Falling in love with someone can be more complicated as we get older and change relationships, bringing our past experiences with us. When a relationship has to take other children into account, it may be a difficult decision for you to make and you shouldn't choose lightly. Coping with someone else's children, especially when you're not used to raising children, can be an abrupt and disruptive change that disrupts your life, even if it can be truly rewarding. This article discusses the issues you must face before saying "Yes" to a man who already has children.
Steps
Step 1. Consider how you feel about the children
If you have never had children, what is the reason? Did the possibility simply not cross your mind or do you really want to have children? If you don't want or like kids, that's already a warning sign - you won't be able to dismiss or just ignore your boyfriend's guys and you won't be able to keep him away from his kids (at least, not if you're smart). On the other hand, if you like children, but there has never been a chance before, this is a positive sign.
Step 2. Consider how your children will cope with merging with a new family
If you have children of your own who still require your care, it is important to reflect on how you will facilitate their transition to a new family. It's important to let them spend time with your new man's children so they can get to know each other. This will also allow you to observe how they get along and provide you with an excuse to start a conversation with them later.
Step 3. Address any concerns you may have
The initial advice is that, if you have any doubts, it is not the right time to get married or maybe it will never be the time to marry. this man. These are the types of questions you need to ask yourself:
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Can I manage a relationship that includes children?
Decide Whether to Marry a Man With Children Step 3Bullet1 - Can I manage to become the stepparent to someone else's children?
- Is this something I will like in the long run (because this is long term)?
- I like kids? Do they like me?
- Can I deal with any physical or emotional disabilities that one of the children may have? Am I willing to take on the responsibilities that such care entails?
- Am I willing to take the time to educate, raise and raise these children as my own? Or at least to allow my man to raise his children and stay out of his way to do so?
- Do I agree with her parenting style and how will this affect me or my children?
- Is this love lasting enough to deal with the initial upheaval this learning to parent will cause to new children?
- Are there other sources of support to help me and my betrothed?
- Will their mother be able to help or is she sick, absent or dead? Or is she resentful and annoyed and will probably make this difficult for me?
Step 4. You must be very honest with yourself
Love does not overcome many demanding parenting agreements. You must be able to start this venture wide-eyed, expecting resentment from new children, your children (if any), and perhaps other people related to the relationship, including your ex-wife, grandparents and siblings. future husband.
Step 5. Examine the children first
While you may feel hopelessly in love and blissful, children can be cautious and even fear what's about to happen. Remember that his children were a part of his life before you came. And also remember that there is no need to be proud in making children feel "less important than" if and when you and your man choose to have your own child. There are a lot of very complex emotions and mechanisms that come into play, especially if your man is not the custodial parent of his children while your previous children are living with the two of you - when they come to visit you every weekend, it is very likely that they will feel not so much like guests, but more like intruders in the house. All the children born of your marriage will become their step-siblings - the former children may love their little brother, but they will resent you. You must be willing to face the problem, as well as to control your instincts to see her children as threats to yours. It sounds easier than it is in practice.
Step 6. Try to see how things work
It may be easier to test the waters by spending time together for a longer period rather than rushing to get married. Even living together might be an option for you if you feel like it. Time will offer you the opportunity to see if you can handle the situation and allow the children to see that this new arrangement could work, giving them time to get used to it. On the other hand, time may also reveal that it can't work, so be prepared for that possibility.
Step 7. Be sensible, not selfish
When there are children involved, the complexity of having a romantic relationship increases proportionally. Unlike when you were younger and children weren't part of the romance equation, romance is now surrounded by the need to consider what works for each person involved, not just the two people in love. Despite the romantic notion shown in films of great families that blend together, realities are much more difficult, more expensive, more prone to friction, more likely to fail. If it doesn't work out between you and this man, it's important to remember that you can still have a connection with (and love for) children who aren't yours - children who may still want or need you in their life. This is a lot of responsibility to someone else's children - someone else you may no longer want to deal with. You may come to a point where you need to distance yourself from this man and also from his children. As such, it is really important to be reasonable and not selfish in the decisions you make.
Step 8. If you decide to move forward, fully embrace the decision
If you have answered the questions, addressed the doubts and considered the possible challenges, you have done a difficult job of preparation. You must be aware that the road ahead will not be easy, but, if you have taken the time to create the foundations and are fully aware of what may present itself before you, it will be a journey filled with love, dedication and determination on your part. yours and your future husband who is bound to work.
Advice
- Remember that children have no choice, they simply have to deal with the decisions of the adults who are responsible for them. Think about how helpless you would feel in their position and act with care and compassion. Take care of them first of all. You can always choose what to do, where to go. They have to do as they are told.
- Spend a lot of time talking about these issues with the man you would like to marry. You are both equally responsible for a balanced, healthy and fully informed decision.
- Where possible, it is also important to involve children in making decisions about their future life. Listen to them and learn from them.
- Spend time in courtship getting to know children and remember that children can easily be bribed. A few small treats and a few favors can bear positive fruit as your relationship progresses. If you are attentive and thoughtful, you can find yourself conquering them without even wanting to. Listen to them and pay attention to their real needs and requirements. Respect teens as individuals, listen to their concerns and ideas. Guys are in an age of strong passions and deep convictions - make sure you draw a line between staying within your limits and trying to bend their will to conform to your beliefs.
- If you wish to have more children with this man, it is important that he is receptive before you get married and that you both have discussed the challenges this can present to existing children and to your finances, spaces and lifestyle. You must also take into account your age, the age of your potential spouse, and the age differences with existing children. While it may seem romantic now to want to have more children with this man, if that means that the children won't allow you a life with less responsibility until the age of 50 - 60, then the situation may not seem so rosy. It is necessary to address these issues in advance and not just "feel the love".
Warnings
- Don't force children to call your new man "dad", especially if their father is still alive, even if he's not involved in their life. Don't even force your new man's kids to call you "mom". Don't refer to him as "your father". You will confuse them. It doesn't matter if their other parent is a convict, a drug addict, a drunkard, or a careless idiot - your children and your man's will have complex and conflicting feelings about all of you at all times. Kids can love both of you and call you mom, dad, whatever - but that can make them feel like they're cheating on their parent. Don't insist - just let things happen naturally and at the child's pace.
- It happens too often that children from a previous marriage resent their new spouse heavily and vice versa. The difference is, as a new spouse, you have a lot more power than they do. Try to be kind and understanding.
- Don't believe that, in their eyes, you will instantly step into the parenting role. Instead, assume the behavior of a kind and compassionate friend. Don't try to educate these children - let your husband intervene on their children. For the same reason, you should take responsibility for educating your children, rather than handing over the parenting reins to your new spouse.
