, consider taking a vacation. Go somewhere you've always wanted, but never had the chance to do it: India, Europe or maybe somewhere closer that still has an exotic flavor. It's to make you feel better, so don't be afraid to spoil yourself a little. Being in a new place will keep your mind off memories of your ex, at least temporarily, and allow you to let your curiosity run wild, just like a kid in a candy store. Plan your return after at least a month.
Step 2. Find out what went wrong
Hopefully, you'll still want to get back in the game and find someone to connect genuinely and deeply with in the future. In order to do this, you need to recognize that you need to correct mistakes related to your behavior, personality and actions. No one is perfect, but to be successful in relationships you need to be able to know when and how to adjust to the situation.
- Consider going to a counselor or a psychologist. A relationship expert understands the dynamics of a relationship and knows what makes them work and what destroys them. Talking to a professional will help you understand aspects of your past relationship that you will need to change once you leave it behind.
- Write a letter or email to your ex asking for feedback. Whatever you do, don't argue or accuse her of making your relationship fail. Your real goal here is not to establish that you are right, but to understand what went wrong. Tell her that you are trying to become a better person and that you would like honest criticism from someone who knows you very well. Ask politely if she would like to list all those things she believes have seriously ruined your relationship, and what you could have done differently if you lived in a perfect world. Take the things he tells you to heart; it is not trying to hurt you, although it may seem the opposite. A nice, well-meaning letter can go a long way in helping to heal your relationship in some way. Even if we were just friends, it would be a giant step in the right direction.
- Forgive yourself and your ex too. Parting with someone you love deeply can leave you at the mercy of a myriad of different feelings. Don't put all the blame on just the other person; this type of game is a double-edged sword. Instead of allowing this feeling, be it guilt or resentment, to wear you out internally, let it go. The guilt will only make your character sour; if you are making an effort to solve the problems you had in the past relationship, you have no reason to feel guilty. Try to leave all that discomfort behind so that the next time you fall in love, you will be able to give the person you love all the trust they deserve.
Step 3. Gradually throw yourself back into the "fray"
Dating new people after a breakup is a lot like returning to the job market: if you spend too much time since your last relationship, they'll start wondering if there's something wrong with you (despite being a completely unfounded suspicion). It's okay to suffer the loss of a loved one, but the longer you remain isolated from others, the harder it will be to get back on track when you feel ready.
- Ask your friends to arrange a date for you. They know you well. They know very well what intrigues you and what you don't like. Asking them to make you meet someone can be a productive idea that you can benefit from. You would both know the same person, or group of friends, which means you have a very good chance of getting along. Either way, don't blame them if it doesn't work out between you two; your friends have good intentions, and could not predict the outcome of the date, whether it be good or bad. Go to the appointment anyway well-prepared and excited to meet a new person.
- Try online dating services. Today the Internet has revolutionized the way we can connect and interact with people. In fact, online dating is a way to get a high result with minimal stress; you have the possibility to choose who you want to communicate with without having to worry about involving the people you want to stay away from. If you decide you want to give it a try, make sure you honestly create your profile. This means putting an accurate (but doing you justice) photo and being straightforward about what you like and don't like. You certainly wouldn't want to date someone only to find out that they are completely different from what their profile suggests, so why cause the same problem to another person.
- Testing the waters is fine, if you do it honestly. Of course, you probably don't want to get involved in something challenging, since you've just gotten out of a serious relationship. Having "fleeting" relationships can only be legitimate if the other person is aware of what the situation is. Maybe it's better not to talk about your past history, at least not right away, but let it be known at some point - before things take a more intimate turn - that you're not looking for a stable relationship. This will serve both of us: it will attract the right kind of people to you, and it will potentially allow this new person to suffer from it.
Method 2 of 3: After the Death of a Loved One
Step 1. Don't be afraid of suffering
The death of a loved one is one of those painful, often sudden, events that are part of life. Instead of pretending that it never happened, become aware that the person you loved is no longer there, and remind yourself that life is too precious not to appreciate its value. Mourning is a tribute to the loved one as much as it pays to life itself.
- If you are a religious person, take comfort in the teachings of your creed. Religious texts offer inspiration to believers around the world. Read what your religion has to say about death - you may learn something you weren't aware of before. If you are part of a community of believers, pray with them. Don't be afraid to lean on them in times of need; they are basically people you can rely on.
