It is not easy to build healthy relationships. It takes time, effort and dedication. If you don't have a positive role model in life that can show you what acceptable levels of attention and affection are, you may not understand what reasonable limits are to be respected. It's hard to tell if you're too clingy, but by listening to the other person, objectively analyzing your behavior, and thinking about what to expect from a relationship, you will be able to find out.
Steps
Part 1 of 4: Evaluating Your Feelings
Step 1. Notice if you reveal too much, too soon
If you are clingy, you may feel the need to reveal all your feelings and your story as soon as possible, because you are afraid that the other person will abandon you at any moment. For example, you could tell a girl on a second date that you love her and want to marry her.
- You may also be revealing extremely intimate details from your past, instead of your feelings. For example, you could tell a colleague you just met that your mother died when you were six. It is not appropriate to discuss such private information with people you do not know well.
- Before you reveal any personal feelings or information, think about how you would respond to a comment if you heard it from the person you are talking to. If what you want to say seems strange to you, avoid talking.
Step 2. Notice if you can't make decisions
The clingy ones try to do the "right" thing, which is the one that pleases and satisfies the person they lean on. If you find yourself putting off decisions, whether they are as important as the choice of university or as trivial as the lunch menu, until you have consulted the friend or partner you lean on, you are too clingy.
Step 3. Ask yourself if you are afraid of being separated from someone
The clingy people bond very much with a person and are afraid of losing them. Think about how you feel about the person you might lean on too much. Do you always think about her when you are not together? Do you count the minutes left to see her again? Do you try to never let it go, so that you have it all to yourself? These are signs of separation anxiety, the fear caused by the idea that someone will abandon you.
If you always text or call someone, or if you always visit them, you are probably too clingy and afraid of abandonment
Part 2 of 4: Analyzing Your Relationships
Step 1. Notice if your relationships are fluctuating
In other words, look for cycles of emotional peaks and crises, where you and the other person get along great for a long time and nothing can go wrong, until things get worse for days on end. If you find yourself on this emotional roller coaster, you may be too clingy.
- For example, you could have a great day with your partner, where you have lunch together, rent a canoe, and take a trip along the river to enjoy nature. Later at home you snuggle up on the sofa and watch a movie. The next day, your girlfriend is to meet her friends who she had planned a dinner with many days ago. Your reaction is to cry and complain that he never gives you attention, even if you were always together the day before. Insist that she doesn't go with her friends and spend the day with you.
- Alternatively, you could insist on going out with her friends too. The next day, when you are alone again, you feel important, complete and happy again.
Step 2. Ask your friend if you are too clingy
You can address the topic directly or indirectly. If you'd rather be direct, approach your friend and ask him "Am I too clingy?". He may be surprised by your question and laugh or smile in embarrassment. If he can't answer truthfully, he may lie and tell you you're not clingy. If he's honest, he might admit that he finds you too clingy.
- You can try a less direct approach, with questions like "Do you think I'm a little overwhelming?" or "Do you think we spend too much time together?". These indirect questions can make you more discreet if a friend or partner finds you clingy. Notice if they make partial admissions, with expressions like "No, but…" or "Well, I think…".
- For example, a friend might answer an indirect question like "Do I bother you when I come to your house?" with a response similar to "No, but I think we spend a lot of time together". Even if he hasn't said you're too clingy, his partial denial should make you realize that something is wrong. Think of it as an indication that you are wearing too much on him.
Step 3. Listen to what your friend is saying to you
If a friend or partner asks you to spend less time together and set stricter dating rules, they are somehow telling you that you are overwhelming. Learn to listen to expressions of resentment or discomfort.
- Does your friend or partner tell you that you are too pushy? Who need more alone time?
- Do you sometimes get the impression that they don't want to be with you?
- Do they call attention to specific actions you have taken, such as when you showed up at your friend's house in the middle of the night or when you called your partner incessantly as evidence of your clinginess? If you noticed your behaviors in another couple, would you find them acceptable or normal?
- You may also get complaints about your clingy behavior from relatives or other friends. If they make jokes or comments that you are always with someone, you may be clingy.
Step 4. Identify behaviors of a friend or partner that indicate that they are unable to develop deep bonds
Do they have a tendency to distance themselves from people? Do they abruptly end their relationships? Do they seem to you that they gain power when they push people away? In this case, they may decide to walk away from you because they have been subjected to attempts of control in the past, or they have been rejected by people they care about and are afraid of suffering the same rejection from you. In this case, you are not clingy; the other person only has to deal with the problems that prevent them from getting close to you.
- For example, if a friend grew up with a parent who always wanted to know where he was, even as an adult and who gave him very little freedom, he may not be able or willing to let you in because he is afraid that you will manipulate and control him as. made her familiar.
- Alternatively, you might meet someone who has never received any attention from their parents. Because he is used to a relationship where his successes and accomplishments are not appreciated, he may feel uncomfortable with someone who gives him the attention and affection you never received as a young man.
- Don't assume you're too clingy just because someone tries to push you away.
