Almost any person could be calmer than they currently are. Calm people are happier and are able to help others calm down. You have most likely experienced a crisis situation in which you felt grateful for having a calm and reassuring person next to you. If you want to be a calmer person, you can practice one of the many techniques described in this article, for example by trying to meditate or to increase the hours of sleep.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Calm down in the Time of Need
Step 1. Stop and refocus the situation
At times when there is an intense burden of stress, anger or anxiety, the body tends to engage in the "fight or flight" mode. The sympathetic nervous system perceives the situation as dangerous and revs the body by increasing the heart rate, compressing blood vessels, restricting breathing and making muscles tense. When these symptoms appear, stop what you are doing (if circumstances allow) and focus on the sensations your body is experiencing. By doing this you will be able to control what scientists call "automatic reactivity".
- The human brain develops patterns of "automatic reactivity" to certain stimuli, including stressors. In practice, these are habitual behaviors triggered by the brain. In the presence of particular stimuli, such as an argument with a person, the brain activates a series of particular actions.
- Research has shown that stopping this automatic reaction by bringing attention back to reality can cause the brain to develop new, healthier habits.
- Do a quick body scan, but don't judge any sensation by labeling it "good" or "bad". Try to stick to the facts. For example, if you are angry, you will most likely feel your heart beating furiously and perhaps even feel a slight feeling of nausea. Just notice what your senses are experiencing. For example: "Right now I feel nauseated, I have shortness of breath and a hot face and most likely I am red." By identifying these physical symptoms, you will have the ability to separate them from your emotional reaction.
Step 2. Breathe with your diaphragm
When you are anxious or stressed, your breathing becomes fast and shallow. Performing deep, diaphragmatic breathing will help counteract the stress response by signaling to the brain the need to release the calm neurotransmitters and restore the body's oxygen levels. Taking a few deep breaths will help you feel calmer almost immediately.
- Place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen, under the rib cage. As you inhale, you should feel the hand placed on the abdomen rise. If not, it means that you are only breathing with your chest.
- Inhale slowly through the nose. Try to extend your inhalation for a count of 5. Focus on expanding your lungs and abdomen as they fill with air.
- Hold your breath for a few seconds. Ideally, you should be able to hold him for as long as it takes to count to 5. In case of difficulty, you can initially just hold him for 1 or 2 seconds.
- Breathe out slowly from your mouth as you count to 5. Instead of expelling all the air in one puff, try to let it out slowly while maintaining an even flow.
- Breathe normally twice, then repeat the exercise.
Step 3. Try progressive muscle relaxation
Progressive muscle relaxation can help you consciously release body tensions that have built up from anxiety and stress. The progressive muscle relaxation technique involves contracting and then stretching each muscle group, from head to toe, to communicate to the body the need to relax it. While it does take some practice, once you master this method it will allow you to calm down quickly.
- If possible, find a quiet, distraction-free place. In the absence of valid alternatives, progressive muscle relaxation can also be performed at the desk.
- Loosen any constricting clothing. Take a few deep breaths.
- Start with the muscles of the forehead. Raise your eyebrows as much as possible and hold the position for 5 seconds, then release any tension in the area. Now frown as much as possible and hold the position for 5 seconds, finally release any tension.
- After relaxing the first muscle group, focus on that area for 15 seconds to notice the perceived differences. In order to consciously release tension when you feel the need, you must learn to distinguish a "relaxed" muscle from a "contracted" one.
- Switch to the lips. Contract them hard for 5 seconds, then release any tension. Then smile by stretching them as far as possible towards your ears and hold the position for 5 seconds before releasing any tension. Pause to enjoy the feeling of relaxation for 15 seconds.
- Continue by contracting and relaxing each muscle group following the indicated pattern: contract and hold the position for 5 seconds, then release each tension and relax for 15 seconds. Eliminate all tension from: neck, shoulders, arms, chest, abdomen, buttocks, thighs, calves and feet.
- Numerous videos of guided progressive muscle relaxation exercises are available on the web.
Step 4. Distract yourself from the situation that afflicts you
Sometimes you will need to shift your attention elsewhere to be able to calm down. Ruminating, meaning remaining incessantly focused on a set of thoughts of the same theme exactly as a broken record, can worsen or even cause feelings of anxiety and depression. Distracting yourself is not an effective long-term solution, but it is very helpful in temporarily reducing stress and shifting attention to something positive.
- Chat with a friend. Studies have shown that socializing with the people we love can help us reduce stress. Spend some time with a friend or partner.
