Every relationship is different, but most couples argue every now and then. Couples who stay together for a long time usually find a way to make up and move on. If you don't want to pretend that the fight never happened and wait for the tension to pass by itself, you can then learn to reconcile in an open and healthy way.
Steps
Step 1. Go beyond the pretext
There is a saying: "You are never fighting for the reason you think." You may think that you are fighting over money, sex, or something else, but usually you get a little bit of a feeling that something hasn't been fully expressed, maybe even something you didn't realize you were feeling. Recognizing the underlying reason for this feeling can help you calm down and make peace with your partner. Among the common feelings of many quarrels that can be identified are:
- Inadequacy. You feel like you aren't suitable enough and you can't believe your partner wants someone like you - at least, not for long.
- Fear of abandonment. You are worried that your partner will leave you - literally, perhaps you are lying to yourself or you are becoming emotionally distant. But being alone for some time after a fight is a good thing. This allows each partner to cool down and not say things hot.
- Feeling taken for granted. You feel misunderstood, perhaps used.
Step 2. Communicate what is most true to you in one sentence
Learn to practice nonviolent communication. Tell your partner something like "I feel scared when I see you talking to other guys", or "I feel angry because now I don't have the money to pay for this" gets to the core problem, and often helps your partner understand the problems. your feelings without discussing it.
Step 3. Take your responsibility
Did you make your partner angry? Are you trying to check the outcome of the discussion? Is it easier to get what you want by manipulating the situation than to ask directly? We all do these things in one way or another. If you can find a way to take responsibility in the discussion, without trying to blame or say that you or your partner did it wrong for it, you can open a whole new dialogue.
Step 4. Be humble
Sometimes, apologizing for something you did (even if you didn't "initiate" it) can disarm your partner and he or she will end up apologizing too. Something like, "This is not where I wanted to go, and I'm so sorry it happened. Can we stop the disagreement, step back and try again, only this time getting less angry?" Always remember: Don't apologize for the things you didn't do just to end the fight. Be honest.
Step 5. Forget it if you are right
If you want to win an argument this is the surest way to continue it. It is a dead-end situation and prevents you from real contact with your partner. There is an old saying: "Do you prefer to be right, or to be happy?".
Step 6. Let your partner learn in their own way
You can only control yourself and your pace of learning. If your partner doesn't follow your path, you can't force them to see things your way. There are valid reasons for both sides in any matter, and it is impossible to force someone to see things from your point of view. Whether it does or not.
If you're waiting for his apology, and your partner doesn't make it, consider forgiving him anyway. This kind of acceptance, if you don't do it in a condescending way, could indicate that you accept your partner's flaws, and that can help them be less defensive. For example: After briefly expressing how you feel (as described above), you can say, "I know you didn't want to hurt my feelings by forgetting our anniversary. I am still suffering from it, but I am willing to believe that it is not. you did it on purpose, and that you will try to remember it next time. OK?"
Step 7. Value your partner
The sooner you are able to experience some form of joy and lightheartedness, the better. Successful relationships have a five-to-one ratio of recognition and criticism. Actions that create sincere positive feelings help fuel the well-being of your relationship by finding and expressing a lot of things you really like about your partner and about yourself, and the way you are together. But if you're still feeling down about the whole thing, start with yourself.
Step 8. Set limits
If your discussion was a bad episode, you can make an agreement with your partner about the limits and conditions of your relationship. For example: "I agree not to call you by bad names." Or: "I'd like us to agree to talk about what's happening without yelling at us."
Advice
- Learn from the discussion. Is this a similar issue to the ones you have had with others? If you keep repeating the same arguments, it is because there is a way that you hold onto these issues without your realizing it. What can you learn from these problems? If you and your partner argue several times over an issue and cannot find a compromise (such as: one of you wants children, while the other doesn't), then you are not made for each other.
- Throughout the improvement process, remember to stay alert. Keep in mind that your only goal is to make things better and be happy again.
- If you always feel like the losing party, or if an argument often ends with you begging for forgiveness, even if you thought you were right, it's worth investigating. See if it is a manipulated or controlled relationship or learn how to recognize a relationship in which you are being plagiarized.
- Always listen to yourself, otherwise you will probably go back to another fight.
- Talk calmly and listen to each other so that the discussion doesn't happen again.
- If your partner says they would like some space and doesn't want to talk right now, give it to them and give them some time to cool down and think about it.
- Forgiveness is not a feeling, first of all. It is a choice that goes beyond feelings, it is an activity of the will.
- Don't bribe your partner sexually or in any other way. It solves nothing, and will likely lead to more discussions.
