Often friends have a fight. Usually quarrels are trivial and easily overcome, but sometimes small squabbles degenerate into more serious quarrels. To recover the relationship, someone has to take the first step. Take responsibility for your actions and apologize.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Keeping Calm During a Quarrel
Step 1. Don't lose your cool during a heated discussion
Quarrels between friends trigger a series of emotions, from anger to bitterness. While your reaction is entirely justified, don't let your emotions overwhelm you. By staying calm and quiet, you will avoid increasing tension.
- Stop, breathe deeply and relax.
- Move away until you regain control of your emotions. When you realize that you are letting your emotions overwhelm you, interrupt the conversation by saying, “I feel pressured, angry and hurt. Before I do or say something I might regret, I prefer to interrupt the conversation. We could continue when I have calmed down and have full control of my emotions”. This is called "taking a break".
Step 2. Do not take revenge when being challenged
Anger, frustration, and jealousy are devastating feelings. When we allow these emotions to cloud our judgment, our actions and words become destructive. While it is tempting to "pay for it", seeking revenge could jeopardize your chances of reconciling with your friend - or at the very least prolong the fight.
- Realize that your desire for revenge is a natural reaction to the wrong you have suffered. When someone hurts us, it is normal to become vindictive.
- Remember that you may regret taking revenge. When you seek revenge at all costs, your actions are dictated by anger and fear. When these emotions subside, the satisfaction of avenging yourself may be replaced by feelings of guilt and repentance. Remind yourself: "Getting revenge may seem like a good idea now, but afterwards I'll be terrible for hurting my friend."
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Know that you can control your desire for revenge. If you find yourself pondering your revenge:
- Remember that this instinct is simply a natural reaction to betrayed trust. You don't have to act on your negative emotions, as you have the power to ignore them.
- Tell yourself that meditating for revenge is rewarding, but implementing your plan won't make you feel better.
- Try to solve the problem without being vindictive, for example through dialogue.
- Practice radical acceptance - that is, learn to recognize your emotions and welcome them with kindness and acceptance. In this case, you have to acknowledge that people sometimes betray the trust of others.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 3 Step 3. Let it out in private, not on the internet
When you have a fight with a friend, it is normal to let off steam. Today, many people tend to find their outlet on social networks. However, flagging your frustrations or bitterness on social media from the rooftops will only prolong the fight.
- Share your problem with an intimate, neutral confidant.
- If your friend posts something on social networks, don't reply. You could at most temporarily block access to your account.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 4 Step 4. Try to look at the situation from his point of view
There are always two (or more) versions of any quarrel. While it's handy to convince yourself that yours is the real one, rigid thinking may preclude you from reconciling with your friend. Putting yourself in his shoes could help you better evaluate your side of the story.
- Remember, you don't necessarily have to agree with someone to empathize with them.
- Ask yourself if your friend is having difficulties in their private life, at school or at work. Do these difficulties justify his misconduct towards you?
- Evaluate how your actions could have hurt your friend. Did you do something that upset him? Did you betray his trust first?
Part 2 of 3: Talking About the Fight with Your Friend
End a Fight with a Friend Step 5 Step 1. Find the right time to talk to your friend
To be reconciled, you have to face the problem. Ask your friend to see you - invite him for a coffee, dinner out or for a walk by the sea. Your purposeful attitude will show him that you are interested in recovering your relationship. Insist that the conversation take place face to face, as, by being able to grasp each other's facial expressions and body language, you will not give rise to misunderstandings.
- If your friend isn't ready to meet you, don't put pressure on him. Give him a few more days to calm down and ask him again afterwards.
- Reject any proposal to discuss the problem over the phone or on social networks.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 6 Step 2. Stay calm during the conversation
When you and your friend meet, both of you may be assaulted by conflicting emotions. Your attitude could set the tone of the whole discussion. Don't let your negative emotions take over - yelling, aggressive or defensive attitude would only hinder reconciliation.
- Practice self-control. When you find yourself losing your temper, stop the conversation and take a deep breath. You may find it helpful to count to 10 or repeat a relaxing mantra, such as “I am calm, cool and in control,” until you have regained full control of your emotions.
