You and your parents belong to different generations, so it's understandable that there are cultural differences between you. You may also have wishes that contradict the view they have for you. To accept that they don't understand you, try to put yourself in their shoes. If you understand their point of view, you will be able to accept your differences better. From there, you have to work to avoid the conflicts that can emerge from those differences. You may feel better after telling your parents your opinion, but you need to know that you will often find yourself disagreeing. Finally, don't let their approval completely control your assessment of yourself. You have every right to feel good and at peace with yourself, even if your parents don't understand you.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Empathizing with Your Parents
Step 1. Consider your parents' perspective
You may get the feeling that they are unfair or that they don't care about you if they don't understand you. This is not always the case. Often, the differences arise from the generation gap. There may be good reasons why your parents don't understand you or your opinion.
- Your parents may have grown up in a culture with different beliefs. For example, your father's father was perhaps very strict. Your father may feel pressure to be a "good parent" due to how he was treated as a young man and therefore does not understand your need for freedom or autonomy.
- The lack of understanding on the part of your parents can also be caused by external factors that do not depend on you. If your mom doesn't always have time to listen to the social problems you have at school, think about what she's going through. Is she very busy? Are you stressed about work or having difficulties with your family? External factors may be preventing her from understanding you.
Step 2. Listen carefully to your parents
Listening is key to understanding other people, including your parents. If you want to understand where your differences come from, talk to them and really pay attention to what they say.
- Listen to everyday conversations. Even if your parents are simply complaining about work or a co-worker, what they say can give you insights into their values, strengths and weaknesses. When they talk to you, give them your full attention.
- Look at your body language too. Our movements can add hidden meaning to what we say. For example, if your dad waves his hands nervously and hunches his shoulders when he tells you he doesn't want to send you to the prom without an adult chaperone, he is nervous. You may think he doesn't understand how much dancing means to you, but he may just be anxious by nature and his concern for your well-being limits his ability to understand your needs as a teenager.
Step 3. Pay attention to feelings
When you listen, pay attention to your parents' feelings. If you understand what they are feeling and why, you can get some clues as to why they don't understand you. The more information you have, the easier it will be to accept that they don't understand you.
- Imagine how your parents felt when they tell you about their experience. For example, your mom might tell you about a friend she had as a young man who found herself with bad company and ultimately didn't finish high school. Imagine how she felt about what happened. Maybe he's afraid the same thing will happen to you.
- Ask questions to make sure you understand your parents' feelings. For example, "How did it make you feel losing sight of Laura? You were probably afraid. Do you have any regrets?"
- Try to understand how his feelings affect his behavior. Maybe your mom is stiff with you because of her bad experience with Laura. Her desire to protect you may not allow her to understand that you need freedom and autonomy.
Step 4. Read books and watch movies about the relationship between parents and children
The stories we see can help us a lot to develop empathy and understanding of the world. If you have problems in your relationship with your parents, read books and watch movies on this topic. Watching how other people deal with differences and misunderstandings in the family can help you overcome them in turn.
- Search for books and movies by theme. At the library, you can use the online catalog to sort books by topic. You can write "Parent / Child Relationship". On streaming sites like Netflix, videos might be grouped by topic.
- Ask friends, teachers, and the local librarian for recommendations.
- As you read or watch a movie, think about what the characters are experiencing and feeling. Look for the connections between stories and your life. How does the character deal with the fact that his parents don't understand him? Are there any techniques you can adopt too?
Step 5. Understand that your parents want to protect you
They rarely try to make you feel misunderstood. They usually try to protect you from the dangers of the outside world.
- Your parents might say, "There are rules in this house and that's it." You may think they don't want to consider your point of view. However, they may simply not want to explain certain risks to you.
- Your parents were also young and probably understand, at least in part, why their behavior makes you feel frustrated. As parents, however, their priority is to protect you.
Step 6. Learn to recognize the signs of emotional abuse
In rare cases, your parents' inability to understand you can be a sign of emotional abuse. If they always ignore your point of view in a hostile or inferior way, you could be the victim of abuse. Talk to a counselor before it gets worse.
- Think about how your parents talk to you. Do they criticize you very heavily, using insults to belittle you? Do they never care about your feelings when you express your opinion? They may use terms like "useless" to describe you or refer to you as a "mistake". Otherwise they might say "You're too sensitive" if the way they talk to you hurts you.
- Your parents can abuse you even by neglecting you. For example, they may not address basic needs, such as food, shelter, and safety.
- They may engage in violent behavior or threaten to harm you or a pet when they are angry.
