Regaining trust after cheating is one of the biggest challenges in a relationship. When we trust someone, we are not afraid of being ourselves, with flaws and weaknesses, and we freely share hopes and fears. Ultimately, it is trust that allows us to give and receive love. But when our trust is betrayed, we worry and are always afraid of another humiliation. However, if the relationship and love have deep roots, it is possible to build trust again and relationships that survive obstacles, often re-emerge stronger and more rewarding.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Help Yourself
Step 1. Step away from the other person for some time if you haven't already
In order to regain trust in someone else, you need to heal yourself. Probably, the other person hurt you deeply. You will need to make the most of a difficult situation, but to do so, you should take some time for yourself.
- In the heat, your emotions can cloud your judgment. This means that it's hard to think rationally, and that you may end up saying things that don't help fix the situation. How you feel is very important, and is a key part of rebuilding trust, but it won't be productive if you don't walk away first for a while.
- It will be hard not to think about what happened, but try to do it. At least for some time. Do something so enthralling that you are captivated in the present - rent a lake house with friends, go rock climbing and sweat a little, or have a conversation with a stranger. For the moment, forget what happened.
Step 2. Don't assume the role of the victim
You are a victim of circumstances, but don't be a victim. Do you see the difference? The victim of circumstances understands that the betrayal of trust is an accident, while the victim thinks that the whole relationship - even the positive parts - are affected. The victim of circumstances wants to get over the accident; the victim wants to linger in the suffering the other person has caused her. Being a victim will pose an insurmountable obstacle on the road to rebuilding trust.
Step 3. Remember that all is not lost
Especially after a betrayal in a relationship, it is easy to think that your world has been destroyed and that you are in free fall, and that everything you believed in is no longer valid. It's a terrible feeling. But that's not the truth. If you know where to look, there is still a lot of light in your life. Remembering this simple fact can go a long way in regaining trust.
- Consider all the things you still have. Friends, family and health are three key elements that you probably still have at your disposal, even if the person who cheated on you has a connection with all three. Fall in love again with the luck you have.
- Try to look on the bright side of things. You might laugh at the idea that a betrayal can have good sides, but in fact it does. Here's the biggest one: You've learned a lot about the other person and yourself. If you decide to continue the relationship, you will need to use what you have learned to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Step 4. Don't do anything rash without thinking
When someone we care about deeply betrays us, one of the instinctive reactions is to try to punish them for the pain they have caused us. If your boyfriend is cheating on you, you will probably think about dating your ex; if a friend of yours lies to you, you will feel justified in lying as well. Try not to do anything rash without thinking first. Here's what you should think:
Ask yourself: Are you making a decision for yourself or to hurt the other person? If you're doing it for yourself, go ahead - you deserve it. If, on the other hand, you are doing it only to hurt the other person, avoid "evening the score". When you try to heal the relationship, these actions will be obstacles on the road to recovery
Step 5. Be more active in the social sphere
After taking some time for yourself to recover, rejoin society. Social contact is the best way to understand that life goes on. And even if no one forces you to move on and forget the past, talking and hanging out with people is a good idea to put things in perspective. Perspective helps you. Friends, colleagues, and even strangers can help you better assess your situation.
Listen to your friends, but take everything they say with some common sense. They probably don't know exactly what happened and will have a natural tendency to want to comfort you. Don't assume they know everything that's going on, or that they know what's best for your relationship
Part 2 of 3: Understanding What's Left
Step 1. Start evaluating your relationship
Even if the end of a relationship is always sad - whether it is a friendship or a love - in some cases the betrayal can make you realize that there are many fish in the sea. Analyzing the relationship in its entirety should help you decide if you want to regain trust in the person or if you should move on.
- What was the relationship like before the accident? Did you have fun and laugh often? Or did it always seem like you had to do all the work to carry it out?
- Did you feel listened to? Was your word as important as hers? Did you communicate freely and openly, or closed and coerced?
- Did you think you could really rely on the other person?
- Was the relationship balanced or unbalanced and not on your side?
- Did the betrayal catch you off guard, or, looking back, could you imagine it? Has the person previously betrayed the trust of friends and companions?
Step 2. Examine why you were in a relationship
This is another important exercise that will allow you to discover something about yourself that you should complete before deciding whether to try to restore trust between you. After all, if you were looking for the right things in the wrong place, you'd better leave that person and find another. It's hard to hear, but it's the truth.
- Are you in a relationship because you need someone to complete you? It could be a problem. Asking someone to complete you is giving them an impossible task. Only you can do it. If you are in a relationship to be able to feel complete, you should probably decide to be alone for some time.
- Do you want people to hurt you? Do you always hang out with the same kind of people - the ones who end up hurting you spectacularly and dramatically? You may subconsciously ask to be sick because you don't think you deserve more. Instead you deserve it. Improve your self-esteem and don't settle for the kind of people you know will hurt you.
Step 3. Rate your relationship
Sure, it will seem cool to give someone grades, but it is an effective and honest way to assess whether the person you were with met your needs. Besides, you deserve a five-star relationship, so make sure that's what you have.
- Identify the three to five things that are most important to you in a relationship. For some people, laughter and emotional support are among the most important needs. For others it is the intellectual stimulus.
