Let's be honest, we are not always satisfied with other people. In some cases they do or say things that get on our nerves and deserve an answer. However, you should avoid being unnecessarily mean or cruel. Prepare yourself by thinking about the ways you can be cruel to someone and find ways to limit them. Also be prepared to react correctly in the course of a conversation, so that you don't accidentally say something you preferred to avoid. Changing your mindset is a good way to avoid saying bad things, becoming a kinder and more pleasant person.
Steps
Part 1 of 2: Think About Your Words
Step 1. Identify the hostile expressions you use most often
There are many ways we can be mean to others. These statements hurt people in different ways, but all of them can be cruel, cause distrust and anger. By identifying the phrases you use when talking to others, you can be more careful not to use them in the future.
- Personal attack. This vague term means all statements that define a person rather than express a specific complaint. They suggest that the other person is inherently bad or useless, and they do not solve any problems.
- Invalidation. It is another way of countering a person's opinion without replying directly, belittling his point of view or positions that do not even deserve an answer. Instead of replying to what you are told, you could say "What idiocy" or "You are saying nonsense".
- Challenge phrases. Similar to invalidation, respond to a person's opinion as unremarkable or as a pretext to show how stupid you think they are. The nastiest of challenging phrases include "How could you say something so stupid?" or "Do you at least know what you're talking about?".
- Sermons. In this case, respond to another person by scolding them and putting what they said in a bad light. It can be bad or offensive if you are talking to someone who is not your subordinate and therefore shouldn't get a similar response. Statements like "Did you know you were wrong" or "You're so immature" attack a person's behavior and make them feel reprimanded like a child.
- Threats of abandonment. In this case, suggest that the person you are talking to is worthless or at least not worth talking to them. Statements like "I don't care what you do" or "There's no need to say more" suggest that you are ready to leave and that the other person does not matter to you.
- Threats of exile. These are statements similar to those of abandonment, but more direct. Cruel statements like this are "Go away" or "I don't have time for this right now, just disappear." Instead of implying that you don't care, you actively push the other person away.
Step 2. Find positive things to say about others
When you are in a good mood, find good things to say about others, directly, to yourself or to others. Thinking positive helps you to be more understanding, more compassionate, and less inclined to use cruel expressions when you get angry. Also, speaking well of others leads them to have a better opinion of you and to treat you better as a result.
Step 3. Don't swear
Find ways to avoid these expressions. Swearing can make you feel better, but it's a lazy way to communicate. Also, the more you get used to swearing, the more likely they are to run away when you don't want to and maybe end up offending someone.
Step 4. Think about how other people view the world
In some cases, cruelty arises from a lack of understanding of the perspective of others. You can insult someone without even realizing it because you haven't considered their point of view. Remember that others see the world differently than you and find offensive things that may not be to you.
One way to follow this advice is to talk to a person who disagrees with you. Ask her what her beliefs are and make sure you listen to her response instead of fighting
Part 2 of 2: Talk to Others
Step 1. Calm down when you get angry
If you feel anger rising and are afraid to express it by saying something bad, find ways to relax quickly. Try taking deep breaths with your diaphragm to slow your heart rate, or find a way to think about something else right away. A good method is to repeat a simple mantra such as "relax" or "don't fidget", or visualize a relaxing experience.
Step 2. Make specific complaints only
Avoid generalizing about a person's work or activities. Using specific examples, you can give your interlocutor something concrete to correct. Vague statements about someone's character are often taken personally and hard to accept.
To make a specific complaint you have to refer to a moment, for example "You really make me angry when you behave this way" or "This was very selfish of you." These are more effective statements than more general ones about a person's worth, such as "Why do I waste time with you? You'll never understand" or "You only care about yourself."
Step 3. Explain what you are saying
In some cases, people are cruel because they respond too quickly. A short reply can be easily misunderstood, so try to dig deeper with an explanation. This way the other person will understand what you mean and won't have to try to guess it.
Step 4. If someone hurts you, tell them
By letting another person be mean to you, you can develop anger and resentment, eventually responding in a negative way. When someone is cruel to you, deal with them directly. If this is a person you see often, leaving a problem unsolved can only lead to an even worse situation.
Use first-person affirmations. A bad way to respond to someone who hurts you is to accuse them of misbehaving. He would probably respond with an accusation too. Talk about your feelings in a way that conveys your message in a more delicate way. Saying "I feel belittled when you talk to me like this" is much more effective than "You're rude" or "How can you treat me so badly"
Step 5. Don't talk to the person
If you are angry with someone and think you can't control yourself and say something bad, distract yourself with another activity. Find something that helps you not to think about negative feelings and make sure you are calm before starting a conversation with that person.
