Losing a family member is probably one of the most traumatic experiences to go through. The death of a brother or sister is accompanied by a series of thoughts and feelings that are unparalleled. It can be upsetting and confusing at times, regardless of your age. What is the best way to face such a test?
Steps
Step 1. Accept that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with it
You could be petrified and incredulous for a while. You may want to feel sadder, or you may have never felt worse. Maybe you want to scream and despair. Or lock yourself in a room alone. All of these are normal sensations and it's okay to feel this way. Don't pressure yourself to feel a certain way.
Step 2. Keep talking as much as possible about how you feel
It's not always easy to put into words, but try to tell people around you how you feel. Close friends and family members will want to help you, but they won't always know how, so telling them how you feel and how you want them to behave will help them understand how to help you.
Step 3. Be aware that you need some alone time
While it is good to continue to let off steam with others, you may need some time alone to process your thoughts and pain. You may find that going to a certain place helps you focus on your thoughts - it could be your sibling's special place, a resting place, a quiet park, or even your room. You may also find that writing down your thoughts and emotions helps you clarify your ideas.
Step 4. Put together some mementos or memorabilia of your brother or sister
This could include participation in the organization of the funeral, the choice of songs or readings. You might want to read something. You may not even feel like contributing to the ceremony and only later start collecting memories, without it being too painful. There are many objects you can make to keep the memory alive: scrapbooks, boxes, photo albums, poems, soundtracks … The more they are personalized, the more they will be useful when you want to spend time remembering your brother and the good times spent together.. You could also spend time on projects with other family members who want to help you - these projects may not have any correlation with your brother or sister, but they can still give you the opportunity to focus on something else.
Step 5. Remember that you are not the only one who is distressed
Other siblings, your parents, cousins, grandparents, friends, aunts and uncles will be affected by the death of your brother or sister in different ways. Remember this and treat their desires and emotions with the same respect you want yours to be treated. Quite often they may ask you how your parents are doing, and that can be painful and irreverent if people seem to ignore your feelings for the benefit of your parents. These people are only trying to be helpful and may feel uncomfortable asking you directly how you feel. But always remember that your emotions and your way of dealing with pain have the same value as anyone else's.
Step 6. Go on a journey with a therapist
This is a difficult problem to deal with and one should not be ashamed to ask for help. Many people find comfort in talking to people outside the family unit. From group meetings to one-on-one sessions, friend lines and forums, there are tons of places you can turn to if you feel the need. Your doctor will be able to advise you on the best solution.
Step 7. Explicitly ask not to be pitied
Compassionate glances from time to time are fine, but most people who have gone through such a traumatizing experience do not appreciate pity, contrary to what we tend to mistakenly think. If you make it clear from the start, people will avoid doing something they don't like.
Step 8. When you talk to someone, don't behave strangely and don't bring up the topic
These attitudes would lead to pity, which is something you absolutely don't want.
Step 9. Sad but not too sad
Don't wallow in self-pity.
Step 10. If someone gives you an item that belonged to your relative, keep it
Don't throw it away or get rid of it in other ways. Later, when the pain has subsided, you will crave for memories, and a gift that reminds you of your loved one will be fantastic.
Step 11. Give yourself a gift as a keepsake
It could be an album, a dedication etc. Always carry the loved one in your heart.
Advice
- Don't be afraid to cry.
- Know that you will never "get over" the loss of your loved one, as their memory will always be alive and you will always be sad to have lost them. However, over time, you will find the right way to keep remembering, but also to move forward. You will have happy moments again.
- Talk to the person you lost, as if they were next to you in the room. Tell him how you are and how you feel about his death. It's a way of communicating everything you didn't have a chance to tell him before he died.
- People want to help you, so always ask for help if you need it.
- There are many sites that offer advice and support. They can be sites of general grief, or specific sites for support for siblings of the deceased, or even specific to the cause of death of a loved one.
- Don't overdo the memories. For the first two days you need to be alone, without memories. Later, when you start to miss her, take out the albums of old photos you haven't looked at me and flip through them.
- Try to get on with your life. There is not much to say about this point: it is simple and speaks for itself. You have to stop hiding in the shadow of pain. Show the world that you can handle bereavement!
