No one has ever said that raising a daughter was easy, especially when the stage of adolescence arrives. The cute, chatty pre-teen you once knew and loved begins to question your authority. But don't worry: many parents have raised healthy, independent teenagers, survived the war, and are here to tell you their secrets. If you offer affection, understanding, and a reasonable amount of discipline to your daughter, then your relationship will grow even stronger and more satisfying. To learn how to handle a little girl, read this article.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Make Her Feel Loved and Happened
Step 1. Give it space
In most cases, your teenage daughter will want to spend less and less time with you. Don't feel bad about it, it's almost always natural and it's nothing personal. Your daughter wants more independence and unconsciously wants to prove to the people around her that she is now an adult. She may close the door instead of leaving it open as she used to, or have private phone conversations in a hidden corner of the house. The important thing is not to threaten her privacy or try to appear unexpectedly, or she will drift further away from you..
- Although you desperately want to know what's going on in your daughter's life, say things like "What were you talking about with your friend?" or "What have you been doing alone in your room all these hours?" it will actually make them distance themselves further from you. If he wants to share something with you, he will.
- If he enters the house slamming the door or looks very sad and runs into his room, you can say something like, “I know you're down right now and you probably don't want to talk about it. But, if you want to do it later, I'm always available”. This will reassure her without putting pressure on her to speak when she is not ready.
Step 2. Be there for her
When your daughter is sad, ask her what's wrong. If she doesn't want to tell you, don't blame it because it's normal, but offer her a shoulder to cry on. Try to have good advice at your disposal to help her. Let her know that your door is always open, and remind her that you too were a teenager once and managed to survive. Sometimes he may not feel like talking and just needs someone to let off steam. Be there for her, without forcing her to tell you what's happening to her.
- If your daughter is down, eat ice cream and watch TV together. Be present as a comforting parent and friend.
- If she needs your support with a school issue, be there for her, whether it's to go see her tennis match or her participation in a debate.
Step 3. Tell her that you appreciate her and that you love her
He seems very sweet and she might react as if she hates these expressions of affection of yours, but deep down you never know for sure what is happening inside her. Your demonstrations could be the only thing that allows her to feel good. Let her know that she is special to you and refer to all the great qualities she possesses. While you don't want to do this too often or she may feel choked, you should tell her frequently enough so that she knows it's true.
Many teenagers are terribly insecure, and you should make sure your daughter is better about herself. Don't criticize her looks, don't tell her to lose weight, or try to force her to hang out with popular people. If your daughter feels that her mother or father is dissatisfied with her, then her self-esteem will drop
Step 4. Let it express itself through fashion, but try to set boundaries
He may want to wear clothes you don't approve of. Or he may want excessively expensive clothing. Remind her what your personal values are and try to reason with her. The pressure exerted by her classmates will be high, and you don't want to be totally excluded by her friends.
Be reasonable. If you make her dress like a Puritan lady, she'll likely change into more flirty clothes once she leaves the house. However, if you think her friends are wearing too loose clothing, you can talk to her about why you don't think it's a good idea
Step 5. Get to know your daughter's friends
Although you shouldn't behave as if you are cool enough to become the best friend of all your daughter's friends, you should try to get to know them better. Invite them to dinner. Have your daughter throw a sleepover or call her to go see a movie. Ask questions about their lives without being too pushy or nosy. Also, seeing what your daughter's friends are like and understanding them better will make you less nervous about what she does when she goes out with them. You will feel safer knowing it is in good hands.
If you don't like one of your daughter's friends, don't criticize her in front of her, unless you think she has a really bad influence. Otherwise, you will only push her to want to spend even more time with this person
Step 6. Help your daughter maintain a healthy body
The most intimate comment made by one of her friends, one of her enemies, or even you could trigger very sensitive reactions. Look for any signs of depression or traits of bulimia or anorexia, as these can be very serious. Many teens develop bad body image and eating disorders, and it's important to make sure your daughter eats three healthy meals a day and doesn't have a problem with food instead of punishing herself for it.
Never tell your daughter that it would be good for her to lose a few pounds. Unless she is obese and her weight is not really hurting her health, this is by far the worst way to make her feel good in her body
Part 2 of 3: Prepare for Difficult Situations
Step 1. Put safety first
You don't have to be bossy, but at the same time, you still have to make sure that nothing happens to your daughter. Invest some money to buy her a cellphone or ask her to help you save and buy one. In case she already has it, she can always carry it with her, especially when you need to talk to her. Tell her about potential emergency scenarios. For example, say something like, “If none of your friends can take you home from the party because they're all drunk, I'll come and get you. It doesn't matter if it's four in the morning. I'd rather take you than worry because you're driving with a drunk person”.
