Many people feel that their parents are too protective. If your father and mother are always monitoring what you do and pestering you with questions about your private life, you should find ways to communicate your needs to them productively. Try to voice your frustrations, set clear boundaries for your personal space, and ease the anxiety your parents are experiencing.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Communicating Your Frustrations
Step 1. Choose a safe place and a time when you feel peaceful
The first step in dealing with overprotective parents is to voice your concerns sincerely. To make sure the conversation goes as smoothly as possible, find a suitable place and time to talk.
- Choose an environment where you and your parents feel comfortable. If you still live with them, the living room or kitchen table may be fine. If you live on your own, choose a "neutral" place, such as a quiet café, so as not to give either party the advantage of "playing at home".
- Eliminate distractions. Turn off the television. Put the phone away. Don't choose a noisy place, like a pub or restaurant. For the conversation to produce results, distractions must be minimized.
- Choose a time when there are no externally imposed time constraints. For example, don't start a discussion right before business hours or late in the evening. Find a time when there is plenty of time to talk so that both sides have a chance to voice their opinion. The early hours of the evening, right after dinner, can be a good choice.
Step 2. Formulate sentences in the first person
During delicate discussions it is important to avoid blaming your interlocutors. Try using first-person affirmations, starting the sentences with "I have the impression that …". In this way, your words will let your feelings and emotions shine through, rather than the judgment you make of a certain situation.
- When communicating your feelings about the situation, make it clear that you are speaking from your point of view and that yours is not an objective assessment. For example, don't say, "It's really overwhelming when you ask me every five minutes how I am, when I'm out with friends." If you talk like that, your parents will get the impression that you are ignoring their point of view and that you assume you know what they think.
- Instead, try saying, "I feel stressed when you call and text me all the time when I'm out. I get the feeling that you don't trust me when you do this."
Step 3. Communicate your needs and wishes
Remember, you can't expect your parents to read your mind. During your conversation, it is important that you are as sincere as possible.
- What is the best outcome you can hope for in the conversation? Would you like your parents to minimize their phone calls when you are out of the house? Would you like them to ask you fewer questions about your academic achievements and your plans for the future in the world of work? How can they take a step back? Think about what you want before you start talking. Make sure you are able to present your needs and concrete goals to your parents.
- Express your wishes firmly, but with respect and without judgment. For example, you can say, "I'd love it if you could give me more space when I'm out with friends. It's okay for me to respect the curfew, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't text me and call me every half hour.".
- Express your appreciation for your parents. Overprotective parents simply try to love and keep their child safe, so they can learn to express their feelings more productively. Let them know that you appreciate that they love you and that they want the best for you.
Step 4. Don't belittle their point of view
While it can be very frustrating to deal with very protective parents, you can't take their opinion as insignificant. If you are looking to lead an honest and effective discussion, value their perspective.
- Feelings, especially those generated by anxiety, are subjective. Even if you think your parents don't need to worry that a cold could turn into pneumonia, allow them to give their opinion without judging them. Show that you understand that they care about their child.
- To understand your parents' point of view, you need to understand why they have certain feelings. Try to identify the problems that underlie their overprotective nature. For example, if they worry about your health, is it because one or both of your parents have lost a relative or friend to a sudden illness? Their fears are probably well founded, perhaps starting from their personal experiences. While it's not fair to let your parents' fears affect your life, understanding the root of their fear can help you cope with the problem in the future.
- For example, in Finding Nemo, his father Marlin lost his entire family, his beloved wife and his children; only a small egg was saved. As a result, Marlin is extremely protective of his only son, Nemo. Marlin's traumatic past has caused him an uncontrollable fear that something bad might happen to Nemo, so being protective is perfectly legitimate for him, even if it's not the best choice for the development of the minnow.
Method 2 of 3: Establish Healthy Personal Boundaries
Step 1. Make it clear to your parents when you need help and when you can get by on your own
Clear boundaries are important in the relationship between a parent and a child. To become an independent adult, you need to have the ability to make your own decisions and, in some cases, make mistakes. Together with your parents, try to set clear boundaries for your personal space so that they understand when you don't need their support.
- Almost all children, during the first years of middle school, want autonomy from their parents. Your overly protective parents may have a hard time giving you more freedom, because they express love for you primarily by caring for your well-being. Overprotectivity is often an involuntary form of control. You need to make it clear to your parents that you want a clear and well-defined personal space.
- Tell your parents what the appropriate behaviors are. For example, it is common for them to worry about your health, but they wouldn't help your emotional well-being if they reminded you of the latest health alarms every day. You can agree on a weekly phone call, but talking on the phone every day is a bit much.
Step 2. Limit your contacts if possible
If you live away from home, reducing contact with your parents can help. While having a good relationship with your parents is great, if they are being too protective you can decide to distance yourself from them to reduce their anxiety.