- Take your time to cry. Don't hold back from that need just because you're supposed to behave in a certain way in front of others. Do what you feel like: if you feel sad, let yourself go. Crying makes many people feel better, better than how they felt before they did. Find a shoulder to cry on, as having no one in those moments can make you feel alone in the world, which is absolutely not true. It is full of people who not only know what you are going through, but who love you for who you are.
- Public rites, such as funerals, are important. However, it is up to you to decide how to ceremonialize the disappearance of your loved one; remember that the "last farewell" ritual is one of the most important. The ritual helps us to become aware of the death of an individual, even if we had mentally ignored it in the days preceding the funeral. The public ceremony helps us commemorate the missing person, and puts us on the right path to get better.
Step 2. Reach a state of acceptance
While the loss of your loved one may strike you as completely unfair, try not to allow resentment and anger to harbor within you. Being able to accept it is healthier for you, and will help you get better. In this case, acceptance means recognizing that you have limited power and that your life cannot be chained to a person who is no longer there, even though you loved her so much when she was still alive.
- Try journaling your feelings as a means of gradually accepting your loss. Invest 15 minutes daily - more time could make your pain worse - to write down what you feel, how important the missing person was to you and why; also try to imagine your life by projecting it one year ahead. Throwing your thoughts down can be a powerful emotional outlet. You will also need to have some sort of written archive of your feelings. It may give you a deeper insight into understanding your emotions in the future, when perhaps you re-read them.
- Try meditation or prayer. Both solutions are fundamentally based on the same "rules" for acceptance: there are things in the world that we are able to understand, just as there are others that are far beyond our comprehension, that we do not yet understand and that we will most likely never understand. If you choose meditation, try to reach a state of "irrationality"; banish all coherent thoughts from your mind and allow yourself to be purified of this feeling. Only in the state of helplessness will you be able to achieve maximum control. If you opt for prayer, turn to high power to give you the ability to understand; acknowledge that you are imperfect, but eager to learn. This prayer is an act of trust as much as trying to get in touch with the higher being you believe in.
Step 3. Socialize
The pain and emotional suffering of your loss will never leave you, as it should be. However, it will decrease over time. With the help of friends and family, your open wound will become a scar - no pain on contact, but a reminder of a pain you had to endure and a message to others saying you survived.
- Get help from your family. Regardless of how close your relationship is with your family, know that their love for you is profound simply because they are your family. Let them comfort you. Stay with them for some time if possible. Let them know that you hope to be able to give just as much support in their times of need, as unfortunately, that time will come for them too sooner or later. Give a little and you will be able to achieve a great deal. Love between your family members is something that not even death can take away from you.
- Surround yourself with your friends. If they haven't gathered around you yet, offering food, companionship, and love, take the initiative and visit them. Just like family, good friends love you and will try to understand what you are suffering from. Get distracted by your friends; you've probably been living like it's all a bad dream for quite some time now. Going to the cinema, going out and observing nature in all its splendor, or simply talking about politics, fashion or sport can be good "medicine". Friends will remind you how in life you must always try to make the most of.
- If the missing person was your partner, consider starting dating. Ask yourself: Would he have wanted you to move on, living a full and happy life or for you to mull over his non-existence, forcing yourself to a life without love and many nights in solitude? It may take some time before you are ready to date a new person, especially if you have been living with your partner for decades. On the other hand, deciding to start dating someone again is strictly personal, and it's entirely up to you. Keep in mind though, that love can come in many forms, and perhaps the greatest tribute you can give to your past love is to teach another person what it means to be truly loved.
Method 3 of 3: Part 3: After Job Loss
Step 1. Think carefully about your goals
What do you want from life? The answer to this question will likely help you figure out what you want to achieve in your next job. Are you interested in being outdoors, in nature? Are you interested in helping others? Maybe you want to get rich, and you don't mind sacrificing the time you might spend with your family, and having to spend so many sleepless nights. Find out what your goals are, and how your next career can help you achieve them.
- Do you want to stay in the same field or change career? Experts say that on average, a person changes career 7 times over the course of his working life. Ask yourself how satisfied you were with your old job. If you weren't, try to determine what the cause was; Was it due to the situation (for example, a bad boss … if he was good it would make your job rewarding) or the job industry itself?
