After an argument, you may feel so angry or betrayed that the very idea of saving your relationship seems almost impossible to you. Yet, there are no couple relationships without contrasts. It is not easy to find a balance that allows you to face and overcome differences. Furthermore, the way you manage discussions with your partner can affect your story for better or for worse. Try to solve these problems so that together you can reap the benefits and move in the right direction.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Dealing with the Consequences of a Quarrel
Step 1. Take your distance
It's hard to see things as they really are in the heat of the moment or immediately after an argument. You will likely begin to notice all the other person's downsides and take each of their behavior as a gesture of defiance towards you. However, with a little detachment, you will have a chance to see the situation (and your partner) more clearly. Take a step back and try to put things in perspective. You may find that you have been too harsh or critical and have not taken your share of the blame.
Reflect more on yourself than on the other person. Is there something you are unable to examine, such as guilt, shame or fear? To what extent do your ghosts affect your relationship?
Step 2. Talk about the feelings that are at stake
Without arguing a second time, consider the mood, the circumstances, and any factors that have created communication problems. Specifically, talk about what you are feeling. How did you feel before you got into a fight? And during the discussion? Ask the other person these questions and explain clearly and openly what you felt.
- You probably felt tired, lonely, hungry, or disheartened before you quarreled. Maybe you were tense from work or study and took all your stress home.
- Perhaps during the fight you felt ignored, attacked, criticized, misunderstood, neglected, filled with fear, frustration or shame.
Step 3. Locate the missing pieces
Ask yourself what you overlooked during your bickering. There has been a misunderstanding? A wrong interpretation? Communication problems? How did your discussion turn into a conflict and how did it continue? Try to understand what led you to fight.
Think of a solution that will allow you to communicate more clearly in the future or prevent you from reaching hasty conclusions. What can you learn from the mistakes made during this fight?
Step 4. Accept your frame of mind
Put aside the topic that led you to argue and show respect and consideration for your respective feelings. Listen carefully when the other person talks to you. Avoid interrupting her by expressing your opinion or the way you see things. Instead, give her time to finish her speech. Don't be defensive and open your heart. Clarify your respective views on the situation, bearing in mind that no position is "wrong".
For example, if you've been in a fight over an economic problem, ask yourself if your partner has lost his temper out of fear that you might be short of money. Instead of discussing money matters, acknowledge and respect their apprehensions
Step 5. Take Your Responsibilities
Take your share of the blame. Whether you've accused your partner, been rude to them, or expressed yourself without knowing the situation well, admit it. Recognize if you have become emotionally withdrawn, felt dejected, stressed, or given little importance. Take responsibility for what you said or did, without accusing.
Tell him, "I know I've made our argument worse. I've been under tension lately from work and unloaded all my stress on you. I haven't slept well these weeks and, therefore, I'm nervous and short-tempered. This state of mind. soul has certainly favored our quarrel"
Step 6. Forgive
Forgiveness frees people of any resentment or unpleasant feelings. Resentment can act on a physical and emotional level and can negatively affect one's life.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or pretending that nothing has happened, but being willing to let it go and move on
Part 2 of 3: Correcting Bad Behavior Patterns
Step 1. Avoid entering the vicious circle of demands and rejection
This can be a fairly common relationship pattern among couples: one person raises a topic (such as house cleaning, money, or childcare) and the other immediately pulls back (for example, folds his arms or shows a total disinterest). If you notice these kinds of behaviors when fighting, learn to nip them in the bud. For example, if a rejection reaction is crossing your arms, see if you or the other person starts to do this and use a different approach. Give yourself some time to reflect and resume the discussion when you think you can handle the problem differently.
If you notice rejection behavior, try saying, "I don't want this discussion to turn into a stalemate like the other times. Let's take some time, think about what's going on, and then tackle the problem again."
Step 2. Express what you are feeling
Avoid blaming the other person. That way, you're just putting her on the defensive. "I was sorry I didn't meet you at the party last night" is different from "Why didn't you come to the party last night? Where were you?". Instead of focusing on the other person, focus on yourself. Admit your mood and express it openly. While it feels more natural to blame or throw accusations, communicate your feelings by shifting your focus to your feelings.
