It can be hard to accept that someone you still want to talk to no longer likes, whether it's your ex boyfriend, a former friend, or someone you got along with until something has happened between you. You may have to talk to him for work reasons, because you have mutual friends, because you are the kind of person who always wants to be on good terms with everyone, or maybe you just want to keep friends. Or you want to talk to him because, after downloading him, you realize that your feelings for him have changed. Finding the courage and the means to keep talking to a guy who doesn't like you anymore can be difficult, but if it's worth it, here are some tips to give it a try.
Steps
Step 1. Try to see the situation from his point of view
What happened in your relationship that led him to drift away from you? Did you do something that bothered him? If so, you need to change your attitude when you are with him, such as talking a lot, asking too many questions, teasing him about his flaws, etc. Maybe you hurt him by leaving him for reasons that have nothing to do with his personality? Or did you tell him you don't reciprocate his feelings even though you led him to believe otherwise? Once you understand the reason for the departure, it will become easier to see things from the right perspective. Perhaps he is ashamed, worried or hurt and is waiting for your apology or thinks it is inappropriate to keep talking to you. So it's easier for him to ignore or avoid you when you're around. Analyzing his actions will help you better understand his motives and find a way to overcome his silence.
Step 2. Evaluate why you want to keep talking to this guy
If you want to talk about the past, making him feel bad or asking him to rethink the past relationship, then this is not a good reason and will push him further away from you. Conversely, if you just want to maintain a friendly relationship to keep talking constructively with respect for both of you, then it's worth it.
- If you want to talk to him for work, hobbies, interests, volunteering, or whatever, this is a good reason. So if he asks why you want to talk to him, tell him the reason you want to talk to him.
- If you want to talk to him because you have mutual friends and prefer to avoid embarrassing situations, this is another good reason to try to restore cordial communication with him.
- If it's your ex-husband or an old lover and you regret pushing him away, this is a good reason to try to re-establish a relationship but it doesn't always work; it depends on what happened between you.
Step 3. Be careful with excuses
If you did something that caused the relationship to end, then you will obviously have to apologize. But if you don't know exactly why she hasn't spoken to you again, apologizing could make things worse by making you look like someone who wants to take the blame for something that doesn't exist. You would look desperate and clingy. If you don't know why she stopped talking to you or you're sure she didn't do anything wrong, avoid apologizing unnecessarily.
Apologize when necessary. If you made a mistake, admit it, apologize and move on. Don't please yourself or you'll both be embarrassed
Step 4. Avoid asking too many questions, threatening or disturbing him
If you want to start talking to him again, these approaches will immediately reduce your chances of re-establishing a relationship. It is even more difficult if you were involved in a loving relationship that you would like to have back. Instead of thinking about your ultimate goal, relax and try to talk normally with him.
- Greet him with a simple "hello" and do it every time you see him, smiling at him. Also use your hand to do this at the right times.
- Ask him for help. It could be a good way to get close to him if you really find something he can help you with, like homework, work, fixing something that's broken, carrying something heavy, or even just asking him for an opinion on something.
Step 5. Don't rush
It will take some time to gain her trust again, especially if she avoids you out of fear, shame, or confusion. If he is baffled by something you have done, it will take even longer and you may not be able to re-establish relationships. Whatever the reason he doesn't talk to you anymore, try to surprise him by continuing with your calm and friendly approach. Make it clear that you just want to talk to him normally. This means you don't have to have a double purpose - no aspirations, no "get back together like before" and no revenge strategy.
- Don't rush things. There are more things not to do than to do. It's really weird when you feel the urge to get back into a relationship that's long since dead.
- Do what you used to do, but in a more detached way. Were you patting him on the back? Laugh and wave at it, or something similar, without touching it. Think of it this way: you ate spicy and now you have stopped, so to get used to the strong flavors again you have to proceed step by step. The same goes for your relationship. Whatever you do, don't overdo it like before, for example by patting him on the butt!
- If you want to re-establish physical contact, do it gently without touching the parts that are too intimate. Touch him on the hand or arm, but neck massages or hand-to-hand are signs that show more than just friendship, and you will scare him away.
- Warning: if you have broken up for a long time and it was you who left him, but now you have changed your mind and want to return his unfulfilled love, you may find yourself competing with another woman. In this case, going slowly would make you lose forever the love you really want now.
Step 6. Tell him you want to see him for a quick chat
Promise him it's not about "getting back together" or sentimental stuff. Take him for a drink and explain why you don't want to eliminate him from your life. Provide practical examples to help him understand why you should keep talking to each other. Something like this might work:
- "Carlo, I know that what happened between us is over and that's okay. But I wish I could continue talking to you. For example, when I had to deliver that work on Wednesday that was missing your piece, I felt very strange to send you an e-mail as a colleague instead of coming to you and picking it up in person. I think it's important that we keep talking at work, at least about professional things, but on friendly terms."