- Distract yourself with something funny. The hilarious humor of comedy videos and movies, also numerous on YouTube, can help you calm down and distance yourself from the cause of your worries. Be cautious, though, and remember that to avoid feeling even more upset, it's best to avoid sarcastic or mean-spirited humor.
- Plays. When it comes to giving your brain a break, games can be great allies.
- Spend some time playing with your pet. Studies have shown that interacting with cats or dogs can reduce stress hormones and create a feeling of calm and happiness.
- There are numerous other ways to be able to distract yourself. Read a good book, go for a long walk or take some nice pictures with your camera.
- Don't try to distract your mind with the help of alcohol, drugs, or food. Getting drunk or binging in an attempt to feel better only triggers further problems without being able to address the current ones at their root.
Step 5. Exercise
When you feel upset, doing some moderate physical activity will help you feel better quickly. When you move your brain releases endorphins into the body, exciting chemicals that can boost your mood. Several studies have shown that exercise reduces feelings of anger and increases feelings of calm and well-being. The next time you feel upset, get out of the house and go for a short run or go wild at your favorite dance - you'll soon feel better.
- Set a goal of about 30 minutes of moderate physical activity every day. You won't need to go to the gym: walking, running or even gardening will still allow you to enjoy the excellent effects caused by movement.
- Exercise also has preventive effects. A study suggests that aerobic exercise done before a negative experience can help us cope with it more calmly.
- Choose a physical activity such as yoga or tai chi which includes meditation, deep breathing and physical movement, also with excellent calming effects on the body.
Step 6. Trust in aromatherapy
Aromatherapy can help you find calm. Try adding a few drops of essential oil to a warm bath or shower.
- To combat stress, rely on essential oils of sandalwood, lavender and German chamomile.
- Do not ingest essential oils, many could be toxic.
- Indulge in a massage (body or foot) or a foot bath based on these essential oils.
- Always use a carrier oil, such as jojoba, avocado or sunflower oil, as the high concentration of essential oils could cause skin irritation.
Step 7. Listen to some music
Music greatly affects our thoughts and can put us into a state of relaxation. If you find it difficult to calm down, try listening to soothing music. Avoid songs that are too fast-paced and piercing sounds, even if they belong to your favorite musical genre, otherwise you may end up feeling even more stressed! When you need to find tranquility, choose relaxing music.
Respecting the indications given by science, the British Academy of Sound Therapy has created a playlist of the most relaxing songs in the world. Among the artists included: Marconi Union, Enya and Coldplay
Step 8. Change the subject of the conversation
It may happen that someone wants to support a thesis on which you do not agree. Discussing constructively is certainly good, but if you notice that the conversation tends to turn into a monologue aimed at changing your mind, introduce a lighter discussion topic.
- Avoid topics that can lead to heated debates, such as politics and religion, especially with people you don't know well.
- Stopping a thorny conversation might seem inappropriate, but the resulting relief will pay off for the decision. Try to be as polite as possible, saying for example: "I think the best solution is to accept that we don't agree on this issue. How about talking about the latest episode of Game of Thrones instead?".
- If the other person is persistent in not giving up, apologize and move away from the place of conversation. Formulate your sentences in the first person to avoid taking on an accusatory tone: "Right now I feel a little overwhelmed by the ongoing discussion, I need to take a break."
Method 2 of 3: Finding Calm Through Your Lifestyle
Step 1. Get enough sleep
When the quality or quantity of your sleep is not what you want, you tend to be more prone to stress (especially if you are an anxious person). While you sleep, your muscles and brain relax and repair themselves, allowing you to face the new day with less anxiety. Even minimal sleep disturbances can seriously affect your mood and your memory and judgment skills. Give your body the amount of sleep it needs to stay calm throughout the day.
- The recommended hours of sleep for an adult are between 7 and 9; in the case of adolescents the number rises further.
- Far more than those who get enough sleep, people with a lack of sleep complain of symptoms such as stress, irritability, anger and feelings of overwhelm.
- Try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Regular schedules promote regular sleep.
- To ensure a good night's sleep, avoid naps after 5pm, dine with a light meal, do not take stimulants in the evening, and turn off all devices with bright screens during your sleep time.
Step 2. Limit the use of caffeine, alcohol and nicotine
Caffeine is a stimulant that can make you feel more energetic and alert, but at the same time increases the body's response to stress. If you can't do without your daily coffee, try not to exceed the dose of 200 mg of caffeine per day. After 5 p.m. completely avoid drinks that contain caffeine to avoid disturbing your sleep cycles.
- Stimulants can also negatively interfere with sleep cycles.
