Some people are naturally outgoing - this trait is part of their personality and leads them to function at their best. Others, on the other hand, can learn to be extroverted through practice. Being "outgoing" means learning how to introduce yourself to others, how to make a conversation and how to be confident.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Mastering the Art of Conversation
Step 1. Say thanks in public
Too often we go through the daily routine without even acknowledging the presence of other people. Next time you order coffee or pay your grocery bill, smile at the people who help you. Look them in the eye and say "thank you". This small gesture will help you feel more comfortable interactions with others, and will likely make the other person's day better.
A simple compliment can go a long way, especially for the service staff. Remember that the supermarket clerk or bartender serves hundreds of people a day, many of whom probably ignore them or treat them rudely. Don't do it too. Don't be creepy and avoid comments about physical appearance. Instead, saying something like "Wow, thanks for serving me so quickly" shows that you appreciate their work
Step 2. Look for eye contact
If you find yourself in a social situation, like a party, try to look people in the eye. Once you've made eye contact, give the other person a friendly smile. "If" the other person looks back, approach them (double points if they smile back!).
- If the other person doesn't respond, let them go. There is a difference between being "outgoing" and "pushy". Don't force someone who isn't interested to interact with you.
- This approach doesn't work well in situations where people don't expect to be approached, such as on public transport. To be outgoing you will need to understand when and where to approach people.
Step 3. Introduce yourself
You don't have to be a charismatic storyteller to be friendly and outgoing. Try introducing yourself by saying you're new to the place, or by giving a compliment.
- Look for other people who "do wallpaper". You may not have the courage to go straight from "shy" to "soul of the party". If you find yourself in a social situation, try looking for other people who seem modest or shy. They are probably as uncomfortable as you are, and they will be happy that you came over to greet them.
- Be friendly, but not pushy. When you've introduced yourself and asked a few questions, move on if the other person doesn't seem interested.
Step 4. Ask open-ended questions
One way to be more outgoing in conversations is to ask open-ended questions. These questions invite other people to answer with more than one "yes" or "no". It's easier to start talking to someone you don't know if you invite them to talk about themselves. If you've already looked someone close to you in the eye and smiled at them, start with a question. Here are some ideas:
- Do you like that book / magazine?
- What do you prefer?
- Where did you find that nice shirt?
Step 5. Give compliments
If you have an interest in people, you will notice a few little things that you like or appreciate. Make sure the compliments are sincere, though! Forced compliments are very easy to notice. Think of something like:
- I read that book. Good choice!
- I love those shoes. They look perfect with that skirt.
- Is that a hazelnut latte? Good - I take it too every Monday morning.
Step 6. Look for a common point
In the first conversation between two people, the most important aspect is to find elements of contact. To find out what to talk about, you'll need to search for things you have in common. If you work together or have mutual friends, or there is anything that unites you, problem solved. Talking about the boss, a mutual friend or a cooking class will give you the opportunity to find other topics for discussion.
- If your interlocutor is a stranger, you could start with your surroundings. For example, if you are in a bookstore, you might ask the other person for advice on a book to buy. If you find yourself stuck in line with another person, make a joke about it.
- Give a compliment, but be careful to avoid comments that are judgmental. For example, you could say you like the other person's hairstyle, then ask where they got it. Or you could say you've always been looking for a pair of shoes like the ones she wears and ask where she bought them. Avoid topics that may seem offensive, such as comments about size, skin color, or attractiveness.
Step 7. Try to understand what your interlocutor is passionate about
If person A just wants to talk about thermodynamics, while person B tries to determine which is the best coffee in town, the conversation will go nowhere. One of these people will have to talk about the other person's interest. You fill that role.
When you talk about this and that, looking for points in common, try to notice when the other person gets warm. You will be able to hear and see it. His face will be more expressive (like their voice) and you will probably notice some body movements. Humans all demonstrate arousal in a similar way - the attitudes you hold when talking about a passion are probably the same as the other person holds
Step 8. Chat with colleagues
If you have a job, you are likely to be in an environment that involves social contact. Find a place where your colleagues hang out, like a break room or a popular colleague's desk.
- The coffee dispenser is not the place for the most controversial topics, such as religion or politics. Instead, try to engage people with comments about culture or sports. While people often have strong opinions on these topics, they are much safer areas for friendly conversation.
- Being outgoing at work can be important. Although it is a myth that silent people are less friendly than extroverted ones, from the outside, extroverted people are perceived as more friendly and positive. Building relationships and talking to coworkers can help you get the recognition you deserve.
Step 9. It will end with a nice memory
That way the other person will want more. A good way to do this is to leave room for future interactions. Exit the conversation gracefully so that the other person doesn't think you have abandoned them.
