It can be painful to know that a friend is using us. When those around us take advantage of us we feel lost, vulnerable and confused. Because we have the feeling of being hurt in the back, we are prone to lose faith in other people as well. Sometimes friends act unconsciously, but other times they use us intentionally. However, there are a few ways to tell if someone is exploiting you and if it's time to end a friendship.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Examine Your Friend's Behavior Pattern
Step 1. Notice if he only contacts you when he needs something
If he only wants to talk or be with you when he needs help or advice, or if your relationship is based solely on his needs, he may be using you.
- Has your "friend" ever called or texted you to find out how your day was? Or did he only do it when he needed something? Whether it's a run to the store, buying cigarettes, some bread, somewhere to spend the evening, he only comes to you when he needs a quick fix.
- See if this type of behavior occurs continuously. After all, it's part of friendships to help friends and anyone who may be having a bad day or needing a hand. However, if the pattern repeats itself frequently or is your only way of interacting, then it is likely that it is taking advantage of you.
Step 2. Assess if your friend is worthy of your trust
A true friend does not go around telling your secrets around, especially if that behavior could harm you. To see if you are dating a trustworthy person, try to remember if they have previously disclosed private information about you to others, especially if out of personal interest. In this case, it is possible that he is using you.
Think about his relationships with other friends. Does it betray their trust or does it exploit them in one way or another? If so, this behavior could indicate that it is using you too
Step 3. See if it excludes you
Do you often exclude you from social events? If a friend is hanging out with you in a selfless manner, they should involve you and invite you into any situation, particularly if there are people you both know are present.
- Be aware that friends aren't forced to extend invitations to others on every occasion, but if your friend never engages you anywhere and only calls you for their special needs, they are probably taking advantage of you.
- If she tells you she's scheduled to meet people you also know, but you haven't been invited, try asking if you can go. Pay attention to the answer: if you realize that there are no logistical impediments and your friend still does not invite you or puts up an excuse that is leaking everywhere, it is possible that he is using you and that it is not about a sincere person.
- Here is an example of a legitimate logistical concern: your friends go camping, but there is no more space in the car.
Step 4. Observe how he behaves
Actions speak louder than words. If your friend always tells you that he will return a favor, but he never does, it is possible that he is taking advantage of you.
- Here's an example of how he might use you: You take him out to dinner a couple of times because he's nervous and upset about something. He promises to return the favor, but then he never does and keeps complaining about the same problem you were helping him with. If this pattern repeats itself too often, chances are it is just taking advantage of you.
- Ask yourself if he's grateful. Does he seem truly grateful when you help him? In this case he is not using you, he just needs the support of a friend. If he doesn't seem to care much about the help you offer him, his attitude could indicate that he is taking advantage of you.
Step 5. Watch out for feelings of guilt
If he often tries to manipulate you with some tactics, perhaps blaming you for something you don't want to do, it's possible he is using you.
Ask yourself if you would help him in case he doesn't try to make you feel bad or guilty about something. If the answer is yes, then it doesn't mean he's using you. Instead, it is more likely that it is pushing you
Step 6. Assess if he is an authoritarian type
If he never stops giving you orders and telling you what to do, especially for his own personal gain or that of his friends, it may be that he is using you.
- To find out if he's a guy who wants to be in control, consider the following: Bossy people are often quick-tempered and use it to get what they want. They can use feelings like guilt or sorrow to subject you to their will. Therefore, look for signs that you are being emotionally manipulated, as they can show you that your friend is affecting you.
- In addition, it can try to isolate you in order to weaken your social network and push you to engage in the behavior of your choice. He can accomplish this by criticizing other friends and family in an effort to make you spend less time with them.
Step 7. Trust your instincts
If most of the time you get the impression that he is not being sincere, you are probably right. To be sure, look for a comparison with him. Ask him if he really thinks what he told you.
- Evaluate his character. Try to be absolutely honest with yourself and ask yourself if deep down is a good person who cares about you or if you have the impression that he is motivated by personal interests.
- Among the qualities to appreciate in a friend are: honesty, integrity, sincerity and trustworthiness. Think back to everything you know about him and his relationships, both with you and with other people. Reflect on how he behaves in relation to the above requirements that characterize a true friendship, but also on what he says and to what extent it relates to those requirements.
- For example, if he tells you that he promised other people something, but then changes his mind, it is very likely that he behaves the same way with you and that he is exploiting you.
Part 2 of 2: Directly Addressing Your Friend
Step 1. Get ready
If you care about his friendship, you should make sure he isn't using you before you decide to cut all ties with him. You can do this by inviting him to discuss in a peaceful but rational way.
