Each of us sometimes feels anxious or insecure. A very common misconception is that you can cure social anxiety by building a wall and pretending to be someone we really aren't. Nothing further from the truth. To calmly deal with all social situations, you need to relax and feel comfortable. Here are some very simple tips to calm down and be yourself.
Steps
Method 1 of 3: Relax in Social Situations
Step 1. When you feel anxious or nervous, focus on your breathing for a few seconds
Breathing deeply is the best single relaxation technique. Breathe deeply through your nose, hold your breath for a few seconds, then slowly exhale through your mouth. Repeat the process three times and you will feel that the stress will gradually fade away. Use this method whenever you feel anxious or stressed.
- You can use this technique even in the middle of a conversation.
- Practice on your own. It may seem like a simple technique, but deep breathing is a skill that is learned with exercise. Practice breathing with the diaphragm, which is located just below the rib cage and above the stomach. The best way to relax and calm down is through diaphragmatic breathing.
- Check your breathing. When you start to feel anxious or frustrated, you find that your breathing becomes heavy and fast, while your heart is beating faster. This breaks the balance between oxygen and carbon dioxide, aggravating anxiety problems and causing dizziness and muscle tension. When you are calm, your breathing is slow and aware.
- Focus on your breathing while meditating. Sit in a quiet place and concentrate on the rhythm of your breathing until all thoughts are cleared from your mind.
Step 2. Focus on the conversation you are engaged in
Too often we get stuck in negative social situations or focus on appearances, but this distracts us from the social situation we are experiencing and makes us less likely to start new conversations.
- Remember that social anxiety is not noticeable externally. Others don't notice that you are agitated. If you are friendly and confident, people will think you really are.
- When talking to others, listen carefully and think carefully about what you need to say. Nod often. From time to time answer or underline what your interlocutor says by saying "sure" or "yes". This instantly makes you a better conversationalist.
- When you are in a social situation, you need to be aware of your thoughts. If you find yourself having negative thoughts, such as "I was bored during that conversation" or "nobody wanted to talk to me", replace them with positive thoughts. Remember how well you interacted before or how interesting your current conversation is. After all, your negative thoughts are likely to be based on misconceptions.
Step 3. Look for social situations in which you feel comfortable and gradually gain confidence in contexts where you do not feel comfortable
By doing so, you strengthen your security. If you feel comfortable playing sports with friends, studying in a group, or lounging on the beach, actively seek out such situations. If you don't feel comfortable at parties, start by attending small parties with friends and interact only with people you know, then gradually move on to larger parties where you feel less relaxed.
- Make a list of different social situations. Classify environments and people, starting with those that make you most comfortable to those that make you anxious. Now know your strengths - start practicing activities at the top of the leaderboard.
- Gradually move to the activities at the bottom of the leaderboard. To feel safer, bring friends with you who know about your discomfort. They will help you deal with the situation.
- If you feel that in some situations you will never feel safe, then avoid them altogether.
Step 4. Identify your "coping strategies" and work to eliminate the negative ones
These are strategies that we use in social situations. Some can have negative consequences, such as drinking to gain confidence, avoiding eye contact, and often making excuses to leave a conversation. While these behaviors can sometimes be helpful, they are often harmful because they simply work around the problem but don't fix it.
- Write down all the behaviors you use to calm yourself down. Go through the list and see if you overuse some of them. For example, if you strengthen yourself by drinking before facing a social situation in which you are not comfortable, this behavior is excessive and you must avoid it.
- Gradually eliminate behaviors that you think are harmful. To do this you have to face your fears. If you avoid eye contact, make an effort to look people in the eye. Start by doing it with friends, then try gradually doing it with strangers too.
- Identify situations in which you use coping techniques. Such situations are the ones that make you the most insecure. Deal with them last. Start with the least intense fears and gradually move on to the strongest.
Step 5. Stop pleasing others by trying to be what you really are not
People need to like you for who you are. Nobody loves those who pose. If you make a huge effort to please or adapt to others, people will notice and you will never be happy. Focus on your happiness first and you will see that you pass it on to other people making them happy too!
- If you realize you've used a phrase just because others are using it, delete it from your vocabulary.
- Follow your intuition and avoid overthinking. Mental ruminations bog down the brain. Rather, act spontaneously. Decisions made on the spot embody your true essence better than the artificial person that society would want you to be.
- During a conversation, don't repeat the same thing over and over unless it is something you did particularly well.
- Remember that silences aren't your fault alone and aren't necessarily bad. All conversations have moments of pause. Each interlocutor is responsible for keeping the conversation alive.