- If you find that you are getting too hot, find an excuse to walk away and come back when you have calmed down.
- Take a moment to reflect on why you are angry and upset. Did you misunderstand one of his statements? Did your friend misunderstand you? Are you in control of what troubles you? Use this time to collect and organize your ideas - identify the source of your anger to clearly express what is bothering you.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 7 Step 3. Clarify your feelings and actions
When you meet your friend, don't try to apologize or blame him for all the blame. On the contrary, take responsibility for your mistakes and try to concentrate to express yourself calmly and rationally.
- Use first-person affirmations to identify and take control of your emotions.
- Try to be as specific as possible. "I got upset when you left me alone at the party."
- Avoid the word "you should", as well as the phrases "It seems to me …" and "I think …". These turn your first person statements into second person statements.
- Avoid raising your voice.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 8 Step 4. Allow your friend to freely express their emotions
Once you have clarified your point of view, let him speak. It may be difficult to hear his words, but try not to interrupt him. It is important that you feel heard and appreciated. Sit down and pay attention to what he says to you.
- While your friend is talking, put aside any distractions such as cell phones or computers.
- Maintain eye contact with your friend.
- Lean forward and tilt your head slightly to show that you are paying attention.
- Imitate your friend's body language.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 9 Step 5. Show him that you have listened and understood his way of seeing things
After listening carefully to him, put aside your point of view and the desire to be right at all costs and try to empathize with him. Seeing the situation from his point of view will make him understand that you were listening to him; you will also show him that you are ready to take responsibility for your actions and that you are willing to move on.
- "I understand how my actions have hurt you …".
- "I didn't realize I hurt you …".
- Avoid the word "but". The use of this conjunction indicates that you have not really understood the problem from his point of view. Therefore, replace "but" with "and".
Part 3 of 3: Apologize to Your Friend
End a Fight with a Friend Step 10 Step 1. Show that you are sorry for your actions
Begin your apology with a sincere "I'm sorry". Express your remorse in genuine, heartfelt words. Let your friend know that you are truly sorry that your behavior hurt him.
- For example, you might say, "I'm sorry my actions hurt you," or "I apologize for not giving you a chance to speak."
- A false apology will not solve the situation positively.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 11 Step 2. Take responsibility for your actions
You can't manage your friend's actions, but you are in full control of your behavior and actions. After admitting that your words and gestures, albeit minimally, contributed to the outbreak of the quarrel, you will no longer try to justify your petty behavior. Let your friend know that you are willing to admit your faults.
- For example, you might say, "I recognize that being late was an indelicate gesture", or "I know I have waited too long to tell you that I feel hurt."
- Don't add an excuse or justification to this statement. That way your apology would have no value.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 12 Step 3. Offer to make amends for your behavior
In addition to saying “I'm sorry” and taking responsibility for your actions, you also need to make up for your mistakes. Let your friend know that you intend to be forgiven, but make sure your promises are sincere.
- For example, you could promise him not to take the same attitude in the future, that you will work hard to express yourself better or to spend more time with him. You could say phrases like: "I will try to give you more time", "I will give more importance to our friendship", "I will pay more attention to your life and your problems" or "I will do my best to support you in times of difficulty or during changes".
- Make sure your promises are achievable.
End a Fight with a Friend Step 13 Step 4. Apologize to your friend and accept their reaction
End your apology by asking for forgiveness. When you apologize, use phrases like "Please forgive me" and "Can we move on?". If your friend seems perplexed, you can repeat that you take responsibility for your actions and will strive to be a better friend in the future.
- Your friend has the right to accept your apology or not.
- If he doesn't forgive you immediately, give him time and space to process your apology.
Advice
- Be honest and truthful when talking to your friend.
- Try to behave respectfully and be a good listener.
- Keep calm.
Warnings
- Avoid accusing your friend. Take responsibility for your actions.
- Sometimes, recovering a friendship takes several weeks.
- Your friend may not even forgive you.
