If you can't get a bad sister to respect you, you can learn how to do it by imposing clear and specific rules. First, evaluate the situation between you and consider whether particular events in your lives may contribute to the problem. At that point you can ask her what happens and deal with it with particular techniques. Finally, learn how to improve your relationship with your sister by changing your mindset towards her and getting support from friends and family.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Assessing the Situation
Step 1. Consider the reasons why you feel badly treated
Usually, if you think you are being targeted, it is one of the following situations: you can't stand up and say what you want, or you think your needs are more important than your sister's. You can improve your condition either way by learning to better understand yourself and her too.
If you can't express yourself, you should understand what you want from your sister and why you think she is treating you badly, then put it into words. You can write your experiences and feelings in a journal so you have a clearer idea of what's going on. For example, you could write "I feel hurt when you ignore what I say. It makes me feel stupid and makes me angry."
Step 2. Set specific limits
Think about what your sister does that make you stressed or uncomfortable. Especially in the second case, he probably treats you badly or incorrectly. Analyze the things you don't like about your relationship and identify what you can ask her to stop doing or saying.
- For example, you may feel uncomfortable when he walks into your room and starts looking for something without asking your permission. It may give you a motivation for the way he behaves and behaves as if everything were normal. Don't be distracted by his words or attitude. Think about the specific mistakes he made in this situation and use them to enforce rules. In this example, he would have had to knock before entering.
- Set specific rules. If you don't want him to go into your room without knocking, how should he do it? Can he enter if you are not present? Decide on reasonable and precise limits that you shouldn't exceed. For example, you might say, "You are not allowed to enter my room without knocking. If I am not at home, you must text me before doing so."
Step 3. Consider your sister's point of view
You can often pinpoint the source of the problems you are having by paying attention to what happens in his life. When he is arguing or talking to you, pay close attention to what he says and his body language. Find out if she seems stressed about something. Reflect on her life in general and on the events that can cause her tension. If you can understand why she is upset, you may be able to resolve the problems you have with her.
- Are there any particular situations in which you always fight? If you can identify the moments or places where you collide, you will often be able to avoid arguments and problems.
- For example, if you notice that she gets mad at you when she gets ready for school, you can avoid her in the morning.
Step 4. Think about what's going on in your life from an external perspective
Consider if there are any factors that can make your relationship with your sister strained. For example, are you having problems at school or with your parents? If you often have a fight with her after going out with friends, think about the influence they have on you.
With this awareness of yourself, you can think of ways to avoid problems with your sister after going out with friends. For example, you could say something nice to her when you get home to start the conversation on a positive note. Or you might avoid some specific topics with her; for example, if he asks you what you did today, answer vaguely and change the subject
Step 5. Ask your sister why you are having problems
Talk to her before the next fight. He will probably be available to listen to you. If you don't have the opportunity to do this before, you can also take advantage of the moments when you are about to collide. Asking her to speak civilly is the first step in standing up for yourself. Discuss when you have time to clarify the status of your relationship and when you will not be interrupted.
- If you're having a fight, stop the fight by saying, "Stop it, I don't want to argue with you. I've noticed we've been having problems lately and I want to talk about it."
- At the beginning of the conversation, ask her sincerely, "I want to know what happens between us from your point of view."
- Explain that you want to help improve the situation. You can ask her, "What can I do to make things better?".
Step 6. Prepare to listen
Some of the things he will say will probably make you angry and you need to be ready. You must remain silent, not interrupt it and listen to it before you start defending yourself. If you pay attention to what he has to say, you will be able to explain your point of view more clearly and understand his point better.
- Nod as he speaks.
- Look her in the eye.
- Ask for clarification. You can say, "So you are saying that you want to be left alone when you are with friends, if you are not the one asking me to join you?".
Part 2 of 3: Defend yourself
Step 1. Explain what you want from your sister
Depending on your relationship with her and her behavior, she will need to defend you in different ways. If she appreciates direct people, you should clarify your thinking with simple and clear statements.
- Start with the positives, for example: "I appreciate it when you let me use your computer".
- Be honest and straightforward about problems. You can say, "I think we have some problems that we should work on."
- Tell her something you would like from her, for example: "I would like you to knock before entering my room."
- You can tell her how you feel, for example: "I feel like I can't trust you when you walk into my room without asking permission."
Step 2. Talk to her by showing empathy
This advice is especially important if your sister enjoys being listened to and is emotional. When you talk to her, include your thoughts about her feelings when you explain what you want. This way, you will let her know that you think about her too.
- If you've decided to start with the positive, you can say, "I know you don't have to let me use your computer, so I'm happy when you allow me to do it."
- You can also show empathy when you talk about your needs. For example: "I understand why you think you don't have to knock when you enter my room, as we used to share this space, but now I need privacy. Please knock before entering, all the time."
Step 3. Be more confident if she disagrees with you or doesn't do what you ask
This attitude can make its way into people who need carrots and sticks. However, if she continues to not listen to you and do the things that bother you, it increases the degree of assertiveness of your statements. This doesn't mean that you have to get aggressive, but that you have to be firm to show that you really care about putting stakes in your relationship.
- Start gently by saying, "I'm glad you came to my room, but I want you to knock before you do." Use a delicate but firm tone.
