Keeping a group of friends together can be difficult even at the best of times, as everyone tries to make sure that each personality is well integrated into the group. With a good combination of personality and a lot of openness and a willingness to forgive and tolerate, a group friendship can be fantastic and lasting. On the other hand, when things start to get worse, competitiveness and laziness begin to take root in a group, excluding or victimizing some members. Certain negative attitudes may be subtle or explicit, and they may not even be against you; Regardless, it can still leave a bad taste in your mouth regarding the fate of this group friendship.
And while the occasional quarrel or slight discord in a group of friends is part of the game, if membership in a group of friends makes you feel depressed, anxious, or insecure most of the time, it's a clear sign that the group has stopped being sustainable and could hamper your well-being.
Steps
Step 1. Consider how you feel after being with your group of friends
The biggest sign that something needs to change is constant inadequacy or unhappiness after spending time with your little friends. They may continue to be friendly, but if there is any cracks in cohesion, you may wonder about your actual membership in the group.
- Do you feel miserable after spending time with your group of friends? Is it an occasional sensation, or does it happen every time you see each other?
- Do you feel that the comments and actions are meant to isolate you from the group?
- Does being in the group leave you in a bad mood? Did you start the day feeling happy and positive but then get sad after being with your friends?
- Does the group always seem to be looking for problems and friction? If so, it is likely that the group has turned into an incubator of competitiveness and distrust.
Step 2. Think back to how your group of friends formed and try to understand what has changed
It can be quite complicated because, unlike individual ones, group friendships tend to transform over time, with the addition of people here and there. However, trying to understand what brought you together can shed light on the current presence of those motifs, and if they are no longer there, the group is no longer a healthy source of friendship. While the reasons can be complex, here are some common changes in group friendships:
- A group of friends formed at an early age, maintained throughout the school years and into adulthood: in this case, although the ties can remain forever, they can also break up with the various developments in life. As people tend to evolve due to new stimuli such as careers, moves, marriage, new perspectives and ambitions, over time, they can challenge a group of childhood friends.
- A group of friends at work: Sometimes it's just easier to spend time in a group in a work context. Unfortunately, profound differences can lie behind a group of friends outside of work. Or, it can disintegrate when one or more colleagues change jobs or careers, leaving few points in common with the rest of the group
- A group of friends through your children: As you raise children, you meet other mothers and fathers and bond over shared experiences, from diapers to school. Group friendships like this can help deal with parenting issues and support each other. Similarly, serious difficulties can arise in such a group, caused by differing views on the growth of their children, competitiveness and even discussions about the behavior of their children: the situation could degenerate on the personal. And above all, when children go their separate ways, group friendship risks doing the same.
- A group friendship based on a common interest, be it a hobby, faith, school or other source: Over time, this friendship can wear out due to the loss of interest of some members in the original purpose of the group or the change of opinion about it, maturing and discovering new interests
Step 3. Consider your change
It is one thing to think that everyone else is changing, and quite another to realize that it is you. There are pros and cons - although part of every human's journey, internal growth and maturity over the course of life, sometimes others just don't grow as fast as you, or can't accept you for who you have become. Whether you've changed for better or worse, group friendship may have started to feel like a hindrance, a pain in the ass, or just plain boredom. Do you think you are more negative in this group, or are you easily annoyed or stressed around them? You may think that the group has stopped improving your life and you feel that it is holding you back from success or achieving your goals. A good way to find out how much you've changed is by discussing topics that interest you now and seeing how receptive your friends are - if they seem disinterested, superficial or evasive, then chances are they have no intention of following you on your new path.
If your current group of friends is creating sadness, pain or confusion within you, or you are feeling left out most of the time, know that it is not your fault. First, inner change is healthy and almost always inevitable. Second thing: under the influence of changes and the pressure of others, sometimes even group friendships can change, becoming something different, and maybe you are no longer comfortable with the new version of the group. Rather than being drawn into situations you don't want to be a part of, or feeling sad around these now-unsure friends, accept that it's time to take steps that make things better for you
Step 4. Consider the possibility that the group is having a humiliating or demoralizing effect on you
In the past, this friendship may have been a source of support and joy. However, if you feel compelled to behave in ways that don't belong to you or feel used, the group's core values have clearly changed direction. If, for any reason, the group has become negative over time, behaviors can occur that hurt each member of the group, even if everyone considers their behavior "normal". For example, snooping, complaining, blaming, gossiping, depressing, and finding fault with others all the time can be a sign that the group mentality has turned completely negative and is eating each other out. Things to consider include:
- Does your time with this group of friends lead you to gossip and judge others? After spending a couple of hours with these friends, do you find yourself judging others harder and more freely, especially if it's not like you? In general, does it seem to you that the group has become cruel to someone outside the circle?