Part 3 of 4: Become Less Sticky
Step 1. Familiarize yourself with stories where the characters take care of each other
In some cases, we fail to form secure bonds in childhood. Often this happens because our parents or whoever took their place were not good role models and were also clingy or in unstable relationships. By replacing your image of a secure, healthy, and acceptable bond, you will prepare yourself to create healthy relationships in turn, based on the patterns you have analyzed.
- The Hot Soup for the Soul book series tells true stories in which people form healthy bonds born of mutual respect.
- Fictional works in which characters form healthy bonds and important non-dependent friendships include The Avengers, X-Men, or Justice League.
Step 2. Make time for your hobbies
To avoid leaning too much on one person, try to distract yourself with healthy hobbies. Go for a walk, ride a bike, or read a book. Whatever you like, do it without the person you're too attached to. Use that time to discover your true passions.
- Pursuing your hobbies allows you to spend some time away from the person you are obsessed with, so you can become more confident.
- Pick up old hobbies or try new ones. Have you always wanted to learn to play the guitar? Now is your chance!
Step 3. Try therapy
Psychotherapy is the best choice for dealing with your addictive behaviors. A good psychologist will help you find solutions to your specific problems, such as clingy behavior towards a particular person. To prevent the development of an addictive relationship with the psychologist, it is not recommended to prolong therapy too much, although the specific duration of your treatment will depend on the situation in which you find yourself.
- Trust your therapist when he suggests that your therapy is sufficient. If you feel depressed, anxious, or insecure after treatment is finished, remember all the progress you have made and do not use those feelings as an excuse to prolong therapy.
- Group therapy can also be helpful. With this approach, you will be able to talk to other people who have had similar experiences to yours and share stories of sticky behavior with them. Listening and talking to others will help you deal with your problems, it will be comforting, it will make you feel less alone and more supported.
Step 4. Try the medications
Your psychologist can prescribe medication for specific symptoms in cases where your clingy behavior constitutes a true dependent personality disorder. Your therapist may not prescribe medications for you, but agree to follow that type of therapy if necessary.
Drugs are not a magic bullet that can clear all your clingy behaviors and negative feelings. You will be able to change the way you do when you understand that only you can change the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity you experience when you are with your friend or partner
Step 5. Accept your feelings but don't react negatively
When someone you trust and rely on pushes you away, it can be very painful. Realizing that you don't have the same feelings as you can make you feel betrayed, angry, humiliated, and sad. However, do not react negatively by yelling, throwing objects, engaging in violent acts or making a scene.
- Accept the other person's thoughts and words, then thank them for letting you know that you are too clingy. You are indebted to her for her honesty and can begin to improve your behavior.
- Apologize for being too clingy, even if you disagree. Try saying, "I'm sorry I didn't respect your limits as much as I should have. I hope you can forgive me."
Step 6. Try to understand why you are clingy
People who become too attached to others are afraid of being abandoned. If you notice signs that your interest in a friend or partner is waning, for example because they call or text you more infrequently, because you spend less time together or because you no longer feel the same emotions from them, you may get sticky. Fear of abandonment can change your normal behavior because you have a hard time regaining control of the situation and the person you care about.
Part 4 of 4: Developing Healthy Relationships
Step 1. Be patient with yourself and with your friend or partner
Your girlfriend will be frustrated if you are too clingy. She may feel overwhelmed by your affection and attention, or explain to you that you are overwhelming. Show your empathy by putting yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if someone constantly invaded your free time or insisted on calling you when they prefer?
- Be patient with yourself too. It can take time to become aware of your clingy addictive behavior and even more time to correct it.
- When you feel frustrated or disappointed because you can't cope with the feeling of loneliness or lack of the person you've been attached to for so long, remember that you don't need anyone to be happy. Repeat to yourself: "I am a strong, independent person and I will not put anyone at the center of my universe."
Step 2. Spend time with other friends
Being too attached to a person also means neglecting those who love you. Reconnect with family and friends who make you feel loved and valued. Spending time away from the person you've been so attached to can be a breath of fresh air for both of you.
- If you've lost touch with your old friends because you've spent too much time with one person, look for new friends on the internet or at work. Invite someone to eat out, go bowling, or go hiking in the mountains.
- Be careful not to substitute addiction on one person for another. If you feel like you're going through the same steps, try to stop and make sure you don't get clingy again.
Step 3. Accept the limits that your friend or partner imposes on you
The rules to be respected depend on the specific situation. For example, if you are in the habit of calling and texting all day, the person you are close to may ask you to stop doing it altogether. If you show up at her house uninvited, it may matter that you call or write before you arrive and make sure you have permission.
Step 4. Use your imagination to visualize a healthy relationship
Thinking about a functional personal relationship can help you trust each other more and feel more comfortable together. Take the time to ask your friend or partner how they envision the ideal relationship with you.
- If you are too clingy, imagine allowing your friend or partner to interact with others. Imagine accepting his decisions and respecting his independence.
- Encourage your friend or girlfriend to imagine these things as well. How do you see your relationship evolving in the future? What would they like to do with you? Are your visions similar or different?
