It can happen to everyone to feel uncomfortable when eating in the presence of other people. Whether it's a first date, a business lunch, or a family event, the feeling can be unpleasant and unwelcome. Thanks to a few simple practical tricks, to an inner work to work out the cause of the nervousness and to the application of your skills you will be able to eat feeling safe in front of anyone.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Practical Tips
Step 1. Take small bites
The goal is to bring small amounts of food to your mouth so that they are easy to manage. Thanks to this device, you will be able to answer any questions from diners; you can in fact chew quickly and swallow within seconds without making your interlocutor wait.
Step 2. Have the napkin close at hand
If the need arises, it could help you hide a small incident with food. If you find that your mouth is dirty, use it to dab the front and corners of your lips. This tactic will allow you to always feel tidy and clean.
Step 3. Don't order anything you can get dirty with
A dish rich in sauce or one that is eaten with your hands could put you even more in difficulty. Choose dishes that are easy to hold both on the fork and in the mouth. For example, you prefer short pasta to long pasta and cooked vegetables to raw ones; even a lean cut of meat accompanied by potatoes is an ideal choice. The important thing is that the ingredients can be cut into small pieces without creating disorder.
Accidents can happen. If the situation calls for it, don't hesitate to call the waiter to help you clean; in all likelihood, the dining room staff will know exactly what to do and will act very quickly
Step 4. Study good table manners
Several books have been written around this topic, numerous courses have been taught and many consultants have been hired to help people learn what the rules of table etiquette are.
- Choose the study method that suits you best, then immerse yourself in this new educational experience. The aim is to learn how to behave appropriately during the meal to be able to feel more comfortable. Once ready, you will feel proud to show off your knowledge.
- Table manners vary from culture to culture. Know the differences. If you are in a multicultural context, you may notice very different behaviors; this does not mean that others are wrong.
- When visiting a foreign country, study local manners to avoid confusion. For example, in some cultures burping at the table is considered appropriate behavior while in others it is considered rude.
Step 5. Practice good manners
When you are sure you know how to behave at the table, your self-confidence automatically increases. Mastering this skill takes practice, but since you eat several times a day, there is luckily no shortage of opportunities to practice.
- Eat while sitting in front of a mirror or take a video to evaluate your manners. Make the necessary changes and don't stop exercising until you feel comfortable watching yourself eat. When you are aware of what others are seeing, you will be less critical of yourself.
- If you have found yourself taking too large mouthfuls or speaking with your mouth full, simply review your gestures; observe the improvements you make feeling proud of having solved the problem.
Step 6. Teach others to feel comfortable
When you learn to master a technique, teaching it to other people helps you strengthen your skills and self-confidence. Not everyone has the opportunity to study good table manners, so many happen to feel embarrassed when they eat in front of other people; help them win your own battle.
- Avoid offering your help to those who don't want it. In many cases it is better to lead by example. For some, this may be a sensitive topic.
- When the occasion is appropriate, you can involve a child in a fun game that allows you to teach him good table manners.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Nervousness
Step 1. Use problem solving techniques to change for the better
Focus your attention on trying to overcome the uncomfortable feeling you get when you eat in the presence of other people. Tackling your personal struggles as if they were problems to be solved allows you to apply a "step by step" structure that can help you change. Generating creative solutions is a key element of "problem solving" techniques.
- Make a list of the things you'd like to change about how you react when you eat around other people. For example, maybe you'd like to feel more confident when ordering food, or maybe you'd like to have a nice conversation instead of constantly worrying about having a dirty mouth.
- Identify a possible solution for each problem on your list. If you already know the name of the restaurant, you can search the menu online to study it in advance; once there, order some simple meals to eat. If you get your face dirty, just wipe it off with a napkin.
- Once you have compiled your list with the problems and their solutions, put your signature at the bottom to testify your desire to improve. Ask a witness to do the same, his or her job will be to help you remain consistent throughout the change process.
- After each opportunity, analyze your behavior to determine if you could have done something differently; Also, compliment yourself on any progress you have made.
Step 2. Relax before, during and after meals
When you are quiet, everything seems easier to manage. The goal is to be able to calm down so you can enjoy the occasion rather than worry. Experiment with the different techniques proposed below.
