It's only natural that you love your girlfriend or boyfriend, but you probably want to take more space than the other party is willing to give you. Maybe he calls you whenever he needs something (which can be the order of the day) or takes your time, energy and money away. This is a rather difficult problem to deal with, as you probably fear hurting his feelings by saying you want to spend more time on your own. It is certainly not easy to find a balance between the time to spend as a couple and personal spaces, but it is possible.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Addressing Asphyxiating Behaviors and the Reasons Underlying
Step 1. Understand what makes a person nagging
Often, the partner becomes suffocating when he fears that the other person is about to leave him. Maybe it's a time when you spend little time with your sweetheart, you call her less or send her less text messages or you don't give her the usual reassurance as you once did. In these cases, fear of abandonment may emerge. Even if you don't have to continually reassure her, you can understand the behaviors and motivations that lead her to be suffocating.
If your partner starts worrying about being left, remind him that neither of you can predict the future, that you are both happy at the moment, and that the present is all you need to focus on
Step 2. Reflect on your experience
Sometimes we choose people for whom we feel a strong attraction, but who trigger very deep insecurities in us. This can also happen on the other side. Without you realizing it, you could be triggering insecurities in your partner that they have never harbored in the past. Keep in mind that such dynamics can lead a person to approach or move away. Even if you're trying to close your story, it might be worth addressing this issue together.
- Maybe you've had other nagging people in your life (like a younger sibling or an ex) and your current partner's behavior rekindles those memories, prompting you to run away from him. Before blaming them, think about your life for a few minutes.
- Have you had relationships in the past that you have clung to? What caused you to attack yourself in a morbid way and how did the other person react to your behavior?
- What makes you nervous when your partner clings to you and how do you react? Do you get angry, frustrated or walk away?
Step 3. Learn to identify manipulative attitudes
There is a difference between need and manipulation. In most cases, manipulation causes you to sacrifice something for the other person. A manipulator can use weaknesses against you, blame you, or imply that only you can help. Be careful not to be exploited, especially if you tend to be a generous person. Ask yourself if they really need and if their behavior is the result of manipulation.
- To manipulate you, your partner may engage in retaliatory attitudes when he doesn't get what he wants (for example, silencing you, not doing housework) or even threatening to harm himself if you don't please him. If you feel like he's punishing you when you don't comply with his demands or needs, he's definitely manipulating you.
- If you feel like you are being manipulated, pay attention to how you interact with your partner, especially when they ask you for help, money, or give up on something.
- For more information, read these articles: How to Recognize Manipulatory Behavior, How to Recognize a Manipulatory and Authoritarian Relationship, and How to Deal with a Person Who Tries to Manipulate You.
Step 4. Be patient with your partner
He probably can't hold back his need to control you. Remember all the things that make him an amazing person and that make your relationship great. Be patient and put yourself in her shoes, trying to understand why she feels this way. Perhaps in the past he has felt abandoned or there are aspects that you are unable to fully grasp.
When you are angry or frustrated, remember to be patient, loving and kind towards your partner and try to understand what they are feeling
Step 5. Imagine a healthy relationship
If you are trying to distance yourself, imagine a healthy and balanced relationship. If your partner tends to cling to you, invite him to imagine himself in a balanced relationship on both sides. This advice can be especially helpful when you are under stress.
To practice this exercise, set aside some time. Close your eyes and imagine what a healthy relationship could be like for both of you. Imagine feeling calm, focused, and happy at the thought of your relationship. What do you feel? What do you do together and each on his own? Then shift your attention and imagine that this is your relationship. Once finished, open your eyes and discuss it
Step 6. Assess if you are in a codependent relationship
A romantic relationship must benefit both partners, not just one. So, if you have the impression that those around you are overwhelming, is it possible that you are somehow benefiting from this situation or are playing their game? Among the signs that indicate a relationship of codependency are the inability to be happy without the other person, the obstinacy to be with someone even if they engage in unhealthy or destructive behaviors (such as drug abuse or alcoholism).
- Do you have a tendency to sacrifice yourself for your partner (emotionally, physically, financially) even at the cost of your health or well-being?
- Ask yourself if you are giving up your own needs in order to satisfy the needs of the other. This behavior can have immediate and long-term consequences.
- Ask yourself if you are truly happy with your significant other or if you are with her based on what you would lose if you broke up.
Step 7. Follow the rhythm of the relationship
Remember that there will be times when you will need affection and times when your partner will be a little more aloof. It is a development that romantic relationships normally know. When you love someone, you choose to love and support them despite the ups and downs, even when they affect your life. Remember that circumstances and situations can always change and that relationships are constantly changing.
Ask yourself if your partner is holding on to you as a result of a particular situation or event. If this is the case, you may need to accept his attitude in light of the fact that he may be transient and offer your full support. There will be times when you too need his support
Part 2 of 3: Discuss the Problem with Your Partner
Step 1. Think about what is bothering you
While it may seem simple, think about everything you can't tolerate. Are there situations in which it seems particularly suffocating to you? Are there any factors that you contribute to exasperating your relationship (for example, do you get nervous about her oppression when you are tired, stressed or frustrated)? What thoughts and feelings awaken when you think it overwhelms you?
