Asexuals, also known as Asex, are people who have no sexual interest in either their own sex or the opposite sex. However, the characteristics of asexuality are quite complex and can vary. If you have realized that you are asexual and are looking for advice, or if your partner is asexual, keep reading this article.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Asexuality
Step 1. Just be yourself
If you are not predisposed to being asexual, you cannot choose to become one. If you are asexual by nature, you cannot force yourself not to be. Even if you feel pressured, you should never try to be something you are not. You could pretend for a while but you can't hide the reality of the facts for long. There is nothing wrong with your sexual choices, regardless of your preferences. Be yourself because you are wonderful as you are.
Step 2. Don't stick a label on yourself
Realize that sexuality is always an incredibly complex subject. There are no categories that can identify the characteristics of each individual, and even if there were, they would not always be good. So, once you understand this, don't let anyone label you and, of course, avoid limiting yourself by placing yourself in a predetermined category. Just do what you feel like doing.
Step 3. Distinguish the different types of attraction
It is very important for asexuals to be able to distinguish the different types of attraction. There is physical attraction, romantic one and many others. Asexuals do not feel sexual attraction but they can feel romantic attraction.
- Sexual attraction it means being attracted to someone in a way that makes you want to have sex or engage in sexual activities with them.
- Romantic attraction is feeling romantically attracted to someone. Some describe it as wanting to date or do what they consider romantic with that person.
- Queerplatonic / quasiplatonic or alterous attraction it is to feel attracted to a person in a way that is a mix of platonic and romantic, or something still different, of intensity that can vary from person to person. It's not just about friendship, but about wanting to be closer to a person, even in a relationship.
- Aesthetic attraction it means finding someone visually attractive to watch.
- Sensual attraction it makes you want to go on the physical plane with people, it is based on the senses (from this sensual) so for example also the scent of a person, hugs or kisses. While these acts aren't necessarily romantic or sexual, they can be.
- Platonic attraction it means being attracted to someone and having them as a friend, establishing a relationship of friendship.
- The key to all of these types of attraction is that they can overlap: you don't need to be certain of your sexual orientation in each of them, it's not the behavior that dictates the orientation.
Step 4. Recognize Your Different Sexual Needs
Asexuals can try to satiate their sexual instincts in different ways, desire is seen as a need of the body but not as the desire to have a relationship with another person. For example, if you feel the need to masturbate (even while watching porn or thinking about someone), but the moment you are about to have a physical relationship with your partner you lose your interest, you could be asexual. However, we must take into account that there are different "types" of asexuals:
- Sex Positive asexuals who are positive about the idea of sex, who can have sexual intercourse and enjoy it, or even vent their libido through masturbation.
- Sex Neutral sex-indifferent, neutral asexuals… they can have sexual intercourse, for example if their partner so desires.
- Sex Repulsed asexuals who reject the idea of sex, who don't want to have anything to do with it or even just hear about it.
Step 5. Look for a confrontation with someone
There are communities of asexuals that you can easily find on the internet, also look for the people you could compare yourself with. You could ask for useful contacts from a consultant or psychologist at your school, or at the medical clinic in the area where you live. By talking to the right people, you can gather information, learn more about your feelings, and even connect with other people.
This could be the "question phase", a time when you are still unsure of your sexual orientation and need to gather information to clarify your doubts
Step 6. Meet people like you
Dating asexual people, or asexual people still in the "question phase", could help you clear up your doubts and learn to feel like a perfectly normal person. You are not alone! Join a dedicated group or forum to meet like-minded people.
Step 7. Accept the changes
If you now feel that you are asexual, it doesn't mean that one day you can't think otherwise. Maybe you've had sex in the past, and it doesn't mean it won't happen again in the future. Don't let someone make you feel guilty if your needs change over time.
Part 2 of 4: Getting out in the open
Step 1. Don't feel pressured
Coming out of the closet is a strictly personal decision. If you are wondering what the right time is, the answer is “when will you feel like doing it”. Don't let anyone tell you when to reveal it or not to reveal it. If you want to declare your asexuality, do it, if you don't want to then back off. In case you have a partner, it is always better to reveal it as soon as possible, waiting may not be a good idea when another person is involved. The situation will not improve over time and new problems will arise.
Step 2. Look for the right time
Choose the time and place carefully to share it with someone. You need to be able to speak calmly and in total relaxation.