- For example, if you talked about your dogs, ask if there is a good dog park in the area. If the other person answers in the affirmative, you could ask them to bring the dog with you: "Can you recommend the dog park near Via Cavour? I've never been there. Would you like to go together next Saturday?". Offering a specific invitation is more effective than saying "Let's see sometime" because it shows that you are not saying it just out of politeness.
- When you have finished the conversation, conclude by taking up a main point already discussed. This will let the other person know that you were listening. For example: "Good luck with Sunday's marathon! You'll have to tell me everything next week."
- Conclude by saying that you enjoyed the conversation. "It was really nice talking to you" or "It was really nice meeting you" are phrases that make the other person feel important.
Step 10. Talk to everyone
Now that you understand the basics of the art of conversation, you will need to use them with all kinds of people. At first, you may feel uncomfortable talking to people you consider to be different from you. The more you learn to appreciate diversity in everyday life, the more you will understand that you have something in common with everyone - we are all human.
Method 2 of 4: Get in the Game
Step 1. Set yourself specific and reasonable goals
Being outgoing is a difficult goal to achieve because it is very abstract. It will be easier if you break this big goal down into smaller steps. Instead of telling yourself to be outgoing, make it a goal to have at least one conversation, talk to a stranger, or smile at five people every day.
Start small. Try chatting (or if that's too much for you, just smile) with a stranger or acquaintance every day. Greet a person on the street. The bartender who has served you every day for the past three months? Ask him what his name is. These small victories will keep you going and make you feel ready for bigger challenges
Step 2. Join a club
If you are unsure of how to approach people in social settings, try joining a club; it will give you the opportunity to interact, usually in more controlled situations, with people who share your interests.
- Look for a club that encourages socialization, such as a book club or cooking class. You will be able to ask questions and participate in a discussion, but the focus will not be on you. These situations can be very helpful for shy people.
- Shared experiences can be a powerful bonding technique. Joining a club where people have something in common with you gives you an edge - there is already something that binds you.
Step 3. Invite other people to your home
You don't even have to leave the house to be outgoing. Invite people to come to you for a movie night or dinner. If you welcome them right, people will understand that you care (and they will have fun).
Try to organize events that encourage conversation. You could host a wine tasting, where each guest will bring a bottle and compare their views with those of others. Or you could organize a dinner, where each person will have to contribute a plate. Having a reason for conversation helps the party stay lively and fun (and it must be said, food and wine never hurt)
Step 4. Learn a hobby
Everyone needs something they excel at. Human beings have an innate desire to feel "in control" of something. A hobby is an undemanding way to experience that feeling. When we feel really good at something, we are more proud and confident in general. After all, if we can do one thing, what's stopping us from doing the rest?
Hobbies give you something to talk about with people you know. They often give you a way to meet new people. And they also offer health benefits, such as a lower risk of depression
Step 5. Dress for success
It may seem like a trivial piece of advice, but some research shows that your clothing can really affect your mood. Dressing in a way that expresses your personality and worth can make you feel more confident and outgoing.
- One study has shown that simply wearing a lab coat can increase the attention and caution of people performing basic science tasks. You are what you wear. If socializing makes you nervous, wear something that makes you feel powerful and attractive. You will bring that confidence into your interactions.
- Clothes can give you an opportunity to start a conversation. Wearing a funny tie or bracelet tied to a cause can give people a way to break the ice with you. You can also compliment a person about what they're wearing to get to know them.
- Be careful not to make judgments in your compliments, such as "That dress makes you look so skinny!". This type of comment is based on the beauty standards of the company and not those of your interlocutor. Instead, try something positive but non-judgmental, like "I love the design of that tie, it's so complex" or "I looked for a pair of shoes like that, where did you get them?".
Step 6. Work on friendships you already have
Make sure you improve relationships with your friends and with the people you meet. Not only will you have more relationships with people, but you will grow and have new experiences that you can share.
Old friends offer you a great opportunity to practice. They can introduce you to new people or take you to places you would never visit alone. Don't ignore them! They probably faced similar problems too
Step 7. Meet new people
To be outgoing you will need to help others feel comfortable. When you no longer have a problem introducing yourself, do your friends a favor and introduce people to them too.
Introducing people to friends helps reduce embarrassment. Think about what you know about people - what do they have in common? When you talk to Laura at the supermarket, take a moment to say "Hey Stefano! This is Laura. We were talking now about that new group we saw last night. What do you think?" - knowing that they are both passionate about music. Success
Method 3 of 4: Communicate with the Body
Step 1. Examine your body language
Non-verbal communication, such as body language and eye contact, can say more than words. According to body language researcher Amy Cuddy, your posture sends messages about you to other people. People rate others as attractive, likeable, competent, trustworthy, or aggressive in a split second - some research suggests that it only takes a tenth of a second to make a first impression.