Keep in mind that if he is a good friend on balance, he is probably not using you, but he acts without even realizing it and will easily be willing to change. If, on the other hand, he gets nervous and at the end of your confrontation you lose his friendship, it is probably even better for you because it means that he was exploiting you
Step 2. Find a quiet place
When you invite him to a confrontation, be sure to do it in a quiet place so he doesn't get upset. Make sure you choose a place where you can talk freely without feeling uncomfortable. Avoid crowded restaurants with placed distance between tables.
Try arguing with him while taking a walk in a nice park
Step 3. Try to be alone with him
Don't bring other friends with you, even if they have the same problem. If there are other people around, they may feel overwhelmed, frightened, or particularly upset.
Usually, if someone criticizes you for something, you're willing to take their advice and change. If, on the other hand, several people criticize you at the same time, you may feel threatened and offended. After all, it's frustrating to find yourself in the situation where various people surround you and attack you
Step 4. Speak calmly, but assertively
Explain the reasons why you suspect he is using you and see how he reacts. Expose the details so that he doesn't have a chance to ignore them, tell you that you are accusing him or that you are a liar.
- However, don't be too fussy about the examples you report - he could turn the tables and accuse you of treating him meanly.
- Try to talk about his gestures and not his character. If you give some examples of how he acted, you risk contracting him. If you tell him he's an opportunist, he may get angry and leave the conversation quickly.
- For example, try saying, "I gave you numerous rides when you had the car from the mechanic last month. However, when my car broke down this week and I asked you for a ride to work, you ignored mine. request. From here I understood that, when I ask you for a hand, you do not come towards me ".
Step 5. Accept his apology
If he apologizes and is willing to change his behavior, and for your part you notice an actual improvement, it is very likely that he was not using you, but that he was not aware that in your eyes he was being selfish. Sometimes people are so caught up in life and their world that they don't realize that others may mistake them for opportunists.
Step 6. Consider severing the relationship if you feel that he is exploiting you and that his friendship is not sincere
Explain why you can no longer be friends with him and stop dating him. Don't be persuaded by the promise that it will change, especially if you've already given it numerous options. He will continue to take advantage of you if you let him again.
Advice
- Look your friend straight in the eye when arguing with him.
- Don't joke when you are confronted. Let him know that you are serious.
- Identify the classic signs of manipulation, such as blaming and blaming others.
- Before accusing people, try to understand that there really is a problem and make sure you don't make a lot of noise about anything.
- See if he sees you as just a kind of container in which to pour out his anguish when he has a problem. You can tell if, after listening to him and giving your opinion numerous times, he changes the subject or seems disinterested when you need to let off steam. He may even go so far as to tell you in no uncertain terms that he doesn't care about how you are feeling and completely ignore you. This behavior indicates a lack of empathy and, over time, risks turning into emotional violence.
- Some friends have selective hearing problems. They ignore not only the worries that you set them apart, but everything that is not in their interest. In order to elicit a response, the conversation must be about their needs or something they enjoy. Sometimes they go around the sentences and interrupt you.
- Study the way it looks for you. He just calls you to go out, and not very often. If he doesn't look for you to hear from you, it means that he only considers you when he wants to have fun.
- If, every time you confront each other, he revolves around your speeches, it is likely that he is betraying your trust. Be cautious when trying to get respect for yourself and play the victim by getting defensive.
- If in doubt, ask for a second opinion! Try talking to a close friend, family member, or person who knows them. It will help you figure out if your reactions are exaggerated or too quiet.
Warnings
- If he doesn't agree to make it clear to you why he apparently believes himself better than you, don't be annoyed, otherwise he'll feel even more important, show indifference, or make fun of you.
- If you are not sure if he is taking advantage of you, let some time pass, ask other people and do not immediately seek a direct confrontation, because you could be wrong: a false accusation could ruin your friendship.
- Notice if most of his "jokes" are meant to mortify you. When they are fake, friends can use you not only for material purposes, but also to damage your self-esteem in order to assert their superiority over you. If he teases you in a cruel and insulting way and gets away with telling you he was joking, you need to make it clear.
- See if you disrespect yourself. If he talks badly about the people you love, tramples on you, takes advantage of you, acts like an immature person, or keeps making the same mistakes after apologizing, then it's time to end the relationship with him.
- Don't bring another friend with you, or he'll feel accused and trapped. Try to confront him face-to-face in a place where you are both comfortable.
- Beware of so-called friends who "forget" their most important promises or gestures of friendship. This sort of "selection of memories" is only good for them, but definitely not for you. Don't be manipulated.
