Oppositional defiant disorder (PDO) occurs in children, affecting 6 to 10% of them. It is not easy for a parent to manage a child with PDO, as he may have the impression of fighting a perennial power struggle and not being able to find a harmony with him. In these cases, you need to understand the child and make the necessary adjustments in the way you deal with their behavior.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Understanding Your Child's Behavior
Step 1. Identify the symptoms of PDO
Children with PDO tend to exhibit some typical behaviors of this disorder starting from preschool up to early adolescence. Although all children exhibit behavioral problems, those with PDO exhibit a "frequent and constant pattern" of hostile and disobedient conduct. If you notice that your child has at least four of the following behaviors that cause problems at home, school, and other settings and last at least six months, take him to a therapist to see if he can make a formal diagnosis:
- He often loses control.
- Frequently argue with adults.
- Refuse to obey adult requests.
- He purposely annoys people and gets easily annoyed by others.
- Blame others for their mistakes or misconduct.
- He gets angry or offended.
- He is spiteful or vengeful.
Step 2. See if they are predisposed to victimhood
Often children with PDO suffer from victimization feel justified in punching a wall or attacking their peers. Remind your child that he has every right to feel angry, resentful and nervous. Even if he has actually been the victim of a situation, he could take a disproportionate reaction to the offense suffered.
Step 3. Discuss your child's reactions
If on the one hand he is justifiably nervous and agitated, on the other he must understand that he is responsible for his behavior and reactions. Nobody forced him to react in an incorrect or dangerous way: it was his choice. Therefore, you acknowledge that an unpleasant episode occurred, but that it was his decision to react in a certain way, even if he was wronged.
Ask him, "If someone gets angry with you, would you agree if they hit you? And if you're angry with a classmate, do you think it's okay to fight with them? What's the difference?"
Step 4. Recognize the need to dominate
Often children with PDO do everything they can to feel that they are in control of the situation. For example, if your child has beaten up his brother, you may start scolding him and still find yourself in a power struggle over something that has nothing to do with that situation. Instead of getting involved in this war, abstain. You can bring the discussion back to the problem that started it all or choose to let it go.
Recognize when the child fights to defend himself or if he stands up to a question of power
Step 5. Talk about the most constructive ways to handle difficult situations
It is not only necessary for the child to know how he should not react, but also to learn to react appropriately. Try explaining to him or even creating a role-playing game so that he understands the correct reactions he needs to adopt. Therefore, teach him to:
- Breathe deeply or count so that it calms down.
- Set boundaries, making his needs clear: "Please, I'd rather be alone" and "Please don't touch me."
- Speak in first person so as not to hurt the susceptibility of others.
- Reacting when someone does not respect their limits or their state of mind.
- Asking for help when agitated or confused.
Part 2 of 3: Changing Educational Methods
Step 1. Learn to communicate effectively with your child
When you try to communicate with him - whether it is a request, a reprimand or a praise - there are useful and profitable methods and others that impair communication to the point of triggering wrong behavior.
- Try to communicate calmly, clearly, and giving brief, precise explanations. Use direct language to express what you think and expect of him.
- Maintain eye contact and make sure your facial expressions, gestures and posture are relaxed or neutral.
- Ask the child a few questions and listen to his answers. Discuss what just happened, not the past behaviors they've had, and show a willingness to find a solution.
- Avoid lecturing him, yelling, insulting him, bringing up old problems, prejudging him or his behavior, and using negative body language.
Step 2. React without getting angry
While it is difficult to hide your emotions in certain situations, do your best to avoid losing control. Tell your child what happened, why he went wrong, and what needs to change. Decide what consequences he will face for the way he behaved. After that go away and don't get involved in any conflict.
If you get stuck, take a few deep breaths to regain focus or repeat an encouraging phrase, such as "I'm calm and relaxed." To avoid saying something you might regret, take some time before replying
Step 3. Avoid blaming
Don't blame your child ("He's ruining my life. I don't have a moment to myself because I always have to be careful to discipline him") and don't feel guilty ("If I were a better parent, my child wouldn't behave this way"). If these thoughts cross your mind, take a step back and analyze your mood. Remember that your child is not responsible for your emotional well-being, but how you feel is entirely up to you.
Take responsibility for how you feel and behave, and show yourself that you are a good example for him
Step 4. Be consistent
Inconsistency in education can lead to confusion in the child. If your child sees the possibility of getting what they want, don't think twice about getting it. He would be able to disable your defenses in order to get what he wants and not get rejection from you. When there is a conflict, react consistently. Be clear about your expectations and be steadfast in enforcing the rules.
- Draw up an outline of correct behaviors and their consequences so that they know what they will face if they act the way they do. Clarity and consistency serve to make them understand what you should expect from each other and what you would like from your child. Reward him when he is good and choose an appropriate punishment when he fails.
- If he tries to exhaust you, be clear. Say, "No means no" or "Do I look like the kind of father who changes his mind if you insist?" Try to answer peremptorily, saying for example: "There is nothing to discuss" or "I will not return to this point. The discussion is over".