- Making yourself "smaller", for example, by crossing your legs, hunching your back, crossing your arms, etc., communicates your discomfort in a situation. It can indicate your unwillingness to communicate with others.
- On the contrary, you can express confidence and power by opening up. You will not have to take up more space than necessary or invade the personal space of others, but set the boundaries of your space. Plant your feet firmly when sitting or standing. Keep your chest out and shoulders back. Avoid fiddling with your fingers, pointing or shifting your weight to your feet.
- Your body language also influences your opinion of yourself. People who use modest body language, such as shrinking or shutting down, or crossing arms and legs, see increased levels of "cortisol," a stress hormone linked to feelings of insecurity.
Step 2. Look for eye contact
The eyes are the "window to the soul" and you can be more outgoing just by looking people in the eye. If, for example, you look directly at a person, this is often interpreted as an invitation. If the other person looks back, you will know that they have accepted your invitation.
- People who look their interlocutor in the eye are often considered more friendly, open and credible. Extroverted and self-confident people look more often, and for longer, at the people they talk or interact with.
- Humans find eye contact naturally attractive. Eye contact creates a feeling of connection, even if the eyes are in a photograph or just drawn.
- Try to maintain eye contact with a person about 50% of the time you speak and about 70% when you listen. Keep your gaze fixed for about 4-5 seconds before looking away again.
Step 3. Express interest with body language
In addition to changing your body language when you are alone, you can communicate with your body when interacting with other people. An “open” body language communicates availability and interest in the other person.
- Open body language includes uncrossed arms and legs, smiles, and a head held high looking around the room.
- When you have established contact with someone, communicate your interest in them. Getting close to him and tilting your head when he speaks are ways to show your involvement in the conversation and your interest in his ideas.
- Many of these non-verbal messages can communicate romantic attraction as well as platonic interest.
Step 4. Listen actively
When you listen to a person, show your involvement. Focus on what he is saying. Look at her when she speaks. Nodding, using expressions like "ah hah" or "mm hmm" and smiling are all ways to show that you are following the conversation.
- Avoid looking over the person's head or anywhere else in the room for more than a couple of seconds. These messages indicate lack of interest or boredom.
- Repeat the core ideas, or use them as part of the answer. For example, if you're talking to someone you just met in a bar who is telling you about their fishing hobby, mention that activity when you say, "Wow, I've never been fishing. very funny". This will let the other person know that you are really listening, and not mentally checking the shopping list or anything else.
- Have your interlocutor finish talking before answering.
- When you listen, don't think about what to answer as soon as it's your turn to speak. Focus on the other person's communication.
Step 5. Practice smiling
If you've ever heard the expression "smile with your eyes", there is scientific evidence to back it up. People can tell a real smile, which requires using more facial muscles than a fake one. The real smile even has a name: the Duchenne smile. This smile uses the muscles around the mouth and those around the eyes.
- Duchenne smiles can reduce stress and produce feelings of happiness in those who make them. If you are less anxious, you will be more open and outgoing.
- Studies suggest that it is possible to "try" a Duchenne smile. One way to do this is to imagine a situation that conveys a positive emotion, such as joy or love. Practice smiling to communicate these emotions in front of the mirror. Check if the eyes are wrinkled in the corners - the hallmark of a "real" smile.
Step 6. Go beyond your "comfort zone"
According to psychologists, there is a zone of "optimal anxiety" or "productive discomfort" that is just outside your normal comfort zone. When you enter that zone you are more productive, because it increases your predisposition to take risks, but you are not so far from your "safe space" that you are dominated by anxiety.
- When you start a new job, for example, or show up on a first date or move to a new school, you will give your all because you are in a new situation. This increased focus and effort improves your performance.
- Go through the process slowly. Pushing yourself too far, or doing it too fast, can make your performance worse, because anxiety would exceed the "optimal" level. Try taking baby steps out of your comfort zone in the beginning. When you feel more comfortable taking risks, you can take bigger ones.
Step 7. Consider "failures" as learning experiences
When you take a risk, there is a possibility of not getting the desired outcome. You may be tempted to interpret these situations as "failures". However, it is a vision that generalizes too much. Even when you feel like you've gotten the worst possible outcome there will always be something you can learn and use in the future. Wrong, you learn, after all.
- Consider how you approached the situation. What have you planned? Is there something you did not foresee? Thanks to your past experience, what would you do differently next time?
