Is it nearly impossible for you to say no to other people's requests, however unreasonable they are, without feeling guilty? Whether you can't do it with your boss or your sweetheart, you have a problem prioritizing your needs over those of others. You should say yes when you feel that this is a manageable task or that you are responsible for it, perhaps because you have to return a favor to a friend. But, if a "yes" always comes out of your mouth, here's how to change.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Reflect
Step 1. Recognize the fact that you can't do everything
If you always say yes to everyone (to your friend cooking for her son's birthday, your boss for the new project, and your sweetheart for painting the house), you get trapped without having time for yourself. How to avoid this situation in the future? By saying no.
Whether you can't do anything because you've said yes to too many people or because your life is super busy, tell yourself it's impossible to say yes when it doesn't feel good about doing so
Step 2. Tell yourself that you are not selfish
One of the biggest causes of guilt after a no is feeling selfish and believing that you have disappointed those who need help. However, if you were selfish, then you would only think about yourself, without feeling guilty for saying no to someone.
- If the person who asked you the favor unreasonably calls you selfish, they may not deserve your attention.
- Think of all the times you've said yes to people in the past: what's selfish about all of this?
Step 3. The truth is, you can't please everyone
It is practically impossible, therefore it is necessary to delimit the borders. You may feel like you are letting someone down by saying no, but you may also find that this action will change the way you are perceived by others - you will likely be treated with more respect and people will be less likely to take advantage of you by asking too many favors.
You can please the people you really care about, although not always, but you can't do it with just anyone without stressing yourself out
Step 4. Think about all the things you say yes to when you say no
No is not necessarily negative. When you say no to overwork, you are saying yes to so many other things that will benefit you. Realizing that sometimes no can help you, you will feel less guilty:
- You're saying yes to spending more quality time with your friends and family instead of doing something you don't want.
- You are saying yes to maintaining your mental health by giving yourself time for yourself, for your hobbies and for your interests.
- You are saying yes to a more relaxed and peaceful life, full of what it meant to you, not someone else.
- You're saying yes to a reasonable workload instead of burying yourself with the extra hours in the office because you can't let someone down.
Step 5. Try to understand why it is so difficult for you to say no
Don't you want this person to stop talking to you? Don't you want to give the impression that you don't care about her? Being aware of the cause will make it easier for you to rationalize the problem.
If you are afraid to say no because you fear the other person will stop loving you, then you are in a problematic relationship that you should get out of right away
Step 6. Understand the different tactics people use to make you say yes
If you recognize the manipulation methods that prompt you to say yes when you actually want to say no, it will be easier to get rid of the problem because you will know that your interlocutor is just trying to control you. Here are some tactics:
- Bullying. The bully continues to insist that you do what he wants, often aggressively. You can defeat him by keeping calm and not reacting to his tone.
- Complaints. The whiner keeps complaining about how complicated something is until you give in and offer to help without asking. In addition to changing the subject, avoid contact with this person for a while or tell them you're sorry, but don't offer anything.
- Sense of guilt. Someone might tell you that you never help and that you are never there when they need you. Calmly, remind these people of all the times you gave them a hand and deny the request. This time things will be different.
- Well done. The person who compliments you for something in return will say something nice to you and then ask you for a favor. Don't be tempted by flattery or do something just because you have been praised.
Method 2 of 2: Be Reasonable
Step 1. Express yourself in a calm, composed voice
Use the same tone you would use to ask to speak to someone on the phone. Be firm and clear. If you seem confused or upset, the other person will feel your weakness and try to take advantage of it. If you seem calm, your interlocutor will understand that you are reasonable and that a no is not the end of the world.
If you don't raise your voice or look upset, your interlocutor will be much more likely to accept the explanation
Step 2. Try to have assertive body language
Stand straight and keep your arms at your sides or use gestures to emphasize your words. Make eye contact with the other person as you say no. Don't fidget or fiddle with your accessories, or you'll seem insecure about your decision. Do not back away or cross your arms, or you will give the impression that you are not happy with your resolution and you will appear manipulable.
Step 3. Don't apologize too much
If you're sorry you can't work, just say it once, with no repetitions, to seem firmer. Otherwise, your interlocutor will think that he can still make you change your mind, and you will seem weak and feel worse because, by repeating the excuse, you will communicate the idea that you have done something wrong, and this is not the case.
- Don't say “I'm so sorry, but I can't take your dog out next weekend. I feel really bad”.
- Here's what to say: "I'm sorry, but I don't have time to take your dog out next weekend."
Step 4. Explain briefly, through a couple of sentences, why you can't do it, so the other person will understand that you are already busy enough on your own
Don't lie or make excuses. Be honest:
- "I can't complete the project tonight because I have to finish this relationship by midnight."
- "I can't take you to the dentist tomorrow because my husband and I are celebrating our anniversary."
- "I can't go to your party because I have a final exam the next morning."
Step 5. Present some alternatives to your interlocutor
If you still feel guilty and would like to help, you can offer them solutions. You won't give them a hand directly, but you will try to find a possibility that works for both of you:
- "I can try to finish the project tomorrow, but only if you can help me call some of my clients in the morning."
- “If you want, I'll lend you my car to go to the dentist. I won't need it tomorrow ":
- “I can't go to the party, but we can meet this weekend after my exam. Would you like a brunch? So you will tell me how it went”.
Advice
- If you don't respect yourself, neither will others, including friends, colleagues, schoolmates and family members.
- Don't be manipulated if you've already said no.
- Having integrity and self-respect is better than doing something unwillingly, but the person who insists you do something for them will try to make you feel guilty.
- If you said no, don't retrace your steps if the other person tries to get you to say yes.
- Sometimes you will feel alone while doing the right thing, but you are not!
- People will try to change your mind, but stand up for your choice so they will respect you more.
- When your integrity is at stake, it's harder and harder to argue for yourself. Do it anyway.