- "Giovanni, I don't want to go over what happened, I put a stone on it. But I want to be able to continue talking to you. Maria, Bianca, Giacomo and Marco are wondering if we could all go back out together. I feel embarrassed not to be able to talk to you and our friends are also upset by this situation. That's all, I think you are a wonderful person and by now we have both moved on with our lives. But I would like to continue talking to you."
Step 7. Try to use less aggressive communication methods
If talking in person is currently embarrassing for him (and maybe you too), use technology. Contact them by email, messages and letters. Either way, don't be obsessive and don't overdo it with too many annoying messages or allusions; take it lightly and show an ironic tone.
Step 8. Give up if, after trying, you didn't get the desired result
You must learn to understand when it is best to let it go. If he doesn't want to have any relationship with you, let him be and save your energy by talking to other friends. There are tons of people in this world to have great relationships with, so go ahead and don't bother them anymore. It is not good to be a burden to someone; ironically, the situation would also become a burden on "yourself".
Advice
- Small things can bring you closer together, such as a smile, a kind gesture, or a funny joke about something you've both witnessed.
- Men tend to have less strong emotional responses than women (but this is not an absolute rule!). For example, it may be easier to make him angry than to calm him down with a simple gesture or a magic phrase. It takes time.
- The old saying "time heals everything" is true. Over time, the tension between you two will ease.
- You must have patience without giving in to despair. If the situation doesn't resolve itself in one day, wait. Let some time pass. If you have tried to contact him several times in 2-3 weeks, you must refrain from doing so again because there is a limit to everything.
- Remember that everyone gets into an awkward situation. To play it down, you can always laugh and change the subject. Don't overdo it or you'll make him nervous.
- You have to keep your goal in mind: if you have to maintain a good relationship with him for family or work reasons, there are limits that neither of you can ever cross. Make these limits clear if you think he ignores them. If you want to have an intimate relationship, the conditions are different than a simple family or business relationship. The point is: don't confuse it with an ambiguous attitude.
- Think about whether to talk to him in front of other friends. In that situation, it will be harder for him to be rude. Of course, there is always the risk of him ignoring you, embarrassing you in front of everyone, but this attitude will put him in a bad light and your friends will support you.
Warnings
- Don't despair. If she refuses to speak to you, stay calm. Instead of begging for someone, be mature.
- Accept the reality. If someone doesn't like you, just drop them and move on. It is the only way to maintain self-respect. Begging, asking for explanations, or a final confrontation seem like appropriate choices, but they will only add to the pain and despair, which will prevent you from launching confidently into future relationships.
- Be careful. People change completely. If he's not the same person he used to be, friendly and caring, but just wants to argue, walk away.
- Strong emotions can lead to violence. These include jealousy, anger, fear, anxiety and contempt.
When to Seek Help
Do not endanger your safety. You should never tolerate the following situations:
- Dating in unknown places. If he wants to meet you somewhere you've never been, asking you to drive alone with him or meet you somewhere where no one can see you, take extreme precautions. Let someone know where you are, take someone with you without your ex knowing, change places or refuse to go alone.
- Threats of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, intellectual or other intimidation, such as the use of a weapon). In any case, it is a type of aggression: it is not yet violence or immediate contact, but it leads one to think that the situation may degenerate in the short term. Watch for signs of aggression. In case of a violent attitude, you have to go away or ask for help. If it is an aggravated assault (in which the signs are emotional and intimidating in nature) move away quickly and seek help later.
- Attempts to block your exit. Does it stop you from leaving? Be very careful when you are alone, making sure you always know how to leave at any time. He may try to block your exit in even subtle ways, such as by standing in front of the door, blocking your attempts to finish the conversation by standing in front of you, or even worse, physically blocking you. If you think this is happening, DON'T TELL HIM YOU WANT TO LEAVE, it will only make things worse. Try to calmly distract him and then try to leave, but only if you are sure you can. If you think he is following you, call 112 or seek help.
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Violence. Any voluntary or involuntary use of force also on other people. This includes, but does not exclude:
- Involuntary (non-sexual) contact. For example, he might grab your arm or touch you in a place where you don't want him to touch you. If you tell him to stop but he refuses, he may have committed violence.
- Physical violence, such as hitting, kicking or other physical abuse even if not done to you.
- Other examples: throwing objects to hurt, getting medicines / drugs against your will (forced injections, medicated drinks, forcing yourself to swallow or inhale drugs) or using weapons regardless of whether it hits you or not.
- Sexual harassment. If you are not interested in a sexual relationship, tell him clearly to stop and leave you alone. Don't keep saying it, leave immediately. If he chases you, run away and ask for help.