- Alcohol is an inhibitor that can reduce stress and tension in the body. Not being able to solve the problem at its root, using alcohol to relieve stress is a bad idea, however, because as soon as it is expelled from the system, anxiety will return. Furthermore, while facilitating the process of falling asleep, alcohol largely disturbs REM sleep and causes awakening accompanied by an unwelcome feeling of tiredness.
- If you wish to drink alcoholic beverages, do so in moderation. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism advises men not to drink more than 4 drinks per day and 14 per week. He suggests women not drink more than 3 drinks per day and 7 per week.
- The doses of a "standard drink" may be less than you think. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism itself defines the quantities of a drink: 360 ml of lager, 240-270 ml of malt liquor, 150 ml of wine or 45 ml of spirits (80%).
- Nicotine is also a powerful stimulant that increases the body's response to stress. Smoking is very harmful to health and the damage becomes more and more severe over time. However, since quitting smoking can be a significant cause of stress, it is not recommended to try to quit smoking during a period of high anxiety.
Step 3. Do what you can to avoid negativity
Frequent exposure to negativity can prompt the brain to habitually think negatively. Obviously, this is not the right mental attitude to establish and maintain an effective state of calm!
- Sometimes people need to give vent to their emotions. This is perfectly healthy behavior. But make sure the complaints don't go on too long. Just 30 minutes of listening to someone complaining can cause your stress hormones to increase.
- If the situation - personal or work - does not allow you to avoid negativity, try to mentally create a "safe haven" in which to take refuge. When the pressure gets too intense, retreat to your place of tranquility.
Step 4. Avoid stress whenever possible
Avoiding all stressful life situations is obviously not possible. Every human being has to deal with unpleasant events and stressful experiences. However, by making some lifestyle changes, you should be able to keep common stressors under control in order to be able to handle unpredictable situations more energetically.
- Tackle problems with cunning. For example, if you are frustrated by standing in the supermarket checkout line for a long time after you leave work, try going grocery shopping after dinner. If you can't stand rush hour traffic, try to get out of the house early.
- Look for the positive side of each situation. Being able to reframe your experiences in order to get something good out of them will help you increase your stress management skills. For example, if you had car trouble and had to run to get the bus to the office on time, consider getting some exercise. While this isn't the most desirable side, it's better than focusing on the hassles associated with it.
Step 5. Enjoy the company of the people you love
Studies have shown that having a stable social support network made up of partners, friends and family can foster a sense of belonging and security. Your self-esteem and self-confidence can also benefit.
- Research has shown that having a "friend of the heart" with whom to share your emotions can promote a noticeable decrease in cortisol (also called a stress hormone) in the body. A trusted friend can also help cushion the negativity associated with unpleasant events.
- Have fun in the company of other people. Some studies suggest that having fun in the company of loved ones helps us reduce angry emotions and increase positive feelings.
- If you have a chance to laugh with friends, even better. Laughter causes the release of endorphins, chemicals that promote good mood. Laughing can also increase the body's natural ability to handle physical pain.
- Choose to spend your time in the company of positive people. Human beings can be real "receptors" of emotions, both positive and negative. Dating people who are heavily affected by feelings of stress and negativity will have a very bad effect on your mood. Likewise, spending your time with people who are positive and willing to collaborate constructively will enhance your feelings of well-being.
Step 6. Meditate
Meditating means staying still, emptying your mind and immersing yourself in yourself. Some studies have shown that meditative practice can promote a state of relaxation and strong feelings of well-being, also strengthening the immune system. Meditation also helps to positively rework common responses to stress. There are many types of meditation, nevertheless a good number of the researches conducted concern "mindful meditation". Set yourself the goal of meditating 30 minutes a day - after just two weeks you will already be able to notice significant positive changes.
- First, find a quiet, distraction-free place. Turn off your TV, computer, etc. Try to meditate for a minimum of 15 minutes - although 30 minutes would be an ideal goal.
- Close your eyes and take a few deep, restorative breaths. Throughout the entire meditation practice continue to breathe deeply while maintaining a steady rhythm.
- Imagine that you are an outside witness to your thoughts. Watch them come to mind and accept them without judgment, avoiding labeling them as "good", "bad", "right" or "wrong". It may take some practice to do this, it's normal.
- Ask yourself a few questions to consciously guide your meditation. Start by asking yourself "What are my senses communicating to me?" Notice what sounds you are hearing, focus on smells and sensations. For example, is the air in the room hot or cold? Do you hear the birds singing or maybe you can hear the noise emitted by the dishwasher?
- Ask yourself "What is my body doing?". Notice without judgment any tensions (or relaxed parts) you feel in your body.