Step 3. Speak directly
Make it clear that you are asexual. Try not to complicate things by assuming an insecure and sorry tone, rather be convinced of your statements because you have no reason to be ashamed. If the situation is particularly delicate, you could first try to test the waters by talking about asexuality in general and observing the reaction of your interlocutor. Otherwise, you could start with a sentence like this:
“I should talk to you about something that is very important to me. That is fine? Let's sit here. I want you to know, because I want to share it with you, that I'm asexual."
Step 4. Explain what it means to be asexual
Once you have told them you are, you will need to explain well what it means and what it entails. You don't need to talk about personal details that you don't feel like sharing.
- Establish context. It may be a whole new concept for many people, so you'll need to put it in the right context so it's more understandable. Use some examples that relate to you, it will be more immediate than using general examples. Sheldon of "The Big Bang Theory" and Sherlock Holmes are also portrayed as asexual. Among the historical figures you can think of Buddha.
- Provide information. Being able to give as much information from external sources is necessary especially if you are telling your parents or people who are very close to you. Avoid getting confused, but ask them if they need any information to deepen the conversation. Do not impose information material on those who are still tense after learning the news.
Step 5. Be available to answer questions
It is natural that your interlocutor has questions about this. Since asexuality is not that common, and many do not even know of its existence, you should not take it personally if some people may not immediately understand what you are talking about. Give them time to inform themselves and make it clear that you are available to clarify their doubts about it.
Step 6. Set boundaries
Speak clearly about who you are and establish the things you don't want to discuss now or ever. You can avoid offensive questions. If you don't feel like answering questions that are too personal, then say it openly. If you don't like people asking you a lot of details about your sex life, make it clear.
Part 3 of 4: Seeking a New Relationship
Step 1. Look for other asexual people
The best way to be in a relationship is to date another asexual. You can meet new people through specialized groups, online sites for asexuals, or through the advice of friends you trust.
Step 2. Surround yourself with broad-minded people
If you can't find other asexuals to go out with, or you don't find anyone among them that interests you, then you can try to approach other people who are not asexual. Try to bond with a broad-minded person who truly cares about you. You may find a partner willing to make your relationship work, but obviously the situation will require a compromise on both sides.
Step 3. Let your relationship evolve spontaneously
Don't feel like you have to hang out with someone and don't impose your presence on anyone. Even if you have an asexual partner, it doesn't mean you have to get married someday. Your feelings are more important than the idea of having a partner.
Step 4. Confide in your partner
If you have decided that you want to date someone who is interested in having sex, there will come a time when you need to explain. Try to talk about it when you feel comfortable; for those who are not asexual, accepting a relationship with an asexual could be a pretty big step to take. Neither of us deserves to suffer.
Even if both of you are asexual, it's always a good idea to discuss your relationship. Different asexuals may have different expectations. So make it clear what you feel or don't feel like doing
Step 5. Establish general rules
Regardless of who you're dating, it's a good idea to set some ground rules and make your expectations clear. It will help you not run into problems later. Remember that it is important to have a good dialogue and to be able to confront each other, it is essential to pay attention to the requests of both, this is how good relationships are established.
Part 4 of 4: Making the Relationship Work
Step 1. Maintain a sincere and open dialogue
The key to making a relationship work if you are asexual is communication. You will have to try to maintain an atmosphere of mutual help and support; if at any time either of you has a problem, talk about it and look for a solution.
Step 2. Think of other ways to be comfortable with the one you love
Relationships between asexuals generally do not include sex (although this is not always the case), but apart from that they can be exactly the same as each other. You can go out with your partner, go to a show, read together, attend concerts, have fun at parties. There are no limits. Remember that there are tons of things to do besides sex, relationships aren't all about that.
Step 3. Think about your partner's needs
If you are dating a person who is interested in sex, then sooner or later you will have to figure out how to cope with their needs. How to do it is up to you. You could let your partner free to have relationships with other people, or offer to have sex even if you are not convinced, only as a gesture of love. Or you could give him some sex toys that can satisfy him without your intervention. Talk about it and find the right solution that best suits both of you.
Step 4. Do what you see fit
Ultimately, what matters in a relationship is doing what makes both of you happy. Don't let others judge you or give you advice on how to manage your relationship. If you and your partner are happy, everything else doesn't matter.
Step 5. Find out if he's not the right person for you
Even if you really like someone and are comfortable in their presence, things may not work out between you. If your partner has sexual needs that you don't feel you can satisfy, or if they don't respect your decisions, then it's best to end the relationship.
Advice
- Asexuals are about 1-2% of the population. So don't think you are the only one and don't feel different.
- On Tumblr, there is a large community of LGBTA people (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and associates).
