It's not easy to recover after finding out that your boyfriend lied to you. In fact, in the early stages of many relationships, white lies are told and truths are magnified as both people try to impress each other. However, if your boyfriend is constantly lying to you, you should learn to understand when he is not being truthful, think about the reasons why he is hiding the truth from you, and react sincerely and directly. If your boyfriend continues to lie, even after dealing with him about it, you need to ask yourself if your relationship has bigger problems than a few little lies.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Understanding When He Lies
Step 1. Notice her body language
According to behavioral specialists, people who lie have a tendency to hold certain attitudes that allow us to understand when they are not sincere. Look for these signs to tell if your boyfriend is lying to you. For instance:
- He may scratch his nose frequently, which may turn red. This is known as the Pinocchio signal and happens because the lies cause the cells to release histamine, causing the nose to swell and itch.
- It can also show signs of denial, for example by covering or blocking the mouth, rubbing or placing hands over the eyes, nose or ears. Additionally, she may avoid your gaze or orient her body and head away from you when she talks to you.
Step 2. Listen to her tone of voice
You may notice that your boyfriend's voice changes when he lies. In addition, he may stutter, take long pauses, or have an unusual intonation. A sudden change in the way you speak when mentioning a particular topic, person, or event can be a sign of dishonesty.
Step 3. Note his lexical and language choices
Similar to the Pinocchio effect that affects the body, your boyfriend may exhibit the same phenomenon in his choice of words. Often, people who lie have a tendency to talk more, in an attempt to cover up their lies or distract you from the truth.
- According to a Harvard Business School study, liars tend to swear more when speaking because they are so focused on lies that they forget to use proper terms and correct language.
- Your boyfriend can also use the third person when he lies, in order to distance himself from the lie he is telling. Also, to avoid attracting attention, he may try to change the subject quickly after lying.
Part 2 of 2: Answering His Lies
Step 1. Remember the three reasons for lying
Although people tell lies for various reasons, in general they try to hide things from others, to hurt others, or to appear better than they are. It may be helpful for you to reflect on the reasons why your boyfriend is lying to you.
If your boyfriend is lying to you to hide something from you, it can be helpful to return to the subject to reveal the truth behind you. If you're just starting dating, he may be lying to you to impress you and seem worthy of your attention. If, on the other hand, you feel that your boyfriend is telling you lies to hurt you, his attitude is a wake-up call: it indicates that your relationship has other problems that need to be resolved
Step 2. Avoid blaming yourself for your boyfriend's lies
If you have complained about his behavior in the past, you may feel that you are at least partially responsible, because you have led him to hide his bad habits or some attitudes. However, it is important to remember that it is not your fault that your boyfriend lies to you, because he is solely responsible for his own actions. Participating in an adult and mature relationship also means being willing to take on your responsibilities. Your boyfriend should be ready to take the blame for his own lies and you shouldn't feel responsible for his choices.
No one can be "forced" to lie: it is always a choice, for which people must take responsibility. Remember this when you face your boyfriend's lies
Step 3. Consider the context of the lie
If you catch your boyfriend lying or if you notice the unmistakable signs of a lie as he talks to you, think about the topic you were discussing that prompted him to hide the truth from you. For example, if you talk about an event that you have to attend together, he may back down at the last one. In other cases, you may notice something odd when discussing a colleague of hers.
- Reflecting on the context of the lie will help you understand why he felt the need to lie to you. That way, when you confront him, you can explain to him why you think he is lying and express your feelings truthfully.
- There are many reasons people lie to their partners, so it can be helpful to consider the most common scenarios that lead them to lie. For example, if you've criticized some of your boyfriend's bad habits in the past, such as smoking or spending too much money, he may lie to avoid letting you down or getting another lecture. In addition, he may try to avoid fighting or continue with his habit.
Step 4. Deal with it openly and honestly
If you've caught your boyfriend lying, you can't just expect him to always tell you the truth. You cannot control his desire to lie, nor his ability to do so. However, you can control the consequences of his gesture. By dealing with it calmly and clearly, you will be sure to control the conversation.
- Instead of saying "I know you're lying" or "You're a liar", you should give him a chance to be honest with you. Tell him, "I think there is something that is bothering you that you don't want to let me know. I think it's time to find out, so we can tackle the problem together."
- By doing this, you indicate to your boyfriend that you want to develop an honest and open relationship with him and that you are not accusing him of lying. On the contrary, you allow him to correct his mistake and admit his own lies.
Step 5. Talk about why he lied
Give your boyfriend a chance to explain his reasons, but be careful with justifications. He may have been hiding his behavior because he knew you would not approve of it and that you would be angry if you found out. He may also be hiding an addiction or personal problem he prefers not to reveal to you. Try to find ways to work on his problems together and try to help him deal with them so that he no longer feels the need to lie to you.
If your boyfriend is lying because he has an addiction or personal problem, you can suggest that he seek help from a counselor or support group. That way, they'll have the ability to deal with their problems without having to lie to you or anyone else
Step 6. Make it clear that you don't like it when he hides the truth from you
Once you've given your boyfriend a chance to be honest, give him time to think about his own response. If he admits he lied and tells you his reasons, you should tell him that you don't think it's appropriate to use lies in your relationship. That way, he'll understand that his behavior makes you uncomfortable, makes you unhappy, and you expect him not to make a similar mistake again.
Step 7. Consider the impact lying has on your relationship
At the end of the lying conversation, it can be helpful to take a step back and analyze your relationship. Even if your boyfriend offers good reasons for not being truthful, if he lies to you on a regular basis, his lies are likely a sign of more serious problems between you.
- You can ask yourself questions like: Does your boyfriend lie to you often? Do you find it hard to trust him? Have you dealt with him in the past about his lies and hasn't his attitude changed? If you answered "Yes" to all of these questions, your boyfriend's lies may indicate that your relationship is unhealthy. Is it worth it to be with someone who constantly lies to you?
- Frequent and constant lies can also indicate a potential personality disorder, which cannot be corrected with simple conversation. In that case, you need to think about whether you really want such a relationship right now.