Step 6. Pretend to be confident until you truly are
This is a real and validated method. Even if you don't feel happy and confident, smile and act confidently. By doing so, you convince yourself that you are happy and safe, so soon you will truly become one.
- Smile in front of the mirror. Try to do this every day, every time you go to the bathroom. Studies have shown that smiling even when you are not happy helps you calm down and be happy.
- At the same time, it simulates a "tough" pose. Inflate your chest, stretch your arms, or put your hands on your hips and lift your chin. This pose serves to self-convince you that you are a confident person. Practice regularly and you will actually begin to gain more confidence.
- Maintain good posture all day. Keep your shoulders back and your spine straight. Don't hang around and keep your head up. This way you will seem like a more confident person.
- Act as if you are a sociable and outgoing person even if you don't feel like one. By doing this you build a social habit, others will see you as a happy and friendly person. Their perception will soon turn into reality.
Step 7. Meet new people and show them your best side
When you meet a new person, you have the opportunity to show your true nature. If he doesn't like you, it won't be the end of the world. You don't have to be nice either. The most important thing is to try. The more the people around you seem familiar and friendly to you, the more confident you will feel.
- At parties and social occasions, engage in socializing and meeting new people. Get a friend to introduce you.
- Join associations or groups. This is the best way to make new acquaintances. If you like boating, join a sailing club. If you love reading, join a reading group.
- Exchange phone numbers with mutual friends and organize aperitifs or lunches to spend together.
- Keep in touch with new friends by texting them from time to time.
Method 2 of 3: Learn to Be Yourself
Step 1. Write your thoughts in a personal journal
Begin a process of inner analysis by collecting your thoughts in a diary and telling what happens to you in life. This introspection is therapeutic and allows you to get to know yourself better.
- Write whatever you want. There's nothing wrong. Write down everything that goes through your head.
- Share your most personal thoughts and ideas. Don't be embarrassed by what you wrote. Only you will read it.
- Write down everything about you. Explore your thoughts and actions in depth. Instead of going through life without thinking about what you are doing, be aware of your actions and why you do them. If you don't like something about what you do or think, you will realize it. You will also learn to appreciate your positives!
- List what you like and what you don't like about yourself. For each aspect of yourself that you put on the list, write down how to keep it if it is positive and how to improve it if it is negative.
Step 2. Become aware of your thoughts
One of the biggest risks you have to take to be yourself is getting caught in bad thoughts. These thoughts are unmotivated and self-destructive. If you become aware of your negative thoughts, then you will be able to overcome them. Make a commitment to replace them with positive thoughts!
- When you have a negative thought, write it down in your journal. After fixing it on the paper, try to modify it.
- Analyze your negative thoughts. Why do you have them? Are they real? Can you replace them with alternative thoughts? Are they constructive or destructive? Are you obsessed with these thoughts? Answer these and other questions about your negative thoughts. You will soon begin to realize how absurd and counterproductive they are.
- Replace your negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Instead of ruminating that you are always left out in conversation, think about the excellent conversation you had the day before, or console yourself because you had so many interesting or funny things to say but chose not to say them. Instead of thinking that no one thinks you are very smart, think about the time you knocked them all out with a good pun. Get into the habit of focusing on the positives.
- Laugh at yourself. Rice is the best medicine. The moment you recognize your negative thoughts, you realize how unmotivated they are. After a while, they will look ridiculous to you. If you can laugh at your negative thoughts, you have conquered them.
Step 3. Build positive interpersonal relationships and get to know yourself better through others
Nurture your current relationships and seek out others. Organize meetings with friends or strangers. Finally, reflect on your interpersonal relationships, your abilities, and your flaws. Think about the characteristics of people you like to hang out with and look for other people who are similar to them. Take note of your ways of communicating and interacting with others and try to improve them.
- If you prefer to hang out with people who enjoy hands-on activities, like skiing or bowling, then you are probably an active person too. Continue to organize events of this type.
- If you have trouble maintaining relationships or starting a conversation, practice with friends or sign up for a communication and social skills course, which you can find at an adult education center, as it can be of enormous benefit to you.
- Leverage your strengths. If you find that people often laugh when you make jokes, focus your communication style on jokes and comedy.
- Ask your friends about yourself. Get a frank judgment on your personality. Ask them what you can improve and what your strengths are. One of the best ways to know yourself is through the lens of others.