- If you no longer live with your parents, you don't have to tell them everything that happens to you. It might be best not to mention the girl you just started dating or the party you are attending on Saturday night. If such conversations always end with unwanted advice and a shower of questions, try omitting some details from your daily life.
- Your parents may resist your stance, but you try to find ways to discreetly avoid conversations. For example, if they were trying to pressure you to know more details about how you spent your weekend, you should make a brief summary and say, "I can't stay on the phone too long. I have to do my laundry today."
Step 3. Don't get sucked into negativity
Often, overprotective parents react negatively when their children try to distance themselves from them. They may resist your desire for autonomy - if they react negatively, try to avoid getting involved.
- If your parents have a tendency to make a scene, try to stick to your position. If they try to pressure you to rejoin the ranks by telling you that they care a lot about you, say, "I'm sure you will worry less over time," then change the subject.
- Find a friend to talk to about your frustration. By letting off steam you can avoid unnecessary scenes. By expressing your feelings to someone who is less emotionally involved in your situation, you will be able to get rid of negative thoughts and keep your temper with your parents.
Step 4. Have patience
Your parents likely won't change their attitude in one day, especially if they are naturally overprotective. Understand that you will have a period of acclimatization after setting stakes in your relationship and establishing new rules of conduct. Don't get too angry about misunderstandings and the return of some old habits. It may take a few months before your parents realize you need space and adjust to your independence.
Step 5. Determine which limits are most appropriate for your situation
If you want to distance yourself from your parents, you need to know what personal space should be given to someone your age. If you go to junior high, you can't expect to have the liberties of a kid who goes to high school or college.
- Remember, your parents want to set up rules to protect you and help you grow. Often, out-of-control children and teens secretly want a firmer hand from their parents so that they feel safe in their homes. Understand that your parents are acting in your best interest when they make rules you need to abide by.
- If you are not yet a teenager, it makes sense that your parents always want to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing. You should be willing to give them this information without hiding any details. In the years leading up to adolescence, however, you will likely begin to develop a desire for more privacy. For example, you have every right to ask your parents not to go into your room and not to rummage through your things.
- If you are a teenager, your parents will expect you to want more independence. You are about to become an adult and you may be thinking for the first time about a life outside your home. It is normal to wish that you could come back in later and have more freedom, like being able to drive out by yourself. Try asking your parents for such concessions, however, consider that arguing and fighting will only add to the stress on both sides. Ask for more freedom with respect. If you find the discussion getting heated, walk away and take a deep breath. Once you have calmed down, you can resume the conversation, calmly asking what your parents' reasons are. Try to reach a compromise and a situation where everyone benefits.
- If you are about to start college, your parents may have a hard time letting you go. It can be scary to watch your child enter the adult world. You have the right to ask that your parents do not call you every day and do not ask you too personal questions, for example about your love life or your social life. By talking to them once a week, however, you can keep their concerns under control, because they will know that you are okay.
Method 3 of 3: Reduce Parental Anxiety
Step 1. Consider the influence of anxiety on the behavior of your overprotective parents
Do they seem anxious by nature? Do they care about the little details of daily life and not just you? Many overprotective parents have pre-existing problems with anxiety that make them extremely alert about their children. Remember that your parents have your best interests at heart. Accept that anxiety, which they cannot control, plays a very important role in their attitude towards you.
Step 2. Show your parents that you are capable of making wise choices
If you want them to care less, show them that you are responsible. With small changes to your daily routine, you can help them understand that they have nothing to fear.
- If you live at home with your parents, ask for permission to go out as early as possible. Explain honestly who you will meet and how long you will be out. Your parents will appreciate your maturity.
- Be aware that adults often follow many of the rules that are imposed on you. For example, even for an adult it is not a wise choice to disappear and not let loved ones know where you are going. Adults who have healthy romantic relationships always communicate their movements to their partner. If you want to be considered a mature person, show your parents that you are responsible and trustworthy.
- Do your homework without your parents reminding you that you need to do it. Try to eat a healthy diet. Complete your daily tasks. Show your parents that you are mature and they will feel less anxious about your decisions.
- If you live far from home, try telling your parents about your successes and the little things that may indicate that you know how to take care of yourself. Did you eat a particularly healthy meal this week? Did you clean your apartment? Have you been among the best in your course this semester? Mention any details that make you look good on your weekly phone calls.
Step 3. From time to time, listen to their advice
Remember, in some cases, they really know what's best for you, are older, and have had a lot more experiences than you. If you're in doubt, there's nothing wrong with asking their opinion and hearing what they have to tell you. If they understand that you are mature enough to seek their help when you need it, they may care less about your decisions.