- Of course, your daughter will protest a bit if you are obsessed with her safety, but it's much better than not worrying at all and letting her put herself in a dangerous situation.
- As teens spend more and more time on the internet, it's important to encourage web safety. Talk to your daughter advising her not to engage in any online relationship with people she doesn't know and not to see in person absolutely anyone she met this way, unless she has a good reason to trust this individual.
Step 2. Let her out
There will come an age when she will have a boyfriend or girlfriend. You have to accept it, it doesn't matter what you think. In this case too, rules are applied that mix rigor and fairness. You need to be there for her throughout the relationship. While you shouldn't get in the way or ask too many questions, you should get involved and know what it does and where it goes.
- While it can hurt to see your daughter dating someone who might hurt her or take advantage of it, you need to help her develop the right intuition to recognize who is worth dating instead of telling her you think her boyfriend is a loser. If you try to discourage her from dating a certain person, she will want to be with him even more.
- Face it: It's unrealistic to stop your daughter from dating someone she likes. We are no longer in the Middle Ages, and the fact is that there is not much you can do to prevent her from hanging out with people she likes. You can't lock her in a room as if she were a princess trapped in a tower. One day, she will go to university or simply move elsewhere, and she will be free to go out with whoever she wants.
- Also, you don't want your daughter to feel a grudge for not letting her go out. If you don't allow her to do what all her friends do, which is perfectly natural at her age, she will resent you.
Step 3. Talk about sex
You need to feel comfortable mentioning it, even if she gets upset and embarrassed (or if this happens to you too!). Don't panic when you have to talk to her about safe sex and pregnancy, this message is important. However, don't do it when her friends are around. Don't be too retrograde with your principles, as this will only increase his risk of rebellion.
- Undoubtedly, it is far preferable to talk to her about safe sex rather than letting her put herself in danger. She stresses the importance of having sex only when she is ready, that she shouldn't be persuaded by a guy to go further if that's not what she wants.
- Of course, everyone would feel better if their teen daughters were virgins. But the average age of loss of virginity is around 16, so it is better to discuss the importance of having safe sex and maybe even taking the contraceptive pill than preaching abstinence.
Step 4. Prepare her for menstruation
At some point she will start to have her period, and you should have tampons and pads ready for her. As with sex, don't be afraid to talk about your period before the time comes. You definitely don't want him to get scared at the sight of blood, not knowing what it is. Talk to her about the pains and cravings and give her access to books and websites, which will further explain this experience to her. Many girls start having periods when they are pre-adolescents, so you should prepare yourself for it even before the onset of adolescence, especially if it is developing quickly.
Step 5. Learn how to manage mood swings
Yelling at her in her particularly difficult times won't help you at all. Let his emotions flow, because he can't do anything about it. As with a postmenopausal woman, your daughter will experience many emotional changes, and it's important to be patient and understand that she may not always be the happy, carefree little girl you remembered. But know that the situation will improve and that your daughter will not always feel this way.
- Be patient with her and let her know she won't always feel this way. Similarly though, don't stress so much that he will go through a lot of hormonal changes, or he might say "It's not the hormones!" and get defensive, insisting that she feels this way because things aren't right for her.
- Remember that, while it is important to resolve conflicts with your daughter, it is also important to choose your battles. If you fight and argue with her over every little thing, especially when she is sad, you will develop a combative relationship and she will not want to go to you when she has problems because she will only expect you to argue bitterly.
Step 6. Talk to her about smoking, drugs and alcohol
You may have your own personal views on smoking and drugs, but you need to keep in mind the best interest in protecting your daughter's health when setting rules on them. Discuss with her the danger of these substances and explain to her that she should avoid drinking as much as possible if she is not yet of legal age, because people her age can behave very, very irresponsibly under the effects of alcohol. In any case, realistically, many people drink before turning 18 and it is better to talk about healthy habits with alcohol instead of categorically prohibiting it.
- Make sure your daughter knows her limits when it comes to alcohol. Explain to her that she shouldn't have more than one drink an hour and that she should avoid concoctions and shots at parties, otherwise she'll feel bad immediately.
- You don't want your daughter to avoid alcohol and don't know anything about it until she goes to university and starts drinking like there's no tomorrow. He should be well aware of his limitations before he starts getting drunk with strangers.
- Also, explain to her that she should drink aware of the consequences when she's around guys and that she should never leave her drink lying around.
- You don't have to act like you were a saint at his age. If you had bad experiences with alcohol and drugs at the time and have learned your lesson, you can share all this with her (with discretion, of course).