- Before the meal begins, close your eyes, then visualize enjoying your food and conversing amiably with diners. Imagine the waiter offering you delicious food and notice how others are focused on their food instead of you.
- Remember to take deep breaths between bites. Doing so will help you relax and regain control if your nervousness escalates. As you breathe, tell yourself that with each exhalation you feel more relaxed.
- At the end of the meal, sit for a few minutes to develop a feeling of gratitude towards the things you ate, the company you enjoyed, and the whole experience you had. The purpose of this exercise is to increase the number of positive memories.
Step 3. Assess if you are unfairly comparing yourself to others
Often, negative self-criticism stems from a feeling of inadequacy that can be aggravated by constant confrontations with others. You may feel so unworthy that you don't want to subject yourself to other possible judgments about your behavior at the table. Work on improving your self-esteem rather than tearing it apart because you fear you might feel stupid, clumsy, or embarrassed.
- Don't let fear stop you from having happy moments in the company of friends and family just because you know you will gather around a table.
- Look in the mirror as you tell yourself: "You are neither stupid nor clumsy and you will not feel uncomfortable when you eat in front of someone, whoever they are."
- Question your perception of yourself. Perhaps you tend to judge yourself extremely negatively without having any solid proof that you would not be able to properly manage a meal with other people.
- Take your eyes off the other diners if you notice that you are judging them by how they eat. When you criticize others, you reinforce the belief that everyone judges you because you do the same. Fortunately, not everyone constantly evaluates the behaviors of others; you can be one of those who don't.
Step 4. Change your thoughts
In fact, thoughts can change feelings which in turn can change beliefs. To be able to feel comfortable eating around other people, you need to have more positive thoughts. Take a closer look at the ideas that populate your mind, if you notice that you have many negative thoughts it means that there is ample room for a change; focus on generating optimistic thoughts that replace those that are not.
- A thought similar to "Eating in public makes me anxious" could come from the feeling that everyone judges you while you eat. In turn, this feeling may reflect a negative belief in you: "I'm clumsy and there's nothing I can do to improve."
- When you find yourself criticizing yourself in an unfavorable way, stop and challenge those negative thoughts. Write down those criticisms in a journal for a closer look. Start observing what you say to yourself mentally when you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or awkward while eating in the presence of other people. Notice what thoughts you use to discredit yourself and how aggressively you turn to yourself.
- Do this in writing, then rate the intensity of your beliefs on a scale of 0 to 100. At this point, challenge your beliefs by questioning the evidence you use to support them. The purpose of this process is to learn how to evaluate yourself more objectively.
- Learn to accept yourself as you are. Identify your positive qualities, then write them down. Start by asking yourself what you are good at, what challenges you have overcome, and what positive attributes others recognize you. Maybe you are a very responsible, caring person or have very strong artistic or creative skills. Whenever you are certain that you have a positive quality, make an effort to assimilate it and never forget it. Do not minimize your strengths and do not put them aside by considering them irrelevant, they will always be important.
- Give up self-destructive thoughts and behaviors by taking action. Be the first person to congratulate yourself every time you finish a job successfully. Try to see your positive traits in the same way that others do.
Step 5. Use positive affirmations to prepare yourself for social situations
Become your biggest fan and always stay on your side. Repeat to yourself, "I can taste food and I am sure I will like it and it will nourish my body. I will have a napkin in my lap in case I need it. I have nothing to be ashamed of."
Step 6. Get the right perspective on the meal
Food is our fuel and every human being needs to eat to live. If you are able to remove the social implications and can see the act of eating as a necessary gesture to survive, you will feel the pressure go down. Every time you sit down at the table, change your perspective and consider it as a necessary moment to fill up with energy and nutrients for the body. You can't do the things you want if you don't have the necessary strength.
- Focus on the fact that you are doing something good for your health instead of worrying about how you look while you eat.
- Always evaluate the ingredients available to you to make a healthy choice. When the menu arrives you will be ready to choose a course that you are proud to eat because it is healthy.
Part 3 of 3: Exercising Your Skills
Step 1. Invite a close friend to eat out
Start your journey with small, easy-to-take steps. Your friends and family are likely to be quick to judge you, especially if you tell them that you are trying to improve the way you react when you have to eat in public.
- Ask the person to observe you and tell you if he notices anything particular about the way you behave at the dinner table. An honest opinion can help you make any necessary changes. Most likely, you will find that others have the same feelings of discomfort as you and that they appreciate your willingness to solve the problem.