Step 5. Correct your thinking
If you start arguing assuming your child is trying to annoy you or cause you a problem, you will be conditioned. It is natural to fight back when under pressure, even from a child. Don't expect your child to correct such behavior on their own because they need guidance. If you start to have negative thoughts about him, replace them with more positive ones.
If you think, "My child always tries to fight and never knows when to let it go," encourage yourself like this: "Every child has their strengths and difficulties. I know that by constantly working hard, I will help my child to acquire the skills they need to express themselves more effectively"
Step 6. Identify family and environmental stressors
Consider what kind of life your child leads indoors. Are there always fights or is there someone in the family who has addiction problems? Do you spend little time with your company, watch too much television or play video games for hours? Identify all the aspects, both the obvious and the more ambiguous ones, for which the home environment can negatively affect your child. Then try to change the situation.
- Consider limiting the use of TV and video games, having the whole family sit down for dinner, and see a counselor if your life as a couple is not happy. If someone in the house uses drugs or other toxic substances or suffers from a mood disorder, help them treat themselves.
- Other likely environmental or family stressors include financial stress, parental mental illness, severe punishment, constant relocation, and divorce.
Step 7. Help him understand his emotional state
Your child is likely to feel anger or frustration, but may not be able to vent these feelings effectively and constructively. If you notice that he is nervous, suggest how he is feeling by saying, "You seem upset about something." Also try to link your mood to that of others: "Sometimes I feel sad and, in these cases, I prefer not to talk and be on my own."
Explain how you can express your feelings. For example, say, "How do you know a person is upset or happy? How do you think an angry person behaves?" Talk about how your child lives and expresses his emotions
Step 8. Emphasize the importance and respect for limits
Make it clear that your child, like everyone else, has the right to set limits and make others respect them. By learning the basics of peace and harmony, he will understand why it is not correct to beat, push or kick people.
- Enforce other people's limits if necessary. For example, you might say, "Your sister said she doesn't want to be hugged, but just give her a five. It's important to respect her desire."
- Enforce its limits as well. For example, if another child plays with your daughter's hair, even after she asks him to stop, cast a stern look at his partner and tell him it's not fair.
Part 3 of 3: Seeking Help
Step 1. Start treatment as soon as possible
Children with PDO can improve. Studies have shown that 67% of these people diagnosed with the disorder will no longer have symptoms within three years of treatment. Therefore, the sooner you deal with and start treatment and any other concomitant medical conditions, the higher the chances that your child will improve.
Unfortunately, about 30% of children who are diagnosed with PDO develop conduct disorder (DC). It is considered a more serious disorder that can lead to antisocial behavior, including insensitivity to people or animals, fights, arson and / or coercion to sexual acts
Step 2. Find a therapist for your child
If you are having a hard time getting along with him, chances are there is some difficulty on his part as well. Even if it is evident that he behaves badly, it may be that he does not know how to adequately externalize his needs and desires. A therapist can help him understand his emotions and manifest them constructively, and process anger.
- Behavior therapy serves to help children unlearn negative behaviors and replace them with more positive ones. Furthermore, it involves the contribution of parents so that the new behaviors learned are respected in the family.
- Therapy can help the child learn to solve problems, put themselves in others' shoes, socialize and reduce aggression.
- See if your child's school or some other facility promotes a social skills learning program. In this way, he could learn to interact more adequately with his peers and improve academic performance.
Step 3. Deal with concomitant mental disorders
Often children with OCD also suffer from other mood problems or disorders, such as anxiety, depression, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. If you suspect your child has one of these disorders, make an appointment with a psychologist to discuss a possible diagnosis. A child shows no progress in OCD care if the concomitant disorder is not also treated.
Step 4. Follow a parenting and family therapy support program
Even if you have had less difficulty dealing with other children and their problems, you may feel disoriented in raising a child with OCD. Therefore, you will need to take a completely different approach. A parental education course can be useful for acquiring other methods that are more suitable for your family situation.
- You can learn to deal with your child's problems with different approaches, manage their behavior with different methods, and receive support from other parents who are struggling with their children.
- Family therapy can teach the entire family to interact properly with those with OCD and give each member a voice. It also allows the whole family to learn about this disorder.
Step 5. Listen to teens and adults who have suffered from OCD
Find out about how their parents have helped them and what they have to advise you. Since they have found themselves in your child's position, they can give you a clearer idea of how best to handle the situation.
Step 6. Join a parent support group
A support group can offer you help that no other facility would be able to. Getting to know other parents who are facing the same battles as you can be a relief, but also a way to unleash your difficulties and share everything that motivates you to move forward. You could form friendships with someone who is experiencing situations similar to yours, offer and receive help.
Also check out online resources, such as the Moses Center website and the Beck Institute
Step 7. Supplement treatment with medication if needed
Medication alone is not a suitable therapy for OCD, but it can help treat concomitant mental illnesses or reduce more severe symptoms of the disorder. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist and ask if drug therapy is the right choice for your child.