- Using your rating system, determine if the other person meets your needs and is compatible with your values. For example, if the person shares all of your values and met all the requirements, except for the betrayal, giving them a second chance might be a good idea. If, on the other hand, the other person does not share your values but is generally a good person, the betrayal may give you an opportunity to move on.
Step 4. Examine the betrayal itself
Some people aren't really worthy of your trust. But in some cases, a mistake hurts us because it reminds us of a wound from the past. A calculated or premeditated betrayal is a clear indication that this is a person who cannot be trusted. On the other hand, accidental or uncharacteristic errors may deserve forgiveness. Consider the following:
- Was the deception calculated (marital infidelity, malicious gossip, or sabotage by a co-worker)?
- Was it an accident, such as a car accident or accidentally revealing a secret?
- Did the betrayal happen only once or did it repeat itself?
- Consider the circumstances. Was the other person going through a difficult time?
Step 5. Measure the severity of the betrayal
Was it mild, medium or severe? The severity of the betrayal is often an accurate indicator of the pain the other person caused you to feel.
- The betrayals mild they include blurting out a secret, telling white lies (the ones we say so as not to hurt other people), and a compliment to your partner that might seem to be for romantic purposes. These events are often accidental and incidents that do not repeat themselves. Generally, if you express your concerns, you will immediately receive a sincere apology and a promise that your feelings will be valued more in the future.
- The offenses medium they include gossip about you, always borrowing money and never giving it back, and continual disrespect. These attitudes reflect a lack of consideration and selfishness. It can be difficult to deal with someone who has no respect for your feelings, but in some cases, people just don't care. In some cases it is possible to talk about these attitudes and resolve the situation.
- The betrayals severe they include stealing a large amount of money, infidelity, reporting malicious or false gossip, and sabotaging your job or any of your businesses. These are calculated betrayals and those who commit them are aware of the pain it will cause. In these cases, you may need to seek professional help to save the relationship if you decide to forgive.
Part 3 of 3: Build Trust Slowly
Step 1. Focus on the positives of the relationship
If you have decided to forgive and move on, one of the best ways to let go of resentment, anger, and suspicion is to remember all the wonderful things the person brings into your life. There is probably a reason - and possibly many - why you stayed in the relationship. Think about these things when you start getting the other person back together.
Step 2. Try putting yourself in the other person's shoes
It's hard to do, and you don't owe it to, but it will help save the relationship if that's your goal. Try to imagine what led the person to cheat on you, directly or indirectly. Try to think about how the other person is feeling now. You shouldn't make decisions based on pitying someone, but showing empathy means holding out an olive branch that will help the other person a lot.
Step 3. Talk about the accident
Speak clearly about your feelings, and give the other person a chance to talk. At the same time, remember that asking for details can make you feel worse. This can make the healing process even more difficult.
- Discuss the event. Explain how you interpreted the event and why you felt hurt. Avoid using accusatory tones. Give the other person a chance to explain the situation from their perspective.
- Set your expectations and ask what is expected of you. This will help clarify the cause of the current problem, and avoid future disagreements.
- Don't expect to be able to talk about the problem and resolve the matter in one sitting. Tell the other person clearly. The healing process will take some time, and that person should be willing to talk for some time. If she's not ready to do this, it's a sign that she doesn't have the same interest in repairing the relationship as you do.
Step 4. Depersonalize the incident
Often, the attitudes that hurt have a lot more to do with the other person than with us. Instead of addressing their problems, people project them onto a close friend, family member, or partner. If the accident resulted from the other person's insecurities, help them manage the pain. This will help you interpret the incident with compassion and help you forgive. Here are some examples of behaviors that may have hurt you but aren't personal attacks:
- Mocking comments about your appearance that arise from the other person feeling ugly.
- A mate who flirts to feel wanted and not because you are not worthy of love.
- A super competitive friend who doesn't feel like you.
- A work sabotage by a colleague who doesn't feel like you.
Step 5. Try to keep a positive outlook on things
If you're afraid your relationship or friendship won't work out, but you want to try anyway, you'd better give up right away. If you decide to give it another try, you will need to be convinced of its success, not because you want it, but because the other person has earned it.
Don't live constantly in fear that the same betrayal might happen again. Try to get back to normal as much as possible. If you find yourself living in the shadow of betrayal all the time, it's a sign that it's time to leave the relationship - for your own sake and that of the other person
Step 6. We all make mistakes:
recognize it; and you too will have been forgiven in the past. Probably, forgiveness has given you the opportunity to be a kinder and more responsible person. Forgiving another person allows you to pass this gift on to them.
Advice
- Be independent - they may hurt you again, but if you know how to take care of yourself, your stamina will also improve.
- After your trust is broken, if you choose to continue the relationship, you will need to work together to make it work. The other person will have to do their part to make you understand that the suffering you have experienced is worth getting over.
- Show forgiveness by spending time with your friend or partner.
- Show renewed trust by sharing something important with the other person, such as a hope, a dilemma, or a responsibility.
Warnings
- Resentment damages your other relationships and doesn't allow you to create a new bond.
- Your relationship may no longer be what it used to be, but it may get better or worse despite your best efforts..
- Resentment increases stress, with the risk of having heart disease or contracting life-threatening diseases.