- When considering changing, ask yourself, "If money hadn't been an issue, what job would I have wanted to do for the simple reason that I enjoy doing it?" Whatever the answer, there's a good chance someone will be willing to hire you to do just that. In case there is no job available that matches your answer, consider setting up your own business to offer that type of service. The benefits of being your own boss are many, and probably the most important is that you set your own salary.
- Maybe you don't have the answer to the previous question. You may know what you don't want to do, but you still don't know what you want to do. Don't be in a hurry: there are many who live in the same situation as you. Choose a personality test - according to some estimates there are around 2,500 - or start reading one of those books that deal with your own personal development. You can find thousands of informative, interesting books full of ideas for those choosing to change careers and looking for a job. "What Color Is Your Parachute?" Written by Richard Nelson Bolles, "Do What You Are" by Barbara Barron-Tieger, and "The Adventures of Johnny Bunko" by Daniel H. Pink are three excellent choices to start with.
Step 2. Network as if your life depended on it
Indeed it is. Many people simply apply for jobs they learn about online without ever relying on the power of their real-life contacts. Your network is the people around you who work who have a profession, and who could potentially help you find a job. (Don't forget that networking also means asking others how you can help them.) What many fail to realize is that many jobs are not posted on Monster.com or Craiglist.org, or that many companies will create a job if they find a person they are interested in.
- Go to the informational interviews. This type of colloquium is less formal than canonical ones; during these interviews, you are basically trying to get the information you need, without expecting to be offered a job. It's about getting deeper insights and broadening the reach of your network. Invite a professional who works in an industry that interests you for lunch or coffee, tell them you only need about twenty minutes of their time, and ask a series of insightful questions about their careers or the work they do. Finally, ask them to give you 3 references of people you can interview. If you're lucky, and you make a very good impression, they might even offer you a job on the spot.
- Develop your presentation. It is a 30 second story where you tell other professionals about yourself, who you are and what your goals are. A presentation is essential for your network, especially in those events where you have the opportunity to meet a lot of professionals and you need to talk about yourself. Remember to keep it short and intriguing. When they ask you to talk a little about yourself, no one wants to hear the usual spiel about your college background or the one job you've ever done. They expect something short, concise, and memorable. You will hit home if you are able to give them just what they want.
- Attend events related to the sector of your interest. In case you have attended a university with a large student base, and they have a habit of organizing regular networking dinners, whether weekly or bi-monthly, don't miss it. Or maybe you still have access to a particular industrial event that you used to attend during your old job. Whatever the shape, remember to go there and meet people. This is by far the best way to find work. If you are an intelligent, interesting, funny, and likeable person, people will notice this and feel tempted to help you out. Remember to do the same for others. The beauty of networking is that everyone involved agrees to help each other.
Step 3. Look for work
You probably already know. You can't find work if you don't look for it. So get up off the couch, stop playing video games, dress appropriately and hit the market! The only way to get a job is to take the initiative to contact people instead of waiting for them to call you.
- Do your research. Create a list of places and people you'd prefer to work for. Then find as much information as possible about them. Research their history, their mission, their best practices. If you get the chance, go for lunch with one of their employees. There aren't many things you can have control over when looking for work, but how much effort it takes to gather all the information you need is one of them. Work hard on your research, more than any possible candidate; if you can get an interview, it will be worth it, as it will make a difference.
- Contact. You can do it either by phone or in person. Put together your list of organizations, companies, or people you would like to work for and call or arrange to meet them at the office. Ask to speak to the HR manager, who you can ask if they hire. If so, present how you qualify for the position, demonstrating that you are knowledgeable about their business and the goals they are aiming for. Hand-deliver your resume or email it at the end of the conversation. If you can impress the HR manager, you will already find yourself in a good position if they call you for an interview.
Advice
- Never say things like "I should have done things differently" or "If only I had taken them to the doctor first." Guilt can be like poison to the body. Accept what happened and turn the page; there is nothing you can do to change what is past.
- Turning the page is always possible. Believe in yourself and don't be discouraged by a hiccup.
- Rearrange the furniture. Sometimes the memories of a room, or a house, can be hard to shake off. Take a day to rearrange furniture, photos and so on. You will begin to feel reborn and the memories of the "new place" will all be yours.
- Never allow a negative thought to linger inside you. Make an effort to reject it and try replacing it with a positive one. Always look up, and never down.
