Making someone feel guilty is an effective way to get them to apologize to you or give you what you want. However, if you succeed in your attempt, the other person is likely to resent you. If you decide to use this strategy, remember that the relationship you have is probably more important than getting a small win.
Steps
Method 1 of 2: Make Someone Feel Guilty to Get an Apology
Step 1. Ask the other person questions to get them to admit what they did
If he doesn't even admit that he was wrong, he will probably never apologize. Accusing her directly will usually lead her to defend herself, while you may be able to get her to confess by asking her questions. At the very least you could force her to tell a lie that you will be able to unmask.
- For example, if you've found out that your boyfriend has been with another woman, you can start asking him, "Why didn't you answer the phone when I called you earlier?" If he tells you he was at work, you can say, "That's not true, because I called your office too."
- If you know your teenage son took money out of your wallet, you can say, "Where did you get the money to go to the movies last night?"
- Be careful not to accuse a person of something they may not have done. By blaming an innocent person, you may be pushing them to actually perform the actions you accuse them of.
Step 2. Name other cases where she has misbehaved
Being a victim is essential to provoke a person's sense of guilt. Let her know that you are expecting a certain type of behavior from her by now and that it certainly isn't what you deserve. This method works best if you refer to episodes similar to the one you want an apology for, but you can talk about any attitudes that make you angry.
- For example, if you try to get an apology from your wife for her irritability, you can say, "This is not the first time you attacked me like this. Remember the other day, when you said…?".
- Use this method only if it is absolutely necessary, because the other person may respond by bringing up the reasons why you hurt them in the past.
Step 3. Make use of his feelings towards you
Tell the other person that what they did made you question how they feel about you. In some cases this may be true, especially if you are angry for a serious reason. Either way, make sure the other person feels like they need to show you they still care.
- You can say, "How can you tell me you love me and then lie to me?"
- You can also say, "You really hurt my feelings by forgetting my birthday. I don't mean anything to you?"
Step 4. Remind the other person of the good things you have done for them
This will make his behavior even worse. Try to think of recent and striking gestures, but use whatever comes to mind. You can also refer to episodes that have nothing to do with the current situation, as long as they are demonstrations of your quality as a person.
- If someone took something from you without permission, you can say, "After all I've done for you, how could you have stolen my money?"
- You can also say, "I guess it meant nothing to you to get my flowers the other day, as now you're just trying to fight."
- Or: "I've made you dinner every night for the past 5 years and you can't even remember to get your milk when you get home?"
- Using this strategy can lead to the other person feeling less gratitude in the future, because every time you do something nice for them, they'll wonder how long it will be before you reproach them.
Step 5. Reject all attempts to shift responsibility to you
When you try to make someone feel guilty, they will often try to do the same to you. Even if you were wrong, don't admit it. Instead, place all the blame on the other person's actions.
- For example, if you want your boyfriend to apologize for writing to someone else, he may be trying to make you feel guilty for snooping on his phone. In that case you can say, "Well, it looks like I had a good reason to be suspicious, don't you think?"
- Even if you lose your temper, you can say, "I wouldn't scream if you didn't make me feel so bad!"
- Refusing to admit your mistakes is an effective technique when trying to make another person feel guilty, but it is not a good approach to having a healthy relationship.
Step 6. Show your emotions more
If the other person resists your attempts to make them feel guilty, it's time to be more melodramatic. Scream, cry, stomp your feet, do everything you can and eventually she will be so desperate that to calm you down she will tell you whatever you want to hear.
Take advantage of the other person's emotions as well. He uses terms like "disappointed", "selfish" and "shame" to feed his guilt
Method 2 of 2: Get What You Want
Step 1. Emphasize your accomplishments and the good deeds you have done recently
When you are about to ask for something, start by pointing out your merits. The more the other person values you, the more guilty they will feel.
- For example, if you want a new phone, you can start by saying, "Hey dad, check out my report card! I got all 8 this year!".
- If you are trying to get someone to make a donation to your charity, you can list some of the activities you have done for the community.
Step 2. Appeal to the other person's negative emotions when asking for what you want
Sadness, pity, anger, injustice and shame are all powerful motivators. When you try to get something from someone, arousing a negative emotion in them can lead them to give in, because they want to replace that feeling with a positive one.
- For example, if you want your parents to take you out for dinner, you can say, "I was really hoping we could go somewhere and spend some time together as a family, but I guess it's not that important."
- If you want new clothes, you can say, "I feel embarrassed, because my clothes are not as good as those of other children in school."
- Use very strong terms like "always" and "never" to make your argument even more convincing. For example, you can say, "You always work and you never spend any time with me."
Step 3. Equate the thing you desire with happiness or love
Once you've appealed to the other person's negative emotions, give them a reason to believe that giving yourself what you want will make them feel better, as well as do you a favor. Use words like "love", "happiness" and "the best" to get your point across. This technique is particularly effective with parents, because for them showing love for their children is a strong motivation.
- For example, you can say "Don't you want me to be happy?" or "By helping me, you will feel better too!".
- Or try "Don't you love me?" or "If you really loved me, you would …".
- Remember that your parents really love you and that using their love for some small privilege is an unfair manipulation tactic. It can serve your purpose, but it can also make them angry.
Step 4. Keep asking for what you want in different ways, even if you've already received a no
Even the best strategy for making a person feel guilty doesn't always work on the first try. If you don't get what you want, let some time pass and try again in the future. If you are persistent, the other person will eventually settle for not having to listen to you anymore.
- If the first time you receive a no, you can say: "I know you said no, but try to see it this way…".
- You can wait a few days, then say, "I'd like you to reconsider and let me take the car this Saturday."
Warnings
- There are many positive ways to try to get people to say or do what you want. You should try to avoid using guilt, or leave it as a last resort.
- Never try to use guilt to get someone to have sex with you. This type of coercion is considered a form of sexual harassment.
- Avoid very elaborate lies and deceptions.