Step 4. Stay in touch with the child in you
Over time, we socially transform into someone we really aren't. It happens to each of us. Yet, when we are young, social norms have not yet taken root in us. Try to remember how carefree you were as a boy and show the purest part of you in social interactions.
- Within reasonable limits, act impulsively. Actions dictated by instinct represent our true being rather than the socially acceptable version you have built for yourself.
- Don't worry about being judged. Just do what you want and don't mind the envious.
- Catch the moment. Don't get swamped in the past and don't think about the future. Love every single moment of your life and fully live the present.
- When you were young, you didn't care what others thought. You listened to the music you wanted, read what you wanted, said what you wanted and did what you wanted. Try to get that mindset back.
- Read old childhood books and do the things you did as a kid. Build a sand castle and do somersaults!
Method 3 of 3: Learn to be comfortable with yourself
Step 1. Try yoga and meditation
Your breathing and thinking largely determine your behavior. Wake up early and do 15 minutes of yoga every morning. When you are stressed, take a deep breath and meditate, it will help you tremendously to calm down. You will feel more confident and your body will relax.
- Learn yoga by watching an online video or by signing up for a local class.
- Learn to meditate by practicing relaxing breathing techniques in a quiet place.
- You can practice yoga and meditation virtually anywhere, even in the middle of a conversation. Do yoga poses to stretch your muscles while sitting on a plane or meditate for a few seconds when you feel nervous at a party.
Step 2. Get lots of exercise
Physical activity has been scientifically proven to reduce stress, fight anxiety and improve self-esteem. Exercise also allows the release of endorphins which produce a sensation of pleasure. Just 15 minutes of exercise a day can help you relax and be happy.
- It is not necessary to exercise in a gym. You can go for a run or you can play basketball with friends. In fact, exercising with friends is more fun and more useful than doing it alone.
- Establish a training program and try to stick to it. Decide when and how often to exercise. The goal is to exercise significantly four times a week, continuing to do small exercises every day.
- Walking or cycling to work rather than driving is a good way to exercise during your normal daily activities.
- Physical activity also has significant health benefits, such as increasing energy levels and strengthening the heart - both benefits help you relax and feel more confident.
Step 3. Get plenty of sleep
Doctors recommend seven to nine hours of sleep per night. When your sleep is poor, you are more at risk for anxiety and depression. On the other hand, when you are rested, you will likely also be calmer and more composed in social situations.
- But be careful not to sleep too much. Sleeping for ten or more hours can only aggravate your problems.
- Avoid caffeine and chocolate. In addition to keeping you awake late, they act as stimulants that exacerbate the symptoms of anxiety.
Step 4. Stop smoking and drink in moderation
Nicotine is a stimulant that increases anxiety levels and lowers self-esteem. Alcohol also helps, but in an unhealthy way. Initially it seems like a good solution, it actually increases the chances of anxiety attacks.
- Make a plan to quit smoking. Tell friends and family about your intentions and go to therapy meetings. Use nicotine patches and every time you manage to avoid cigarettes, treat yourself to a rewarding treat.
- Likewise, stop drinking or significantly reduce your alcohol consumption. Always be aware of the amount of alcohol you are taking. If you have problems, contact alcoholics anonymous.
Step 5. If these measures don't work, see a specialist or take medication
About 13% of the population suffers from some form of social anxiety, so you're not alone. Self-help doesn't work for everyone, so you'll need outside support at some point.
- First of all, tell your family and friends about your health, as they are eager to help you and can offer you equal or greater support than a therapist.
- Do not resort to self-medication. See a doctor first, who will be able to refer you to a specialist who will prescribe antidepressants and beta-blockers that can combat the symptoms of social anxiety. However, these drugs are not able to fight the underlying causes: when you stop taking them, the problem will most likely reappear strongly.
- Always try self-help methods initially, but there is nothing to be ashamed of seeking professional help. Indeed, it is sometimes difficult and it takes courage to take this step.
Advice
- Psychological problems can be solved with the help of bodily techniques. Exercise and meditation have great mental health benefits. A relaxed body almost always results in a relaxed mind.
- Read self-help books or even just plain fiction. Reading is therapeutic and allows you to get to know yourself better.
- Smiling can take you far in life: it not only makes you happier, but also more pleasant in the presence of others.
- Face your fears. Avoiding them only makes your problems worse.
Warnings
- If you have suicidal thoughts, don't waste time - confide in someone. Seek professional help and tell your family members.
- Do not abuse alcohol and antidepressants. You can easily develop addiction to drugs, but they will never help you solve your problems, they can only make it worse.
