Parents have the role of loving, guiding and protecting their children. They should help them grow and become independent individuals. Unfortunately, some people mistreat, abuse, neglect or abandon them. Not feeling loved by one's parents causes deep emotional wounds, sometimes even physical ones. The best way to overcome them is to accept that you cannot change a person, to learn to love yourself and to focus on yourself.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Develop Psychological Adaptation Mechanisms
Step 1. Talk to someone you trust
Sometimes it is enough to confide in someone to feel better. Open up to a trusted friend or relative.
- For example, you could turn to a close friend of yours to tell him how your parents make you feel. Choose a person you can talk to freely, who won't go and report anything to your parents as soon as you turn your back on them.
- Try not to be overly dependent on this person emotionally. You simply have to turn to her when you need to be heard. If you get to the point of calling her several times a day for reassurance, it's possible that you are developing a codependent relationship. If you find yourself increasingly dependent on others for approval, talk to a counselor.
Step 2. Look for a mentor
A mentor can guide you to make important life decisions and offer you lessons that your parents don't share with you because they don't want to or aren't able to. You can find someone to help you learn new skills to cope with difficult situations, be successful in school, or make progress from a business point of view. In this regard, try to reach out to a trusted and responsible adult, such as a coach, teacher or boss.
- If your coach or boss offers to mentor you, accept their help. However, you can also come forward with someone and ask them to mentor you. Try saying: "I admire everything he has managed to do in his life and one day I hope to achieve the same goals. But I don't know how to do it. Would you be willing to mentor me?".
- Try not to be too dependent on the mentor. Remember that he cannot replace your parents, so you shouldn't turn to this person for guidance that only a family can give. A mentor is simply an individual who can help you achieve your goals at school, at work, or in another specific area of your life.
Step 3. Get help from a psychologist
Learning to cope with your parents' behavior is difficult, so it may be necessary to see a specialist. A psychologist can help you develop coping mechanisms and start feeling better about yourself.
- If your school has a psychologist available, try making an appointment. If you don't feel like it or don't know how to explain your situation to him, talk to a teacher you trust.
- Try asking your parents if you can see a psychologist saying, "I've been having problems lately and I'd like to go to a psychologist to talk about it. Can you help me find one?"
- If your parents abuse you, remember that a psychologist will have an obligation to report it.
Step 4. Do not compare the treatment your siblings receive with what you receive
If your parents seem to prefer your brother, that doesn't mean they love him more than you. It is possible that they treat it with greater concern or effort for a simple situational reason. In most cases it is not even intentional, in fact it is possible that they do not realize this difference.
- Many parents do not deliberately try to make a child feel unloved, but at the same time they are unaware of the mental and emotional impact of their actions.
- Try not to think too much about the treatment your brothers and sisters receive. Instead, focus on the relationship you have with your parents.
Step 5. Try not to take it personally
It's hard to ignore criticism or negative words, especially when you know they're not true and come from people who are supposed to love you. Remember that your parents' behavior and words reflect their inadequacy and ultimately have nothing to do with you.
When they tell you something unpleasant or painful, try to reassure yourself by repeating: "I am a good person and I have many good qualities. My parents have personal problems, so they said / did this."
Step 6. Treat yourself with kindness
Some children who are abused by their parents treat themselves badly, for example by cutting themselves, taking alcohol or drugs, intentionally doing badly in school… All of this will not help you to get better in the future. Instead of hurting yourself, take care of yourself in the following ways:
- Eating healthy.
- Doing moderate exercise most days.
- Meditating.
- Avoiding smoking and taking drugs or alcohol.
Step 7. Replace negative inner dialogues by learning to love yourself
Those who grow up in a cold and detached environment are more predisposed to having internal dialogues marked by negativity and which can damage their self-esteem. To train the mind to have positive thoughts about oneself, one must replace negativity with positivity.