- Be open to any suggestions, even if they are not related to feelings you have already experienced - it will still help you improve.
Step 2. Tackle difficult times with irony
Laughter can be a cure-all in many situations, laugh it off to find the good mood and don't take yourself too seriously. Feeling uncomfortable eating in front of someone is probably not the biggest problem you have. Life brings with it considerably worse challenges, so laugh it off and try to acknowledge every little positive element.
Go eat somewhere cheap. Go with a friend with the intention of being extremely sloppy and chaotic. Think of it as a game, go big, smear your whole face with food and have fun with everything on your plates, not just yours. The goal is to release the pressure attached to your worries by experiencing the feeling that comes with being wonderfully imperfect
Step 3. Let go of your inhibitions and eat
Inhibitions are restrictions with which you limit your way of being and your behavior; the resulting feelings are discomfort and oppression. People who have a positive attitude tend to have fewer inhibitions, which is why they start the process of change more easily.
- Face each meal with optimism and say to yourself, "I'm about to eat something delicious, so no one will be able to stop me from enjoying it. There is nothing to stand in my way."
- Feeling comfortable eating in public means having the chance to taste a whole world of culinary delights.
Step 4. Go on a romantic date with courage
The idea of going out for dinner with someone might make you feel anxious and nervous because you know both of you will judge each other to find out if you are compatible. In fact, the emotions might be intense, but you can use relaxation techniques and put your skills to work. You may have to talk or listen a lot, or you may quickly find a balance in your conversations; in any case, you will be prepared to eat feeling confident in your gestures.
- Just try to meet for coffee or a snack so you have time to gain confidence.
- If you go out for lunch or dinner, avoid foods that are difficult to manage or eat with cutlery, such as spaghetti, corn on the cob and spare ribs.
- Remember that you can have any leftovers packed up to take home, so don't feel like you have to finish everything on your plate.
- If you feel like your date is going well when you order dessert, it might be fun to share a single dessert.
Step 5. Throw a party when you feel ready
There will come a day when you will feel perfectly comfortable eating in the presence of one or more people. Your self-esteem will have strengthened and you will have the feeling that you can cope with any situation. You may not eat much during the party, but when you do it will be a positive experience.
Every social situation gives you the opportunity to improve and become more confident
Step 6. Seek professional help if you feel it is necessary
The discomfort you feel when you eat in public could be associated with social anxiety. If you are having serious difficulties or if you simply would like to hear from an expert, you can consult a therapist.
- Signs of social anxiety or phobia include an intense fear of social situations in which you may be judged, scrutinized, or embarrassed. Anxiety can come from the habit of mentally anticipating these situations. It is a disorder that can be successfully treated, you can discuss possible treatments with a doctor or psychotherapist.
- Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy is one of several forms of therapy that can help you fight social phobia.
- When combined with "problem solving" techniques, group therapy can also be very effective. The group could be focused specifically on social anxiety or even made up of people who wish to abandon other types of harmful behavior.
Advice
- Succeeding in changing can be tiring, but your efforts will pay off.
- You may be disappointing yourself, but it's important that you're the first to give yourself a second chance.
- Break the cycle of negative beliefs. If you find that the flow of your thoughts always leads you to feel inadequate, make an effort to start formulating different ones.
- Try to arrive hungry for your appointment, this way you will be more focused on food.
- Don't create unrealistic expectations, be kind to yourself when you feel in trouble.
- You won't die of embarrassment, even if you happen to spill an entire meal on yourself, someone else, or on the floor. Accidents can happen.
- Take a few moments away to go to the bathroom, then look in the mirror to see if you have food on your face or between your teeth. this way you will avoid finding yourself in embarrassing situations.
- Surround yourself with people who want to support you positively and avoid those who don't.
Warnings
- Do not let the problem remain unsolved, limiting your opportunities to meet others will prevent you from fully enjoying life. If you keep refusing invitations from friends, they will eventually stop inviting you; as a result you will feel isolated and may develop more serious psychological disorders.
- Let your best friend help you get through the tough times.
- If a loved one is constantly criticizing you, consider pushing them away; the implications of this decision could be very positive.
- If social situations make you feel terribly scared, worried, or anxious, see a therapist for help.