- Ask yourself "What are my thoughts doing?" Notice if they are critical, forgiving, anxious, etc. It often happens that we get carried away in a cycle of thoughts that judge us for our inability to meditate "correctly". Allow yourself to notice your thoughts without judging yourself for formulating them.
- Ask yourself "What are my emotions doing?" How do you feel right now? Stressed, calm, sad, happy?
Step 7. Practice mindfulness
Awareness has been the focus of many recent scientific studies. Extensive research has shown that being able to stay aware can have multiple benefits, including helping us feel calmer, helping us keep emotions in check, changing the way we react to situations, and increasing our ability to bear pain. Being aware means being aware - but not judging - of your thoughts and feelings as they emerge. Being aware may take a lot of practice, but the use of awareness raising techniques can help you quickly regain calm and promote a general state of body and mind well-being.
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Try the "raisin meditation". The core of being aware is the ability to be aware of the experience lived in the present moment without judgment. Believe it or not, 5 minutes of practice a day and a handful of raisins will allow you to enter a state of awareness.
- Engage the senses. Hold a raisin grain in your hand. Turn it over between your fingers. Notice the sensations it causes in your hand. Notice its consistency. Observe it carefully. Examine the colors, the wrinkles and the differences. Smell it to recognize its fragrance.
- Put the raisins in your mouth. Notice the sensations it causes, but don't chew it. Is salivation increased? Can you perceive any flavor? Now start chewing. Notice how the aromas develop. Notice the texture of the raisins as you eat them. As you swallow, notice the movements made by the muscles of the mouth and throat.
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Take a mindful walk. The stress of everyday life leads us to become blind and impassive in the face of the many wonders that surround us. Walking outdoors being aware of the environment and the current experience will help you develop your awareness skills.
Walk alone. As you walk around, try to notice as many details as possible. Use all your senses. Imagine that you are an alien who has come to explore a new world never seen before. Notice the colors, smells, sounds, etc. that come from the surrounding environment. Whenever you notice a detail, consciously acknowledge it by saying to yourself "I am aware that I am looking at a beautiful red flower". Notice the feelings aroused by this experience
Method 3 of 3: Change Your Perspective
Step 1. Define your strengths
Not knowing what our strengths are, it is difficult to feel calm and in control. Take some time to examine yourself and find out what are the unique characteristics that set you apart from everyone else. Remind yourself of the many skills you possess. Writing down your thoughts in a journal will give you the opportunity to discover wonderful things about yourself. Start by answering a few simple questions:
- What are the things that allow you to feel like a strong person?
- What kind of emotions do you feel when you feel strong and confident?
- What are the qualities that describe your strengths? They could for example be "compassion", "love of family" or "ambition". Reflect on each of them for a moment. What quality do you appreciate the most?
- Try to write down positive affirmations about yourself every day. For example, recall your successes of yesterday or highlight a characteristic that you like and respect.
Step 2. Use self affirmations
Once you have identified some of your positive characteristics, repeat them to yourself! It might seem like a weird exercise at first, but consider the following fact: you most likely tend to constantly praise the people you love. So why not do the same with yourself? If you want to improve your self-confidence and achieve a state of calm, put the following tips into practice:
- Look in the mirror and say your self-affirmations aloud. Look yourself straight in the eye and repeat positive statements to yourself, such as "I can convey love and affection to the people I love" or "I am proud of how my smile can light up my face when I feel happy."
- If you feel negative thoughts about yourself surfacing, reframe them into positive self-affirmations. For example, imagine that you had the following thought: "I am very stressed, I will never be able to relieve the tension!".
- Re-formulate negative thinking by transforming it into constructive self-affirmation: "Right now I'm very stressed, but every day I learn new things that will allow me to become a stronger person."
Step 3. Be kind to yourself
Being calm has its roots in being able to love yourself (which is completely different from being self-centered). Being our worst critic and addressing ourselves in a consistently negative tone is all too common. The reasons for such behavior may arise from setting unrealistic expectations or forgetting to show ourselves the same compassion that we reserve for others. When we do nothing but judge ourselves, discredit ourselves and demonstrate low self-confidence, we prevent ourselves from reaching the state of calm we aim for. Take the time to silence your inner critic and remind yourself that you are deserving of love, dignity and compassion, from yourself and others.
- Talk to yourself kindly. Recognize negative internal dialogue and learn to challenge it with positive mantras and counter-thoughts.
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For example, if you find yourself worried and constantly telling yourself that you can't handle a given situation, ask yourself the following questions:
- "Is this a kind thought towards me?". If not, turn it into a more lovable one: "Right now I'm worried, but I can do it."