For example, if you keep repeating phrases your parents told you, such as "You are stupid if you can't understand this math problem", you might counter by saying, "Learning this topic is difficult, but if I work hard I can get good. results"
Step 8. Prepare a paper that teaches you to cultivate more positivity
It may be helpful to review any negative thoughts that keep you from loving yourself and write positive sentences to replace them. To get started, prepare a sheet with four columns.
- In the first column, make a list of your negative opinions, which may include the following: "I am unable to make decisions" or "I am not very intelligent".
- In the second, explain why you came up with these opinions. Did your parents inculcate them in you by telling you certain things or doing certain actions?
- To write the third column, think about how these opinions affect your emotions and your private life: are you depressed, withdrawn, afraid of trying new experiences and failing, afraid of trusting others or opening up to people, and so on? Make a short but specific list of everything you are missing out on because you allow yourself to continue to believe the negative image you have created of yourself.
- Then, in the last column, transform each thought to make it positive. For example, you could change a thought about your intelligence by writing, "I am an intelligent and capable person, I have achieved many goals using my brain."
Step 9. Get out of the house more often
Cultivating a pleasant and satisfying life outside the home will help you calm down, even if you have problems around the house. Finding ways to contribute to the world or participate in your community can help you rebuild your self-esteem and confidence, because you will focus on your well-being and happiness.
Try volunteering for a non-profit association, find a job you like, join a youth organization or join a sports team
Method 2 of 3: Staying Healthy and Safe
Step 1. File a report for sexual or physical abuse
If you are a victim, ask for help immediately. Talk to a teacher, doctor or psychologist, otherwise call the police or a child protection agency. Chronic abuse that lasts over time becomes increasingly difficult to overcome. No one has the right to inflict permanent physical or emotional harm on you, not even a family member. Get to safety as soon as possible.
- Call Telefono Azzurro at free number 114 to talk about your situation and ask what alternatives you have.
- If you think you are in immediate danger (or that another family member is in this situation), don't hesitate to call the police. It's okay to report a violation of the law, so don't worry.
Step 2. If possible, end the relationship
If you can walk away from an abusive parent, go for it. It's hard to give up on an important person, especially a family member, but your primary responsibility is to take care of yourself. If you think it's the right choice to make, don't feel guilty about cutting ties with your parents.
If you are unsure whether it is necessary to end any relationship, consider the pain you are going through and compare it to happy times. Dysfunctional parents sometimes prove to be affectionate (usually when they find it convenient), but receiving a crumb of affection only occasionally is not enough to justify a bad relationship
Step 3. Resist the urge to isolate yourself from your peers and other adults
You may think that avoiding interpersonal relationships altogether will save you from further suffering, but human beings need social interactions to live well. Children who grow up without the affection of a parent or similar figure tend to become less satisfied and happy adults, more likely to get sick. Keep talking regularly with friends and other family members, spend time with them whenever you can, open up to meet new people you can trust.
- Not all adults or people you love will end up mistreating you the way your parents do. Don't be afraid to give others a chance to love you.
- Prolonged loneliness can severely affect health, worsening or even causing ailments such as diabetes, heart and neurological conditions. It can even accelerate the development of a tumor.
Step 4. Learn to be independent
If your parents haven't taught you how to live independently after high school, ask a trusted adult to prepare you for the real world.
- Learn to budget, do laundry, and turn on the boiler in your first apartment.
- Calculate the costs of independent living and determine what you need to get started. Find a job and save to pay your first apartment security deposit and buy some furniture.
- Try to get good grades despite problems at home, so that you can get a scholarship. Ask the guidance office how to apply for it.
Method 3 of 3: Recognizing Toxic Parents
Step 1. Consider how they react to your successes
When parents don't approve of their children's achievements, then it's a toxic relationship. For example, they refuse to acknowledge the positive results, or they ignore them. Some parents may even ridicule them.
For example, if you get a good grade on a test, your parents should compliment you. If you are in a toxic relationship, they may ignore you, change the subject, make fun of you by calling you a nerd, or say, "So what? It's just a chore."