- If he doesn't listen to you, be more determined by saying, "Laura, don't go into my room without knocking." Use a serious tone of voice, but don't yell and don't be mean. Shouting doesn't help you communicate with her.
- If the problem recurs all the time, say no more seriously, for example: "Laura, I've already asked you to knock twice before going into the room. Stay outside until I tell you you can go in." Use a serious and firm tone, but don't shout and don't get emotional, otherwise you will give the impression that you have lost control.
- Remember that if she doesn't agree to your terms, there is nothing you can do about it. You can only try to enforce your rights.
Step 4. Make yourself heard when actions don't follow his words
For example, if you notice that your sister is eating your breakfast, even though she said she would never do it again, you can use first-person affirmations to let her know how you feel. These statements consist of four parts:
- Describe your sister's action and the facts of the situation specifically: "Laura, you're eating the sandwich I made for breakfast." Don't make accusations like "You stole my food" or "You don't care about me." Remember that you don't have the power to read minds, so don't assume anything that might be untrue.
- Tell your sister what impact her behavior has on you. For example: "I had saved that sandwich and was looking forward to eating it today. Now I have to find something else and I don't have a lot of time or options."
- Tell her how you feel. You can say, "When you eat my food, I feel like you don't care about me."
- Offer a solution to the problem or better explain the situation. For example: "Next time I want you to ask me in advance if you can eat my things. If I am not at home, send me a message. In some cases it will not be a problem to share the extra food with you."
Step 5. Stay calm when talking to your sister
Don't scream and don't get bad. If you want her to respect you, you need to learn to communicate with her without yelling or harassing her. If you can't control your emotions, you will appear weak and she may try to distract you from the conversation and start arguing with you.
To be able to remain calm during the conversation, first try your speech with a friend or in front of the mirror. Try to have a neutral and natural tone of voice
Step 6. Practice being assertive with a friend
Ask a friend or relative if she can pretend to be your sister so you can rehearse the speech you want to give her. Find someone who knows your sister, and ask them to behave as she does. You can talk about your feelings or the limits you want to impose on your relationship.
- Write down the things you want to say to your sister and practice saying them in your tests. Ask your friend to answer as she might, so you can get used to defending yourself.
- You can also practice listening to your sister. Ask a friend to play his part and explain what's going on while you actively listen. Again, write down the questions you want to ask her about your problems, or think about some in-depth questions. Show that you are listening by nodding and looking the other person in the eye.
Part 3 of 3: Move on
Step 1. Appreciate your assertion and prepare to do it again
What happens after you enforce your rights is not as important as the action itself. Pointing your feet isn't easy and you should be proud of it. It was a great workout, which you will have to learn to repeat many times, because it is not enough to raise your voice once to make yourself respected.
During the confrontation, keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing. Even after the conversation, remember that you were right to talk to your sister and put stakes in your relationship, regardless of her reaction
Step 2. Reflect on the positive elements of the conversation and on things to improve
Don't be upset if some parts didn't go well or your sister didn't listen to you. Think about the things you are happy to have said or done. Based on the discussion, decide what to say next time and consider whether you need to listen better or react better.
Step 3. Change the way you talk to yourself
People often have inner mental dialogues, which in some cases can become negative and repetitive. As for your sister, make sure you don't just mull over the worst sides of your relationship. It is right to reflect on the ways in which we are treated unfairly and to be respected, but we should not dwell on those thoughts too much, because we can aggravate the situation. Learn to turn negative inner dialogues into something positive and you will experience less stress overall.
- For example, if you find yourself repeating negative phrases such as "I will never have a good relationship with her" often, this can make you resentful of your sister and thus complicate your relationship. Find ways to make your thoughts more positive. You don't have to lie, but you can say, "In some cases I feel like I don't like my sister at all, but in other situations she defends me with my parents and I know she cares about me."
- Shift attention to the positive elements. After a bad conversation, you may think, "Regardless of what happened, I haven't lost control."
Step 4. Commit to having more contact with your sister
If you are in a difficult relationship, she may think you don't like her and this can make your relationship worse. Find ways to bond with her. Think about the things you have in common and the fun activities you can do together. For example, if you both like movies, ask her if she would like to go to the movies with you.
- Ask your sister how things are going. If you have some free time, try talking to her with an open heart. You can say, "Hey, how are things really going?" or "How are you? Really though". Most people are happy when someone shows genuine interest in their lives.
- Show your appreciation for the things your sister does or says. It won't be easy at first, but after a couple of times it will feel more natural to you. When you are with your sister or talk to her, make a point of letting her know that you value her. For example, laugh at her jokes, ask her questions, and tell her what you like about her. If she realizes that you respect her, she may begin to respect you as well.
- For example, if you see her helping a friend, you can compliment her by saying, "Hey, you really are a good friend."
- If she does something for you, tell her you appreciate it. For example, you can say, "Hey, thanks for standing up for me when Mom and Dad accused me of taking the keys."
Step 5. Talk to your parents and friends about the situation
Ask for outside help to improve your relationship with your sister. Talking to other people will help you better understand how things are. In particular, your parents may give you advice on how to behave around her. Your friends could help you by talking about similar relationships with their siblings. In general, sharing what's going on between you and your sister is a healthy way to improve your relationship.
