It can be really daunting to plan a wedding and a life together with your fiancée if your parents don't appreciate it. You probably wonder how you can interact while avoiding negativity and heated comparisons. However, there are ways to deal with this situation. Start by responding to your parents' concerns, in agreement with your future bride. At that point you should try to reconstruct the situation, or, if that's impossible, figure out the best way to keep the peace.
Steps
Method 1 of 4: Addressing Your Parents' Concerns
Step 1. Ask your parents what their concerns are
If you don't already know why they don't like your girlfriend, you should ask. Once you understand their doubts exactly, you can do what you can to resolve them and improve the relationship between the two parties.
- For example, you might say, "Mom, Dad, I know you don't like my girlfriend very much. But I don't know why. Can we talk about it?"
- Alternatively, you can say directly: "Can you explain to me why you don't like my girlfriend?".
Step 2. Talk to your parents alone
It may be easier for you to convince your parents to overcome their difficulties with your girlfriend if she is not around. This will likely make you feel more comfortable and your parents will be more willing to talk openly.
- Don't hide your intentions from your girlfriend. You can tell her, "I'll talk to my parents about why they don't like you. I think it's best if you join this discussion later."
- Listen calmly and carefully to what your parents have to say. Find out if the problem is money, future prospects, attitude, past, beliefs or other factors.
Step 3. Talk about the situation as a group
Once you have discussed with your parents alone, or even from the beginning if you prefer, arrange a meeting between them and your girlfriend to clarify the issue. Communicating openly and sincerely about what is happening and the opinions of your parents can allow you to reach a peaceful and happy solution for all.
- Try to organize this meeting in a neutral place, such as a restaurant or park. In a public place it is easier to stay calm.
- You could tell your parents and your girlfriend, "We'll sit down at a table and talk about the situation so we can resolve it." Be calm but firm, saying that your wedding plans won't change and that a compromise needs to be made.
Step 4. Reassure your parents
In some cases, parents worry about their children's partners because they care about their happiness. Explain your decision and assure them that they have nothing to worry about. This can ease some of their worries and lead you to appreciate your girlfriend more.
- For example, you might say, "You raised me well and I hope you can trust me, because I have been thinking a lot about this decision. I know that I am making the right choice and that I am planning a happy future with my fiancée."
- Alternatively, you could say, "I know you want the best for me. If you give my fiancée a chance, I'm sure your feelings will change."
Method 2 of 4: Try to Reconcile the Situation
Step 1. Stay neutral
Don't take sides in the confrontations between your girlfriend and your parents. If you did, one party would feel betrayed and the situation could worsen. The best thing to do to ease the tension is to stay neutral and let both parties know that you care about them and respect their feelings.
- You can say, "I know there are difficult feelings on both sides. Let's calm down and step back."
- Don't get drawn into an "them or me" ultimatum; keeps saying "I love you both very much and I know we can find a solution, or at least learn to tolerate each other."
Step 2. Be honest with everyone
You may be tempted to give your girlfriend the impression that your parents like you or not to say that you are getting married. The best thing to do in this situation is to honestly explain what is happening.
- For example, you might say to your girlfriend, "I know you like my parents, but they don't love that feeling back. I hope they'll change their minds when they get to know you."
- Or, you could say to your parents, "I know you don't like my fiancée, but we love each other and are planning our wedding. I don't want your opinion to ruin our relationship."
- The truth eventually comes out, so it's best to get ahead and fix the problem before it gets too bad.
Step 3. Try to compromise
Your parents and girlfriend may never get along in love and well together. However, they can reach a compromise that suits everyone. Talk to those directly involved and try to come up with a plan where everyone can interact and become a family, without leaving room for negativity.
- For example, you might say to your parents, "I know you may never be able to fully accept Chiara. But we will soon become a family anyway, so we need to talk and find a way to solve our problems together."
- In some cases, it can be helpful to make your girlfriend better known to your parents; in others, it is better to limit contacts to situations where they are indispensable.
Method 3 of 4: Handle an Immutable Contempt
Step 1. Make your opinion clear
If you've tried to communicate and compromise, but there's no way for your parents to accept your girlfriend, you need to get respected. Make it clear that their disapproval does not change your feelings for your partner or your plans for a life with her.
You can say, "Mom, Dad, this is my decision and your disapproval won't change it. I'm sorry if you can't accept the person I love, but I love you too and I will forever."
Step 2. Modify your wedding plans as needed
When you dreamed on your wedding day, you probably didn't imagine your parents sitting on the sidelines with a disapproving look painted on their face or, worse, absent altogether. Don't ignore reality and don't expect everyone to be happy to meet on the big day. Instead, try to make changes to your schedule to limit unnecessary interactions or even take into account your parents' absence.
For example, if you are organizing a civil ceremony because your fiancée follows a different religion than yours and this bothers your traditional parents, don't try to force them to come. You can tell them, "Remember, the ceremony will take place at 2 pm in the town hall. I'll make sure I leave two front row seats for you if you decide to come. I really hope you do."
Step 3. Create a plan for managing family interactions
Once you are married, you will have to continue to manage the difficult relationship between your wife and your parents. As mentioned earlier, your best weapons are practical tricks, open and sincere communication. Be a peacemaker when necessary, compromise, and reasonably limit relationships if necessary.
For example, in some cases show up at family reunions alone, or make it clear that you will only stay for a while. You should also come up with an escape plan in advance in case the situation escalates quickly
Method 4 of 4: Coping with the Situation Together with Your Girlfriend
Step 1. Talk to each other
Do not try to ignore or deny the existence of the problem caused by your parents' preferences. Instead, use it as an additional motivation to strengthen the relationship you have with your girlfriend. Communicate often and openly about your feelings and concerns, listen carefully, ask for and offer solutions or support.
For example: "You've probably noticed that my parents' disapproval of you saddens me. Can we talk about it a bit and try to find solutions?"
Step 2. Show empathy towards your girlfriend
The negative attitude of your parents weighs on you, but it also impacts your partner. She will likely feel guilty for causing this rift between you and your parents. Make it clear that you don't think it's her fault and that you support and love her the way she is.
Look for signs in your partner of stress, guilt or sadness caused by the problem and also pay attention to the signals that you send her. Do you act like part of the responsibility is hers even though you keep saying "It's not your fault"? Talk to her and listen to her openly and sincerely
Step 3. Consider couples therapy
Family disapproval can destroy a romantic relationship, planting the seed of doubt or lack of trust. If you really want your upcoming marriage to be a success, don't be afraid to ask a professional for help in solving problems caused by your parents' opinion. Being determined to make a relationship work is a sign of strength, not weakness.
- Talking to a counselor can help you relieve the stress of the unpleasant reality of your parents' disapproval. You can also try stress reduction strategies with your girlfriend by doing physical activity, meditation, yoga, deep breathing or relaxing hobbies with her.
- Your psychologist will advise you whether to bring your parents to a session or two as well. In some cases an outsider can communicate better with them in this situation.