- Do you tend to run away from relationships when they get serious? Or have you had a nagging partner in the past? Reflect on your previous experiences and think about whether they have any relation to what you are feeling right now.
- Try looking at things from your partner's point of view. He is probably afraid of losing you or feeling depressed.
- Try to write down what bothers you, when and why, so you can better understand how to express yourself.
Step 2. Tell the other person how you are with them
It is not fair for you or your partner that you suppress these feelings. Talk to him without hiding how oppressed you feel. Perhaps, not realizing what you are feeling, he will choke you unintentionally and, in the meantime, by keeping everything inside, you are beginning to harbor resentment towards him. Therefore, invite him to talk and gently let him know what is bothering you. It certainly won't be a smooth confrontation, but remember that you need to communicate to your partner what you are feeling.
- Don't accuse him of being asphyxiating, but kindly tell him, "It's important to spend time together, but it's just as important that each of us have our own life and pursue our interests."
- For example, you might say, "I believe that in a healthy relationship it is necessary to have a good time together, but also that everyone has their own space. I believe it is essential to cultivate my interests and friendships while I build a balanced relationship."
- Instead of just expressing your concerns, try to think about some concrete solutions to your relationship problem. You can find them in the next section of the article.
Step 3. Express your mood and everything that worries you
Maybe you will be tempted to blame your partner for all the blame by saying, "You make me feel…." or "I hate when you…". Avoid falling into this trap, as you could hurt his feelings or mortify him. Instead of blaming them or making accusations, let them know how you feel.
- You can start by saying, "There are times when I feel overwhelmed all the time we spend together."
- To indicate where your mood comes from, try saying: "My concern is…". For example: "I feel overwhelmed when you want to spend all your time with me. My concern is that a symbiotic relationship risks taking away many other good things in life."
Step 4. Be willing to set some boundaries
After you have clarified your point of view, set some limits with your partner for the balance of the couple. In theory, you should put them together by mutual agreement. If you're feeling choked, try suggesting a day a week you'd rather be with other people - it can be a day for friends, family, or personal care.
- You can set limits on the time you spend together, the times you call each other, the number of messages you send, and so on. You might say, "I like getting your text messages throughout the day and knowing you're thinking of me. However, I feel a little overwhelmed at times. Can we cut down on texting while I'm working?"
- Be careful about setting healthy boundaries. You don't have to get to the point of being in control or being controlled by your partner. Ideally, the limits you place on yourself will benefit both of you, give both of you some space and allow the other person not to rely solely on you.
- If he always asks for your help, set a limit on this point, otherwise you risk running out. While it's not wrong to make yourself available, this situation can take away all of your energy. Explain to your partner how he or she could handle it alone, reach out to other people, or deal with difficult situations without relying only on your support.
- Remember that limits help develop healthy self-esteem, they are not meant to push your partner away.
Step 5. Respect the established limits
Once fixed, the real test is to stick to them. Especially when you put in place a new system of relationship dynamics, the other person may get the impression that you are abandoning them and will do everything possible to find you or be with you. When setting boundaries, you also discuss how to respect them. Maybe you will need to put your phone on silent or turn it off completely, or say "no" more often. Remind yourself and those around you that you have set them to help you and that, therefore, you must stick to.
Of course, it's not a problem to reexamine some limits once you no longer need them
Part 3 of 3: Spending Time on Your Own
Step 1. Cultivate your hobbies
If you've found that you usually spend all of your time together, find a way to do something on your own. Maybe you want to learn how to sew but have never found the time, or your partner wants to learn to dance. Take this opportunity to deepen your interests without feeling compelled to involve the other person.
- Hobbies and passions allow both of you to make friends on your own while everyone is intent on their favorite activities.
- Among the interests you might pursue, consider hiking, skiing, knitting, painting, or reading.
Step 2. Hang out with your friends
Sometimes, when we are in love, we risk losing our minds only to realize a few months later that we are no longer seeing friends and family. Therefore, it is important to surround yourself with friends and hang out with them for your mental and emotional balance. If you have put aside your loved ones for a period of time, don't hesitate to bring them back into your daily life.
Organize a girl to boy meeting to spend only with your friends. Plan a weekend or a movie night
Step 3. Train
By joining a gym or joining a sports team, you can release the adrenaline, get your mind and body to work and sweat a little. Physical activity has benefits for mental, physical and emotional health, especially if practiced for half an hour at least several times a week.
In the gym you can find various types of courses. If you are interested in weight training, yoga, pilates or other gymnastics classes, take a trip to the nearest gym and see what it offers to members
Step 4. Test yourself
Commit to something you've never done, to grow into. It can be motivating, exciting, and challenging to have a goal and push it forward. Maybe you want to participate in a marathon or complete a rather complicated manual project. Find an electrifying goal and get to work.