- What have you done to increase your chances of success? For example, if your goal was to "socialize more", consider the actions you have taken. Did you go to a club where you knew someone? Did you get a friend to accompany you? Have you looked for a place where you can find people who share your interests? Did you expect to become a social celebrity right away, or did you set yourself small, achievable initial goals? Achieve success next time with the knowledge you have now.
- Focus on the things you can control. Failures can make us feel helpless, as if we can never be successful. While some things are certainly out of your control, others are not. Think about the things you have the ability to change and consider how to use them to your advantage.
- Research suggests that many people tie their self-esteem directly to performance. Learn to focus on your commitment, rather than the outcome of your actions (which you can't always control). Exercise compassion for yourself when you fail. You can use these techniques for better results in the future.
Method 4 of 4: Thinking Positively, Effectively, and Safely
Step 1. Challenge the critic in you
Changing your behavior is difficult, especially when what you try to do doesn't come naturally to you. You may hear a little voice telling you things like, "She doesn't want to be your friend. You have nothing to say. If you talked, you'd only say stupid things." These thoughts are based on fear, not facts. Challenge them by reminding yourself that you have thoughts and ideas that other people want to hear.
- Try to find evidence for these theses when they occur to you. If, for example, your colleague passing by your desk doesn't greet you, your automatic reaction might be to think "Wow, he's really mad at me. Who knows what I did. I knew he didn't want to be my friend."
- Challenge that thought by looking for evidence to support it; you probably won't find many. Ask yourself: Has that person told you in the past that they were angry? He would have told you this time too, probably. Did you do something that might have angered your co-worker? Is it possible that he is just having a bad day?
- Many of us, especially those who are shy by nature, overestimate the seriousness of our mistakes and blunders. If you are open, sincere and friendly, people will not turn you away for an occasional stumble. Worrying too much about your mistakes can make you anxious and prevent you from learning and growing.
Step 2. Be outgoing in your own way
There is nothing wrong with being introverted and shy. Decide what you want to change about your personality, but do it for yourself, not because someone else told you to.
- Think about why being shy bothers you. Maybe it's something you can just accept. Being yourself and being shy is better than pretending to be outgoing.
- Consider: When you find yourself in a situation that triggers your shyness, what is causing it? How does your body react? What are your instincts? Understanding how your brain works is the first step in controlling your reactions.
Step 3. Pretend
If you are going to wait until you "want" to do something before doing it, there is not much chance of producing the changes you want. Research has shown that you can increase your effectiveness by behaving the way you want to do it - even if you're not convinced at first. Thanks to the "placebo effect", we know that waiting for a result is often enough to make it happen: pretending really works.
Step 4. Set yourself realistic goals
Jimi Hendrix didn't become a guitar god in an hour. Rome was not built in a day. You won't become a social person in no time. Set yourself realistic goals and don't blame yourself if you make a mistake - it happens to everyone.
Only you know what a challenge is for you. If you were to place yourself on the extroversion scale from 1 to 10, what grade would you rate yourself? Now think about what behaviors could make you move up one point? Focus on that, before trying to get to 9 and 10
Step 5. Understand that this is a skill
Social chameleons often appear to have a natural talent. And yes, some people have a natural predisposition to curiosity and social interactions - but for most people it's a learning skill. A lot of research supports the idea that you can learn to change your reactions to situations by practicing new thoughts and behaviors.
If you know extroverted people, ask questions about their character. Have they always been like this? Did they ever feel like they had to try to be outgoing? Do they also have small social phobias? The answers will likely be no, yes and yes. This is something they have decided to check
Step 6. Think about your past successes
When you are at a party, the anxiety you know well may dominate you when you try to interact with other people. You may have negative thoughts about your chances of successfully interacting with others. In this situation, think about the occasions when you have had successful interactions and felt comfortable. You're likely outgoing with friends and family, at least in some cases. Remember those successes in this situation.
Thinking about all the times we have done something that scares us can make us feel capable and more confident
Advice
- When “hooking up” is easy for you, take it one step further and learn to converse in an interesting way and be charming.
- Live in the moment and be aware of your surroundings. If you don't have fun, nobody will!
- Smile as often as you can. Whether you are alone or with someone else. A smile puts you in a good mood and makes you more inclined to be outgoing.
- Get closer to people. If you spot someone you like, take the first step, ask for their name and introduce yourself. Don't worry if others may find you weird or bizarre.
- Remember that you are not trying to change overnight. It will take days, months, or even years before you get to a good level of self-confidence. Take your time. Practice being outgoing by chatting to people. You can do this in class if you go to school or to meetings at work. It makes no difference.
- Don't feel like you have to act like a different person. Being yourself is the best way to be sure of yourself.