- "Does this thought make me feel capable and confident?". If not, focus on your strengths and skills: "I'm afraid I don't have all the necessary knowledge, but I'm smart and I learn fast."
- "Would I address this same thought to a worried friend?" If not, ask yourself why you should ask yourself.
- Remember that everyone makes mistakes. Be careful not to impose a standard of perfection that you would never expect from a loved one - you too, like others, are an ordinary human being. Recognize your mistakes, then focus on how to correct them and behave differently in the future. By doing this, you will be able to focus your attention on a positive future rather than punishing yourself for past mistakes.
- Recognize your worth. Each morning, remind yourself of the virtues, qualities, and strengths you bring to the world. If you have trouble thinking of something positive, ask a friend for help.
Step 4. Practice forgiveness, towards others and towards yourself
Being unable to forgive forces you to be discontented and to experience an inner war. Being resentful and perpetually angry creates an inner turmoil that forces you to relive the painful events of the past. Do you really like dragging that heavy ballast? A constantly complaining attitude has a significant negative impact on spiritual and physical health, for example on heart rhythm and blood circulation.
- When you decide to forgive another person or yourself, you remove the toxic feelings that are hindering your life. Forgiveness does not mean condoning a bad deed, but taking away the power to control your life.
- When you feel anger build up at someone who has hurt you, breathe slowly for a few seconds and then pause to reflect. How will that feeling of anger help you get better? Does the hate you feel make you happy? Do the people who love you really want you to continue to suffer like this? The answer to all of these questions will be "no," so let go of those negative feelings and look for new positives.
Step 5. Be patient
Patience is the source of calm. On the contrary, impatience is the source of agitation and restlessness. Impatience makes you say "I want it NOW" and, when something goes unfulfilled, it makes you lose your temper and boil your blood. Impatience is frequently linked to unreasonable expectations of the world, yourself and other people, and is often attributable to an unhealthy desire for perfectionism that leaves no room for errors and delays. A calm person, on the other hand, is fully aware that mistakes can happen and knows that haste often leads us to make more mistakes instead of doing better.
- If you find yourself in a hurry to do something, stop and evaluate the situation. Not getting what you want immediately would cause the world to end? If, as expected, the answer is no, acknowledge that the stress caused by the situation could further worsen your anxiety condition and sometimes even compromise your judgment.
- If, despite everything, being patient is difficult for you, perhaps the only thing you need is a little practice. Start exercising your patience with little things, like waiting in line at the supermarket. Distract yourself by reading the titles of the magazines available next to the cashier. Once you reach a good level, challenge yourself with tasks of greater weight, such as being able to not get angry while you are behind the wheel or when your children do not follow the advice received.
Step 6. Before you start worrying, analyze the current situation
Most of the time you will find that worrying is not necessary at all. Almost always the news, the gossip, the negativity, the dangerousness and the insane ups and downs of human beings turn out to have no real foundation. Deciding to pay too much attention to it means turning yourself into a hamster on a wheel, which runs incessantly even if it doesn't have a real goal. Such a situation would inevitably lead you to a state of restlessness and discomfort. The essay knows what to read, who to listen to and when to ignore the rumors (almost always). The sage is calm because as a sage he has access to knowledge and knows how to use it to improve his life.
Step 7. Slow down the pace
Many people decide to keep their foot constantly on the accelerator and tend to leave the playing field when the match is still in progress (both in a metaphorical and practical sense). Examine what happens every time a plane lands: all the people on board rush out and then simply end up in a queue at a different point in the airport. Recognize situations where speeding up is really important, and understand when to slow down. You will find that in most cases the right thing to do is to slow down.
By decelerating you will be able to face situations more scrupulously, managing to complete them in the most appropriate way already at the first attempt; as a result you will protect yourself from future unnecessary stress conditions
Step 8. Stop procrastinating
The choice to procrastinate is almost always a source of stress. Learning to do things in advance, or at least in time, will allow you to be much calmer. Of course, this involves staying focused on getting things done and putting off distractions over time.
Many people waste time every day checking their inbox. Establish and stick to specific times to check email, no more than 2-3 times a day
Advice
- Keep an open mind. Closed, calculating minds are the root of ignorance. If all minds are certain nothing can change - remember that everyone once believed that the world was flat.
- When you feel angry or upset, count to 10 and take a few deep breaths. Make yourself a relaxing herbal tea or drink a glass of cool water and move to a calm place where you can sit still and let your imagination carry you away.
- Dedicate yourself to the things you love.
- If you are experiencing a stressful situation and feel the need to calm down, physically move away from the problem or breathe deeply for about ten seconds. To avoid regretting it later, simply wait for the negative thoughts to naturally recede.