- Do you feel stressed and overwhelmed? While friends always have to support each other, do you feel like you've become a kind of sounding board for your friends' complaints? Absorbing negative emotions from a group can drain you.
- Do you feel that you are being invited to detach yourself from your ideas or moral principles because of the group? Do you feel compelled to conform to a way of thinking contrary to your ideas?
- Do you find yourself making decisions based on the behaviors of your friends? Do you no longer feel that you are in control of your attitudes and the decisions you make? Do you feel judged when you disagree with your friend or the group?
- Does being part of this group lead you to avoid other friends or family due to pressure from your friends? If the group's attitude rejects the people who support its elements, it is toxic.
Step 5. Find out if you care about your friends more than they care about you
You may be the kind of person who keeps giving and giving, too generous. In a sustainable group, your friends will not only appreciate your willingness to support and help them, but they will also refuse to take advantage of you, even indicating where you need to take better care of your needs. In a toxic friendship, your generosity will not only be exploited, but you will also find that everything is about "them" and never "you". Being heavily loaded with their wants and needs at the expense of yours is a very bad situation for you and is not true friendship. Signs that this may have happened to you include:
- Your pet dies and your group of friends avoids the subject or is even numb. They may completely avoid contacting you to express closeness. If you don't feel the love of your friends in the important moments of your life, they are not interested in your well-being.
- Your friends always want to talk only about their own problems - when it comes to your life, they don't want to know. By acting too often as a psychoanalyst for your friends, they have forgotten that you too have feelings and needs.
- Your group of friends ignores you on your birthday or completely forgets about it. Any true friend should remember important dates, so if you were left alone by your friends on your birthday or any other significant day, it is a sign of total disrespect on their part.
Step 6. Look for reasons to stay in this group of friends
It is a question of honesty, coupled with the set of answers resulting from the previous steps. If you can list very good reasons to stay, then it might be worth another try. But if at this point you struggle to find reasons other than "it will be embarrassing not to be part of that group anymore", then it's time to take courage and leave the company.
- "Because we have always been friends" is not a concrete answer. Being friends for a long time doesn't change the fact that people grow and change over time.
- The reasons for your friends being neighbors, co-workers or classmates are not compelling. The friendship due to being in the company of others for some common activity or for geographical reasons is pure convenience, but it is not the bond necessary to make a friendship real. If you need to spend time with these people to achieve a common goal, at least stop deluding yourself that it's true friendship and start seeing it simply for what it is.
- If you can't think of reasons why you are friends with these people, it is definitely a red code. What is holding you back?
Step 7. Go easy on new friendships
After a negative experience with group friendships, you may feel insecure about returning to similar situations. At least give yourself some time before you throw yourself into a similar friendship again. Nurture the most important friendships you have with a couple of people, to help you reform your trust and sense of support. And don't worry too much about never finding a group friendship again - sometimes being part of a company is a temporary thing, tied to a particular situation in your life that is now a thing of the past.
Advice
- Instead of just severing relationships with all of your friends, consider the possibility that there are some you would like to be friends with outside the group. If so, invite this friend over for coffee and tell him how you feel, to find out if it is possible to remain friends regardless of the group. It might not work, but trying doesn't hurt.
- Try to find the best way to reduce contact with your friends; perhaps being "too busy" or avoiding phone calls. Never be rude or rude when reducing or cutting contacts.
Warnings
- Always let your friends know if they are hurting you. Some want to be your friend just because they want to know you. But others do the exact opposite. They use you to be popular, or to feel better about themselves. Some may harm you physically, verbally or emotionally. Talk to an adult you trust. He will know what to do. In case you get injured in an unsupervised place (a shopping mall, a party …), call 112. In some cases, the police can do something about it.
- Avoid talking about your friendship problems with others, especially mutual friends. It will only make you look gossipy and vindictive.
- Don't do things your friends want you to do. Some have chosen to be bad guys. If they are your friends and they encourage you to do something like smoke in school, don't. Friends don't want you to change because they do something you don't. Friends want you to feel good about yourself. Smoking when you are young is dangerous, risky and lethal. You could get your criminal record dirty, sacrificing the ability to travel or get decent jobs.
- Don't yell or scoff. Some people may be a little pushy, but you won't get anything by shouting or making fun of them. Sit down with your friend and tell him he is a little pushy and sometimes ruins your daily plans. Your friends will understand and try their best to be friendlier.