Step 2. Think about any authoritarian behaviors your parents may have assumed
It is normal for a parent to want to guide a child, but those who try to control their behavior can have a negative impact. Intrusiveness can have varying degrees of severity, ranging from small decisions (like what to wear to school) to more important choices (like which university or faculty to enroll in). If you think they over-control your decisions, it is possible that you are in a toxic relationship.
For example, a parent who encourages you to make your own decisions might ask you about the college you plan to attend and why. Instead, a parent who wants to control you will likely tell you exactly where you need to go
Step 3. Look for poor emotional attunement
Parents who have a healthy relationship with their children concretely demonstrate this emotional bond: they make eye contact, smile and offer expressions of affection, such as hugs. When a relationship is unhealthy, they are unlikely to have this behavior.
For example, a parent who has good emotional attunement with his child probably comforts him when he cries. Instead, a distant parent may ignore or scold him to stop
Step 4. Consider the boundaries between you and your parents
In a parent-child relationship it is important to define healthy boundaries. When the relationship is set up correctly, there is a clear distinction between one's life and that of one's parents.
For example, a parent who has set healthy boundaries with their child might ask him how his friends are doing, but will not insist on spending time with them
Step 5. Reflect on the emotional abuse you have suffered
It is another characteristic symptom of toxic relationships. If your mother or father insults you, denigrates you or hurts you deeply, you are a victim of verbal abuse.
- For example, your parents should tell you words that help you cultivate your self-esteem and make you feel good about yourself. Consequently, it is normal to suffer when they say phrases like: "You are useless!" or "I can't even look at you, go away!".
- Some parents are kind and reassuring one day, only to become rude and hypercritical the next. Remember that this behavior is still symptomatic of verbal abuse, although your parents aren't always rude to you.
Step 6. Identify narcissistic behaviors
Even parents so caught up in themselves that they completely ignore their children or treat them badly cause more than one suffering. If they always neglect you or only remember your existence when you do something they can brag about to their friends, then they have narcissistic and harmful behavior.
- For example, your parents should encourage you to pursue your interests. A narcissistic parent, on the other hand, pays attention to their children only when they have interests that could be a source of pride (such as telling their friends that you have won a scholarship, even though they have never asked you a single question about your studies and have encouraged even by mistake).
- Some narcissistic parents have a personality disorder (PD), with symptoms such as self-centeredness, refusal to accept responsibility, constant self-justification, asserting claims and superficial emotions. A parent with PD may treat their children as if they were a burden or an obstacle to their goals and usually controls them using emotional manipulation. Sufferers of this disorder are often hypercritical of their children and can mistreat them physically or endanger their own safety.
Step 7. Consider if you have ever assumed the role of your parents
Some parents are too immature or problematic (just think of drug addicts), so they can't play their role. As a result, a child ends up taking on certain responsibilities. Consider if you happen to have to fill this role because your parents are unable or unwilling to take care of you and / or other children. This includes tasks like cooking, cleaning, and looking after your brothers or sisters.
Sometimes parents ask their children to cook or clean so they can learn to be responsible. However, in a toxic relationship, parents push their children to take on various responsibilities in order to escape from their obligations. For example, a parent who is unwilling to cook or clean might shirk his duties and force a child to take on tasks that are not his or her own
Step 8. Judge behavior rather than words
Some children feel unloved even if their parents fill them with nice words. The problem is that these kids observe a discrepancy between what they hear and the treatment they receive. Don't assume you know what your parents are feeling without having concrete evidence.
For example, a parent who regularly says "I love you," but who often ignores their children, does not behave lovingly. Similarly, a parent who wants children to be more independent but never lets them make decisions is not consistent with their own words
Warnings
- Don't take your frustrations and pain out on others, brothers or sisters included. Being treated badly by someone is never a valid excuse to treat people badly.
- Don't adopt the same negative behaviors as your parents. Many kids internalize them and as adults they end up treating others the same way. Recognizing certain patterns of behavior, make an effort to periodically review your relationships to make sure you don't accidentally repeat the same mistakes.