For example, if you are angry, don't say, "I can't believe what you did. You are so irresponsible and rude," but express yourself like this: "I feel really hurt and have a hard time understanding your behaviors."
Step 3. Learn to control yourself
Try to maintain self-control when you can't hold back your anger, start scolding the other person, or piss yourself over negative thoughts. Find a way to calm down and deal with unpleasant emotions as they begin to take over. Learn to have full awareness of what is happening by asking yourself if you have negative thoughts, what triggers them and how you give vent to the most hostile feelings.
When you realize that you are at the mercy of negative thoughts or feelings, focus your attention on the body. At what point do you feel the negativity? Can you relax that area? By relaxing physically, what results do you get on the mind?
Step 4. Change your behavior
It may happen that, more than the other person, he does not tolerate his attitudes. Don't think about who is "wrong" and who is "right", but focus on the behavioral patterns that are triggered. Surely you will have noticed that you fight more at certain times (for example, before going to visit your parents) or in certain situations (for example, when you have to pay the rent of the house or the mortgage payment). Instead of exasperating the other person, try changing your behavior.
If you see that you argue when there are dishes in the sink, try saying: "I have noticed that the climate becomes tense when you have to wash the dishes. I don't want to argue, so I wonder if we can find a solution"
Step 5. Recognize the differences
It is almost impossible to accept everything or to think the same way. Take note of the differences that exist between you and your partner, without criticizing or blaming them. Recognize that you can love him despite your diversity. Realize that you won't find anyone to get along with in all respects. Therefore, discuss why certain differences exist and how they affect your relationship. Since certain aspects cannot be changed, it is best to recognize them.
For example, if you have certain political ideas about the way you grew up, about what you experienced or because they match up with other personal beliefs, express them and give the other person the opportunity to do the same. So, accept those around you even if they are not the same as you
Part 3 of 3: Rebuilding the Relationship
Step 1. Build mutual trust
Trust plays a vital role in any relationship. There are various ways to develop it over time. When you suspect your partner is in trouble, try to get closer to him. Treat him in a kind, friendly, understanding way, showing all your empathy and avoiding getting defensive. This is especially important when you feel like doing something but feel like the other person needs help. In these circumstances, learn to support her and put your wishes aside.
If she seems sad, ask her what's going on. Show her dedication and trust with small gestures that lead you to be close to her and not ignore the most "negligible" events
Step 2. Confide your insecurities
Find out if there is awe in your relationship. One of you may feel ashamed of some behavior or try to embarrass the other during an argument. Do whatever it takes to eliminate the sense of humiliation from your relationship. If it exists, talk about it. Guilt and shame do not encourage positive attitudes or even change.
To address feelings of insecurity, guilt, and shame, talk about your concerns about your relationship. Offer your point of view and ask your partner for understanding
Step 3. Rebuild emotional intimacy
One of the most beautiful phases of newly born relationships is constituted by mutual knowledge, the discovery of affinities and the fact of becoming aware of sides of oneself never perceived before. Relive this time by talking and questioning each other. Confide your hopes, your dreams, the most mundane thoughts and even your insecurities.
Ask a few questions that allow you to open a dialogue or express your point of view. You might start with, "If you could know one thing about your past or future, what would it be?" or "If you had the opportunity to talk to an animal, which one would you choose and what would you ask?"
Step 4. Don't neglect physical contact
Come closer and fill the distance that separates you with a warm hug. Physical contact (which can come from a hug, a hand on the shoulder or intertwined with that of your partner) strengthens the relationship and nourishes understanding, but also helps to re-establish the couple's understanding and rebuild the emotional bond.
If you argue, don't neglect physical contact. Come closer and show your partner all your support, both emotionally and physically
Step 5. Consult a therapist
Psychotherapy is especially useful when arguing with your partner. It helps to deal with rooted problems in the relationship and interact in a healthier way. Couples therapy allows you to communicate better, resolve conflicts more effectively and improve the emotional bond.