- Emotional abuse is a bigger problem than just a lack of understanding. If you are being emotionally abused, you should seek help from other adults to deal with the situation.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Conflicts that Arise from Your Differences
Step 1. Talk when problems arise
If you and your parents don't get along, some conflicts are inevitable. You may often feel frustrated with these misunderstandings. When a conflict arises, talk about it. Find the right time and place to solve the problem.
- Choose the right time to talk. Remember that adult life is very busy, so make sure you know their schedules. Think about the times when they are usually free. For example, maybe at least one of them is busy on weekday evenings, while they are both home on Saturdays.
- Choose a place where everyone feels comfortable, free from external distractions. For example, the living room can be a bad choice if the TV is on. Instead, ask to sit down and talk at the kitchen table.
Step 2. Identify your problems and feelings
Before talking to your parents, think about your point of view. You need to identify the problem and the feelings it causes before starting the conversation. This way, you will be able to express yourself better.
- It may be helpful to write. Take a piece of paper and write down your problem. For example: "Mom and Dad won't let me go to a sleepover until I'm 12, so I'll miss my best friend's birthday."
- Now that you've identified the problem, write down your feelings. How and why do you think you are misunderstood? For example: "I have a feeling that my parents don't understand how important Sofia is to me. I want to be a good friend and go to her party."
Step 3. Express your point of view in a mature way
When you are ready to talk about the problem, do it with maturity. You won't settle the differences if you show angry. Staying calm, explain to your parents how and why you feel they are unfair and why you feel misunderstood.
- Express how you feel about your parents clearly, directly and honestly. There is no reason to hide information, because your purpose is to make yourself understood. For example, you can say, "I am sad that I cannot go to Sofia's party. It is important for me to be a good friend and it seems to me that you do not understand."
- As you speak, try to understand your parents' point of view. Why don't they want you to go to the party? Do they have good reasons?
Step 4. Don't complain
Avoid doing this when talking to your parents. Keeping your tone friendly and respectful will make it easier to communicate effectively. If they don't change their minds, don't scream or sulk. You can say, "I understand that you don't want me to go to the party, but I would like you to understand my point of view."
Step 5. Accept disagreements
If your parents don't understand you, they may never agree with you on some things. In these cases, it is important to accept the situation. If after the dialogue with your parents there are still some misunderstandings between you, try to accept it and move on.
- In some situations there may be room for compromise. For example, your parents might let you go to your friend's party as long as you come home to sleep. However, the same is not true for other cases. If you can't find a way to meet halfway, you can't help but accept the disagreement.
- Remember that you are an individual. You have thoughts, values and opinions that will not always be in line with those of your parents. You can follow their rules, especially if you live in their house, but remember that you don't have to agree with what they say. You have the right to see things differently from them.
Part 3 of 3: Accepting You Despite Your Parents' Disapproval
Step 1. Be proud of your strengths
Don't just rely on your parents' approval, especially if they don't understand you. Learn to feel proud of your unique strengths and abilities, even if it's not something they appreciate.
- Write a list of your strengths. This can help you assert your talents and social skills. Include character strengths, such as "I'm a nice person" or "I'm fun," as well as skills and talents. For example "I'm very good at math".
- Your parents may not appreciate all of your strengths and that's why it's important that you do. If they don't understand you, they may not even understand why some of your interests and passions are positive elements. It is important that you believe in yourself instead.
Step 2. Rely on the support of friends
You need to have a good support network if your parents don't understand you. Look for friends who can support you, who believe in you and appreciate your strengths. Do not associate with those who are negative and those who have a tendency to belittle others. A good group of friends can help you feel good about yourself, despite the negativity from your parents.
Friends can also help you if you are having a hard time with your parents. Talking to someone outside the situation can help you deal with it. Also, friends can give you tips on how to deal with parents who don't understand you
Step 3. Replace self-criticism with encouragement
You may become more critical of yourself if your parents don't fully understand your strengths. You need to work hard to silence the voice of self-criticism and instead focus on encouragement and love for yourself.
- Don't be ashamed of your flaws and weaknesses. We all have imperfections. Instead of focusing on these elements, pay attention to how your strengths counterbalance them.
- Think about how you have overcome some weaknesses or at least how you have learned to live with your flaws. For example, imagine you get a "7" on a chemistry assignment. Don't think "I should have done better, I wish I was smarter". Instead, think "I know I'm not good at chemistry. I'm proud to have studied and got a better grade than the previous test."
Step 4. Seek help if you are being abused
If your parents' lack of understanding has resulted in abuse, it's important to seek outside help. You have to be able to love and accept yourself for who you are and it can be difficult to do so when you are being abused.
- Talk to another adult, such as a relative or parent of a friend. You can also talk to someone at school, such as the school psychologist.
- You and your parents may need to attend therapy sessions together. It is important that they recognize their negative habits and learn to treat you better as a person.