Part 3 of 3: Be a Good Educator
Step 1. Don't try to be a cool parent at all costs
Sure, you want your daughter to like you, but you shouldn't compromise your values or her safety. You can try to be understanding but still be steadfast at the same time. If it comes to you asking you to attend a party on a certain night, this can shock you. Whatever comes to your mind, don't say no right away; ask her for details on who organized the event and when and where it is. Provide valid and reasonable responses to her proposal, even if you don't allow her to go. This can be applied in many situations.
Of course, everyone wants to be seen as cool parents by their daughters. But that doesn't mean you have to compromise your expectations. Ultimately, once she's an adult, it doesn't matter that much what she thought of you when she was 16, but that she was raised the right way
Step 2. Be more than just an educator
It is important to establish rules, but it is also important to establish a relationship of friendship with your daughter - try as much as possible. Of course, although every parent wants to be friends with their daughter, this is not always possible. You can't be 100% friends with him, because your main role is to be a parent. That doesn't mean you can't have a fun conversation with her or have a happy night together. Make sure that you do not consider yourself just an authority figure, but someone you can turn to in a moment of crisis or to share a nice experience.
It must certainly be said that this is a delicate balance. If your daughter is the kind of girl who says "My mom is my best friend," she'll be less likely to listen to you when you tell her she can't go to the party until her homework is done
Step 3. Determine rules
It is important to have some ground rules for your daughter, such as a curfew. However, many times you will be told "None of my friends have a curfew"; you will hear this phrase very often, but it is not true. Girls need boundaries, and leaving them out of the house can be risky. You can also consider setting a time for the lights to go out, not necessarily defining it as "time to go to bed". Teenagers need to sleep. He won't grow adequately or get the vows he should if he doesn't rest properly.
- On the other hand, don't be too strict with schedules, try to have some flexibility, so your daughter will respect you more.
- Make sure your daughter is well aware of these rules so she won't bother to disagree when you need to enforce them.
- While flexibility is necessary, it is equally important to be consistent. You don't want to be unruly or vague about the rules, or your daughter will never know what you want or expect.
- If you are married, then it is essential to agree on the rules with your wife. You don't want to be known as the strict or uncompromising parent: your daughter should understand that both you and your partner are on the same wavelength as to how you should raise her.
Step 4. Establish rules for calling her
While you shouldn't call or text her every two seconds when she's with her friends or boyfriend, you should make it clear how often you expect to hear from her. If she knows you'll be calling and texting every three hours, she'll be much more willing to cooperate. Find a balance between knowing where your daughter is and not being too annoying.
Step 5. Consider giving her pocket money
Not all parents do this, but if you opt for this method, then you need to carefully consider the amount. How much money will you give your daughter? Think about what he will do with it and his expenses; many times parents buy the necessary clothes for their daughters, but then the girls buy the clothes they really want but don't need. Be reasonable with money.
- You should also instill a work ethic in your daughter's mind. You can do a part-time or summer job to earn money on your own. He can't think that all the money will always come from his parents.
- Some parents give their children a set amount of money for housework, but not everyone does this. You may prefer that your daughter thinks domestic collaboration is only part of her commitment because the house she lives in is hers too, and that she shouldn't be paid to do the dishes or help out.
Step 6. Motivate your daughter with rewards, not threats
Teens respond better to rewards than to threats. So when you want her to clean her room, say something like "If you tidy up your room, you can go out on Saturday", instead of "If you don't tidy up your room on Saturday I won't let you go out". These sentences have the same meaning, however, the first will be much more effective. How a concept is expressed is everything.
Your daughter should consider you a person who gives her the opportunity to do things, not someone who forbids her from doing what she wants
Step 7. Lead by example
This doesn't mean you have to try to be an absolutely perfect parent. After all, we are only human. However, if you want your daughter to respect you and listen to you, then you need to demonstrate the behavior you expect to see from her. You can't scold her all the time if you tell her she should never raise her voice. You don't have to be rude, ruthless, or unpleasant towards people if you expect her to treat everyone with respect. If you don't want her to gossip, don't talk bad about your friends in front of her. If you want her to be kind to others, then model this attitude to communicate the right example to her.
If you make a mistake, it is better to apologize than to pretend that nothing has happened. Let your daughter understand that you are a mere human being and that you are sorry; that way, she too will be more likely to apologize when she makes a mistake
Advice
- Buy her a gift every now and then, but don't spoil her.
- Listen to what he has to say so he will trust you and speak to you.
- Avoid arguing with her.
- Try buying teen magazines to better understand her generation.
- Respect their privacy. Don't read her diary unless you're seriously worried about her.
- Don't act like you have two weights and two measures.
- Give her freedoms.
- Invite his friends over for dinner or to watch movies. Let her decide what movie to watch and don't walk into her room with an excuse to know what they're doing.
- Be a role model for her.
Warnings
- Never get to the point of being hated by her.
- Don't let her do dangerous activities.
- Try to trust her.
